God bless Mrs. Wondering.

I will let you know I have to go too sleep. Thanks for everyone who messaged me. Prayers please.

Thank you so much believer, you too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I think we should be trying to help MOT to avoid the wreckage he's walking into and the pain he's causing, not only to his wife but to his own life. I could only wish my husband had found this site and got some help and insight before he wrecked so many lives, and we have all been through too much pain to not take on the responsibility to share the wisdom we have gained with people who really need to hear it.

MOT, you asked for prayers...so you believe in God. I will certainly pray for you and will ask that you will gain wisdom to do what is right.

You fell in love and made a choice to marry an older woman when you were quite young...but not too young. 26 was old enough to know what you were doing. The thing is we all have to live with the conequences of the choices we make, whether good or bad, throughout our lives.

Yes, Honour means you keep your vows NO MATTER WHAT. Real love means you don't abandon the person you vowed to always protect, provide for and cherish til death did you part. The most selfish act a human being can do is have an affair on the one person they made so many promises to and then abandon them in the pursuit of their own selfish desires or because they changed their mind after 20 years about what they wanted in life.

If you are a man of honour and integrity then the end of your life is far more important than the beginning. By that I mean it will be far better at the end of you life to look back and know that you did the right, noble and honourable thing and that you made the choice to put another human beings needs ahead of your own. That is honour. That is what makes you a real man, that is what will enable you to sleep at night and ultimately that is what will bring you true happiness.

I do not believe it was by accident you stumbled upon this site. Tell us more about your situation so we can help.

MOT,

Who will care for your wife if she needs it, if you don't? How can you stand the thought of not caring for her, should she need it?

Don't you see that if you were not in an affair, you would never even consider leaving your wife because you can't stand the thought of caring for her in her last years.

Affairs make people think in the cruelist terms, and then try to rationalize it.

Don't you see what is going on in your affair-diseased mind?

You would never have seriously considered leaving her because of her age before...and now you are contemplating something so cruel, to your wife...and rationalizing it with her age.

Don't you see how your mind is playing tricks on you...changing your values into cruel self-centeredness, and trying to find ways to convince you of the validity of it?

I get the impression that most people on thi site feel like you keep your wedding vows no matter what, no exceptions. For me life decisions are not always so cut and dry. And sometimes it makes it hard to have a discussion if if you already know the answer and are not open to listen. because in the back of your mind is what can I say next to convience the person to think my way.
First of all mty wife and I had wedding vows as stated below that we called our intentions.
I will accept you as you are.
I will not try to change you.
I will not posses you.
I will not be jelous of you.
I will share with you.
I will nurture you.

Honour means you keep your vows NO MATTER WHAT Do the above intentions stil seem as cut and dry toyou.
Also would my wife want to still be with me if I cannot have my heart in the relationship?
Can you put your heart back in a relationship once it has wavered?
Or do you just stick it out no matter what?
My wife and I are going to talk over these issues next week with a counsler again.
I hope I can go into the sessions with a open heart to realy listen like I said above. I want to come to a understanding here that can be true to our hearts.

So do you think my desire to have children had no part in my choices? Or shouldnt that matter.

And that my friend is what's wrong with many marriages today. I'd bet there's not a SINGLE married couple in the world who have been "true to their hearts" every day, every month or every year of their marriage. There are times in a marriage... even when nothing outwardly is wrong, that your heart tells you "I'm not happy." But what marriage is really about, is that you PURPOSE in your heart that you are going to honor your COMMITTMENT or INTENTION even if your heart (at that moment) says something different.

Sorry. I just don't buy the kind of marriage that's based only on "if it feels good do it."

So is this a NEW desire? Why the heck didn't you guys talk all of this out BEFORE getting married? Have you thought about adopting? Being foster parents? Is this all about only YOUR desire?

I had friends who had a May-December marriage (she was December). He broke her heart with his sudden revelation of the same desire. But what she didn't know is that he was a serial cheater and told every OW he met that it was "the age difference thing." She just "didn't do it for him" anymore. He wanted children. Blah, blah, blah.

So if your wife was your age or younger and was involved in a horrific car accident, you'd walk away because you can't picture yourself as a caretaker?

What a guy. I think you should let OW read your posts here, so she'll know what's in store if anything happened to HER.

No...you already stated that you haven't been trying to impregnate OW. Your choices were a lot more baser than that.

I'll be blunt. Quit looking for 'reasons' why you did this. There's no point in looking for something that doesn't exist...all you'll really find are excuses that you'll try to dress up as reasons...like the wanting kids thing. Face it...you chose to commit adultery. It's DONE...you've done it.

So the REAL question here should be...what do I do from here?

The possible answers are simple.

1. Divorce your wife and leave her now.
2. Attempt to rebuild your marriage with the woman you've been married to for 20 years.

