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Kiliki Offline OP
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To answer your question, showing independent behavior will push him away. It is not attractive to anyone. Men like to feel NEEDED [not in a clingy, needy way] but that they are important in their wife's life.

OK, what types of things do I need to do? I really could use the grass mowed, house cleaned, I keep finding dead mice in my back yard (thanks dogs!!). He jumps at the chance to do something for DS. Being "super dad" of course. How can I make him feel needed without being needy of things he HATES?? It was so funny (well, not so much when it happened). He had been done a few days. He called & asked, "so, is there anything you need me to do for you? Kill a spider or anythign?" WHAT??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> When he lived at home and I said there was a bug or spider, or even a mouse, his response would be, "well, take care of it". UGGG...

I have to be careful too because he's not allowed at the house & I don't want him at the house. I don't want to put DS in the middle because if I ask him to watch him or do something, take him to the doc or something it might backfire on me and he's already pushing for joint custody.

Suggestions greatly appreciated!!!

Quote
And secondly, unless I missed it, have you not exposed this affair? Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have in your arsenal. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when exposed, the fantasy aspect is ruined. There are no guarantees, but we have had affairs end THE DAY they were exposed.

The affair should be exposed to parents, [of ALL concerned], spouses, employers if a workplace affair, close siblings, close friends, grandparents, pastors. When you expose to them, ask for their ideas on how to save your marriage. When put like that, they often try to be helpful. It should be done in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect to prevent the affairees from pre-empting you.

This is a critical step that you can't afford to skip, k.


I'm working on my gameplan / who / words to say, etc. Most of his co-workers know...they're the ones that's been telling me. So, would it be good to put it up on MySpace??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Some of his friends (roommate included) are my "friends". I've heard lots of them aren't talking to him, have shyed away from him.

I plan to contact his mother / grandmother. Especially since he plans to take DS 12 hrs away to visit his grandmother in a few weeks.

They are co-workers, but I'm pretty sure it's condoned or shrugged off. I've heard HORRIBLE things about that place in regards to marriages, etc. Even within his group of friends. It's funny because a few years ago, it was speculated that a couple of co-workers were "too friendly". These 2 were married (he has 3-4 kids), but spent a lot of time together. I remember them being at our Christmas party and I was VERY uncomfortable because they were WAY too friendly / close to each other. Me & WH spent a lot of time talking about it. He was disgusted by it! Well, looks like things have changed!!!!!! The guy eventually divorced (don't remember who initiated it), she had separated from her DH, but they got back together when she found out she was preg. They've moved out of state & are back together. Happy I believe.

SO, should I just send out an email to everyone we know, explaining that he's left our family for HER, and I'm doing what I can to save the marriage?

I appreciate everyone's time in helping me. I pray daily for everyone going through this horrible time and for those that are praying for us.

THANK YOU!!!


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Kiliki Offline OP
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Some more random questions...

* When he left he did a change of address. Shocked him when he realized that all the bills are now coming to him...oops. Now he brings me the ones that I'm responsible for. Mainly anything to do with the house itself. Thing is, I've asked him twice to stop the forwarding so I can get the bills in more time than a few days to get them paid. He made up some excuse about having to go down to the post office. Anyway, I'm noticing some of the bills now have HIS address on them. This would mean that he had to inform the creditors of the new address. How can I politely ask him to fix it so they come to me??? He has no reason to check up on me. Most of the time he's not even opening them. It's anoying me. I've told him before, well, I can't pay the bills if I don't have them.

* He has to bring DS home by 6 on Sunday. We are having an event at church and I will have him bring him there. He's actually agreed to this. (I secretely pray that something will seep through his feet when he's on church grounds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) When I ask him to bring DS to the church, should I add, "you're welcome to stay"? There will be music, kid stuff, fireworks.

* I think I asked it above, but what types of things should I ask his help with, to make him feel needed? Anythign I think of is either something he'd hate if he were home or having to do with DS and I don't want him to think, "ah ha, maybe getting joint custody won't be so hard". He did get his hair cut for me last night (he asked). I don't want this to show he should pay less CS since he's doing those things. Plus, daycare is forever needing extra $$ for "McDonald's Days or Ice Cream Days". Should I ask him to pay that or just do it myself?

