My wife had a ONS with a guy she just met earlier in the night in 05 and they then talked via phone so it developed into a EA.

DDay started 12/05 with the EA and end of 06 with the PA. Married with children for over 10 years.

My wife wrote a letter expressing some of her thoughts. Below is a line that enraged me. I feel like she just does not get it.

"OM was a friend. I made a mistake w/a friend that weekend but afterwards we were friends. I had no idea our friendship would have caused this many problems"

Sorry for your situation Hope_Full but the first thought that popped into my head was "I don't get naked and have sex with my friends."

It wasn't the "friendship" that caused this many problems-it was the fact that she had SEX with another man! He isn't a friend-he was her affair partner. Friends don't want to jeopardize their friends' marriages by committing adultery with them.

Sorry, I don't have more advice. I can understand your feelings and I think that maybe you two haven't really moved towards recovery yet (because if she is justifying and you are angry, I think you both have some stuff to do)or maybe you are stalled. If you haven't already,
start by reading the things on this page. Start with Dr. Harley' basic concepts and keep going.

If your W is willing to come to this site, have her read too. Or print them up and share with her if you think she will. Could be a good starting place for some discussions and moving ahead in recovering your M.

Hope_Full, as a WW with a d-day in Jan 07, it sure looks like she is still in denial of what she did, and the hurt she caused. She is still approaching this from how she rationalized this to herself during the A, instead of what she should know now as the truth. She had an A. She betrayed you.

My H dealt with statements like those from me, and was just as infuriated. Something I dont blame my H for now, even though it totally frustrated me at the time.

Get your wife the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. It'll be a revelation to her, if she's even marginally open minded.

Beyond that, her excuse he was "just a friend" is ridiculous on its face. He wasn’t a friend when she dropped her loyalty to the marriage for a night of sex. He wasn’t a friend when she let her whole system of moral values and her integrity (not to mention her self-discipline) fall away in order for her to commit adultery.

I don’t know much about your situation, pardner. What are you doing to survive this?

Does she still think he was her "friend"? Was he a secret from you? Was he a secret friend? Did you know about her contact with him? Did she tell you each time she had contact with him? Did you know about him at all? I imagine you did not know about him nor about her "friendship" with him. Marriage partners do not have secret friends. They do not share aspects of their lives without the knowledge of their marriage partner.

Does she understand this? Even if she had said "no" to him that night, but just continued the emotional and secret relationship with him, it was an affair. Married people do not develop intimate friendships with persons of the other sex and keep it secret from their spouse. It was an affair. I hope she can understand this. If he was just a "friend", why did you not know about him? This is her fog talk. He was her affair partner.
Lake