First I want to say, thanks everyone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Pepperband,
Yes, I did emotionally abandon my marriage. I hit a roadblock concerning our sexual incompatibilities, gave up on solving the problem and turned elsewhere.I told myself it was just sex and wouldn't affect my marriage or hurt him as long as I didn't get caught. And yes I know how crazy that sounds NOW but that's what I was thinking at the time. (Why not divorce instead of cheating? Partly because of the kids, partly because I love him, partly because I didn't want to hurt him and partly because divorcing someone over sexual problems seems so shallow.)
Owl,
Can't afford counseling, but maybe when my husband gets his new job we can. They have it free here but only during fall and spring semesters of the university. (The counselors are mostly supervised students.)
Owl and ForeverHers,
I'll get back to you on the research, and if there's an url I'll post it.
ForeverHers,
If you seriously think that he might attempt suicide, then you MUST NOT reveal the affairs to him on your own. You MUST do so with the aid of a competent counselor.
Has there been any indication of such a depressive state in him before? Has he attempted suicide before?
That's a good idea. We'll see if there is any free counseling where we'll live next. Wherever that will be. He still needs to find a new job. If it becomes necessary, I do have a best friend (woman) in the town where he's staying who could be there when I tell him, although
maybe he wouldn't like that. I'll have to find out what my options are when the time comes.
Although he's never been diagnosed, it is my opinion that he gets depressed every time it's time for him to look for a new job, or anytime there is a major financial crisis. It does not seem to happen at any other time, even when his parents died. I mean he grieved, sure, but the symptoms were not the same. I keep telling him that medication will make him feel so much better but he keeps saying "I'm depressed but not clinically depressed; I just need a job." He did tell me recently that he sometimes feels suicidal because the job situation seems "hopeless." But he is always pessimistic about job searches.
He hasn't ever attempted suicide that I know of. Not unless there was some incident in his past he didn't tell me about, but I don't think there is. He did mention a "nervous breakdown" that had something to do with problems with his ex-wife but I don't remember exactly.
As for delaying, I'm really more the sort of person who likes to get it over with. This business of having to wait is not pleasant for me at all. The sooner I tell him, the sooner I can actually *DO* something to help him recover, but I don't want to make things even worse by being impatient. Early in our marriage I made that mistake often by bringing stuff up when he wasn't ready to hear it and wanting to "resolve" stuff quickly and not giving him a much needed time out. I eventually learned to handle things differently.
MrsWondering,
Yeah plans to protect my weaknesses are a good idea. If an OM contacts me I'll say I can't talk..if I'm pressed I'll say I'm working on my marriage and I don't want him to contact me anymore.
If someone new flirts with me...I guess I can pretend I didn't notice. In the case of a double entendre,
pretend I didn't get the joke. Of course it depends on what we mean by flirt...something really overt might require an "I'm not interested." (I think that is better than "I'm married" because many men just do not care about that, plus it usually means "I'm tempted but..." because otherwise
a woman would just say she's not interested.) If I'm really not interested, then there is no problem anyway.
If he's attractive to me, I should tell my husband about it because once he knows, I'm far less likely to do something stupid. In fact, I can't even imagine messing around with someone my husband already considers suspect. That's way stupid.
Just in general I shouldn't put myself in situations where I might be tempted. In the rare event I leave the house during an argument I will NOT go to a bar.
And I should think of new ideas to solve our sexual incompibility problems, which I have but of course I can't share them with him now because he's so focused on the job search he doesn't want to hear about it. But eventually we'll get to talk about it. This one's tricky because it requires his cooperation. And I"m guessing it's not a topic anyone here would be comfortable with, but if that's the case it's okay...I'll get some books or something.
And yes, I'll let him decide whether he wants to read my posts or let me read his.
