My WW finally showed some remorse yesterday when she told me that she is sorry for what happened and realized it was a mistake. She says she will start helping me heal and is willing to work on our relationship with me.

My question is, what should I expect from her? I thought about putting my thoughts in writing about what type of things I would like her to start doing. One thought was I was going to take the letter "What the WS/BS Must do to Reconcile" in The Healing Library at www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp, edit and rewrite it so it's addressed to her and give it to her attached to my letter. I really like this article, it makes a lot of sense to me. Would that seem like I am demanding something? I know something interpreted as a demand can be counterproductive. Or should I just wait for her to continue to come out of the fog and see what she will do? I'm guess I'm asking for advice on how to approach this with her, how to ask for what I believe I need.

In all the things I have read, there is a variety of opinions on what should be done by the WS. I just read "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. In it, he doesn't spend much time if any on the WS helping the BS heal, its mostly about both working together on the relationship, ENs, and all that. I am fully committed to do that, but it seems like more has to happen, especially at the initial R stages.

Other books such as "Not Just Friends" takes a middle of the road approach, briefly addressing what the WS needs to do for the BS in addition to working on R. The other extreme seems to be the article I mentioned in The Healing Library, which as a BS really speaks to me. I have gave her the download book "After the Affair", which she is reading.

My intention is not to be demanding, my position is such that after a 3+ year LTA I need to hear and see certain things. I think I will be resentful if I don't get some of these things at some point.

Thank you for reading.

If you think she will start helping you heal anytime soon, you are in for a big disappointment. It will take AT LEAST 6 months for her to get through withdrawal and heal HERSELF before she can even begin to think about you. I would suggest getting some IC for her AND you if you need help. Affairs usually take 2 years to heal from, but an LTA could take even longer. I would recommend counseling from the Harley's to help speed up the process, but it will take a long time regardless. I wish you the best of luck.

A betrayed spouse should expect true unmitigated remorse and empathy from a wayward spouse. Nothing less.

I completely agree. However, I wouldn't expect in a timeframe of less than 6 months to 2 years. In the meantime, a BS needs to find a way to cope.

Hi RIL, here is the link to Dr. Harley's rules for the recovery of a marriage after an affair. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

You will find that the bulk of the work will revolve around meeting emotional needs. This will help the marriage recover AND affair proof the marriage. There are other things, though, as you have sensed, and Dr. Harley covers those in this article.

The most important first step is NO CONTACT FOR LIFE between your W and her affair partner. Without that critical step, there is no recovery.

Here is what Dr. Harley believes about forgiveness, and it is one of the most compelling, common sense views I have read on the subject. He believes in JUST COMPENSATION:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Dr. Harley's video about adultery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

If your wife is serious about reconciling...I would highly recommend that you call the Harley's to negotiate your recovery.

As Steve put it to me - giving a list of requirements to my husband was really giving my husband a list of selfish demands.

He told me that it was his job as a marriage coach to make the demands for me, that he would guide my husband on what he needed to do for me. My job in recovery was to follow Steve's instructions - which was truely more about avoiding love busters and hanging in there through withdrawal.

It turned out that at the time, my husband was not serious...and we ended up headed to divorce court. BUT a few months later, my husband really had a change of heart, and because of his previous discussions with Steve, he knew exactly what he had to do.

I would really recommend that you do the same - emotions run so high on both sides, and Steve Harley is good at reading the situation and giving great guideance.

I wouldn't want to attempt recovery without at least some basic direction from him.

Great article. Thanks Mel. I esp like the below:

RIL, Rosie is right, the worst thing you can do is make demands. That will put her in defense mode. The main issue for her is a belief that she can get from her marriage what she got from her affair. Steve Harley can be invaluable in this regard by a) teaching you how to meet her needs and b) convincing her that it is possible for her to fall in love with you. <----this is a the critical issue her for her, it sounds like.

But as I stated earlier, the FIRST step before all has to be NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. Has that happened?

And did you follow through and inform the OMW?

don't accept the 6 month to 2 year time frame for the things listed here. That is irrational IMO. The person that wrote this is very helpfult o many here and believes what he is saying. My take is that your W needs to demonstrate these basics before you invest too much of yourself into recovery or before you committ a huge block of time to recovery. Jim has done a great job getting his M into recovery...but the route he took would not be for everyone.

I took the best route out of a bunch of crappy alternatives. Sure, I could demand that my WW answer all of my questions and show me true remorse, but she would just lock herself in her bedroom and cry instead of talk to me, so what good would that do? Some WWs are different than others. My WW had many issues before the A that we are just starting to address now.

Now, RILww, for your situation, I wouldn't believe for a second that it is over yet. This is a several year long affair, and they rarely go away that quietly. I think that she's going to have to get through withdrawal first before any recovery can begin. I believe that she WILL try and take this further underground and contact OM. Your mentions of another "secret" email account in the recovery forum leads me to believe this is the case. You must stay vigilant and ensure NC. If you keep meeting her ENs, avoid LBs, AND ensure there is NC, then I think you will start to see progress once withdrawal is over in the next 3-6 months. Don't think that your situation is hopeless if you don't start seeing positive results right away. However, if there is a breach of NC, I would definitely advocate forcing her out of the house and plan B. LTAs are hard to break without plan B.

Thank you for all for your thoughtful comments.

I have read all of the links you provided. I have also read quite a bit on this website and have read two of Steve Harley's books, His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair, so I do understand meeting emotional needs and I am eager to apply these principles.

Jim,

I have read your story and your initial thread and I am amazed at your patience in your situation. I honestly don't think I would have been as patient and understanding as you have been. I question whether I have the emotional energy to wait for her for 6 months to 2 years for her to stop wallowing in her own depression, it seems somewhat selfish to me. I do understand what she is going through, but at some point it seems like the WS has to push themselves beyond their feelings to accomplish a greater good, and 6 months seems way too long to wait for that to happen.

