Thank you so much hopeandpray. I could use all the help I can get. my best friend is helping me with finding attorney and i will print what you found for me and ask a lot of questions when I speak to an attorney.

I just call ow cell phone and I am crying again. I saved the number when I found it on H's cell phone. I know I should not have done it but I need more answers and she told me yes he is HER man for 8 years and they are in love forever and then she hung up on me. I dont know why I call her. I feel so upset and mad. I keep wondering if she looks better than me and that's why he left. He told me before he left that I am a 7 and she is a 10 but that I am still cute but that he's not attracted to me anymore. Why do I want him back??/ I am so confused!

I am reading about plan a. i want to try it because at least i can say i tried everything. I saw other people with help ending the affairs. So should I call him and ask him to come home and then make him food he likes and have sf's with him? I am getting Anti Depressans from my doctor because my moods are changing fast. I feel so crazy. one moment I want him back and then I am crying and hate him. I rreally want to call ow back and curse at her but thats not going to help. I am afraid she is going to move in with H and then he'll never come back. Can someone help me figure out how to Plan A please?

D&A,

After reading your posts I totally agree that anti depressents will do wonders for you.

This guy DECEIVED you from BEFORE your marriage!! And they BOTH must be freaks if they proudly compare themselves to Charles and Camilla.

What is heartbreaking is the loss of your child bearing years. He stole this from you by postponing fertility. The man is EVIL and has no respect or feelings for you.

By calling you a 7 and her a 10 only confirms what a shallow selfish low-life he is.

Stop your sobbing and GET VERY ANGRY at this A-hole. DO NOT ACCEPT BEING THE VICTIM. Talk to the best pit bull of an attorney you can find.

Stay strong and get on those ADs, you will realize what a vile pond-scum this guy is when your emotions calm down.

EDITED to read:

""So should I call him and ask him to come home and then make him food he likes and have sf's with him? "" NO NO NO...DO THE ADs (Listen to yourself)

IMHO

kirk

D&A:

Please read some of my other posts around here.

I had an Affair that lasted 4.5 years.

I contemplated leaving early, but, OW wasn't quite good enough.

Your WH is SO Sure of himself....

Why did it take him 8 years to decide?

Please remember that. Something else changed to prompt this.

He could stay for another 10 years in the limbo status he had. OK?

BUt he decided to do something now. So.

Figure that out.

You just got knowledge of all this and the whole world is in a jumble.

We can help you sort it out and give you a Plan.

Plans that work.

Plans that describe all the things you are going thru.

Plans that describe all the things that WH is doing.

Are you ready to Plan up?

LG

You are right. I am just so upset about everything. I can't believe anyone could do this. I keep asking myself could I be the only one in the world this has ever happen to. I just wanted to be married and have kids and he walked over my dreams and is now leaving.

He called about half hour ago and said to never call ow again that I upset her and she doesnt need that.She must of called him and told him I called her and asked questions. I asked him what about me and how I feel and he says I should already know were finished. He said I was controlling and only care about having kids and not about him. He said I just want a sperm doner! I said I loved him and I wanted a husbadn who love me and wants kids with me like any notrmal person! I wanted to cry but I held back.He said he was coming to get the rest of his things out of the garage tomorrow. I don't want to see him because I will lose it and break down. I dont want to be a wimp I want to fight him and make him pay in court but I dont know if I can be that strong. I am still afraid ending it. Never thought I would be in situattion like this at almost 40 with no kids. Im just sad about ti all. He did fool me and lie all our marriage I am seeing that now. I thought he loved me. I think he just stayed because I made more money and now that he saves enough to leave and be with ow he is out the door.
I am left alone and he doesnt care. He never cared.

