I'd love to "go dark" but unfortunately we have to see each other almost daily in the business.

When he walked away from the business last July (until January), I did go dark insofar as I only spoke to him about the kids, and mostly by email. Oh and there was that court thing too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In January circumstances made it necessary for him to pick up the ball on his end of the business. So I can't "go dark" in the true sense.

I could just quit being social with him - keep it strictly business, but if I ignored all small talk or whatnot, that would definitely send a signal of hostility.

We need to present a "happy" face to our clients, so if I start playing mind games by no longer being social during the work day, that could cause a problem.

Do you have any suggestions?

JinGA

Well today I came into a disaster at the shop - XH's doing (albeit accidentally). I had arrived an hour early (thank goodness!)... I called him to advise him of the situation and he came right away - by then I had the disaster under control. He cursed himself out for his carelessness - but an apology would have been nice since I bore the brunt of the results - but oh well... I'm being sensitive. At least he came in to help me deal with it. Last time something like this happened, he didn't answer his phone when I called, and I ended up having to drive over to his place and pound on the door to get his attention. Then he reacted like I was nuts or something... although once he got there he realized I wasn't exaggerating. So that's an improvement this time over last time...

I didn't make a big deal out of it - we both did what we needed to do to clean it up. The last time this sort of thing happened, was mid March and I ended up picking a fight and having a minor meltdown (which I described a few posts ago). This time I just dealt with it - I'm not nearly as burned out and stressed as I was then, so we both managed to take it in stride.

Uneventful day, quiet due to the long weekend. He left an hour early and justified it because I took some time off yesterday to goof off for a bit - that's fine.

He said he intends to come in tomorrow to complete something he started - I hope he does, because a critical piece of equipment is now out of commission til he finishes it and I need it back in service for Tuesday when we open for business.

I'm going to spend my day off with my kids. I didn't bother inviting him to do anything with us, since he'll decline anyway. Besides if he has to "work" at our business (even though it's closed) that gives him a legitimate out. If he wants to spend the holiday working - let him. I'll probably drop in at some point to check on things - the nature of our business requires that it not be left unattended for any length of time, so I'll swing by likely in the morning (before he gets there) to make sure the place is still standing so I can have some peace of mind as I take a much deserved day OFF!

It would have been nice if he'd have invited our kids over to his apartment building to swim - but I guess they've got lots of time this summer for that. Actually I'm going to take the optimistic view of that - I don't get many days off so it's nice to have one to myself to spend with the kids.

JinGA

Hey Jin, it may not really be germane to the discussion, but can I ask you what the business is? I don't think that I have any good reason to ask other than simple curiosity and because it plays such an integral role your situation.

I've kept it rather generic... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We own an aquarium store. I'm the "brains" and he's the "brawn" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We were hobbyists for over 20 years, and 5 years ago we made it into a business after I worked for somebody else "in the trade" for a year.

It was (and still is?) our dream. It was the one thing that kept us together even after the separation and D. When the D was looming I asked him if he still wanted to be involved in the biz, and he said an unequivocal YES. Of course a couple of months ago, after our spat, he "re-wrote history" and claimed he told me he wanted out of it ages ago. I remember our conversations at that time, vividly.

We're a great team - at least professionally. Wish he could see that we could return to being a great (or even greater) team personally, once again.

JinGA

Ah... Thanks for being open about that. Perhaps it will allow us to offer an additional perspective, though that's not why I asked. Given that you two share a passion though, it does make a strong argument for the old "having something in common" element.

It's interesting. Cooking is one of my hobbies but I don't think I'd ever want to do it professionally. I fear that the best way to ruin a hobby is to make it a job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You're sorta kinda right about that. I don't have any aquariums at home anymore - last thing I want to do after 10 hours at work, is clean a tank <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But there is a lot of satisfaction in helping hobbyists succeed. God knows there's no money in it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When XH took his leave from the store back in July, I was surprised because he always seemed to genuinely enjoy it - we both did. When I called him in January to tell him that we were suddenly shorthanded (the man I was seeing helped me at work - and when he got sick it was rather sudden.) When I called XH to tell him about it, without my even asking, the first words he said were, "I'll be there tomorrow."

