Plan A for at least another 2-3 months

get yourself strong

Well gang.... things have not been going well here. So, last night I told my H it would probably be best if we move forward with a D. He agreed it was in our best interest.

Right now neither of us is making each other happy at all. When my friends see me outside the home doing stuff, they see that I am happy and vibrant.... When I get home and have to deal with the disappointment that is my marriage, it is a different story and I become a different person, a person that I don't like.

I just want to be happy, and I will not be happy unless my H breaks off all contact with his ski friend. And he won't. I said last night that he has to choose. I am tired of waiting around for hours when he is out 'working out' with this person.

I am tired of hearing how she 'gets' him, how she has been there for him, and how much 'fun' they have together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Just plain tired. My love bank is just about empty for him and I don't have the courage to fill it back up.

I feel like a D is the only way back to happiness for me since my H keeps telling me that he can't be my H right now and that is all I want. I don't really want the D but I just don't think we can make this work. :`(

Plan B his wayward a$$. Go for a legal separation instead of a divorce. See how he likes living in an apartment while paying for your mortgage, paying alimony and child support. He probably won't even be able to afford ski trips with the woman anymore. Saving your M is all about making him face consequences before you've lost all your love for him.

We have no kids, so child supoprt is not really an issue. And as far as alimony goes, we make just about the exact amount of money.

He keeps saying he wants to be my friend after we D. I told him I can't do that. He keeps saying he can't ever imagine his life without me. Blah blah blah. I think he is just trying to keep me at arms length so he can have his cake and eat it too.

I have been trying to make changes, but I still get upset and freak out every time he is with 'her'. Last night I think I finally made up my mind that I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing that anger or hurt anymore.

One thing that I have noticed, is as long as we are not in the same room and we talk over the phone, we are quite amicable. And I am fine and not angry as long as he's not spending time with 'her'.

We are still living in the same house, now in seperate bedrooms. We have 2 dogs that need to be taken care of. What should I do? Kick him out?

I don't really want the D, but right now I don't think we can ever get back to where we used to be.

Yes, first off, start by telling him that you want to stay married and you aren't going to seek a divorce, but you aren't going to be a part of a three way relationship. Then defend your marital boundaries. He needs to have NC with her. If he refuses, expose to everyone. If he continues, pack up his stuff, and drop it on the curb. Change the locks and leave him a Plan B letter. Then you do not speak to him until your plan B letter conditions are met. Any thing that needs to be discussed can be by email through an intermediary like a friend of yours. He can get a court order to be let back in, but that would take time, and he likely won't go through the trouble. This will shake any illusion of you being friends after this is all over. I would start getting my ducks in a row for plan B. I would start writing a letter, lining a friend up as an intermediary, and getting finances and things ready to be separated.

Man... one day you think you are on the verge of the big D and the next... well not so much.

Things aren't realy getting better right now, but at least the D word was not mentioned this weekend. Last night my H came home after a weekend at his parents house. We were both in petty good moods and we didn't argue about anything. We watched the Sopranos (what a non-ending BTW!) together and sort of chatted about this and that the whole night.

He slept in the same bed when I asked him to. He said he didn't want to hear me cry so he did. We were intimate, but he was cold as he has been recently.

On Friday when he headed down to his parents house, we had a long talk on the cell phone. He apologized for what he has been putting me through, hanging out with what I deemed to be the OW. He claims there is still nothing going on with them and that they are just friends. He says he just doesn't like to come home right now because we make each other miserable (which is true) and that's the reason he sees this person so much.

While on the phone I asked hime to read LB and HNHN with me and he said he would (baby steps)! But still nothing about MC. And he is still very cold and emotionally distand when he is face to face with me..... On the phone it seems to be a different story.

I have told his parents, his closest friend and some of our mutual friends about his 'ski buddy'. One of my friends says he thinks that there is nothing going on since my H is being so open about their whole friendship. Bottom line is I just don't know. I haven't really found any inciminating evidence other than the time they spend together and some really innocent text messages.

Anyway, our 5th anniversay is friday and we are going out on a date (wow!). I told him not to get a gift. But I'm thinking I will get him one anyway. Something small.... What do ya think?

