My WH and I have been married for 19 years, many stresses from family matters over past few years. Sex life was not happening, knew something was wrong but started taking Prozac to hide the pain. All it did was turn my senses off and right under my nose my husband started to have an affair.

I kicked him out the house at end of November because I just couldn’t handle the drinking, the unaccountability of his time. I stopped taking the Prozac in September and started to clear my head after my WH left. I started to really look at the marriage and how I had neglected his EN for so long and all I could think of was getting back together to try to work things out. Well he was mad as he**ll by now, he wanted to sell everything and just get a divorce, nothing he sad made any sense. Than all of sudden he said he lost his job, I was trying to get back with him and he just kept pushing away. I couldn’t find him for a few days and got worried so I searched the cellphone bills and starting calling numbers. Well I found him at the OW house on 1/4/07, he was shocked, I said who is this your girlfriend. He was denying all over the place. Well we spent the weekend together and he didn’t deny or explain. We came back on Sunday night and he said he was going to his place, I couldn’t get in touch him via phone later and I had the OW address so went by her house at 1AM and who was there. HIM, I called her number and she said he wasn’t there, I said I’m sitting in the driveway and I know he’s there. He came out and all I could think was WOW he has been living a double life. I’m in shock.

The next month was hard but he apologized and was really truly sorry, never wanted to hurt me like this, Still loved me but wasn’t “In love with Me Anymore”. I was so emotional everyday, I talked to him, begged, pleaded, all the bad things and he was very understanding and considerate but he was having his cake and eating it too. I’ve now started to focus on myself, I’ve lost 20 lbs, I’m doing things for myself I haven’t done in years and I’m feeling good. My head just spins with thoughts of him seeing the OW.

He is seeing a counselor so he can “figure himself out” and I’m seeing a counselor for me. We saw a marriage counselor once on 2/1 and he told us that we had a lot of anger between the two of us, he suggested that we stay away from each other and maybe go out on occasion. Well my WH was at the house that night to stay over and has been at the house everyday except 4 days in whole month of February, that is when I think he’s seeing the OW. He says he’s trying and he’s not seeing her but I don’t believe him, apparently this A has been going on for long time. He sleeps on the couch and shows some affection for me but NO Sex at all. Its like he’s a different person and kindof out in space somewhere. His lies are so believable I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been doing Plan A and showing him what the relationship and should and could be if he came back. No arguing, no bad things at all, it feels so good. So much better than before I kicked him out, its more normal now that I got my life back in order. I’m not so available and I’m focusing on ME more everyday. I just don’t know what the next steps should be.
I wanted to do Plan A for another 4 weeks but its gets so hard when I think he is with Her. What do I say Nothing, he just goes off and says he’s staying at our other house, no calls no nothing and than I know he’s with her. HELP. I try to justify that he only see’s her maybe one day a week if that and he’s with me the rest of the time. He must be getting just SEX from her, but I don’t know what to think anymore. Why can’t he just stop seeing her.

He told me he wanted to talk this week and he also mentioned it again last night. So I’m waiting for that. He also invited me on a 4 day trip in a few weeks and I’m looking forward to that. I’m just trying to keep my cool but I hate to feel like a fool. Its just so hard, and we've been together for almost 20 years and we were so much in love a few years back.

Is he an alcoholic?

Pep

No he isn't, he would just drink once in a while but would drink and drive. It made me so mad. I think in the back of my mind I knew something else was going on and I was getting mad at everything he did.

I didn't notice that it was Pepperband that responded, I wanted to tell you how inspired I get when I read your posts. Especially the Plan A explanation in Notables. You give me so much hope.
I just don't know how get my husband to see that this OW is not the answer. How long did your husband continue to see the OW before he came out of the fog?

Thanks for your help and advice.

Who did you expose the affair to? (part of Plan A)

you said:



you know I am going to give YOU a hard time about this, don'cha?

let's see how much you know about Plan A ... what is glaringly incorrect about your quote???

Pep

LOL

let's see how "inspired" you feel when I start pushing you!

thanks for the compliment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Sueanderss........oh Sueanderss! Where are you? I have a strong suggestion for you.

Take Pep's challenge.

She's tough but she cares. She challenged me and others chimed in to H E L P me. Did it kill me? No, not quite, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> but it did kill alot of my wrong thinking that was killing my marriage.

If you're out there lurking, come on back. We'll all help.

Check out my 'badge of honor' below....Yep, I'm almost the D-day Queen because I did not have a Pep or Mel or LG or Artor or JKG and other MBers to challenge me when I wondered the same things as you are wondering after discovering my H's A.

It's been less than 2 months since I registered and began posting on MB and it's change my life and saved our marriage. You can have the same.....just give it an honest effort.

Hope you're OK...... please check in!

Ace

Oops, I was out today.

Who did you expose the affair to? (part of Plan A)

Well, the children know, his mother knows, some close friends know, that's about all.

I'm very new to this, so give me some help here. Not sure how to answer the other questions, but do need help.

Husband and I going to have talk tomorrow.

I'm up for the challenge, Pepperband are you there?

be careful

emotional talks with a WH can foul your thinking ~~~> you can erroneously believe that what a WH says means more than air vibrations

unless he comes up with a plan to protect himself (and you) from his adultery ... it's not something you should hang your hat on

my concern for you is that you might think this presents an opportunity to ~~~> "Get WH to see OW is not the answer."