I was shocked (pleasantly) - without me asking, he stepped right up to the plate.

A few weeks before that happened, my DD had told me she felt that her father missed working at the store.

It was *our* hobby, *our* passion, *our* dream and it's still something we enjoy, although it's more of a job now than a passtime. Still, we can appreciate things that folks who aren't interested in such things, would find odd. He'd brought the GF in to the store a few times when she first moved here, he had her scrub a few tanks but she never came back so I guess that didn't go over well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So yes, it's a tie that binds, it's something we both love. We are trying to sell the business - I'm waiting for an offer from someone who picked up paperwork from me last week. If it sells, I will likely stay on as an employee, but I don't expect him to. In fact, if it sells for what it's worth, maybe he'll just take his share of the proceeds and use them to move <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope not - but it's hard to say.

I'm frustrated with the situation. I wish he'd wake up and realize what's here before him, and leave behind the fantasy that will only continue to be a nightmare.

Unfortunately - I can't "fix" that, I can't change that, all I can do is keep working on me and pray that God gives him a poke at some point.

JinGA

Um... I'm glad I pressed for more detail. That paragraph (especially the bolded part) doesn't stand out to you?

New guy is suddenly out of the picture and your XH rushes in to fill the void? Are you sure his only motivation was to work at the store? Especially given the sort of lukewarm interest he seems to have in the actual day to day activities there? That's one possible impression anyway.

You said your XH took his leave from the store last July. When did you start seeing this other guy? When did he come to work with you?

It was a weird dynamic. My (now) XBF first came into the picture about 2 years ago - roughly 8 months or so post-separation. I moved on first once the M appeared to be dead beyond repair. BF moved to my area from another state. I had been acquainted with him through the business (he worked in another avenue of the industry) for many years and we'd come to know each other when he worked for one of my suppliers. There was never *anything* between us until well after my XH had moved out - just for clarity. I only really knew of him from some industry related message boards (we always came up on the same side of industry ethics issues) and we were on a board of directors together for a hobbyist group - board meetings were held online. He'd heard through industry grapevines that I was separated, and after a few months he started flirting with me and it just kind of went from there.

He and my XH actually got along - surprisingly well. At first XH exhibited some jealousy - sort of "dog in the manger" - he didn't want me, but he didn't want anybody else to either. Eventually he got past that.

I was with this man for about 4 months, then he decided to break it off - which was fine with me at the time. I was having second thoughts about going through with the D, meanwhile XH had found his GF... it was a real emotional mess. So my BF went back to his home state, and I went NC right away the day he left.

I tried and failed to initiate a reconciliation with XH. In fact I'd even tried to talk to him before BF left - I was confused (perhaps BF caught on to this and took his leave?) - as I've described before. XH was moving forward with GF, and doing some financially scary stuff, so I proceeded with the D.

I wrote a darned good letter to XH when I let him know I was proceeding with the D (we'd discussed maybe waiting on it - but when he was OK with waiting but didn't want to try with me again - I couldn't let us be at risk - there is no legal separation in our state, so D was the only way to protect he kids' and my interests). I told H in the letter that I still loved him and hoped that maybe one day we could repair, but until then, or in case it never happened, I was doing what I needed to do to survive, and it wasn't what I wanted to do. I had to take control of my life and move on - and that's what I did.

D was final, we spend the holidays as a family nonetheless, but he was moving forward with his GF.

Then, after 2 months of NC with BF, he contacted me out of the blue, and we picked up where we left off. He moved back here, and was here for a year, almost to the day. A few weeks after BF moved here again, XH's GF moved here too.

I ended the relationship with BF, illness was involved too. He moved back in with his parents (in another state). And no I didn't just dump him because he was sick. The relationship was well on its way out anyway. I stayed in contact as a friend for a while, to help and support, but that fizzled as I figured it would - but at least he was with his family and I wish him well, but I don't want to hear from him again.