* I'll do some searching, but what types of comebacks will I need to use when he's been "exposed" to everyone & lashes back at me?

* I'll also search for this, but would appreciate some feedback too, how to word things to people? "He is having an A, the day after Tgiving decided he'd be happier away from me & DS. I'm not sure how long it's been going on, but I have a feeling for some time. He has no interest in saving this marriage or this family, but I am doing what I can to restore it. All prayers and any support would be greatly appreciated".

* Should I consult my lawyer about any of this before I proceed? As most lawyers, I know he's on my side, but he told me a long time ago, it's over. Because WH filed a complaint on me in Jan. WHATEVER...we all know marriages can be saved. I'm still holding out hope.

When he calls tonight (I'm sure he will), I'll ask him about the Tour de France that is about to start.


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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I have to be careful too because he's not allowed at the house & I don't want him at the house. I don't want to put DS in the middle because if I ask him to watch him or do something, take him to the doc or something it might backfire on me and he's already pushing for joint custody.

First off, he should be allowed to come into the house! Keeping him out is a bad idea right now. It smacks of punishment and gives him ammunition to use AGAINST YOU. Don't hand him ammunition against you. You WANT him in the house so he can miss it. So he can miss YOU. The house should be pleasant and inviting, just like you! So, think of things that he DOES GOOD and ask for his help. You don't want to ask him to just do things because you need a boy to move some boxes. He will resent being used like that. Ask his advice about something in which he has special knowledge. focus on being as ATTRACTIVE AS YOU CAN. I assure you the OW IS!!

Quote
I'm working on my gameplan / who / words to say, etc. Most of his co-workers know...they're the ones that's been telling me. So, would it be good to put it up on MySpace??? Some of his friends (roommate included) are my "friends". I've heard lots of them aren't talking to him, have shyed away from him.

I plan to contact his mother / grandmother. Especially since he plans to take DS 12 hrs away to visit his grandmother in a few weeks.

No, don't put it on myspace and don't bother with friends. Expose to his employer if a workplace affair, his parents, his grandmother, mother, siblings, CLOSE friends, the OW's parents. Tell them that your H has abandoned the marriage for an adulterous affair and ask for their advice. Ask them to please support you and DS in any way they see fit. Do this all on the SAME DAY to get the maximum effect.

Send a CERTIFIED LETTER, scheduled to arrive the same day you expose, to Human Resources at his job. CC his boss, her boss and the region VP so the scandal is not deep sixed. Tell them about the adultery and remind them that this affair could cause potential sexual harrassment problems. Then ask them this-----------------> WHAT DO YOU INTEND ON DOING ABOUT IT?

They may not do anything, but it will put pressure on the affairees at work and cause conflict in the affair.

What I' am going to tell you next will gall you to no end, but right now you have to put aside your gall and be strategic because your marriage is under assault. In all interactions with him, ask yourself this: AM I MORE OR LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OW? This is critical for you to realizse what you are up against so when you feel like kicking him out or tellikng him what a low, sorry ****** he is that you are HELPING THE OW. When you lovebust him, you make the OW LOOK GOOD. And this is not the HelptheHo-Bag Program, but the Help the Kiliki Program! Got dat? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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* I'll do some searching, but what types of comebacks will I need to use when he's been "exposed" to everyone & lashes back at me?

He will be furious, but remember you can't reason with a falling down drunk. Your reply will be: "I am sorry you are so upset, dear."

Quote
* Should I consult my lawyer about any of this before I proceed? As most lawyers, I know he's on my side, but he told me a long time ago, it's over. Because WH filed a complaint on me in Jan. WHATEVER...we all know marriages can be saved. I'm still holding out hope.

I have to run but I will answer these real quick. You don't need to consult a lawyer to expose. Their job is to FACILITATE a quick easy divorce, we are trying to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. He is good at divorce, we are good at marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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First off, he should be allowed to come into the house! Keeping him out is a bad idea right now. It smacks of punishment and gives him ammunition to use AGAINST YOU. Don't hand him ammunition against you. You WANT him in the house so he can miss it. So he can miss YOU. The house should be pleasant and inviting, just like you!

Since I have proof on the A, I'm not to be behind closed doors with him. He can say we reconsimated the marriage and it would be as if I'm condoning the A. I can't afford that. It would put me back at square 1.

