Last time I was in plan b he saw them twice. He told me that it is hard to see them because he feels guilty. So told him to stop doing what he's doing then he won't feel guilt.

Thanks for the 2X4...but you miss understanded I don't want a R I just want sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I can understand the need for SF...really I do...have a good laugh and read my thread from last night...

Still you get a 2X4...do you really think that you'll be happy with SF when you are not in a R? Just a question, something to think about it...it's something that I have to think about too...reason for me asking...

I understand the thinking, I'm in the same place...wondering how in the heck am I going to make it over the next year and for me I think that it normal coming out of a M where I've been with him for 13 years...

It was part of my routine...now, I have to learn to me on my own...in my mind, TBH, hugs and kisses on the cheek is NOT as fullfilling as SF...however, it's the connection, the intimacy that I really want...I don't think that just sex would do it for me...

I really want the love and SF together...not easy to find...

Well, enough about my thinking on the subject...this is just what's been playing around in my head for the last month...

SF are great! I don't disagree with that. I miss the intimacy. I haven't had intimacy, true intimacy in years. Sex has been just sex between me and WH for quite a long time. If it's just the big O that you need, then you can get that by yourself. If it's intimacy, you need someone that you feel intimate about.

From your posts, it sounds like you were happily surprised by the attention that you WH was giving you, so that lead me to believe that you still want the M. I just misread, I guess.

You guys are right its the intimacy that I really miss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

On Saturday we were standing in line to order lunch and WH rested his head on my shoulder and I just thought man I miss that.

Rin-No I don't think I could have SF without being in love or at the least major like. The only person I have had SF with in 18 years in my H and i was in love with him the first time we did it.

I'm just getting frustrated..for the first part of us being separated I was on hormones and I had know sex drive but know the hormones are out of my system and I am feeling the need.

I just needed to vent my frustration and get hit by 2X4's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />LOL

Hey...LOL...I understand where you are coming from, really I do...Mrs. SA here...LMAO

I also know what it's like to no have a sex drive...I once asked my dr. what was wrong with me...go figure it was just my M...

You're doing great...bumps in the road...k?

Thanks Rin-I would rather go over the bump, than be the bump. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />LOL I'm feeling silly today...I like it

Today has been one of those day where I am either laughing or crying...and I finally know why its the 2 year anniversery of my beat friends death.

Today on Rin's thread she ask what is love....it was hard for me... the thought that kept coming to mind was when BF was killed my H would not leave my side..when he was at work he would call 20 times a day to see if I was doing ok..he listened to all my babbling..held me I couldn't stop crying...I never knew how close he was listening until the day of her service and he got up and told all the thing that I had been saying...she was the best kind of friend she would kick you in the butt if you needed it or a shoulder if you needed to cry...its funny how much I have missed her since d-day...I lost my two BF within a year of each other.

I'm setting here wishing my H would come and show me the comfort he did two years ago...

In 3 days it's d-day anniversery...april use to be my favorite month..parents wedding anniversery, my anniveresy and OS b-day...now it's the saddest month.

Today is one of those days that I want to climb back into bed put the covers over my head and not think about my life.

But I can't...I'm Mom and my sons need me.

Man I am feeling so much better tonight...I spent 4 hours at church...and driving home I thought WOW i'm feeling pretty good...

GOD IS GOOD!

Good for YOU...I hope that you have a VERY blessed day...

Keep it simple today...admire the birds in the air, the flowers...the wind blowing in the trees...these are the ismple little pleasures that we forget about!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today is d-day 1 year anniversery. And i'm feeling ok I have told myself that I'm not going to let it get to me I can't control my WH choices. I can only do what is best for me and the boys. I am praying that the way I feel this morning will last all day.

BUMP...How are you today? What's new in your life? How are the boys?

No hiding in the covers huh? LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


((((MF))))

Hi Rin- I'm doing ok today...I made it through yesterday without shedding one tear over my stich...today I woke crying that happens almost every Sunday...I think part of this on Sunday's we were always together that was family day that was day we made love every week...so Sunday is very hard on me.

The boys are doing pretty well...WH is coming over today to sign our tax return so the boys are happy. I'm feeling a little unsure about him coming over...he has been pretty nice since we went to the race...but I know that is going to end...next Saturday is our 17th anniversery so i'm wondering if he's around because of that...remember in Jan. he was around until the day after my b-day so we will see.