During all this time, the man I was with helped out at the biz, with XH's blessing. XH actually respected the knowledge that BF imparted, and while I know few would understand any of this, (I had trouble with it!) it worked. XH even tried to help BF find a job with his daytime employer (BF had previously worked in the same field as XH).

So to answer your question - there was an overlap with both men working at the store. (Should I put on my fireproof suit?) It really wasn't as weird as it sounds, believe it or not! Nothing was ever behind anyone's back - both our relationships started post-separation, and months post-separation. (In hindsight it was way too soon - but live and learn!).

XH did not quit working at the store because of my BF. He quit because his GF didn't like him being around me. This was 5 months after she moved here, and he'd had about a month off during that time, for that road trip. He's told me this so I'm not speculating. He quit right after they returned from the road trip that cost him financial problems for a year after it, and during the time they were trying to pawn stuff for money, and when he was so desperate he was tying to get the company financials from me (to borrow?). I imagine that things were very stressed between XH and GF at that time, so he figured he'd left the place in capable hands (which he did) so he walked away. He chose to appease the GF rather than own up to his responsibility at the shop.

Yes, XH rushed in to fill the void at the store, but that was it. He did ask me a couple of times if I was OK, he asked if I'd heard from BF etc. The last time he asked me I told him I was NC, that was a couple of months ago, and I'd been NC for some time.

A month after XH stepped back in to the store, his GF went back home for 6 weeks to "take care of sick father". Her father had an accident shortly before Christmas and she went to see him then, and was gone during Christmas. She left her kids with XH both over Christmas and for the 6 weeks. (But she took her dog with her!). 3 days after returning, she announced she was moving back to her home state, and she's been there for 5 1/2 weeks now.

The way I saw it with XH returning to the business is that he never really wanted to leave it, but felt he had to appease the GF to keep the peace at home. Once I was stuck, he HAD to return to the biz to live up to his responsibility - it was no longer a choice, and therefore he could justify it to her. At least that's how I saw it. I think it had more to do with his liking the work/passtime, as opposed to spending time with me.

When we had our spat back in March, he told me that he was there for one reason, and one reason only - to prepare the business for sale. Of course he was angry then... and he hasn't exactly gone gangbusters to spit and polish. He does the work but he's not doing a lot of extra stuff to give it "curb appeal". In fact he hasn't asked me about the status of our prospective buyer. I told him the guy picked up the papers - but he wouldn't have even known or cared about that if I hadn't felt I should inform him. I get to handle all that. He rarely even asks how sales are.

Of course during that spat he also told me that HE had a life and responsibilities (ROFL!) and I had no life. He spewed a lot of venom at me that day, and I actually walked away wondering if he wasn't really mad at somebody else (GF) but I was the one who was actually there to take it out on?

He accused me of being lazy (and I do have my lazy times!) and not working etc. Well I may not be slaving every minute of every day but I do put in about 70 working hours a week, as well as taxiing my kids to extracurricular activities (one's an honours student and the other *could* be if he wanted to!). I also try to spend as much quality time with my kids as I can, which can be tricky at times, but we're creative with Sunday mornings and Monday afternoons!

Before he pulled the sliver out of my eye, he should have looked at the log in his GF's. I didn't go there during the argument, but it was hard not to.

I just felt after that argument that a lot of what he said really wasn't meant for me at all - but she'd been gone for a month, he had all this frustration, I pushed the buttons because I initiated the argument. I'm not making excuses but I was tired and burned out, and I felt like at times he was working against me. I did stop the fight, I apologized for initiating it, and the rest of the day was fine. Back in the day I could carry a fight on indefinitely and never admit if I started it - so there's some progress on my part. I've managed to not start fights quite a bit, when I otherwise might have - but some stuff isn't worth it.

I'm dealing better with my stress now - so even after today's disaster (it was a ~50-gallon flood on the floor), I was calm and so was he and we just fixed it.

