(((LilSis)))

What you are going through is parallel to the stages of grief. The acceptance that Mimi speaks of is a stage you can get to, but you can't force it.

I have a close friend who became a widow at 29. She used to go to the cemetary and have conversations with her husband. Even though she knew for a fact he was never coming back, it didn't stop her from going through all the "what ifs" - imagining conversations with him - feeling sorry for herself - wishing things were different. And now, 17 years and another marriage later, she still misses him sometimes (her kids are all his). Her oldest daughter is getting married later this year, so it brings a lot of the grieving closer again.

My H & I lost a son 14 years ago. I can tell you what I told him - on a scale of 1 to 10, our son's death was a 10, my dad's death when I was 22 was an 8, and the A was a 9 1/2. The pain is real and will take a long, long time to work through. It has changed you forever. It takes time to let go of the past and accept the "new" you. It took me about 5 years to finally not only accept but be happy with the person I am now over the one I left behind. But maybe I'm just a slow learner...

(((LilSis))) - another hug. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself some time to grieve. I learned to give myself permission to be sad remembering the past for a few minutes, then move on and be fully present in my life again.

I thought about it driving in this morning...

It's not REALLY..ACCEPTANCE..it's "ACTING AS IF"...

It's a strategy that I learned in my own psychotherapy to deal with DEPRESSION. In fact, it is a COGNITIVE PSYCHOTHERAPY technique. Burns talks about it in the book "FEELING GOOD: THE NEW MOOD THERAPY"...

It's SELF-TALK...working on CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS...MIND CONTROL..replacing thoughts that DEPRESS you with thoughts that LIFT YOUR MOOD...

I never got to the point of REALLY, REALLY ACCEPTING my H's affair but I knew that I had to come up with some way of EXISTING in order to carry on with my life..and FOCUSING on HIM was not going to WORK...

The whole GRIEF process is so KEY here...

I was watching the TV piece about JOAN DIDION who wrote THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING..a memoir about her life after her H's death...it hit home to me AND my H who was also watching that that was what I was going through and you too, Sis..except he wasn't ACTUALLY dead...

Part of grief is a NORMAL DEPRESSION and that is what I was BATTLING by CONSCIOUSLY CHANGING MY THOUGHT PROCESS...

I was CHOOSING NOT TO GIVE IN TO THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS...cause I knew where they would lead..I had suffered a MAJOR DEPRESSION in past years...

Sis, you are BLESSED. Your children are growing while all of this is going on. They are LEARNING valuable lessons from YOU. What wonderful sons you have to be so attentive when Mom's feeling down! Being a mom is so often a thankless job. Your boys are good boys. They've obviously been trained in the way they should go. Good job!

Remember, THIS is the day that the Lord has made. Say to yourself, I WILL rejoice and be glad IN IT... and then as Mimi says... choose not to give in those poison darts (negative thoughts) that the enemy tries to shoot you with.

((((Sis))))

((lilsis))

A verse for you:

"[She] who fears the Lord has a strong fortress, and for [her] children it will be a refuge." Prov.14:26

What you are doing for your sons is priceless.

Thank you so much everyone for the uplifting messages. I am so grateful to know that my feelings are not unusual...sometimes I feel like I should be so upbeat and confident about this when in fact I feel as if I am drowning in sadness and grief.

SHOL: My sister lost her son when he was 2. Right after d-day I asked WH if he understood that the only thing that could have hurt me more was if one of the boys died. It is still my deepest fear and probably always will be.

It is the downtime that does it; I really need to keep busy, but then I’m in the shower, or drying my hair, or washing dishes, or pulling weeds and where to my thoughts go? This morning I actually shook my head—mimi’s trick—and I’m not sure it worked but it made me smile to think that I was willing to try anything. I will continue to try that.

I’ve thought about a rubber band on the wrist…anything to get myself to be conscious of the path that my thoughts are going. Even if I can’t necessarily stop them, at least I can be responsible to myself for them; consciously aware of them and that I am choosing to have them. Maybe that’s the first step. Does that make sense?

