OK I NEED BIG ADVICE.

For the last week WH has been slowly bringing his things back to the house. He has also been staying the night more or less every night.

Last night he called off from the bar to spend time with the kids and I. He brought over what he said was dirty laundry. Well, I went to do the laundry and in the bag was more or less all of his clothes neatly folded. Didn't look dirty to me.

He is referring to the bedroom as OUR bedroom, and he sleeps in bed with me. We have had SF.

He has put in his change of address forms at the post office, and erased OW's number from his cell. He swears he is absolutely done with her. She is a nutjob.

I am now ready to put up my conditions for him coming home. I need help with this. These were my conditions:

1) QUIT THE BAR. OW works there one night a week. He said it was Sat nights. But now another problem has arisen. He drinks to the point of either being really drunk, or buzzed to the point of almost drunk. When confronted he said "Sorry I like to drink" or "W wants me to drink with him so I do it" EXCUSES.

2) Letter of NC?? We haven't even gone there because he (and other people have told me) He has made it clear to her he is more than done. Don't ever talk to me again.


3) Marriage Counseling

Any others I am missing? He is really fighting me about the bar. I am not afraid to walk away from him at this point. I hate that place and he has ZERO business being there.

HELP ME!!!

Holymoly,

He needs to quit the bar and quit drinking!! The bar is no place for a married man with children, period, end of discussion.

He needs to do the NC letter regardless. It tells her in writing that he is ashamed of he had allowed himself to become and what he participated in and that he is thankful that YOU are giving him a chance to regain his marriage and that he loves you deeply. It shows a commitment to the marriage and recovery. It's deeper than what she reads or hears when she reads it.

Marriage counseling and Individual counseling it it were me.

All I want to say is I agree, it is imperative he quit the bar job.

The bar-job is a deal breaker.

Give him your logical, well-though out reasons. Then give yourself a deadline. If not done by XXX then YOU will take action.

Not an ultimatum. Your boundry.

You are all very right about the bar. HE KNOWS how I feel about it. I HATE THAT PLACE.

So do I tell him about the date? Or is the bar thing something I keep strictly to myself? Like if he doesn't quit by July 1 then I am just gonna tell him what? He needs to leave...I want a divorce...Do I let him come back before he quits?

Do we work on teh marriage and then I enforce the quitting?

Any chance of you counselling with Steve or Jennifer from MB? I know its expensive.

If not, can you call into Dr. Harley's radio show?

I think you need some professional steerage to prevent a false recovery. And to get some help with your boundries.

I agree. I will have to do some saving to get the SH or JH session, but I really would love one.

After work last night he automatically went to our house. I passed him driving, and saw him on the phone and then called him. He told me who he was on the phone with. What they talked about and what he was going to do for the day. He said he was going to his friend W's house for a cookout since I wasn't going to be home. I said that sounds great and have fun!

Well when I got home, I noticed he took a shower and watched TV, and more than likely did not go to the cookout. Not a big deal...

He came back to the house after working at the bar. In the middle of the night he grabbed me and held me so tight and kissed me so passionatly and then we held each other until the alarm went off.

I sent him a text telling him how awesome I thought that was.

When I woke up I went downstairs to find on the countertop all this hair, makeup, girlie stuff he got for me. He knows I love that stuff. I sent him another text saying I thought were great before I walked downstairs and saw that stuff! Thanks!! He then sent me a text saying surprise!

I do not want a false recovery. That would just break my heart at this point because I have been SO gaurded. I am starting to really have love feelings again. He keeps telling me how happy he is. He also keeps telling me he never wants anything to do with OW ever again. He doesn't even want to see or talk to her EVER.

I know I have to be very gaurded right now, but he knows what to say and what to do.

Wellsince WH is working at the bar tonight...I have recruited a spy. He is going to text me as the night goes on and let me know if anything suspicious is going on.

This guy is a VERY trusted friend. He also knows everyone in that bar and will find out what is up and let me know.