Seabird, if you see more to his actions that I have, then chalk up another mixed signal.

If he's that eager to rush in and fill the void, why isn't he more receptive to doing things with his family?

JinGA

You know... I feel I need to add that I was fogged in too. I suppose that goes without saying - but I just figured I might as well admit it and get it out there.

I did pull my own head out, but stuck it back in again.

I can tell you it's firmly out of the fog and in the light of day.

I will also say that if XH had EVER said he wanted to give it another try - there were times when I wouldn't have wanted to hear it. Not necessarily because of the fog, but because I didn't see the changes in *him*.

Once I started seeing *real* changes in him, changes that stuck for a while - my own fog lifted.

Just so we're all on the same page <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Okay, the timing is a lot more complicated than I thought. It sounded earlier like as soon as the XBF left the picture, the XH came rushing back in.

It makes more sense to me now why you are waiting for the GF to become the XGF - officially. If anything, her continued presence only serves to muddy the waters. She is an unknown variable and just makes things harder to understand, is that right?

No, that's right. When XBF got sick, he was hospitalized and I called XH to tell him what was going on (for his info - I didn't ask anything of him) and he came back to the business the next day.


Yes, more or less. It's not a simple cut-and-dried situation. I think as long as she's got an influence, he's not going to want to hear what I have to say, or consider what's here for him.

Time will tell.

JinGA

Who knows how much influence she has right now? I doubt your XH even knows for sure. All anyone knows is that she's still a variable of some kind. Could be good, could be bad, could be nothing at all. Like one of those tricky word problems in math class that give too much information.

Now that I understand the situation a little better, I tend to think that you are on the right track. It's best for her to be totally removed from the scenario before you move forward. Her behavior does suggest that she's done with the R other than as a matter of convenience.

I still think it's interesting that your XH came rushing in to fill the void in the store once the BF was out of the picture. It suggests a kind of "knight in shining armor" action on his part. I understand that he has a logical stake in the business, but it doesn't sound like he's been busting his hump to make it a raging success either. I just have to wonder if his involvement there is an excuse to hang around you as much as anything else.

Well let me add something else to chew on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This morning I went by the shop to make sure it was still standing - and it is. Then I went out for groceries while the kids were still just getting mobile (well one was...). I got home about 10:30, rousted the younger one out of bed, the kids put the groceries away and we were contemplating what to do with our day.

Within a half hour or so of my arrival home, my phone rang. It was XH. He was at the shop working on what he'd started yesterday - which I expected. He said he could smell something burning but couldn't figure out where it was coming from. So I said I'd be right there.

I went over there (I live 1/2 mile from the shop - so does he.) No smell. I walked around sniffing the air like a bloodhound - nothing but the usual smells. Now the air around here has been smoky lately as we are getting whafts of smoke from wildfires 300 miles from here - yesterday was really bad, but not today. Anyway - he had been using the pressure washer and he said maybe that was what he smelled - perhaps - I didn't smell anything unusual, but I asked if the "smell" started after he started using the pressure washer and it had.

He said sorry... I said no problem.

So he went back to doing what he'd been doing. I asked if he needed help - he said, "Not really". I hung back for a few minutes, and he started moving a bulky piece of equipment, so I offered to lend a hand. Long story short - he ended up needing to refit some PVC, and while he was moving stuff to move this piece of equipment, I asked him if that would be better off with a shutoff valve and union (I know - plumberspeak!) and he looked at it and agreed. So I offered to do the Home Depot run for him while he worked on the other bit. Went to Home Depot (twice - got a wrong part on the first trip!) and I hung around being the Al Borland to his Tim Taylor.

We chatted for a bit, I asked if he wanted to see the kids this afternoon. He said that DS told him we had plans today when XH had mentioned coming over. I told him we had no firm plans, sorry that DS told him that...and in a friendly way, asked him next time just to ask me. He knows I've never been anal about extra time with the kids - he can have as much time as he wants as long as I don't have something planned for certain. He shrugged - no biggie.

