Stay away.

Let me put it differently.

Say you are aiming a rifle at someone. Then you decide to pull the trigger. Once the bullet exits the muzzle, what more good are you? Nothing on heaven or earth you can do now will change the outcome.

Stay away.

Obviously, I will come back later!

Hopefully, she will not act a fool in front of the children!

Be prepared for her anger. Respond calmly as was advised by others above. The angrier she gets, the better you did. She will get over the anger as was already said. You ARE doing the right thing. Don't doubt that for a second.

Your M may or may not survive but, if it doesn't, I can assure you that this exposure will never have been the cause.

Let me let you in on a bombshell!

I was in her shoes 11 yrs ago! She forgave me!

I already forgave her and told her I had a strong desire for our marriage to work!

Therefore, I am even prepared to expose myself to the contacts on my doings yrs ago so my WS cannot try to keep score by saying "he did it to me"!

They will already know!

This is war dude. Get bloody. Do you want to salvage your pride or your marriage? Your call.

I'm pissed now!

WS just came home after midnight (I know after seeing OM)

She dropped my 5yr old at friends house and picked her up after rendezvous!

I have ALL the courage I need now.

I just told her to sleep in anothe room other than our master bedroom when she walked in!

She did not even say a word! She was BUSTED!

I almost feel like putting her out of house for now!

Is that TOO drastic! Am I acting on emotion only at this point?

******, I'll call Pres Bush tomorrow if I thought he could shame her out of the A.

In fact, I will not let her sleep in the master bedroom anymore until NC is achieved and open accountability!

I am pissed now!

WS just arrived home after midnight after pretending to go shopping!

She dropped 5yr at friends house and met OM.

I made her sleep in another part of house other than master bedroom AND locked the door!

Does anyone think I am crazy to make this the norm until NC and full accountability is achieved!

I am ready to make exposure calls now!!!

I don't feel bad one bit!

I would call Pres Bush if I thought he could shame her out of the A!

Should I squeeze her financially - i.e. make her take the hooty to work on Mon instead of the family van?

Or do I have to resort to Plan A?

P.S. When I made WS sleep in another room, she took her purse with cell phone included! Imagine that - taking a purse to bed!

She in sleeping with the 5yr old in a small bed! Should get a little uncomfortable!

It is hard to plan A if you kick her out of the house.

Will sending her to work in another vehicle hinder her A? I would only cut finances if it will interfere with her A. I would not use it as punishment for having an A.

Always ask yourself what your motive is for doing something.

What you're doing Swade might feel good, but it doesn't look like any working marrigebuilding technique I have ever seen.

Calmly but firmly setting personal boundaries for the minimum behaviour you require of her while you are demonstrating what a good spouse you can be is the way to plan A.

Plan "swade p1ssing contest" doesn't work often IIRC.

Following your instinct isn't always your friend. Scratching poison oak feels good and is our instinct but it just makes it worse.

How did your wife treat you when you got busted? Is this payback time for you?

I assure you she treated me nowhere as nice as I am treating her now!

I ended up leaving the house for a couple of weeks!

So, (for Plan A) should I let her sleep next to me again?

She probably think I am somebody who will do nothing!

Exposure is going to start shortly with my first call.

Pio,

Should I just let her sleep in our master bed last night then to foster some carrot of plan A?

Thanks for the input help me understand something!

I can do the carrot part of A no problem, the stick part of A seem to be setting the boundaries.

For instance:

Is it reasonable to suggest:

1) she stop going to the gym along right now (for instance we could go walking together)

2) going shopping alone at anytime (I could go shop with her)

3) Still, she will not be open with cell phone, so should I cancel phone number and shut down phone (does not seem viable since she would get one in her OWN name to then keep exclusive viewing for).
Her cell phone bill is in my name so I get to see the bill when it arrives -- I lke this!

swade, I would expect that she is going to continue to see her OM until you do something to bust up this affair. Putting conditions on her will not change that.