BrambleRose:

I have heard many recommendations on this site about Steve Harley's telephone sessions, I plan on suggesting that to my wife soon.

MelodyLane:

As I mentioned before, I have read Steve Harley's books and understand the EN and Love Bank concept. The NC visit was just over three weeks ago, it was a 3-hour visit. WW was very emphatic about letting the OM down gently, so three of these visits occurred after DD. But the PA part of the affair stopped before DD. I'm fairly sure she has honored NC, but I know it's still early. I continue to monitor her computer and I am planning on getting a phone call recorder and some voice-activated recorders to monitor her for while. She has only used the second secret account once in the last two weeks, so I don't know what to make of it. I'm thinking she forwarded some of the emails from the first secret email account to keep them for some reason. I did not contact OMW, again WW was very protective of OM when I brought it up. The justification from WW was "their marriage is none of our concern, we have no right to interfere", "they will probably just get a divorce, so that will make OM more open to getting back together with me". I made the point that OM felt pretty free to mess around with my marriage, which got no response from my wife. WW is trying to protect OM, which I know is a red flag. I do feel OMW needs to know for her own sake and to monitor him from her end. I reluctantly agreed to not contacting OMW with the provision that I will contact her if OM contacts my wife again in the future. Unfortunately this was not communicated to OM before NC. With what I know now there are a lot of things I would have done differently, handling NC and contacting OMW are definitely two of those things. I have been learning as I go, and hindsight is golden as they say. What does Steve Harley say about contacting the OMW?

Regarding the compensation issue, if I understand what I am reading compensation should basically be agreeing to iron-clad NC, helping put barriers in place to prevent NC from being broken, and both spouses agreeing to meet ENs and following MB principles. This all sounds great, but what about healing my hurt? She can stab me in the heart, twist the knife around and not suffer any consequences? I honestly don't know what I want from her, but it seems like a lot more than what's stated in this compensation article.

mkeverydaycnt:

I am definitely more of the mindset of what you have to say. I feel WW is the one who all this damage to me and our M, and I'm the one who has to be patient while she deals with her stupid mistake???? I believe I have more patience than the average person (my wife has even told me that), but doing what Jim suggests would be way out of line even for me. If I knew now that's in fact what would happen, I would cut my losses now and file for D.

What I am trying figure out is how to influence this situation, and my wife, to get her moving in a positive way towards compensation, healing me and R. It sounds like one approach you all are suggesting is to have a telephone session with Steve Harley and have him be the one to state these demands, and not me.

The Harleys are quite adamant that the other spouse be notified and I would IMPLORE you to contact her immediately. Informing her will greatly reduce the risk of a resumption when there are 2 people watching from both ends. As it is now, your W is free to contact the OM because his W does not know of the affair. She may think they are "just friends." You protect the OM at your own expense.

The only reason your w would not want her to know is so that she can leave that avenue open and continue to contact him with ease without having to face any potential consequences of her affair. Both dreadful reasons to hide an affair from the victim.

And more importantly, the OMW has a need and right to know. She is being victimized by your wife and her husband and cannot very well protect herself and her children if she does not know the truth. Since you know the truth, you have a MORAL OBLIGATION to warn this woman.

This woman will likely be very grateful that you had the decency and compassion to warn her that she is being destroyed behind her back.

Since you made a bad agreement with your wife, I would go ahead and call the OW, without forewarning the affairees, and then tell your W later that you changed your mind.

But, the worst thing you can do is to NOT tell the OMW, RIL. There is absolutely no valid reason to not tell her. Keeping this a secret from their other victim only ENABLES the affairees, which is most definitely against your best interest.



OH DEAR. How did you keep yourself from LAUGHING when she said that?? She is bedding the womans' husband and has the audacity to say "we have no right to interfere??" EGADS! That should go down in the FOGHORN Hall of Fame! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



Like what? What is the more that you want? Because, you are probably not going to get more.



Steve Harley would be a great help, but all you have to do is print up that article I gave you,[Rules for Recovery] hand it to her and say "this is what I believe it will take to recover our marriage."

But, even at that, you are looking at months of hard work, my friend. adultery is the WORST THING that can happen to you. It is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. That cannot be erased, i am sorry to say. It takes months and years to recover from this.

[

A "nc visit???" Isn't that an OXYMORON?? If there is no contact, there should be NO CONTACT. EVER. You do understand this now, right?

My wife wanted to meet with OM for "closure". ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...Unfortunately, being halfway across the world, could not stop her and she is foggy again because of it...

MelodyLane,

I am curious, if it is so important to notify the OMW, why doesn't Harley state this in his books or website? Have you talked to him, and if so did he say this to you?

I have never read contacting the OMW anywhere except in these forums. What you say makes a lot of sense, I guess I'm just looking for an expert opinion on it.

Thanks for the 2x4s, I do need to hear these things.

RILww

You are getting good advice here. I also encourage you to contact OMW. Only after I contacted OMW was I able to have an impact on the A. I should have done it sooner. OMW has been invaluable in helping destroy the A. It helps that she has the same goals as me. You will never know till you contact her. Without OMW my WW would still be deep into the A.

My WW said the same thing. "They are working on their M. Don't contact them.". All the while she was in contact with OM. "So by sending love letters to OM you are helping their marriage? ...Right".

RIL, we learned about exposure FROM HIM. He speaks of exposure quite often on his radio show and in counseling. It is a tried and true MB principle.

Thank you for the quote, it is helpful to see it.

I will find out a way to contact her and do it.

bump