Well, we had a couple of good days in this last week. But that all ended yesterday. He says he can't be my H right now and does not have it in him to work on the M. He seems to have made up his mind about our M but just doesn't have the heart to tell me.

He says at our age with our situation we things should be easy between us and they are not. he thinks that we should never have gotten married.

He has noticed the changes that I have made but says that they are not making a difference on how he feels about me and our M.

He says he has forgiven me for all the things I have done wrong but he can't forget them. One thing happened almost 2 years ago and he still harps on it. I don't think he has forgiven me at all for anything.

He also brings up our family life and our friends life. He says he doesn't want to talk to my mom because of the things she said to him. My MIL won't talk to her either. He says how can we have a happy family life when things are like that?

He only keeps coming up with things to get out of the M, he has no reasons to stay in it.

There is no affair. He recently changed all his passwords and gave me access to them. He says he just has a clsoe friendship with his ski buddy.

I think I really did lsoe him and I have no chance of getting him back. I am still trying to work plan A, but it doesn't seem to be making a difference. He also says that all the things I am doing won't make a difference to him.

I'm not sure how much longer I can come home and hear these things. Any love that I have left seems to be seeping away.

Advice anyone?

anyone?

So... I thought this would be an amusing story about karma (sort of) to share with you all.

Several weeks ago. Maybe 2 months now. The wood sleigh bed frame to our bed cracked and the matress ended up on the floor. This was at about the time when things got really really bad between my H and I. Rockbottom you may call it.

Well, after looking for a new bedframe and not finding one to match the furniture we have, I decided to get the frame fixed. Needless to say the bed frame came back today all patched up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> No more sleeping on a matress on the floor.

A keep complaining things are not getting better between us, but things are at least getting better with me. I'm learning to love myself I suppose. Could this patched bedframe be a sign of things to come or am I crazy?

I totally and completely believe in karma, and this seems a little karmic (I don't even know if that's a word) to me. I dunno, any opinions?

I'd mention to your WH that you've met a number of people who have been through situations just like your own...that their stories were so like your own situation that it was uncanny. And that you've heard from them of their own recoveries, even where things seemed so much worse than where you're at now.

Even when it looked like friends and families would never forgive the WS, it almost always seems to turn out that when the couple begins to get back together, those families eventually heal too.

The MIL situation just isn't that big of a concern in the whole of things. It can resolve itself.

On the bedrame thing...I don't know about 'karma', but I can tell you that a few nights before my d-day, I was walking our dog and thinking about what was going on, and praying. And I asked God to give me a sign if this situation was indeed something that I needed to take action about...was her friendship with this guy over the line? The moment I finished praying that, I saw the brightest meteor I've EVER seen in my life. Gave me the chills for quite some time.

The next night, I had the most vivid dream, I woke up and wrote it down. I told my wife about it too. I told her it meant something...but didn't know what. After d-day, she told me that her and OM had talked about that dream...it scared the heck out of both of them, because to them it clearly gave the message that they were going to be caught.

Don't know about karma...but I know that God has a hand in everything we do. Just pray to him and ask for His will to be done in this situation. Its the best solution you could hope for, WHATEVER answer He gives.

Well June 15, 2007, today, is our 5th year anniversary. We are going to dinner and out to a movie. I am just soooooooo nervous. I want to tell my H not to talk about our problems and just try to have a good time. I just don't now if that's possible. I feel like he is going out of obligation, not because he wants to......

I fear that today he will tell me we should file for the big D. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Help! I think I'm a gonner. My H told me last night and then today that he can't do this anymore. When are we going to stop lieing to ourselves and just move on.

He wants the D. He says he can't get past any of the things I have done to him. The violence, one lie that happened about 2 years ago, the nasty things I said. He also feels sexually inadequate with me and hates the person he becomes around me. He says that he's forgiven me but can't forget what I've done (duh). How can I help him get past all of these things?

He says he is geting old and wants to have a family but doesn't see that with me. He doesn't want to hold on to 'nothing' any longer.

I hate the person I have been for a long time and I am trying to change. And he says he sees that but that it doesn't make a difference because too many things have happened. I have so much remorse over the things I have done to ruin us that it's killing me inside.

I am working my plan A as best as possible. But sometimes I crack. I feel like I have pushed him farther away. I may have been a little clingy.