What will change this is if you would ruin the affair. That means following through on your exposure plan WHEN YOU ARE RESTED AND CALM. Sitting down at the phone tomorrow and methodically and calmly calling all the ppl on your list, starting with the most key targets first.

But first things first, you need to find out if the OM is married and who is parents are. Call his house today, disguising your # with *67 and ask for MrsOM. If a woman comes to the phone, tell her who you are and inform her about the affair.m [first go to www.peoplefinder.com to see a spouses name comes up]

Go to www.peoplefinder.com and plug in the OM's name. See if you can get the name of a wife and his parents. You can often get some good matches here.

When you have your list of exposure targets made, write out your talking points. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage from this affair and ask for their advice. Ask for their moral support.

Call his employer and ask for the superintendent of schools over his area, along with the director of personnel. Inform them of an adulterous affair between one of their teachers and your wife. Ask them what they intend on doing about it. Ask them also how they think his students parent would feel if they knew their children were being taught by an adulterer. Many parents would want to know that their child's teacher had moral issues.

First of all, GET RESTED UP. As BobPure said, don't kick her out of bed. No lovebusters, swade. Tell her how very hurt and sickened you are with her behavior. But make no demands. And most of all, do not tell her you are going to expose and do not allow her to bait you into a fight.

Are her parents not in the picture? Are you leaving out any people who are key in her life? What about YOUR parents?

You mentioned her close friend. Is this a REAL friend or a dumb broad who will tell your wife "you have to do what makes you happy?" Sadly, female "friends" are notorious for supporting the AFFAIR instead of the person. Is she a real friend or a numnut?

ML,

My mother only is in the pictur on my fsmily side.

I am trying to find OM employer today to obtain contact info.

I will continue to love on my wife but I made my first exposure call this morning.

The friend she has is a pastor's wife who my WS respects GREATLY. Its funny my wife even mentioned (unsuspectingly) last week that it would hurt if THIS friend knew of A.

Check this out -- this morning I invited my wife to simply lay next to me and I calmly let her know this A was damamging and hurtful to me and OUR family.

I also suggested we spend time today going over HNHN 12 pg questionnaire to see the state of our emotional needs and how they are being met -- WS agreed!

I asked her what does OM provides that I do not -- WS replied, OM makes her feel safe!

She asked me a favor -- could we not discuss A (or possibly OM) again because it might maker her think of him over again! (I did not comply with this).

I then tried to educate her on why NC is important, to help her get through the withdrawal process. If NC is not achieved, the withdrawal stage remains.

Well, back to my call list!!!

Making that first call was really liberating (her brother and W). Incidentally, they too have experieced what my WS and I are currently experiencing!

Thanks ML

You are doing great, swade! Just keep making those calls.


Your mother should be on that list, swade. You need her moral support right now very much.

p.s. when your wife finds out you have exposed her, expect her to be furious and to make all manner of threats: "I was going to work on the marriage, but now I'm not," "I am going to file on Monday!" [it is always "going to," btw] blah, blah, blah, blah, yak and yoohaw. We have heard it all so don't let it scare you. It is just empty smoke designed to SCARE you into ceasing your affair busting activities. It will blow over so don't let it scare you.

Just tell her you love her and will do what it takes to save your marriage. Pat her on the head and tell her you are sure sorry she feels so bad. Then SMILE and leave the room. Don't allow her to bait you into a fight, whatever you do!

ML,

You are right -- I will call my mom in a minute!

I just called her most close contact -- her sister!

They are SO close! Her sister supports what I am trying to do to save our M -- I also assure her family that no LB action will be taking place -- I will do everything in LOVE.

The OM makes WS feel safe, yet she only knows what OM says to her. I will be doing background search on OM in a miute to get some facts on him!

By the way, does it serve any effective purpose to disclose to WS if I find OM lying to her about his situation (marital status, criminal history..etc.) or will WS see this as BS only attacking OM???

NOW....back to that call list!!!

ML -- appreciate your support!