I think this is a big problem I am currently facing - my low self esteem is even LOWER now that my WW decided to have an affair.

What did some of you pros do to improve your self esteem - I think it would help with my Plan A if I looked more confident in my interactions with WW.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Nowwhat74

I am certainly not a pro, but I did manage to pick my self esteem out of the hole it was in.

I sat down one night and made a list of things that make me happy. My list consisted of doing my nails, toes, make-up, having my hair done, clean house, reading, etc.

I bought new clothes and made sure I FORCED myself to look good, and surround myself with things I loved, and loved to do. Eventually my esteem grew. It took awhile for me though. LIke 5 months! I am a slow learner!!

What are some things that make you happy?

Do Plan A things, NW. My personal favorite is exercise. Get out there and make yourself "all you can be." I'm partial to weight lifting because it shows you discernable results that people react to, verbally and otherwise.

Take a speech course at the local community college. Surveys show public speaking is right up there with death as something that intimidates folks. Conquer the fear, and you’ve moved yourself ahead.

You need shelves in the garage? Build them yourself, after some schooling with Home Depot, Lowes (or whatever) if you need to.

Are you conversant about what some people think is global warming? Buy a couple of books and find out the truth, then defend your ideas in discussions here, there, and everywhere.

In short, set yourself up for success. Find things to do where you can watch yourself make progress. These build self-confidence in your public persona and will translate easily into more private ones.

But what’s my best advice...something I have to remind myself of from time to time? Hey, just get off your couch, pardner, and get busy with living the rest of your life!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was severely distracted by thoughts of my FWW's LTA, still am sometimes. I exercised and prayed alot. I also got more into golf, even though I'm terrible, it was a nice diversion. For exercise, punching a heavy bag while picturing OM's face on it, was a great stress outlet, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> seriously! It never hit back or pressed charges.
Also, for self-esteem, remember as a BS, you didn't ask or deserve any of this dung, that was the WS's choice.

V/r,
No Way

Hi NW,

Not a pro either, but I'm being forced to become one. Clean up everything around you. Spend some money on new clothes, shoes, and jacket, get a hair cut. Don't have anything on you that's broken or worn out. Shower and clean clothes every day. Clean your car inside and out. Exercise, a lot. Do everything you'd do if you were going to meet a date. If she's having another A, go out and do something else, get away for a while, see the city, drive around in the country side, movies, visit an outdoor market, museum, whatever you'd enjoy. Do something else, because part of feeling down, is being left home alone. Spend the weekend at the beach. Let her know that her place is with you, else you might not be there when she gets back.

You can't force anyone to be with you and they see whatever value they see. The A causes an instant drop in perceived value to her, because she knows she caused real pain and damaged what you had together, so she's thinking the value with you is at a low point. This takes time to get back, and lots of effort on your part. Your value is still as high as it ever was, but she's seeing it through the fog and is all confused over it. Try your best in whatever you do from here on out, let her know what she's losing. Always the best and when she asks, tell her you thought it'd be fun.

God bless,
CS

NW,

First Replace the word Esteem with Respect.

Then start showing yourself the respect you deserve. Demand the same respect from others.

Do not associate with people that do not show you respect.

Treat your mind and body with respect.

Wake up everyday look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a great person."

Don't let others dictate your self worth. Only you can do that.

Value yourself at all times. Never let anyone devalue you.

Do nice things for yourself. Find one thing you do well and do it alot.

Those are some things you can do.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

~Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

Remember that a WS has an affair because of their own lack of self-esteem...The affair had NOTHING to do with you...

Getting some sun can also go a long way in making you feel better...A suntan makes everyone look better (okay, that's my opinion) and getting sun releases endorphins in the same way that exercise does...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

It is simple.

You gain self esteem by doing esteemable things.

Thank you for all your help!

I am feeling much better today - I have been working out, which I have never done before (might as well take advantage of the 30 lbs. I lost <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

Been trying to do more with friends also, going to movies or just hanging out.

I am still probably beating myself up way too much, which is also contributing to my low self esteem and respect - I sometimes feel that if I had been more respectful and outgoing we would not be where we are today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for your help! This site, and you guys, are life savers!

Nowwhat74

This sounds like you feel that you are responsible for your wife's choice to have an affair...Is that what you feel? If so, it is VERY untrue...Your wife had many choices besides an affair...Please let yourself off that hook...You don't belong there...

Glad you are feeling better today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I will be honest - I do feel like I am mostly responsible - she was/is an amazing women who put up with my insecurities, hermit like state and criticsms for too long - I know she chose the affair, and she could have just told me that she was not happy, but it is very depressing when you originally thought you were a great husband, but, in retrospect, realize you were pretty bad....

I know I am beating myself up, but I really feel like if I could go in a time machine and slap the crap out of my 20 something self, I would be a VERY happy 30 something right now.

Nowwhat74

Most of us could say the same thing! I'd have pummeled even my 30 year old self. You have to love yourself first, before you can experience love with another. You've received some great advice here. Just chiming in to offer support...

SD

NW,

Take ownership of what is yours. You own the fact that you were "Partly Responsible" for the deterioration of your M that made the A possible.

You do not own your WW's decesion to have an A.

There are so many different ways to handle a bad M that do not include an A.

If everytime we didn't feel loved we ran to another then I don't know of many M's that adultery wouldn't touch. Even the best M's hit rough spots.

Most importantly in my Eyes is that if it was so bad then why not a D.

I think the reason in most cases the M wasn't as bad as it was made out to be. Until an OP showed up.

Heck in my Home I was the greatest thing since sliced bread until my FWW slept with anohter man then I was an idiot. LOL.

Funny how things change I am sliced bread again.

You cannot beat your self up over your WW's choices. You can look at the points you have made here about your behavior and start changing those things.

Do not be a hermit, that critisizes.

Be outgoing and complimentary. Not to save your M necessarily but to better yourself.

The more things like that you change the better you will be.

Trust me it wasn't your fault.