At the same time, I am aware of not stuffing my feelings down…so I suppose it is a balance.

Dropping the kids off at school today and reminding them that dad is picking them up and I won’t see them until almost bedtime felt a little like sending lambs to the slaughter. And I had to do it with a smile. Thank goodness I have a really full day (meeting until 8:30) so I can’t dwell on that.

They announced my “promotion” (it’s actually a lateral expansion of my job) today, so when I walked in everyone was all congratulatory, and a bunch of accolades came in by email. That felt good. I also attended a great workshop this morning, and have a busy week ahead work-wise; then prepping to leave for the trip. If keeping busy is an antidote to the sadness then I will get a little taste of that.

Something interesting but rather OT; my intermediary has a really good friend who is a PhD psychologist. We’ve done things together a few times. When my intermediary (BF) got the email from WH yesterday, it had that weird signature line with the quote from Richard Nixon: "Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself."

BF has been particularly bothered by that sig line, so when she saw it this time she forwarded it to our PhD friend for a little analysis. PhD’s response was “Yeah, the content and the source of the quote make you wonder about the guy's values. I mean, who chooses "Tricky [censored]" as a role model?! A sociopath, I suppose..... The quote is saying, "Well as long as you do your "best" (read, as long as you dupe yourself into thinking you were doing your best...), even if it results in everyone hating your guts, don't worry! As long as you don't stoop to their level and hate them back (for hating you because you are a lying bast*rd), you will be fine, and you win!”

WH has indeed sunk very low, and is still sinking.

your feelings just are

feel them

having feelings often does not require you to do anything but endure the situation

feeling always change over time (including the waywards)

Pep

and

congratulations on the promotion!

BRAVA

LilSis,

Just had to come back to say - that is so funny you mentioned the rubber band on the wrist! I thought of trying the exact same thing!

But then you have to remember to use the rubber band! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My challenge is trying to remember to breathe. I often find myself holding my breath and have to consciously start taking regular breaths again.

Deep breaths. When triggered your breathing gets shallow, you don't get as much oxygen in, and it all gets worse. The best thing you can do is slow down and concentrate on your breathing--it will help you relax. Not that I remember to do it when I need to.

I am off to yoga right now, though.

so sorry you are feeling down.
I have been dealing w/ a lot of anxiety myself lately sucks.

just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you.

(((((LilSis)))))

Just a quick note: We are not advocating here that you never feel sad or that you avoid your sorrow. In fact, you have every reason TO grieve! You have had two big losses: #1--you have lost your husband (to an A) and #2--you have lost the illusion that you had a happy marriage and family. Now, if your WH had died, people would know what to do right now. They would send you sympathy cards and cook you casseroles, and they'd come over to visit and "check on you" to make sure you're doing okay-ish. They would expect you to occasionally be out-of-it and understand the fact that some days you function okay and other days, not so good.

Somehow, folks just don't understand when it's an A. Somehow they think their response should be different, when in fact, it feels very much the same. If your WH had in fact died, you would miss him and mourn but you would at least have the dignity of being a widow--instead the (excuse the expression here) [MEAN NAME} lives and has denied you the comfort and dignity of getting support from people as you grieve!!!

So, here's the thing. It is natural to feel grief as life settles down and you don't have immediate crises to deal with. It is normal to feel sad and mourn the loss of what you thought you had. Getting through this is also part of the process of growth and of Plan B.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

SHOL and SD: For me, it's my shoulders. I end up all tense in my upper back, to the point where I cannot relax. I have sat in bed with a heating pad between my shoulder blades trying to get it to un-knot.

CJ: This was so helpful:

I didn't really expect this. I guess I expected to feel more “free” (which I certainly did at first), but I end up feeling more lost, more alone. Maybe it’s just the timeline of Plan B…initial elation, followed by a period of grief and despair, to (hopefully) be followed by a more peaceful state of “acceptance.” Although I think I’m with mimi that “acceptance” isn’t really correct…who could ever accept a spouse’s betrayal?

