I could tell because I've been there. Don't beat yourself up over it--the paralysis is a product of depression, and you have every reason to be depressed. You no longer have that "luxury" of inactivity, though, so I'm calling you out on it.


Don't just should--do it. No excuses. Follow up and tell us what you found/accomplished. I'll be watching.

Where are you, IHC? Busy figuring out how to paint BDS as a Deadbeat Dad Extraordinaire, I hope.

Hello? Concerned about you?

hope that something great is hapening to you and your youngn's LMAO

Look forward to hearing from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IHC

Are you okay? Let us hear from you.

I'm here. Work is extremely busy and I have been unable to follow up on all the options I was given. You have to be able to go to appt.'s for all of these things, so it will be next week. In Kern County all their offices are closed on Fridays...so today is out.

I finally sat down and pulled all the bills together...yikes!

WH dropped by a small check and I used that to pay the utilities that were almost turned off. (I don't think he had gotten the e-mail yet, but was just dropping off a check...but who knows?)

I updated my bill list and put down all the totals due...I am only 3500.00 in the hole this month! That amount would bring me completely current on everything, so ...it is not AS bad as I thought, but still a very deep hole. LOL

The anxiety from all of this is tremendous. I wake up throughout the night with my chest pounding...and the feeling doesn't really leave throughout the day. I can't take my anxiety medication unless I have the ability to sleep for a bit.

But, on the up side...I think my AD's are starting to work because I am laughing more than crying now!

And if this isn't enough, a while back I volunteered to host foreign exchange students from Spain...so now the pressure is on to have the house clean, car clean, yard cleaned, laundry done, etc., etc., etc. But it should be enjoyable in spite of the circumstances.

I can't wait til July 14th...I think I will have a blast getting away and meeting some of you in person...much laughter will be involved, I am sure!!!

Good that your anti-D's are kicking in. That really helps you deal with things better.

I think I would check Welfare - it seems like it would be better to help you now than have your family on the street. You might be able to get some emergency aid. Also check some women's groups. There has to be some help somewhere.

Keep at it, IHC.

Good for you IHC, you are sounding good in spite of the sitch and you are doing a great job...

I completely understand the waking in the middle of the night...

I'm glad that God provided a little someting for you to help you out...

You are doing such a fabulous job...keep up the good work!

Rin

Was finishing up the last little bit of unpacking at my house this weekend and came across my STBXH journal. The temptation was too great and I started reading. Most of it was benign but there were 2 entries from 1999 that hurt.

In one he opened his journal day by stating " My wife is such a dork. Sometimes I wonder why I even married her. (HA! HA! HA!)"

Man that made me sad.

Then the other was more damaging. It was a night when we had "talked" He talked about finally coming out and saying he was unhappy about some things and how it cleared some thinggs up for us...but then it went south...He said that by doing that he "opened a can of worms" Wrote that I had told him that he was paying more attention to other people than he was to me. He admitted it was true. Said he felt like his needs were not being met, for affection and love (sex too). Said my personality was so dominant that he didn't like to speak up, that he didn't know what to do except cry out to God for help.

Why didn't he just say we needed help? I never knew he was so unhappy.

Another entry stated something to the fact that he knew he did not receive enough guidance when growing up regarding inter-personal relationships.

This is true...he never knew how to communicate.

Oh well, I guess in my case, he really is telling the truth that he was miserable for the majority of our marriage.

I just want to be loved and give love to someone...someone who is NOT afraid to tell me when I am blowing it and when I am succeeding!

I am feeling very lonely right now and am looking forward to that time when my D is final and I can slowly start moving on...no big relationship just yet, but just something to get my feet wet again! I never really dated when I was young...I only had 3 boyfriends ever and one of them was my STBXH. So, I am not experienced in that arena at all!

Hope you all had a good weekend!

IHC

If every married person had written down an impromtu thought about a spouse and then decided to end the marriage or to re-write for their own selfish guilt easement then no one would be married. Everyone has had a negative thought about a spouse at some time. Heck everyone has had a negative thought about anyone they know more than in just passing at some point in their lives. He just happened to write down his on that particular day.

Of course he never bothered to write down the many times her was having wonderful thoughts of you, his family, his children and your dreams together. The fun times, romantic times you had together. See for most people and the more entitled/wayward mindset they are this is what is expected on their end 24/7. Don't listen to his BS about being unhappy and such. All of us are unhappy at some point. Happy is just that "happenings". That is why joy is something altogether different and has a more stable and permanent meaning to it than whether someone is happy for a few moments or not or whether their needs are being met for sometime or not.