Thank you lousygolfer. I just dont know where tostart or what plan to try. he left already and has his own place so how do i plan A him? My sister says get attorney and divorce him. My mother thinks I lost my mind because i cry all the time. No one understands how it feels to know someone lied and married you while they have a girlfriend on the side. I dont think anyone knows how that feels.
I cant understand how he hid it so long I feel stupid for not knowing. With fertilty problems I feel even worse. so tired of crying.

Settle down and get a plan. It is very shocking right now. But you will be happy again, I promise. The affair will never last. It has gone on this long because it was an on and off thing, like a fantasy.

If you are completely miserable, see your doc for some anti-D's. They really help you get grounded.

I'd say clean out the bank accounts but I'm guessing he already has.

Do you own any property together?

Does he have retirement savings??

Do you have copies of all financial statements, including retirement savings??

Might they be in the garage with all his remaining stuff?

I know you are in shock, but having something to do might distract your attention for a few moments and it's practical. Get ALL information you can tonight. Be there tomorrow, if he comes, to make certain he doesn't take more than he should. If there is anything left of significant value...HOLD IT, as you MAY need it if he has absconded with marital assest and dissipated them already. Just claim it's lost...and you don't have any clue where it went...play dumb.

Hide any of your valuables too, in case he tries to go tit for tat on valuable things. Be prepared to call 911 if he goes nuts.

I, like others, think you should move on. Especially seeing how badly you want children. It would be irresponsible of you to reconcile with this man and conceive a child before you've fully recovered your marriage. That could take 2 years at the minimum. You can easily find another BETTER man in that time and conceive.

BTW, Waywards rewrite history. I think he married you because he loved you, however, he had this little honey, fantasy girl on the side. His backside booty call. Over the years, as your marraige progressed and fell into day to day drudgery, his thoughts and feelings for OW magnified. So what's a wayward to think? How does he justify just dumping you for her??? Of course, he HAS to rationalize and justify such decision...thus, he rewrites your marital history to indicate he NEVER loved you. I don't buy it. He IS a weak man of no moral character. He cheated on you for years..and then blames you for it. If you ask me...He's a 1 and you're likely the 10. I'll give OW a 1 1/2 because I doubt she's married.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I would certainly EXPOSE their adulterous relationship to everyone you can in a very non-vindictive manner. More like a "just thought you should know". You see...someday, after you dump this loser, his affair with OW will implode (typically within 2 years of EXPOSURE). At that time, WH MAY have an epiphany and may repent for his sins. He MAY call or write you to apologize...which, in my estimation, would be nice to hear as you have moved on, found a new DECENT LOVING man and have 2 wonderful little girls running around you calling you Mommy. Expose to EVERYONE...family and friends of WH AND OW. Business associates and bosses. Anyone that will listen. Go on a two week campaign and then STOP. End ALL contact with WH and begin to rebuild your own life. Allow your attorney to handle the divorce while YOU recover.

YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Thanks for reply. I will get AD's from my doctor. I have a appointment tomorrow morning. I will need those AD's because H is coming to get the rest of his things and I don;t want to be a complete mess.

Listen to what Mr. W said. He is an expert.

The AD's won't work right away. It will take about 21 days for them to kick in. Try to have a friend there with you.

Mr Wondering thank you. I have so much to think about and so much to do trying to figure it all out. He did take money from joint account but says its his from his checks. I always made much more money in working in sales for a large company. He has jump from job to job and spends all of his money, and sometimes no explanaation for where his check went. Now I know he was spending money on OW.I think he was hiding money too and saving it so he could leave. Over last few years he would blow up and get angry telling me I ask too many questions if I wanted to know where large amounts of money disappeared to. I will take your advice and find important financials papers. He has no retirement money as far as I know because he has always jump from job to job. He worked in the music business for awhile for a small independent record label but with no 401K plan or anything. He has even try to start his own business but it failed and I still supported him and this is how he repays me. He did not want to spend moeney on fertility treatment and said its a waste. I thought he might be hiding money because he didnt want to help pay for what insurance would not pay for. i did so much research because i want to ahve kids so bad but he kept blowing it off saying no. He didnt feel ready and just made me feel worse.
I do need to get things in order so I will take your advice about finding my financial paperes. We do have a home and a vacation home but both are in my name because he has very bad credit. I alwayss stuck by him and this is how he treats me.

