My H knows every single detail about my A. There is no hiding there never was. I told him EVERYTHING.

Five things that I need to change or that WE need to change?

Tonight I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place. Here goes.

We are having a birthday party tomorrow at 2pm for our 2 year old daughter. In preparation for this party, I asked (not told) my H to clean up the clippings (grass & twigs) from the back yard. Well bottom line is it's not done. The patio set hasn't been cleaned either.

Normally it would be like me to get really pissed. I held my tongue and asked him "softly" was there a reason he didn't do what WE agreed to. As always, the answer was no.

I am still praying to GOD to help fix ME. However, I am still tired of working all day to come home to chores that I need to get done because he decided to plant himself in front of the TV all day.

I know, I know, I am the one who had the A. I made the MOST TERRIBLE mistake of my life by entering into that darkness that I now have to live with every single day.

My question and I am begging you all to respond. Where do we draw the line? Because I had an A, does that mean that I shouldn't expect him to do what HE promised when we agreed that he'd work at night and raise our two daughters?

Is is acceptable for a 4 and 2 year old to watch TV every day for hours on end?

Is it acceptable that he takes no responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage?

Is it acceptable for me to have to remind him to call HIS therapist because he hasn't been in a month? (Past behavior - if I don't ask if he's got an appointment coming up, he doesn't go).

Is it acceptable for my H to ruin MY credit because his is beyond tarnsished?

Is it acceptable for me to look for jobs in the paper, on-line, do his resume and cover letters, when he does NOTHING?

I am NOT making excuses for my past. I feel here at MB I am being judged solely on my A and not on who I have always been. My H has been so loved by me. I love helping and guiding him, but when does all of this become part of his responsibility?

The passion in our marriage was long gone way before my A.

I am hurt tonight, because I feel that I am not heard, loved, appreciated.

I would love to hear a plan on what I need to do, if there is anything I can do.

Thank you for reading this post and know that I am sitting here patiently waiting on your replies.

For now sucking up is hard. Yes..... IMHO, this is a small thing. Go rake the yard and clean the patio if it is that important to you. Evidently it isn't as important to him.

Have your party....be all smiles.

Later, much later when you get to relax, go read HNHN again.

There's something u r missing in your communication skills with your H. Once that's identified and rectified, then future issues will show up in his court and not yours.

take care,
L.

Orchid - nice advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to address my concerns.

Yes, that is the entire point that WE are missing something when it comes to communication in our marriage.

I'm sorry, I thought that is what this website was about. To get some advise on questions. It seems you'd rather continue being a biter BS, then to help.

I am done here.

Well, I am gonna go against the flow. I read what you said, and I see you married to a lazy bum, if what you say is true and I have no reason to doubt you. HNHN is a two way street. Just because you have the A on your forehead does not make you less of a human or less in need of a partner who will do their part in a relationship.

Most men would wake up and smell the roses if they wanted to continue to have a relationship with a WW. Those who are basically lazy bums will use the A as an excuse to do even less as a contribution to the family good.

What he is doing has no relationship to your adultery, none whatsoever. You have children. He is jointly responsible for those kids. If he chooses to not act like a dad, then you have a logical complaint.

Roast him on one side and when that side is done, turn him over on his sofa and roast the other.

Get a job, work the job, bring the money home.
Help me with the house and yard.
Help me with the children, they are yours too.
I am not your mama. Clean up after your own [censored].
Grow up or get out.

I am not a big fan of entitlement guys who wanna sit on their [censored] and think their women are gonna do all the heavy lifting in the house and in the relationship.

Larry

WW,

You misunderstand. I am not bitter. I am really trying to help. If you think raking leaves and cleaning the patio is hard, we had t/d the same and didn't have the A as a guilt trip.

What I am saying is for now suck it up and do what is important to you. Realize it isn't important to him and he isn't going to give it the same priority as you.

Reading that book will help you a lot. If you can't see the forest for the trees, then well, may be I am limited in how to help and for that I wish you well.

L.

Orchid:

If only one reads the book, it is worthless in terms of the relationship but possibly valuable if and when she gives the boot to him and finds someone else. Taking care of his emotional needs is not going to get him off the sofa and his head out of the TV and working on the things that need to be done for the family. Or maybe that is what is not important to him; family.

Right is right and wrong is nobody.

Larry

You MUST be kidding...Orchid gave you WONDERFUL advice about YOU...YOU are the one who is here...No one here can MAKE your husband do anything, just as you cannot...The only person YOU can change is YOU...I think it is GREAT that you have not flown off the handle with him as that is you making changes in yourself-you decided not to lovebust and that is to be commended-keep THAT up...Change takes a while...

Has he read HNHN? Have you both done the EN questionnaire from this site? What are his top ENs? Are you meeting those in the way that he said that he likes them met? It is your job to focus on doing that...

I'm sorry, I have not read other posts by you...How long ago was your affair? How is your husband doing in his healing where that is concerned...

I think that you are being hasty in your departure from MB...This is a WONDERFUL place and I am a FWW, so I'm speaking from your side of the fence so to speak...

Mrs. W

That was very much uncalled for.

I read the frustration in your posts, but taking it out on someone who was genuinely trying to help you will not foster a flurry of members wanting to support you, quite the opposite.