Quote
So, think of things that he DOES GOOD and ask for his help. You don't want to ask him to just do things because you need a boy to move some boxes. He will resent being used like that. Ask his advice about something in which he has special knowledge. focus on being as ATTRACTIVE AS YOU CAN. I assure you the OW IS!!

He's a computer guy. My Mac is out of commission. Needs a new powersupply. He's aware of it. I'd ask if he'd be willing to replace it for me, but 1 - I don't want him to get his hands on that machine. 2 - I can't be alone with me, even if he replaced it at the house.



Quote
No, don't put it on myspace and don't bother with friends. Expose to his employer if a workplace affair, his parents, his grandmother, mother, siblings, CLOSE friends, the OW's parents. Tell them that your H has abandoned the marriage for an adulterous affair and ask for their advice. Ask them to please support you and DS in any way they see fit. Do this all on the SAME DAY to get the maximum effect.

Send a CERTIFIED LETTER, scheduled to arrive the same day you expose, to Human Resources at his job. CC his boss, her boss and the region VP so the scandal is not deep sixed. Tell them about the adultery and remind them that this affair could cause potential sexual harrassment problems. Then ask them this-----------------> WHAT DO YOU INTEND ON DOING ABOUT IT?

They may not do anything, but it will put pressure on the affairees at work and cause conflict in the affair.

I've got contact info on her XH, don't know about her family.

Quote
What I' am going to tell you next will gall you to no end, but right now you have to put aside your gall and be strategic because your marriage is under assault. In all interactions with him, ask yourself this: AM I MORE OR LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OW? This is critical for you to realizse what you are up against so when you feel like kicking him out or tellikng him what a low, sorry ****** he is that you are HELPING THE OW. When you lovebust him, you make the OW LOOK GOOD. And this is not the HelptheHo-Bag Program, but the Help the Kiliki Program! Got dat? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This doesn't bother me too much. She's not all that, let me tall ya. I'm sure it's not a physical attraction. I've lost 35 lbs since he left and am dressing better. More like he wanted me to in the past. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything but jeans & t-shirt...what he hates. I do plan out my wardrobe before I'm going to see him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Like tomorrow!


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Well, never mind then.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What I' am going to tell you next will gall you to no end, but right now you have to put aside your gall and be strategic because your marriage is under assault. In all interactions with him, ask yourself this: AM I MORE OR LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OW? This is critical for you to realizse what you are up against so when you feel like kicking him out or tellikng him what a low, sorry ****** he is that you are HELPING THE OW. When you lovebust him, you make the OW LOOK GOOD. And this is not the HelptheHo-Bag Program, but the Help the Kiliki Program! Got dat?

K, what Mel is getting at is it's not necessarily physical attraction. Doesn't matter what you think she looks like, you are not in his twisted mind perceiving things as he does. Keep in mind, waywards think differently about things than they did before they were wayward. The have to do this a lot of time to justify themselves. Remember the whole alien abduction analogy.

Mel is right on the money as usual. No matter what, when you look bad to him in ANY way, the OW looks better.


Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.

Plan A Thread
Plan B Thread
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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Honestly and truly, I credit one of the FIRST STEPS in my MBer's success as being my willingness to LISTEN TO MEL and to DO WHATEVER SHE TOLD ME TO DO..along with others like WAT..but MEL was a GODSEND to me..particularly on the WEEKENDS.

I say..DO NOT QUESTION MEL...get her back in your corner somehow..holler out to her...

LISTENING AND LEARNING from folks HERE will help you to get your family back..

BTW, the primary need that the OW met in my situation was ADMIRATION and it was a STRONG ATTRACTION that kept my H holding onto her...

Not bragging just fact... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...I'm definitely more physically attractive but that did not matter one bit when he was "in love" with her...

LISTEN TO MEL...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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CORRECTION:

My Physical Attractiveness to him mattered "some" bit..and I did PLAY IT UP..but not enough for him to END THE AFFAIR..not enough for him to even want to end the affair... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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OK, as most of you do, I've been contemplating all this for a while now. My future is in my hands. It's so hard to make a jump.. Partly, I was waiting on some confirmation that the A is still going on. Well, DUH...yeah, I know...but she could've gotten tired of him already! Anyway, got some pretty trusting confirmation tonight...so, time to roll...