Take care of YOU right now. All of this isn't over till it's over. Things change constantly. But you need to be your own advocate. He may even try to sweet talk you tomorrow if he is really afraid you are done.

If you can find ANY documentation of charge cards or bank statements showing withdrawals then that is good. Even really old ones may be worthwhile.

In court...monies he spent on OW should be charged against only him. You can use those records and make many implications demonstrating your entitlement to keep the vacation home and marital home that are already in your name. It appears, from what was posted above, that NY law is going to favor you. The judge will only need the slightest documentary evidence upon which to base his own decision on how best to stick it to your STBXH.

Besides...WAYWARDS hate publicity. He will likely walk away and just let you have it all in an effort to get it done quick. Your goal is to make every indication you are in it for the long haul, don't talk divorce or settlement of anything with him...leave it all to the lawyers. He'll be desparate to get it done, pay attorney's and avoid having to testify to what a jerk he is/was. If you have patience (or at least con him you are going to take the battle to the bitter end) he'll CAVE and give you everything so he can run off with his assoulmate.

Good luck...I'm happy to hear you have a good paying job. Having such safety net puts you way ahead of many others that arrive here in your situation. In a way...you are fortunate. Get on AD's and mind such job...you are going to need it.

Finally...stay away from MEN. Predators and men of weak character can smell a woman in distress. You will notice that you'll attract some attention as they will see your vulnerability. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Preserve and protect your own integrity. You'll likely be divorced soon enough. Recovery yourself first...then date.

Sorry to be so matter of fact.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you believer and mr. wondering.

I dont want to even think about getting involve with anyone. I need to protect myself and I dont think i can trust any man right now plus I am not divorce and never would do that. I appreciate your advice mr wondering. I feel a little calmer for right now but I know I will need AD's. I will have my sister with me tomorrow when he comes to clean his things out of garage. I hope it doesnt get to be a ugly scene. kind of scared but I will try to stay calm. thank you again for helping.

Don't let the bugger see you cry.

Stand resolute.

Maintain your dignity.

Cry later.

Later...perhaps awhile later, YOU will be happy you, at least, appeared strong. His choices are about HIM, not YOU. YOU didn't do anything wrong. The fact his affair occurred your entire marriage means you were never given a completely fair shot at meeting all his needs. Your inadequacies (everybodies got some) didn't play ANY part in his adultery. He robbed you of 8 years of your life living this LIE. No...He ain't worth a tear. I know you'll cry...but save it for later.

Same goes for anger, desparation, needing an explanation, needing answers, etc.. Remember this...waywards are liars...he's got NO real excuses, justification or rationalization for what he's done. If you ask for it...he's got a TON of bullcrap excuses, justifications and rationalizations to tell you. Such words will only hurt you further. They are all bullcrap.

If you can...you and sis should set his stuff outside the garage...close up the garage, close up the house and don't even interact with him. You see...if you give him ANYTHING like anger, bitterness, neediness, crying, etc...he'll actually just utilize it as a further justification for his wrong choices. Thus...give him nothing. After he leaves, prepare your exposure plan. No warning, no threats (a warning or threat just gives the Wayward the opportunity to minimize the damage, for example, telling his boss, parents, etc...that you've just had a nervous breakdown and not to believe anything you say). Instead...plan just one big tsunami of truth campaign without any forewarning.

W

I am making a exposure plan now. I will tell neighbors and my family knows. he doesnt have much family at all. Most of his are decease and his best friend knows. He is the jerk who said to me that H is never coming back! I can tell the people we know at church? His co workers are no help because he used to talk about how his boss dates a girl int he office and his boss is married! I will just make sure all of my friend know (most already do know). He has aunts in TX I can call them I guess?