Yeah WH swears it is over, but I need more proof than that.

HM,

I am so happy for you right now.

Yet, as you have been told and have said yourself, be cautious

Get some help to keep on top of the sitch and to help guide you BOTH thru successful recovery.

Have a great weekend!

HM,

How are you doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

We had a bit of a rough weekend. After the bar on Friday night, WH went back to his friend W's house. He had been in a really bad fight and was exhausted and sore. Do you think he could have called me and said he wasn't coming home? NOPE! Not one call. So I made it clear I won't accept this [email]cr@p[/email] or hte excusees that went along with it.

He thought about it for awhile and then packed his stuff and put it in his truck. Then waited to see what I was going to do. I did nothing. Said nothing. He didn't like my boundary, so he chose to leave.

The next day he was calling me asking if he could come over and talk. I chose to talk on the phone instead. We talked about my boundary and how I wasn't going to accept any less than common courtesy. W has yelled at WH for doing this too. Thankfully W is very good at sticking up for me as well. WH agreed that this was something he needed to work on, but then said he didnt' want to come back home because there were too many limitations. I said fine...your choice. But I will not accept you bouncing between houses. It is either or not both.

Gues who came back Sunday night wanting to talk and watch movies and to help with the yard? AGAIN Acting like this is his house....We talked about everything again. He seemed to kinda get it.

We were apart for most of yesterday, and he came back to the house very late at night. He said he and W had been cutting trees all day, and asked if I minded that he stayed at W's again because he needed him VERY early in the morning to help load the wood to take to his cottage. I said I guess. So he only stayed at the house for about 45 minutes then went back. He started texting me around 10 and continued till around 2am. He said he couldn't sleep there, that he wanted to be home. He mised me etc...

He had a really bad headache too, and when he has one he kinda misses me a little more because I help him. He is coming back tonight saying he isn't going to stay at Ws anymore.

Other that this, we had another really good weekend. Once we sat and talked he claimed he understood my boundaries, things went better. I worry though that by me saying I didn't mind that he stay at w's for that night, that I didn't just screw up my own boundary. I know they were doing a lot of work, but the whole stay over there thing. Then next weekend WH and W are doing the tree work at our house.

I don't know what to think.

WH just called to tell me that his paycheck was mailed to her house. We needed it, so he went to pick it up. He said she had the rest of his stuff and his check in a bag.

He said she was being really nice and said if he ever needed anything or just wanted to talk to call her. He told her no. That is how all this started. I don't need to talk to you. I have people to talk to. and he turned around and walked out.

I said if you really did do that, then thank you. He said you don't need to thank me. I don't want anything to do with her. Ever. He went on to say that he didn't understand why she was being so nice to him. So I was more than happy to explain it to him. He responded with I don't want anything to do with her.

Would you Believe him?

I'd say it doesn't matter right now if you believe him or not...it's his ACTIONS you need to watch, not his words. He can SAY it all he likes...what's he showing you by what he does?

I've glanced in on your thread a few times...I'd still suggest a lot of caution in letting him back in. Set clear, HARD boundaries about what you'll accept in order to consider allowing him back...and if he balks, then enforce those boundaries NOW, rather than later when he's got both feet in the door. Protect yourself and your family.

This is one of my boundaries that I need help with. I am not ok with him flip flopping between houses. He keeps his clothes in his truck so he can decide at the last minute if he is going to stay with me or with W. All of the stuff he doesn't use is stored at my house.

For the last week he stayed with me in my bed. Then we got into a tiff about him not coming home or even bothering to call Friday night. Didn't come home Sat night, came home Sun night, then stayed at W's last night and isn't sure about tonight.

I don't like that. It is here or there. He has already said he wants a back up in case we get into a huge fight. I said then don't let that happen!

My second boundary is the bar. He sat em down and said he doesn't want to quit until he finds another job that makes enough. He was trying, but then stopped. I have people who know the situation and are on my side, and tell me WH doesn't even glance at her if she shows up.