He still calls to check on me and make sure I'm ok, so I know he cares. I drove from Boston to Montreal today and he called me like 5 times on the way for stupid crap, like to ask where things were.

Please somebody give me some advice or encouragement!

R u done with your plan A improvements? Do you have a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience? If yes, u r ready for plan B.

He is sucking the life out of you. He is babbling and you seem t/b buying it. He will continue to babble until you give him back his guilt and tell him to stop babbling.

JMHO,
L.

Zora,
I feel my situation is pretty close to yours with my WW, however, two pieces of advice my pastor gave me in my situation that I think would help you that makes perfect sense, is 1)Stop being intimate (BS always takes the intimacy to mean something that it probably doesn't with the WS) with WS until they are willing to work on the marriage and show you they mean it, and 2)Don't talk about each other too much because it always pushes them into a corner and they become like a caged animal and will usually say the most hurtful things. Let the WS bring up what they want, and don't FORCE IT OUT OF THEM. Once I stopped both (intimacy wasn't too hard because I am 10,000 miles away, but was home for 10 days) about two weeks ago, I have seen a change in her. hope this helps.

One thing that I have noticed is that my H will only talk about the negative and bad things about our relationship. The only thing he will talk about are problems. I feel like this is making everything worse.

Should I just refuse to talk about problems?

How can I dig my heals in when it comes to the big D?

I think things could work if he could get past some things, but he says that the time that it will take is just not worth it, he would rather move on. He needs to see an IC, but he refuses.

See, if all you talk about is problems with him, then in his mind you keep those perpetuated as to why he doesn't want to be with you. Just deflect them by saying I understand how you feel, and nothing more. Don't tacarry on the conversation after that. If he sees that you are not engaging, yes it will make him upset, and probably tell you you don't care, but he will quit and begin to talk about other things soon. Do you see what I mean?

Well, it turns out that my parents hired a PI to have my H followed. I had nothing to do with this and was rather embarrassed that they did this.

I kept hanging up on parents because they were screaming at me, so I have yet to see the 'proof' as they say. I had a fight with them on the phone about this whole mess because they have been driving me crazy. I was crying and my H sat next to me to see what was wrong.

I told him about what they did. Then he came clean and says that he was being a bit to friendly with his ski buddy and this probably was some kind of EA that he was in. I aksed him if he had any feeling for this person and he said no. I also asked if she had any for him and he said he was pretty sure that she did not. Then he blamed himself for the whole situation and that he hadn't been treating me right for the last few months. He seemed the most sincere and gentle that I had seen him in weeks. There was no anger only sadness.

I'm crushed, but now I have a glint of hope. So now what do I do now? Should I ask him to go back to counseling? What about his friend? What should I do about that? HELP!

Go THANK your parents for their effort. It was well meaning and revealing all at the same time. Probably the most they can do w/o feeling helpless.

Now ask they respect your decision.

With that in mind, ask your H what he thinks his next step should be. Let him know you have some beneficial ideas (MC w/Steve or one familiar with MB, recovery plan, apologies to all who know - including your parents, etc.) but before you reveal your thoughts you are asking him for his ideas.

In the meantime you go read HNHN to learn HOW to communicate with the male gender. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Should I confront the seemingly OW? I know that she didn't ruin my marriage, but she certainly didn't help it. She was trying to be a good friend to my H while I was a mess, but now he is emotionally close to her. The 'she gets me' statement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anywho, my H and I decided to seperated since we have been sooooo miserable. He is moving out and is moving about 45 minutes away from both me and the 'seems to be' OW. I am soooo happy about this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. At least it won't be as convenient.

So, do u think I should have a talk with OW?

I hate to say this and burst your bubble, but 45 minutes is NOTHING when it comes to an affair.

For example, OW here was in a special school almost 1 1/2 - 2 hours away from here and FWH would drive almost EVERY day to go and see her for lunch and a boink.

And this was after I'd found out and confronted (but not exposed yet).


Him moving out isn't the best thing to save your M. Yes, you'll be miserable still for a while until he's moved into Recovery... but the pain is worth the gain. Moving out isn't. It just simply enables them both to continue AND limits your ability to watch him and reconnect with him.