It’s more like learning to live with cancer when you know that you’ll have to go in for bone scans every three months for the rest of your life. It’s finding a new way of LIVING under new, unpleasant and sometimes intolerable circumstances that have been thrust upon you through no fault of your own.

But giving up the old circumstances and taking up the new, unwanted ones…all the while feeling as if the person who thrust these circumstances upon me is skipping away like a giddy 17-year old….

And CJ’s remark was RIGHT ON: if WH had died, the whole experience would have been different. The way I feel about him as a person and as a father, the way I feel about myself, the way I relate to his family, the way I relate to friends, the expectations that others have for me to just kick him to the curb…

One more meeting (number four) and I’m done for the day. I attended my first meeting as part of my new position…it’s a first for all of us involved in this project. Gives me a little burst of energy that I could really use. New projects, new challenges always get me enthused, because I know I will be successful.

Not to sound boastful...it's just that I have always been able to do pretty much whatever I set my mind to doing. I'm not afraid of hard work. I enjoy the payoff. Maybe that’s part of why all of this is so difficult. I’m not used to being unsuccessful, not doing well, not fixing what’s broken. (I’m even winning the bracket at work...I had all final four correct…go Buckeyes!)

Oh LS:

You just lost me.....




I know you were a Spartan Fan, and that's ok, but this "go ********" (I can't even say it!) That's unforgivable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But I would take the cash as well.....! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Oh Sis --- I love you to death

but -- go Buckeyes ?????

and you are from Michigan !!!!

Yeah, I'm struggling a bit that myself. I'm NOT a Wolverines fan AT ALL, but OSU??

In terms of trauma, the professionals think that infidelity is worse than if your spouse died. It would be easier if he had. Infidelity is right there with a child dying.


This was huge for me, because it feels like failure, and I am also used to being able to solve the problem. My brother has been pretty quiet in terms of advice--I think most men don't know what to say--but he sent me this email a while back (I carry it around in my wallet):

"So here's the thing. You have done everything that you could do. You will never have to be ashamed of this. You should never think yourself defeated. You have in fact won, because you have done your best, all that anyone could do. You can know with certainty that you are not to blame here. You are able to say to yourself and to anyone, "this is not my fault." This is no small accomplishment. It will be valuable in 2007 -- which is going to be a much better year -- and hugely important in the years to follow."

So I hear what you are saying. Well, except for the Buckeyes thing.

i live there (not by choice) and I'm not even rootin'for them.

Are the jayhawks still in?...i've lost track.

LS,
I carry my tension in my upper back and shoulders too.
It gets awful.

treat yourself to a good massage.

I bet all you who are dogging me out for Ohio State are LOSING your office pools....

I AM a Spartan fan! And Michigan, too, except for when they are playing State. I guess it sort of follows, though, that I'll keep rooting for the Big 10 (IS there another conference?!?) when there's a national title on the line.

But MOST important, I win $85 bucks if Ohio state goes the distance. Heh heh heh.

I'm winnnning, and I liiiiiike it.

I am wiped out. A 12-hour day, it's 9:10 and WH hasn't brought the boys home. DS11 had left a message at 8:30 saying they would be late because they were at their cousin's (SIL from church) for his birthday. I left SIL a VM this morning asking her to please not repeat anything that I had told her on Sunday to WH, assuming he brought the kids over there tonight. I totally vented to her on Sunday, and I hope she has the good sense to just keep her mouth shut. She is disgusted by his behavior, but what does she do...it's her son's b-day and he wants the cousins there, and it's WH's night.

SD, do you think your brother would mind if I carried around his advice, too? Thanks...

Sis,
You are right! Your WH has a disease, RT is the CANCER!
You are the "lucky" chemo patient. You are the only one who can see an end to this process, but you spend the most time suffering! You will benefit most of all!
I lit a candle in church today for you and your boys.
Lord hear our prayer! Have mercy on us! And peace be with you!

((((Sis)))

PGA

LS:

I hope you win your office pool, for no other reason that it is a WIN for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And I only hope that Florida loses in the process, Mrs LG is a 'Nole. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

And I hope the boys had a good evening.....

And you too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LG