Later I said we weren't sure what we were going to do, and that it's too bad my subdivision doesn't have a pool (HINT!).

He said that if the kids and I (!!!!) wanted to come over for a swim, we could. (Wow first invite for ME in 2+ years!) Duh - I said, "Me too?" He didn't really answer (he may not have heard me - lots of noise in the pump room). He did say the pool was packed this morning when he left to come to the shop.

I mentioned later in passing that my BBQ needs fixing too - needs a new burner and I have the part number (but he didn't bite on that... LOL).

So we worked for a couple of hours, and when we were done he said he was heading home. I asked him to just call if he wanted to spend time with the kids (no mention of moi). He repeated that if the kids and I wanted to go for a swim. However - he told me that if we want to go, just to call him (to let us into the gate) and the kids can come up to his apartment to get the access card. That implied that he doesn't intend to join us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well - I may have a little "encouragement" up my sleeve. He left his bathing suit at the shop (we have a tank that's big enough to get into, and several weeks ago he was in it to clean it). I brought it home with me. I'm not sure yet if the kids want to go (I've told them about it - they are in 'lazy' mode today), but if they do, when one or both goes up to get the access card, I'll have them deliver his bathing suit and ask him to join us. That way he can't use the excuse that he doesn't have his suit. If he doesn't want to come down - he won't. If he does, he will.

Either way - I'm not going to place big expectations.

I think the "smoke smell" today was just a reason for him not to have to work alone. He didn't overstay, we didn't talk about anything too profound - we just spent a bit of time with him working on something that needed doing, and I helped. He could have managed on his own, but at least I helped speed up the process a bit, and he got a break from 'lonely'.

Well I guess I'll see what the kids want to do with the rest of the day. If they want to go for a swim, I'll have to get DD a new suit, as she's outgrown last year's.

Stay tuned...

JinGA

You know I just don't get this man sometimes. King of mixed signals, always has been and probably always will be.

After I posted yesterday I took DD out to get her a new swimsuit - got her two (and splurged on a couple of nice blouses for myself - woohoo!)

DD then called XH to ask if it was still OK to come for a swim - it was. So we headed over there. DS had left his suit at XH's so he went up to get the access card and change. He also brought XH's suit (which I snagged from the shop as he'd left it there a few weeks ago) and asked him to join us.

XH said his arm was sore (funny - he never said anything while he was working wit me earlier - and he usually tells me about every ache or pain - he had a headache and heartburn over the weekend *g*), and he was about to go grocery shopping. Said he'd leave the apt door open for DS to return to change, and did not give him the card to open the pool gate (same card opens the pool as well as the compound gate). He said that somebody at the pool would likely let us in - which they did.

So we swam for about an hour and a half. I wasn't "watching", but I don't think he ever drove out to get groceries - DS doesn't think so either as XH was still home when DS went back to change, and didn't see anything that would indicate that he'd even left the apartment.

Oh well, the kids and I had fun and it was a nice way to spend some time. Came home, cooked out, watched the hockey game later on. Life is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just don't get it - it's like something is holding him back (or is it "someone"?).

The call for me to come to the store was weak. Unless his goal was to undermine any plans I had with the kids - and I could have just said I was busy, deal with it (but I didn't). The invite for all of us to swim was new. And it wouldn't have been appropriate while GF was living there, to have me come to the pool (although I don't think she even used it but her kids did). Of course us using the pool is no inconvenience or hardship to him - but he still didn't have to offer. I would have thought he'd have wanted to see the kids, but he didn't even come down to talk to them. DD didn't see him at all as she didn't need to go up to change.

I suppose in the bigger picture we are moving a bit closer together - tiny baby steps. This time last year he was off on his road trip, living in his own world, didn't even answer the kids' phone calls when they tried to touch base with him - he hit his epitome of selfish starting at about this time last year.