I just feel down right now because he sent email to me this morning before I went to DR. appointment to get prescription for AD's. His email was very hostile to me. I don't know whay he is being so nasty about this since he is he is the one to cause so much pain for me. he said he was going to file for divorce. I am not prepare for this yet. Mys sister is here with me now and we put his things outside of the garage and waiting for him to come in about an hour now. I did not work today, just can't stop thinking how all of my plans and goals are all gone now. I have to get a lawyer and I am not ready. i know he has lied about so much for all these years and now i cant even think about when I will ever have kids. its so depressing.

Don't sweat the lawyer.

WH has to hire one, draft the documents, file it, have you served and then you have 14 to 30 days to simply file a response.

Relax. One day at a time. Your plans weren't God's plan. Be thankful you don't have a child with this man. You can wash your hands of him and move on unimpeded. HE is your Albatros.

Don't sweat the emails either. He'd LOVE for you to respond and give him further justification and rationalizations. Don't. Give him indifference. Give him a smug smile with an inference behind it saying "I know something you don't". That something being he is a FOOL. His relationship with OW is a adutlerous one and will NEVER work. In pursuit of "happiness" he's actually missing his best opportunity for it. NO MATTER WHERE HE GOES...THERE HE WILL BE.

Read up on withdrawal and Plan B. It will take a few weeks for your brain to handle not seeing WH or interacting with him. YOU are naturally somewhat addicted to him...so give yourself some time. Without a doubt...you will see, in time, you are SOOOO much better off today than you were just a few short weeks ago when you didn't actually know the entire truth about your life.

Mr. Wondering

D&A,


""Over last few years he would blow up and get angry telling me I ask too many questions if I wanted to know where large amounts of money disappeared to.""

Oh, BROTHER!! What a LOSER this guy is. You ask too many questions????? That's a new one.

This statement would lead one to believe that he WAS hiding money on you. Did he pay all the bills? How much is "large amounts"??

When my Dday occurred I went into detective mode and researched everything that applied checking cell phone bills, credit card charges, emails, etc.

You should start some investigations of your own.

It is very good that the homes are in your name! You should get very angry and keep it that way.

Of course he must lash out at you to justify his low-life actions

I really don't like this guy. And I usually like most everybody <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

kirk

He came to get his things. They were outside the garage like mr. wondering suggested to me to do. my sister was right there with me so he didnt say much he just picked up his things and put them in the back of his car. Then he turned aroud and said he will send me a email later and that its important. He asked me did I get the email earlier and I said I didnt read it, I had read it I just did not want to talk about divorce tonight. The email he sent earlier he said he was filing. I did not cry while he was here but now I am a mess again. I just read a second email from him and I am so sad right now I am angry too but it still hurts. This is the email he sent to me:

B,

I have not told you everything because I don't feel you will understand anyway. I am in love and I am 44 years old, I don't want to waste anymore time in a loveless marriage. I don't think I should stay in a marriage when I have true love with someone else. I found that love 8 years ago and I can't pretend that our life measures up to what I feel for K. I did try to stay married even though I knew I the wrong decision many years ago. You always wanted to control me and wear the pants. You never let me be me. I don't even think you realize how much you help run me away. Always wanting everything perfect, always wanting everything your way. You didn't make me happy and I didn't make you happy either. I think you should know K is not responsible for this. She was just as hurt by this as you are. It's not her fault. Do NOT call her anymore. She is under a lot of stress. I asked you not to call her yesterday but I want to make sure you understand. This IS NOT HER FAULT. Our marriage failed because of you and me. I have always loved K even before we married. You don't understand and you may never understand this kind of love. I do want a divorce but I could not talk about it in front of your sister because she is too nosy. I want to talk about settlements and starting the divorce process. If you don't cooperate I will file anyway. Don't make this more difficult than it has to be.


R