I have been on and off of this site for the past six years and it looks like I will be here again for a while.

A little background

I have been married to my wife for 12 years and our anniversary was last week. Neither of us said a word to each other all day. We have been together for 17 years. We have two daughters - 18 and 9. I am the step father of the 18 year old but by all accounts I am her father and the term step dad is never used. I love her and she loves me just like we were biological. My daughter and I have had our ups and downs but this time I don't think she has anything to do with the current situation between wife and I.

Things have been going down hill for the last few months. Fighting over everything, arguing over the smallest things, at this point we barely speak unless absolutely necessary. My wife works niights as an RN, and I work a M-F 8-5. My wife went out the last two nights and stayed out until 3:30AM each night. She says she went out with friends from work. I believe most of it but I firmly believe there is more going on. I think there is something between her and another coworker. I have not confirmed anything yet.

We have been to a counsellor in the past but it has been several years and this last stretch we have not even talked enough to consider it. She is content with not getting along and coexistance. I am not. At this point, I love her but do not want to be miserable any longer.

I realize the above history is very brief but I really need some help deciding what to do next with things and I am looking for some help.

What should I do about confronting her about the coworker or should I confront her? It is hard because we have family coming to visit for the next few weeks.

I am usually in pretty good control and know what to do but this time I am at a loss. I really do not have the strength to fight for our marriage alone. I know it is worth it but do not have the strength. I want the next two weeks to pass without incident and then take our 9 year old daughter and move out. I will not leave without her. Again, is this the right choice or not.

If my wife is in fact having an affair then I will leave for certain and take my youngest with me. There are some very strong and tolerant people on this forum but I just don't think I could be one of them to forgive her.


Any help and words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

I'd say your W is quite likely having an A. It certainly sounds like she's checked out of your M.



Gather evidence of the A, or hire someone to do it for you. Look for the "Spying 101" thread - that will give some ideas about how to go about gathering evidence of the A, if there's actually one going on.



Looks like you've made your choice already. I say gather your evidence, then confront your W. Certainly let her know how you feel about the M at the moment.

Snoop, gather evidence, and when you have the goods, expose to everyone in a position to put pressure on the affair including her employer. It would be good if you could get a PI watching her when she goes out and have the goods by the time her family comes so you can expose to them.

Long term, you need to change your schedules so you see more of each other because this arrangement is not allowing you to meet each other's ENs.

Short term, you need to get to the bottom of this RIGHT AWAY before your WW gets in deeper.

I am a little confused because now she is being really nice to me. It will be difficult to talk to her over the next couple of weeks about all of this and she will also not have time to talk with coworker given that we have a lot of family visiting and staying with us right now.

I am following her email and phone patterns. There has been nothing the last two days. I am also looking for other signs but at this point other than going out late two nights in a row, I am not sure what to make of the current situation.

As far as our schedule we have had the same one for 10 years and it works out well for the most part. The main reason we have it the way it is is so that we always have someone home with our kids.

I will continue to gather information and keep a close track but we still have lots of issues to deal with. I am just not sure I have the energy to do it alone.

Thanks

Yeah, it works out well for watching your kids but not if someone else is screwing your wife because she's developed an emotional attachment to that person because she is never alone with you. Priorities, man. You need 15 hours a week of just you and her time, not you and her and the kids. Otherwise, she will naturally develop more of an emotional attachment to the guy she hangs out with all day at work and goes to lunch together with instead of you who just helps her watch the kids.

Very good point. It is very true that when we do spend time together and take the time that both our emotional needs are met (with each other).

I am still trying to get to the bottom of what is really going on. Looking back at the communication between her and coworker it is not that frequent but the odd hours are what really concerns me.

If I was to confront her without proof, what is the best approach? I do not want to be too accusatory and really screw things up if my suspcions are false. At the same time I don't want to be too ignorant if there is something going on. The question at this point is what and how should I approach her or should I wait until I have more definitive proof?

Thanks

I would quickly do whatever it took to get proof now. If you confront without proof, she'll just deny, and then do a better job of cotinuing the A without getting caught. You don't want to just let this go on forever until you get proof, so you spy like crazy to get your proof and then confront (without telling her your proof), and when she continues the A, you use exposure as your weapon to kill the A.

You mention that you would leave and take your youngest with you. This implies that you have other children. I would not encourage you to leave the home. Can you tell us how old your children are?
Lake

She went out again last night. We had it out this morning due to the events of last night.

She adamantly denies any affair and she is just feeling more comfortable with her friends than being at home right now. We agreed to talk once all of the family leaves and she has a break from her work schedule. We agreed that we have many issues to deal with and at this initial discussion we will start discussions on whether or not we will try and work things out or separate.

At this point, I told her that I could go either way I just want to be happy and cannot be happy by continuing on with the way things are.

I do believe that it has not turned to a PA at this point but could be on the verge of an EA. Judging be our discussion this morning, it is just a friendship. I am OK with a friendship with a male as long as she keeps me informed and no secrets.

I hope I am not being gullible and am reading the situation correctly.

Thanks

Trust me when I say if she is fighting you on this it is more than friendship. That is how my husband lied to me and our MC - it was just a friendship, he was just helping her, there was nothing physical. My friend it was a HUGE lie. When I found the emails I literally vomitted right then and there because of how foolish I was. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it isn't a mouse. You have to anyway you can get some kind of proof - I know PI's are expensive so I did it myself. Luckily I am very computer savy and hacked all of his emails and bank accounts and found all I needed. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I tell you what he doesn't question my abilities anymore. Be strong - take charge of the situation and do not take back seat to a "friendship" you deserve love, attention and happiness.