Hi all,

I'm new here to my surprise I believe my DH of 2.5 years is having an affair. Here are the details. We met 5 years ago and had a whirl win romance and moved in together after 3 months and then married after 2 years. We were the best couple. We had some much fun together and so many shared interests it was the happiest time of my life. After our honeymoon I took on a new hobby in bodybuilding. I trained daily for hours and at first he trained with me until a year ago I switched to a private studio while he remained at our local gym. We both work a lot too and my job forces me to travel a lot. In the month of April I returned from a series of business trips and realized we weren't spending much time together. I started noticing he wouldn't come home after work he always had an excuse for going to friends houses because he was stressed from work. Easter weekend roled around and I sat him down and asked him what was bothering him and why he was mistreating me and never spending anytime at home. He told me the house was a mess and he hated being there. I didn't believe him it wasn't a mess. I dropped it and he left for work. I went by his work that day to drop off a tea to him and the plant was closed the whole weekend it was at that point I realized he had been lying all along. I approached him about it and he said he was at another plant and got very defensive. Again I dropped it. Later that week I was away for a trip when a friend told me about a women my DH would go to the gym with and that they were together everyday. When I questioned him he threatened me not to ruin his friendship or else... I even called the OW and she denied being anything other than friends. Finally the last week of April my DH took a weeks vacation. He was nowhere to be found and would not answer his cell phone. Friday April 27 (our 5 year anniversary) I went to the OW house and he was there I waited and they walked out together got in his truck and drove to a restaurant. I decided to calmly approach them. She stormed off and I walked up next to him. I asked what was going on he said he was having lunch with a friend and why couldn't I accept their friendship. I told him I wanted a divorce and I left. He said he would come home later that we needed to talk. That night he told me that his feelings for me had changed and that he had felt that way for over a year. He said he wanted to separate for awhile to figure out his feelings. I was devastated and eventually agreed to separate. We continued to live together in the same house. While he occupied the basement I was upstairs. When we are together it is like nothing ever happened. We even continued to have sex daily. He would continue to go to the gym with her everyday and I even caught him sleeping there a couple of times. After a month I couldn't take the pain of knowing when he was there so I moved out. Now we talk everyday mostly through text messages. We were fighting everyday until I stumbled upon the Plan A/B approach. I am trying plan A but the problem is I allow him to come to my place and sleep over and continue to be intimate with him. I'm sure I'm making a mistake in allowing this behaviour but I can't help but see my husband in him and it is so hard to hold back my feelings. He is still seeing his friend though I don't know how often anymore. Does anyone have any advise for me to save my marriage?

Being apart as much as the two of you seem to be apart is not good for any marriage. Is your job one you can change so you could spend more time at home?

If they two of you are not going to be able to be together, you might be better off to get out of the marriage.

I don't mean to just sound negative, but without being able to spend time together, you don't stand much chance even if he stops this affair.

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

The starting point is Plan A, which you seem to be attempting. It is all about showing him what a wonderful wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. You might spend some time cleaning up the place too, since that is something he complained about.

Also spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together is helpful.

Plan A includes exposing the affair - to her husband or family, and to your friends, your husband's family and your family. Often exposure will end the affair.

The OW is single so no exposure there but I did expose it to his family and friends but he denies it and is still seeing her. I'm working on Plan A and it seemed to be going good. I also joined a cooking class and told him about that so he sees I'm trying. He still wants to talk and see eachother once a week. Thats good right?

Finish your plan A improvements for you. Read SAA & HNHN. Secure your finances. work on building your personal support group. Call Steve H for some phone counseling and a plan.

Stop having sex with the WS. When a BS has sex with an active WS, this means you have having sex with all the OM's the OW had sex with. YUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Go get tested for STDs. He isn't worth having in your life as he currently is.

L.

M'd only 2.5 years and he's doing this?

Why do you want to remain M'd to him?

My opinion: Dump the cake-eating bum and move on. There ARE other guys out there that will treat you better than your current H is treating you. I suggest a permanent Plan B.