I've decided that if he says any thing about going out for our anniversery I will tell him no I will not celebrate our M with him until he has become part of the marriage again...this doesn't sound harsh does it?

How did your boys fare with WH this weekend?

Well, I think that you are on the right track with awareness and I firmly back up your idea on not celebrating your M...

I think that is a wonderful idea...good for you...

The boys had fun...no bath all weekend...STBX has HN1 and HN2 wrapped so tight...one's cooking and the other is watching the boys...how stupid can they get...he's using them! Oh, well...

When's the last time that you reread your sitch, to look for a pattern, anything to give you an idea of what direction that you need to go?

Just wondering.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rereading my sitch I would say i need to go to plan b...I'm just not ready for that right now.

Last night when WH came over he was distant...I got home from work he was already there...he was on the computer playing a game that I had shown him last week...I went back and asked him if he was going to have dinner with us he came out had dinner then left shortly after...told the boys that he will be over tuesday...when he left he gave me a kiss and thanked me for dinner...

I'm alittle confused...all of a sudden he is coming around again...he is answer his phone when I call or when the boys call...I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.

Tommorow WH is coming over...at least that is what he said...DS asked me tonight why is Dad coming over...it's really sad the boys have almost nothing to do with him... last night when he was over the boys went outside to play...we were always such a close family and WH has reduceded us to ?...I've been thinking that I wil;l get WH a card for our anniversery and write all the thing I what to say to him in it but not give it to him...What do you guys think?

I kinda like the card idea...that's cool...

Can you look closer into why you are not ready for Plan B? I mean look really close...

I'm not saying that you should or should...I just think it's a really good idea to know why you are not ready...

Why are you allowing yourself to settle for crumbs? LOL...I can't even tell you how many times I heard this...you remember...

You know why I wasn't ready for Plan B...becasue I was scared...that was me...what is it for you?

I feared being alone...I feared change...I feared his reaction...

Do me a favor and be honest with yourself...

See I'm a child of God, right? We can agree on that I'm sure...well, the way my WH was treating me was the way he was treating my Father...the respect that he had for me was the respect that he had for my Lord...

Do you think that our God would want you to be treated like this?

Please don't get me wrong...this is completely your decision, I just want you to think a little...

Stop giving yourself permission to accept whatever he throws your way...

MF, I have seen you stronger than this...I have seen you give ME strenght and hope...YOU have been there for me...I'm just returning the favor...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, what are you teaching your boy's by allowing him to treat you in this manner? Would you want your son to treat his GF or W this way?

Food for thought! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

"Can you look closer into why you are not ready for Plan B? I mean look really close"...

The biggest thing is fear...I'm not sure what I fear because I don't fear him...mostly I fear that he will like plan b and that will be the end of our M...and I fear the boys will never see him...my YS couldn't handle not seeing his Dad.

"Why are you allowing yourself to settle for crumbs? LOL...I can't even tell you how many times I heard this...you remember"...

I'm I really settling for crumbs I don't call (I did call him about the taxes but thats done now) him I don't ask him to come over...when he is over I am civil to him I don't go out of my way for him I treat him like I would any person that came to my home.

"Do you think that our God would want you to be treated like this?"

No, I know God doesn't...I have given this over to God...I believe part of the reason WH is having the conflict that he does is because God is at work.

"MF, I have seen you stronger than this...I have seen you give ME strenght and hope...YOU have been there for me...I'm just returning the favor"...

It's easy for me to look at other peoples stiches and go...well duh you need to do xyz...but when it comes to my own I am weak...I know what I need to do but this stupid heart of mine gets in the way.

BTW, what are you teaching your boy's by allowing him to treat you in this manner? Would you want your son to treat his GF or W this way?

I have had long talks with the boys about this...I've told them that this is not normal or right behavior...thankfully they have other marriages to look at and see the right way...when I was in plan b before OS thought I was being childish. I explained why I was doing it but he didn't get it. YS believes that Mom can fix this...and in order to do this Mom has to be around Dad.

That my dear sounds like a fear of abandonment...

Would you consider that living my his terms now is accepting crumbs? He is in a M and now living up to that committment...I'm just asking the questions...only out of care and concern... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Only you have the answers...

I understand that your head and your heart are not in sync and that's okay...I've been there...I was weak...

It's okay, you are where you need to be right now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin-I'm going to chew on this awhile...having a sad day...although your HO thread is making me laugh