So we'll see what this week brings. Trying to be content with the good stuff, and not be so frustrated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

As a dad who will soon only get to see his kids half as much as before, I'm having a real problem developing any empathy for your XH. I'm sorry, but his lack of interest in his kids annoys me no end.

Actually - it's not typical of him. He's usually very involved with them and that's what puzzles me. I just would have thought he'd spend extra time with them after GF left but he hasn't done that. He does spend the usual amount of time with them, just nothing "extra".

And he *did* want to see them this weekend (overnight) but DS told him that we had plans when we really didn't - so that was a simple miscommunication.

I just don't get why he wouldn't even come and sit at the pool even if he didn't feel like swimming.

I'm wondering if some of his depression symptoms are creeping in? He's been stable for 2+ years on good meds - and he's taking them - and I haven't seen mood swings or anything like that but he does seem to be somewhat withdrawn and his physical "aches and pains" usually accompany down times. Mood-wise he seems fine but maybe there's more going on than meets the eye. I'm going to keep a close eye.

JinGA

The depression thing came to my mind as well. Especially when you said that you don't think he actually left to get groceries. I suspect that when someone is depressed, they have a hard time getting moving so to speak.

It still annoys me that he wouldn't jump at every opportunity to be with his kids. That's my drama though. I'm not casting judgment on him. I'm just sharing my stuff.

I hear you. And I'm glad that you do value your time with your kids. My own father detached very easily and for the last 30+ years he's treated strangers on the street better than his own flesh and blood. Doesn't do much for my sister's and my self-esteem, but I've managed to detach also and realized it's his problem, not mine. But that's another post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Normally he takes most opportunities for extra time, but he hasn't really since GF left. We have a visitation "schedule" in our decree, but I've never held him to it - if it's a reasonable request, I let him have all the time he wants. Last year I even cancelled my own plans so he could have time with them before he left on his big adventure - and then he didn't answer his phone for 2 weeks . That made me mad, and we were all worried sick about him (I talked about that in another post - he didn't even answer his phone or call upon his return and his brother and I rushed over to his place to make sure he was home - and he was. We both wanted to strangle him!)

Normally when he's feeling depressed, I can tell. He mopes around, he's moody - before he ever got treatment for it we lived on eggshells because he always blamed everybody else (and esp. me) for his bad moods. Since he's had meds for it and found the right cocktail (he went for a few IC sessions but didn't stick with that...), he *has* learned to identify when *he* is having a rough time and if I ask if something's wrong, he'll just tell me so. I'll ask if I can help, he'll say no thanks and I just back off and let him process it, and that's that. I let him know I'm here for help or support, but let him deal with it, without pushing him or making matters worse. If we'd figured *that* out during the M, I wouldn't be having this conversation now.

I have seen him have some "bad days" between when GF dropped the bomb and when she left, but by and large he has been OK since she left - at least outwardly. No moody days, but his actions are saying otherwise and I find that different from his usual MO.

I just hope that he's not starting to detach from the kids. I don't think he is as such. I just think he may take for granted the liberal vistation I offer and he's just not maximizing on it. Now that the kids are done school, they may press him for more time. We'll see if that happens.

I've told the children that I think they can and should express their concerns over his contemplating a move. They will be the most affected by it, and I think they're nervous about opening that can of worms, but I think they must if they want to make sure he considers every aspect of what such a move would do to them.

I still don't think he'll move - but I do think he'll make the road trip out there in July. We'll see what happens.

I think in some ways he maybe wants to get closer to all of us, but he's afraid to. I'm doing my best to be warm and inviting, to make myself apparent to him that I am safe. That's about all I can do at this point. I told him I still love him, so that much he knows - or should know.

Like I keep saying - it's all about mixed signals with him. One day I think he's getting closer, another day he pulls back. Sometimes he does both in the same day (such as yesterday). He calls me in on a lame reason, but won't spend any more time with me, and none at all with the kids. Makes NO sense. I even offered to let him take just the kids for the day - they could have spent the night at his place and I could have picked them up during the day today, or he could have dropped them home on his way to work... there are lots of options out there for him, maybe he didn't think of them. Maybe he also knows that I don't get many full days off, and didn't want to interrupt that (although the call to the shop did interrupt...).