You seem to want to fix problems in a heartbeat that have clearly been in the marriage for quite some time. That is not a reasonable expectation, and I believe you know that.

Having the affair was not the wake-up call to your husband you were hoping for, was it? Well thats because it only added to the problems. Now you have that baggage atop the issues that were there in the first place.

If you're in this for the duration and really committed to making your marriage work, its going to take time. LOTS of time and work on both your parts. There is no quick fix. And someone has to start the work. Is that you???

Jo

Larry is wisewoman another one of your WI converts?

Mrs. W

Huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have seen laziness, depression, anger, resentment from both sides of the A fence. I am not saying it is right, I am saying if the clean yard and patio are important to her, go do it. It may or may not send a message to him but right now if it needs to be done in time for that party, her whining her isn't going to get it done and we certainly can't push him t/d it. So she has to take care of things 1st then work on the bigger stuff (his non-helping issues) later.

What part of this am I NOT getting? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

L.

Lets hope she's working off some of that steam and will be back.

Jo

Mrs Wondering,

As a FWW, I have a question I would like for you to answer on my thread (Plan A...Line Drawn???) when you have a moment.

I am trying to get a possible perspective for my current WW.

Thanks!

Again, sorry for lashing out, but I am at my wits end.

HNHNs I read it the day I ordered it. H? Begged him to read it, you guess the outcome of that.

His therapist suggested a couple of books for him to read. Even gave him 2, to read....yep, collecting dust for the past 2 months.

Affair aside.....I am a good person and so is my H. However, he has issues that i have tried ENDLESSLY to help him with to no avail.

I even switched therapists 3 times....the ones who told me, "get out now, run don't walk, he will take everything from you"...I still had hope, but hope fades and reality sets in.

Funny thing, I've answered my own question.

The questionnairs....YES i filled mine out, H's????? Can't tell you where they are.

Our fist therapist had us right down on paper about 100 adjectives....his homework was to pick one of those words each day and start a sentence by saying..."I feel....(then the word, and explain why he felt that way)....MY homework was to stay silent...well day three passed and no "I feel" so I opened my BIG mouth and asked him why he didn't pick a word..."I don't know"....

I'm sorry but I have worked on this marriage since the beginning, yes I had a MAJOR fall with my A, but I've been back on track.

WW:

SOrry you have to be here.

You claim that your H needs to start working on your M.

But he ain't here.

What do you want to do?

LG

I have made a decision and that is to leave my marriage. I am sleeping on it tonight.

What I don't think people here understand is that my H was like this BEFORE my A....he's always been like this. And for those of you who say "people don't change"...BS. I used to be lazy, irresponsible all of those things. I had a boyfriend of 2 years who died of cancer...on his death bed he asked for me. At the time, I didn't know his cancer was so near the end. I didn't know he was in the hospital, so I never got to say good bye. My VERY judgemental mother, who was aweful to me during that time, said about a year later, "Donna, I am so proud of the woman that you have become - you have come 180 degrees around".

Why? Because I realized how short life is....it was like I matured overnight.....

I wish I never had my A.....but to have a H who doesn't even care?

WW, when did your affair end? And when did you tell your H about it? How has his recovery gone?

Orchid:

You focused on the small issue, she needed help with the bigger one. I haven't a clue if he is the way he is or if she is making it all up. I don't think she is making it all up, it rings true, but at the end of the day, I don't know because I am not there.

But if she is accurately presenting him as he is, then he is a loser and she needs to bail. There are two kids depending on someone to care for them and about them. He doesn't seem to fit that picture. That is my take.

Larry

WW:

About this:

"What I don't think people here understand is that my H was like this BEFORE my A....he's always been like this"

That might be true.

But I will modify my earlier question slightly:

What do you want us to do?

I can't get your H to change. [email]D@mn[/email] if you haven't tried.

He might be the laziest guy in the world. No reason to change.

And Divorcing might be your best option.

But you came here. To try and save it.

What are your most important Emotional Needs?

What attacted you to your H in the first place?

My W could have told you that we would have had a much better M if *I* just got with the program.

Never happened.

Then one day she found this site and told me about it. And the rest is history.

What do you want us to do?

LG

From Penalty Kill

WW, it seems that there are a couple of distinct issues here. The first is your A and its aftermath. Does your H talk about your A and how it has affected him? Do you listen when he speaks? Do you validate his concerns?

The second issue is the fact that your H is acting like a lazy @ss who would rather watch tv than do simple chores, and who would rather let his children's brains rot than give them activity. (A four year old would love to help Dad clean the patio and pick up sticks in the yard) Your A does not give your H the right to be a sloth, although it is possible that he has decided that it does.

With regard to your A, praying to G-d to fix you isn't going to help much. Reciting the serenity prayer might be a better idea. One of the things that you must accept that you cannot change is your H.

That being said, you can have the courage to change some other things:

I suggest getting rid of cable tv immediately. Gives your H less to watch, so that the idiot box is less appealing. Children are harmed by excess television, so it benefits them as well.

I have forgotten: Is your H a drug user? Even recreationally? When I hear about excess tv watching, bad credit, lack of initiative, I immediately think drugs, one kind in particular. Perhaps I am overly attuned, so correct me if I am wrong.

Penalty Kill