He makes plans to do work on the house. He is hving W come Sun. to help him cut down trees. He and I have been able to start letting each other know when the other one has done something the other didn't like.

For instance WH told me yesterday while I was trying to bake a b-day cake and weed whack "HM..YOU CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. I AM HERE TO HELP. STOP IT" As he took the cake out of the oven and came to me and said "Did you forget something" I of course said no! Thankfully it was a chocolate cake so no one noticed it was a little darker than it should have been...

He has been trying. He has done a lot more than he has in a long time. He understands how I feel and lets me ask questions. He does try to make me feel better if I have a trigger. Not all the time..but I had that one day where there were A LOT of triggers all at once. He was great in the morning..but when I came home later he bit my head off.

I am confused! He makes sarcastic remarks about us not being together right now. I said now what in the last 2 weeks has said that we are not together. He says..well I don't know...my stuff isn't here...but then is at the house all the time!

Is this how it goes?

Tell him you need a COMMITTMENT from him to work on your marriage.

He can't have a committment if he's got a 'back up plan'.

Also, simply tell him point blank that he's not welcome to live at the house, he's not welcome to come by and visit...he's not welcome to do ANYTHING unless he takes the steps you've outlined...quitting the bar being first and foremost.

He'll rant and rave...etc....ad nauseum. Don't cave. Don't get angry, don't rant back. Simply tell him that this is how it is...make it clear it's non-negotiable.

Is this somewhat of a Plan B without being dark? Should I write a letter telling him this? My phone was shut off and I can't even begin to know when I can pay it.

He comes over to visit the girls too. NOne of that either? Or I let him come over and I leave?

DO I let him still help me with yard work?

He does all of these things now. Suggestions?

Well, hopefully you'll get more feedback than just me...but I would say that it's almost time for a REAL plan B. You don't know for sure that the affair is over...just his words. As a matter of fact, he saw her just the other day, which means NC is not in place...ergo, affair continues.

Given that he seems to WANT to recover, its time to set those hard boundaries, with hard consequences for not meeting them.

I WOULD consider plan B at this point...it seems to me your plan A was effective, but he's not yet committed to rebuilding. It sounds like he needs a boot in the behind.

He has said 2 things to me that according to him are the reasons he is "scared" to come home:

1) What if we get into another big argument and you throw me out. I have proved that won't happen

2) I am making demands on him (quitting the bar) which he swears he would if he could. LIAR! He won't even ask his boss that each other be banned when the other is there. He says that is immature. I said too bad. That was done for another relationship that ended, so why not for him?

When we were discussing the bar..he actually said to me "It isn't my fault you are insecure!!" I yelled "ACTUALLY YES IT IS!!!" he hung up on me...

HM:

You established a boundary regarding him sleeping in your house or at W's. You enforce it, and then the next time you back away.

Please enforce this ONE boundary, each additional boundary you need to set gets easier to enforce once you actually enforce this one.

Next time he is there to spend the night, go out to his truck and move all his clothes into the house. State simply, "the next time you move them out, they are out for good. I'm carrying them in to show you my committment to this M. Your committment is to just stay put. But If you decide to go, theres the door, and take it all...."

And then DO IT.

No foot on the porch, no night in the house.

Enforce that boundary.

And go with him to the bar and change the address on his check. No reason for his check to go there.

You have talked to him about leaving there, establish a reasonable timeline with him on this.

And then enforce it.

If you do the above steps, then the timeline should be alot easier to negotiate.

And why a bar bouncer? In a fight? Can't he aspire to more than that?

Just wondering?

LG

1. Have you 'thrown him out' because of a big argument up to this point in your relationship? (Or was he forced to leave because he was behaving unfaithfully?)

2. It's not demands...its the expectations you'd have for ANY marriage. You're not asking for something that anyone else in your shoes wouldn't ask for.

It IS his fault that you're feeling insecure...and his statement tells you that right now, he still doesn't get it!