Unless the affair is already just about run it's course .... this is unlikely.

Chances are you are going to hear

I am so confused.
I don't know what I want.
I need to get away to think.
Maybe you and I were not meant to be together.
I need more time.
I can't deal with this pressure.

What you will NOT hear is ... a grown man taking FULL responsibility for leaving his morals and ethics behind.
He will not be saying:

"I am never going to see OW ever again. I am going to make it possible for you to check my every move for awhile to make sure that you can trust me. I am going to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, to make this right."

soooooooooooo ~~~~~> GO MEET HIM

and (here is my advice)

look pretty
smell nice
keep eye contact with him
and say VERY VERY little
L I S T E N to his words .... and his body language

think of this as a reconnaisance mission

gather information ~~~> see if you can get HIM to spill his guts

then return & tell us what you heard with your ears ... and also what you observed with your eyes .... see if there is a disconnect in what he says and his body language

most men feel women do not really listen to them ~~~> here is your chance to Plan A .... demonstrate to your WH that you can sit and listen to him ..... it is too tempting to "let him know how I feel" ... for most BW ... see if you can do this meeting with your EARS and not with your MOUTH ~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

if you can .... when the meeting "talk" ends .... tell him you would like to do this again .....

how do you think most affairs begin? ... someone listens to someone else.....

good luck

Pep

One more thing Sue,

Don't tell your H that you are on this site or talking to us or anyone for that matter. WS seem to think we are a cult. You would also be giving away your place for help.


good luck

Wow, thanks I was going to do everything wrong, but now I have a better vision thanks to you.

What if he doesn't initiate the talk, we are going to go for a harley ride. Do I just go for the ride and play it by EAR?

He's sleeping on the couch and living here some of the time?

You will be sitting behind him on the bike?

SQUEEZE tight with your legs ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Be sure you stop somewhere for lunch, or coffee, something.

If he does not say anything ... rest your elbows on the table, put your chin on the back of your hands and look deeply into his face and say:

"I'm having fun doing this."

then, shut up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

wait at least 60 seconds
if he says NOTHING at all

try again

"Spending this time alone with you feels so good."

he'll open up the closed door if you just grease the hinge a little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

YOUR mission (this time) is NOT to "convince" him of anything ~except~ that he be convinced his BW is cute and she pays attention to him !!!!!

Pep

I'm so glad you're seeking help, Sue. I can offer encouragement as I DID do everything wrong because I did not seek help initially. But you have the best help and I'll be praying for you.

Ace

Thanks so much, this advice feels so good, I've felt so lost and confused now I feel like I have hope.

Stay tuned I will let you know what happens, even if its nothing, we are spending the day together so I'll just be cute and have a good ear to listen. MOUTH SHUT, oh I would have blown this, my mouth can just keep digging. Oh and I'm so bad about emails, like sending him thoughts of the day, kind of like his being his consious. I think I better stop those too.

howz the weather in Sonoma City today?

It's beautiful should be in the 70's today.

Have a great one! And again, THANKS!!!

Today was such a normal family day, went to the pet store got goodies for the new dog, WH, Me and our daughter and the dog.

Then we got back and went on 3 hour ride with two other couples, had a beautiful day. Went to lunch everything just like old times, felt good but he always seems like his daydreaming or his mind is out in space at times..

On the way home we split off from the others, went and picked up movies and than went to have a ice cream, sat talked alittle about how nice the ride was.

After a few hours home and him on ebay for hours I decided to just go out for an hour. Called my own cellphone and pretended like I had a call from someone. WH says who was that I said oh no one. A few minutes later I went out and said I had an errand. Was gone for a hour, Wh says where did you go, I said for a walk. He smiled and said oh that's good.

After watching TV for a few minutes I sat down by WH and I said I really enjoyed our day today, wh says I had a really nice day too. It was especially good because we didn't have any discussions.

I said "I've said all my discussions"....(I don't think that was good to say) anyway he just looked.

I just feel like he thinks he's holding all the cards and I just waiting for him to decide. It is so hard how do you deal with the fact that you know they are going to go see OW anyday now, another lie, another meeting with OW. He left his cellphone home and I checked his sent calls and there her number was he called on Wednesday and than didn't come home on Thursday night because of his work he said. The thoughts just drive me nuts, I feel like telling him to leave and not come back until he decides to commit. I'm just so confused and can't turn my brain off, OW, OW, OW, that's all I can think about.

Well this morning was not good, WH told me he was going away for a few days, all I could think was OW, OW. Than we started with the suitcase, he is missing this suitcase and I asked where it could be and he said I was crazy that he wasn't missing any suitcase. I said the suitcase you have is mine not yours. Well I said if you didn't have so many different places to leave your things maybe you would find it.

Than I went to work and sent the old email, I told him that I knew he was still seeing the OW and that we could only work things out if he would be HONEST and TRUTHFUL. I told him that I thought when he suggested that we have that "Talk" the other day that he was speaking from "Guilt" not from "Truthfully wanting to Talk"

Oh boy what do I do know???? Did I blowit or What?

Is this a direct pass to Plan B?????

no it is not

you've got to learn more self control before you are ready for Plan B

Plan B requires planning and activities to get ready .... what have you got planned so far?

pep