I bet you could have written numerous things about WH at times in your M that he would not find appealing. The difference is you understand real love and relationships have mountains and valleys. It is not always going to be "happy time" at the old corral. This is totally screwed thinking and will lead to waywards/entitleds seeking that happiness elsewhere, imo, like you WH.

Don't you accept that he was always unhappy or his bull crap and lies. You know whether or not you were a good, supportive and loving parnter and mother and don't except some lying, waywards opinion or old musing otherwise,

So back in '99, it is all about him. Can tell just by what you posted.

You go and read HNHN, leave it lying around. It isn't only that you may need to brush up on your communication skills....his suk big time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Btw, he was babbling then and now.

JMHO,
L.

Yes, I can see that it was all about him. His actions are surely proclaiming that loud and clear right now too.

I just feel so deceived...I honestly did not know he felt this way. In his perception...it was probably the nightmare he claims it was, even though that was not the reality

Oh well, live and learn.

I can tell that I will be a better wife the next time around...I have learned so much about my shortcomings and about what I need from a husband.

It just takes so stinkin long to heal from this stuff!

STBXH wrote down one set of thoughts on one particular day; so what?! You cannot possibly apply a couple of journal entries to an entirety of a M. Nope.

Have you ever thought of your WH's bad traits, and cursed him for them? I know I have. I know I did, and I know that I will probably still do this now and then, when I think he's not helpful or perceive that he is being hurtful. The difference is that I will NOW tell PWC that I feel so and so about this and that. I won't write those thoughts down in a journal. What purpose did this serve for your WH? He wrote it down, GREAT, all fine and good, but he didn't tell YOU about these thoughts, these problems. He was afraid to. We all know that fear lies within, it's our own perception.

You feel that he had nothing to fear by being honest with you, but are you sure that's the truth? You would confront him, because you are so DOMINANT. Well, that's how problems get solved. He may fear confrontation; feel that his points were invalidated by your dominance. I know that PWC has probably felt the same way.

What I'm saying is this, stop kicking yourself for what you may or may not have done. You cannot know that some part of your personality BOTHERS someone if they don't have the courage to confront you. The trick now is, review those statements that your WH made. Are they valid? Are you a dominant person? Do you feel that you could learn something from his statements?

I know for a fact that many believe I have a STRONG personality. I have been confronted on this now and then, and listen, and make adjustments accordingly. I do not change who I am, but I change my approach. I know that PWC has had and will continue to have problems with me in this realm. Let's put it this way, people at work have coined me as "Bossy silentlucidity".

IHC, you have faults; we all do, such is being human. It is when we learn about our faults, ourselves, and accept ourselves that we begin to grow. You may learn something about yourself that you don't really like; when someone points it out to you, you can choose to change.

Also, you have suffered a great loss, a great betrayal, so recognize that divorce will not stop that pain. You will need a lot of time to heal. You have just suffered another Dday in the form of news of OC. One day at a time.

How 'bout that CS, IHC?

Please stop finding excuses to beat yourself up. You're the good person here, and BDS is the bad (or foggy/insane if you're feeling generous) one.

This is not your fault.

They're right IHC

I'll let you in on a secret.

I was an honor student, I was an all-state Tuba player, In 6th grade I was programming software on my Tandy 64K followed by my Tandy 1000. I used to stay up all night playing King's Quest. I took Calculus in high school. I helped build the information super highway for MCI Worldcom and Global Crossing.(You can all thank me for broadband later)

I have a HUGE Dork side. What's wrong with being a Dork? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

We're all a bunch of [email]d@mn[/email] Dorks around here. It's a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hold your head up. Be Proud of Who You Are

We Are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BDS wins the trophy for "Dork of the Year"...I know that...but the thing that bothered me is that I always felt like he thought of himself as the one who took a step down for me. He was the popular athlete, blah blah blah. I was the 4.33 GPA, sweet little never done anything wrong girl.

I am proud to be that person, it just hurt to be reminded that he did not appreciate that in me ( at least not all the time).

I have had no response from BDS re CS and the impending financial dom that awaits...typical response from BDS...no response (If I pretend there isn't a problem, there won't be one...ah crap how did I get in this hole?)

On a positive note...I just found out that effective immediately, I will be receiving an additional 500.00 per month for my foster son!! Just because of having to deal with some of his behavioral issues. WOW! That will make a nice dent.

See ya! IHC

*Ahem*

Update, please?