Either one is possible, with hard work on both sides.

But the first step is to quit dodging the REAL question by looking at other things. So at this point...you need to step up and make a choice.

Quick question...and I'm asking for information, and not looking for a long drawn out side discussion to let you avoid the REAL question...does your wife know about your affair?

mot,

“I get the impression that most people on this site feel like you keep your wedding vows no matter what, no exceptions.”

Pretty much. Not all, but 98 and 44 one-hundredths percent think so. This is a Marriage Building site, you know.


“For me life decisions are not always so cut and dry.”

This is most often said by people who do not know themselves. Who do not really know right from wrong in the crunch. What is right mot? It’s more often absolute than not. Not what is right for you. What is right for you and your wife? (Actually, what is right for OW is also a good question?)


“And sometimes it makes it hard to have a discussion if you already know the answer and are not open to listen.”

This sounds more like yourself than the rest of us. You already seem to know what you want to hear. You already have your mind more of less made up, IMO.


“because in the back of your mind is what can I say next to convince the person to think my way.”

What is your way, mot? That adultery is sometimes good? Acceptable? Excusable? Defendable? OK for you because your situation is unique? Believe me, some have seen it all on here. Your adultery is nothing special. As people become more and more steeped in the wrong of something they become more and more alike. Saints and large souls are very unique and individual. But selfish, entitled people all begin to look and feel alike. Some mystics have described ****** as unending sameness, everyone exactly alike in their self absorption, grayness and their perceived uniqueness.


“First of all my wife and I had wedding vows as stated below that we called our intentions.
I will accept you as you are.”

So, her advanced age still makes no difference to you, does it?


“I will not try to change you.”

So, her post-menopausal inability to bear children still makes no difference to you?


“I will not posses you.”

Mere words. You could never possess her in any case. No one could. Nor possess you. NO matter how you tried. You could only have abused her. Which BTW you are doing with your affair. Affairs are very serious and extreme type of spouse abuse.


“I will not be jealous of you.”

Good. A lack of jealousy is better for you than for her.


“I will share with you.”

Big deal. Legally you had to anyway. Are you sharing the truth with her? Seriously. Did you ask her if you could have this affair? Did she get a say in it?


“I will nurture you.”

See “possess” above. How is your version of nurturing working out for her? Are you going to leave her everything when you leave? Serious question. Are you planning on giving her everything?


“Honor means you keep your vows NO MATTER WHAT. Do the above intentions still seem as cut and dry to you.”

Yes and yes. What you agreed to do in the above was to choose to act love-is-a-verb towards her for the rest of your life. I don’t see where you said, “Until something better comes along.”


“Also would my wife want to still be with me if I cannot have my heart in the relationship?”

How come you don’t know the answer to this already? Ask her. Act loving towards her. Choose to love her. And then ask her. Read the material on the main MB site about meeting Emotional Needs and the resulting feelings of love. Works like a charm, mot.


“Can you put your heart back in a relationship once it has wavered?”

Short answer: Yes indeed. If I can put my heart back into a 22 year marriage scarred for over 15 years by continuous lies and adultery, anyone can. Even you.


“Or do you just stick it out no matter what?”

No, not matter what. If you are in danger, you separate yourself from the danger. You work the problem. OTOH, you made promises you said you would keep no matter what. The no matter what is upon you.


“My wife and I are going to talk over these issues next week with a counselor again.
I hope I can go into the sessions with an open heart to really listen like I said above.”

Good. I have hope for both of you. Pick your MC well though. Some are not pro marriage.


“I want to come to an understanding here that can be true to our hearts.”

Forget about your damn heart for a bit, mot. Our hearts lie like rugs all the time. They know nothing, feel like everything. There is nothing worse on the face of the earth than everyone following one’s heart. Feelings lead to short term enjoyment and long term misery. Use your head to inform your heart about what it should feel.


With prayers,

Princess,

"What a guy. I think you should let OW read your posts here, so she'll know what's in store if anything happened to HER."

hah, this is pretty good. If only OPs would learn the same the BS is getting is what is always in store for them too.

MOT, there are NO exceptions to keeping your wedding vows.

Your vows should never have been called 'Intentions'. Marriage isn't about intentions. Marriage is about promises. Promises which should never be broken.

But we are all human, I understand that. Mistakes are made and promises can turn out to be just 'intentions' until I start 'feeling' a different way.

I 100% believe you can put your heart back into this relationship. But not while you're continuing to have an affair. What you're doing is the most incredibly selfish act with an incredibly selfish woman. If you want to be in a position to be 'true to your heart' (which are just flowery words used to get what you want) first end your affair. That decision alone will save you alot of misery and heartache down the road. You are not with a woman who respects you, really loves you or wants the best for you. What she says and what she does are two different things.

You really need to give us alot more information about your marriage and this affair if we are to help you.