What's the difference between an Exit A and an A? I never understood that?

I exposed as my wife was moved out into a motel for a few days pending flying away to live with OM. She had no intention of recovering our marriage at that time. I reached out to all of our family, and many of our friends in a typical plan A manner...asking for their help in talking with my wife and convincing her to stop and THINK about what she was doing. I made it clear that I loved her and I wanted our marriage to work, and that it was HER choice to leave.

Her affair began to crumble the day she was supposed to get on the plane to go live with OM. I showed up at her motel that morning and we sat down and talked...REALLY talked for the first time since d-day a week earlier. She moved out on d-day, mind you. We talked about what the future would be like if she got on that plane. I made it clear that up to that point, I considered our marriage recovereable. But once she got on the plane, there would be NO relationship at all between us. I was very clear, and very uncompromising. I would never again, in ANY fashion, be a part of her life again. Not for children's life events, not as a friend...NOTHING whatsoever.

That shocked her. She had this picture of us all being some kind of huge friendly, extended family kinda thing. Reality began to sink in. And right at that moment...OM called. He could tell she was starting to have a doubt...and that p*$$ed him off. He got angry, told her to just forget about it and don't come to him, and hung up on her. I'm sure he expected her to call back and work it out. But instead, she broke down emotionally, cried for hours, and took it that he didn't want her anymore. She didn't get on the plane that night.

It was nearly a month later before she made the choice to reconcile. During that time, she waffled back and forth in what she wanted to do, went through the normal withdrawl, broke NC several times and lied to our MC about it each week, but I put her on the carpet about it each time. She began working on a plan for seperation between us, and I (foolishly) started working with her down that path. That came to a halt when she informed me that the only lease she could get on apartment was for a year. She was ok with that...but I wasn't. I told her that if she planned on being seperated for a year, then lets file for divorce because I wasn't willing to put my life on hold for that long. Again, a rough intrusion of reality into her affair fantasy world.

Now, lets look at the flipside of things. We're now 3 years recovered, and things are great between us. Life now is MUCH different than it was back in that time frame. She can't believe that she was that close to throwing it all away. She's soooo grateful that we worked through things.

Just stick to plan A. While I'd never heard of MB, what I did was nearly perfect to the MB plans.

That's what WW was thinking here as well. We'd all just get over our hurt feelings, act like grown ups, and be happy that they've found happiness. Now that enough people have told her that's just another fairy tale I think she's starting to understand.

We WON'T be friends. The kids WON'T get over it. Her family WON'T understand and approve. Ever. If we end up divorced people are going consider her stupid, selfish, and responsible for the destruction of two families. There won't be any get togethers where everyone becomes friends.

Ugh. I managed to eat a little lunch, but now I feel like I'm going to throw up.

My wife's exit affair didn't work either. She did come back and we are recovered.

Waywards always paint a pretty picture of the divorcescape. It is so predictable and pathetic.

Hang in there....

Jethro,
I know it seems impossible right now. Be patient. Give it more time. Listen to Owl. That's really good advice you got there. Don't shout, don't go crazy, don't fan the flames. Perservere--for your children's sake.

That's how it's been for the last week. That part has gone so well she feels comfortable calling and chatting. She's giving updates on her day like nothing has happened. I guess it's unrealistic to expect dramatic changes, but I can only be nice for so long.

I was a little upset today to learn that on Saturday night, while she was at her friend's house, she spent the better part of the evening chatting online with OM. Her friend was gracious enough to let her use a computer to do it. That friend is the only one she has right now, simply because she's a "you have to do what makes you happy" type, not a "what in the world is wrong with you" type.

Oh well. She is out of town until Wed. evening, then I leave early Thursday and won't return until Friday night. I might stay through the weekend with a friend.

Obviously, the ~friend~ is no friend to the marriage. You need to solicit help from friends who have been through this, and the marriage was salvaged.

Next session is Wed. 7 p.m.

I'm not sure telling more people will help. Right now everyone who knows falls into one of two groups. The people who disapprove and therefore are no longer spoken to, and the people (well, ONE person) who doesn't.

keep looking for someone.

If you have any suggestions I'm all ears. Problem is none of those people are close friends of hers. Most are people I know or just casual acquaintences through school.

I'll look into that, but there is a potential problem I'll tell you about privately.

Keep looking at those in-laws. Ask them if there is a favorite relative of hers or old family friend who might help out. What about anyone who stood up at your wedding? People who stand up at the wedding are supposed to support the marriage. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but still, it's worth a shot.

Update:

After five or more days of relative pleasantness and chattiness from the WW I got the real freeze this morning. She was supposed to call last night (she's on a business trip) but didn't, so this morning I left her a "Just checking in, didn't hear from you, hope everything is okay" message.

She called me 20 minutes later and had nothing but one word answers for me. Conversation went like this:

"Hey, I didn't hear from you, wanted to make sure everything is okay."

"I said I MIGHT call. I didn't say I would call."

"Is everything okay?"

"Fine."

"You sound a little upset."

"I'm FINE."

"Okay. How did everything go last night?" (she had an important meeting that she was telling me all about yesterday)

"Fine."

"Okay. Well the kids are fine, there's nothing really new here."

"Okay. I'll call you later."

Whatever. I can't help but speculate that there is some fallout from HR. Something's up, and she's clearly not willing to discuss it with me.

I hate to think her fantasy world has suffered another reality shock.

If I were you, I would stop asking those little questions. It's a subtle thing but a) you already know the answer (no, it's not and I'm absolutely pissed respectively) and b) you sound nosey.

The fewer questions you ask, the more nervous she will be. She'll be thinking to herself "I wonder if he knows something" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

You really need to get your head game toughened up.

It could be the fallout from HR. Its also very likely to be resumed contact with OM. If you look at her phone records, my money says you'll either find out that she spent hours on the phone with him last night, or that he somehow met up with her physically where she's at.

You'll see these sudden flips in her personality all the time when she's had extensive contact with OM. It'll get to a point where you can tell she's had contact simply by her attitude when she's around you.

Remember what I said about her reaction to the HR thing...batten down, keep low, don't yell, don't apologize, and parrot back anything that seems important to you.

Post deleted by Jethro99

WW has gone silent on me. She's due back from her trip this evening. I could be in for some fun tonight.

Appt. with MC is this afternoon. Looks like it will be just me on the call.

I'm dealing with a bit of "out of sight, out of mind" here. When she's away I'm MUCH more inclined to want to throw up my hands and say the heck with it.

Well, I hate to say it to you...

Do you have any PROOF that OM didn't go on this trip? Anyway to find out for sure if he's been in the office during this time or not?

It really does sound to me like she spent this trip WITH him, in some fashion. Either she was in constant IM/phone contact, or she was with him physically. That seems the most likely reason for her silence.

How do you know the HR card 'fell through'?

Post deleted by Jethro99

Call HR back and ask them what they're doing...how they're resolving/handling the situation.