Well he should have them this coming weekend, and of course they will go there for Father's Day. He is due to take them to the libary tomorrow night, so we'll see what happens there - if they want to spend the night there (and try out those new beds!) they are welcome to.

He knows what it's like to be away from his kids for a long time - he hasn't forgotten what it was like during the 2 years it took us all to relocate in one place. He didn't like that at all. I'm counting on that to weigh heavily into his decision as to whether he moves or not. I think there are other factors too that he should be considering but the kids are first and foremost.

I don't know what signals he's trying to send me. Perhaps he's just confused, and sharing the joy.

He will likely stop by the shop tonight - we'll see how that goes.

JinGA

Thinking about that statement too ... while he's not showing the usual signs that he's depressed, I do know he's been late for work a few times lately, because he's told me as much. He never did do well with an alarm clock, for many years I had to wake him up - now he has nobody to wake him up. He takes medication to help him sleep, once he takes that he's OUT. He told me a week or two ago his schedule was a bit messed up -taking his med a bit later than he should have. That's the reason he gave for declining my second-last dinner invite. I know he was late at least once because I saw him well past his usual start time at work. If he's feeling depressed that could factor in as well.

However on the flip side, he's usually early or on time at the shop since she left, and that's new - although he was late on Saturday (just a few minutes), Sunday he came in when I called him about the flood (almost an hour early but we don't open til 1) and before I left home he'd called the kids about something (I was in the shower I didn't know he'd called til the kids told me later) so he was mobile before noon *g*.

He seems suitably motivated here, and I can only assume he's performing up to snuff at work - even in the throes of depression, he did function quite well at his job, although back in the day he did take a lot of sick days. I don't think he's taking sick days - he took a day off the day GF dropped the bomb (understandably) but I don't believe he's taken any since she left (at least none that I know of).

If he is depressed right now, it's not in the typical way that I'm used to. I haven't ruled it out though, so as I said, I'm keeping my eyes open.

JinGA

I have to say, my worry-radar was going off all day today. Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I chalked it up to anxiety I've been feeling lately over this whole situation.

Well, by 6:15, XH had not come by the shop. Normally he has come and gone by that time. I hadn't communicated with him today - had no need to. After I came to work (open at 4 today) I had a couple of minor client issues to go over with him and I figured I'd address them when he got here (just need to schedule some stuff with him).

I called home to check on DD. DS had left earlier to go to a friend's. In passing I asked if she'd heard from her father today. She said that DS had called him a short while before to see about picking up his swimsuit at XH's apartment (he left it there yesterday) so he could go swimming with his friend. DS was able to go by to get it, so XH was home.

I called XH just to see if he was coming in and make sure everything was OK. He said he wouldn't be in. I asked if everything was OK - he sounded "off" when he picked up the phone - almost nasally or congested (he wasn't sick yesterday when I saw him). He said he'd taken the day off sick because he didn't sleep last night due to his shoulders bothering him.

Not totally uncharactaristic - but usually that sort of thing only happens when he's feeling depressed. He moved some stuff here yesterday but never complained of any pain until later when we went swimming and declined to join us.

I told him I hoped he felt better, and that the customer stuff could wait until tomorrow.

My worry-radar still works right, I guess. I just had a feeling that something's amiss. I have to say, I'm not convinced that whatever is "wrong" is strictly physical, but I'm not going to press him to talk about anything unless he wants to. I'll likely drop him a line in the morning asking him if he feels better, and leave it at that.

Perhaps the "congested" was if he was napping and I woke him, but I didn't get that impression. However if he'd been weepy, that would fit. He's not one to cry very often, but he does very rarely.

I'm probably reading more into it than I should - but I kind of feel "validated" that my worry wasn't unfounded - there *is* something wrong.

JinGA