Here is what I've composed with some help...

*************
Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with ____________. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son xxxxxxx. He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son want or need.

I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, he says, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing.

Since I want to save my marriage, I am following the counsel and advice of one of the most renowned experts on the subject of infidelity. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored.

****************

People to inform...
work
mom & step dad
grandma
great-grandma
aunts / uncle's
co-workers (I hear most of them are disgusted by this)
friends
my parents (already know)
her XH


I appreciate all of the advice I've received so far. I know I'm reluctant to do things. That's how I am. I know I've gotta get off my rear to save this marriage.

I've posted questions several posts above that will help me with my Plan A. Thanks for any input!

I'm headed to bed to process some of this. I'll be back on in the morning.

Please remember to pray for our friend Eph...he's got a tough day tomorrow as he starts Plan B!


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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The letter looks good. However, I would add OW's parents and other family to the list. You can probably get their contact info through OWXH.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Jim,

Thanks for the reply. I'll look into getting the info.

He may still be wanting to take DS3 12 hrs away to visit his family next week. Grandma will be notified before they arrive!!!


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,828
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K,

I only did one exposure letter to OW's parents, but I don't think it ever reached them. I told everyone else in person or over the phone.

One thing I would suggest, and maybe others with more experience will chime in here, is to add more in your letter about your continued LOVE for your WH, as well as your desire to make changes yourself to make this work.

You don't want them to read this as being purely out of anger, hurt, revenge, etc. I found when people knew that I was coming from love, the desire not only to "honor my vows", but my desire to RESTORE a LOVING, strong marriage for both Drac and myself, they were very receptive.

Of course, most of them were shocked and angry about Drac's A. That is easy. Yet we need these folks to not only help break up the A, but also support as much as possible, the path to RECOVERY.

Make sense?


BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07

"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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K,
One thing I would suggest, and maybe others with more experience will chime in here, is to add more in your letter about your continued LOVE for your WH, as well as your desire to make changes yourself to make this work.

You don't want them to read this as being purely out of anger, hurt, revenge, etc. I found when people knew that I was coming from love, the desire not only to "honor my vows", but my desire to RESTORE a LOVING, strong marriage for both Drac and myself, they were very receptive.

Thanks Bugs!!

Here is how my original letter was written. The bold parts were in the original.
[color:"red"]
Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with ____________. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son xxxxx. He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son want or need.

As with any marriage, it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We may want everyone to think that, but who wants to admit there are problems in their marriage? We have NEVER searched out the perfect church (which I have since found), gone to marriage counseling, read any relationship books together, gone to any marriage seminars, even really discussed it with each other, and better yet, we have NEVER prayed together. I really hate admitting any of this, but it's just the way it is.

I pray that even if my marriage can't be saved that I can give some advice to other married (or even non-married people out there) people of things to do / not do in their relationships.


I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

As anyone can imagine, this came as a GREAT shock to me. July 23, 2007 will be our 13th wedding anniversary. God has greatly blessed us over these years. Even during this tragic time in my life, He is working hard on my life. I have re-dedicated my life to him, joined an AMAZING church, been baptized (a new birthday!) and had DS dedicated into the church. This has been the biggest blessing. I have put God back where He belongs in my life. I also vow to raise my son with God first and teach him to love God and follow him in his life.

In doing that, I am learning an awful lot about marriage and what God expects from it. These are things we never did. I can either use these new tools to work on my current marriage or it will help me in the future.

I know most of you love WH and probably do not believe what I am saying is true, but believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, admit that my husband of almost 13 years is cheating on me. When we said our vows at that church alter in the site of God, we were making a lifelong commitment to each other. At least, that's what I thought.


Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, he says, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing.

You, as family and friends, I need lots of support and prayers at this time. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored. DS is missing out on having a loving home with two parents. He is such a gift from God and he does not deserve this! I love watching him grow (too fast as we all know!!). I hate having to deal with this terror when these should be extremely happy times. Creating family memories, traditions.

WH has his mind set that he will be happier without us and has closed that door.


Dear friends, I pray that God will speak to your heart to do the right thing and help me restore this family.

I know you are family and friends and you love WH. I love WH too, you don't stop loving him, just HATE the sin that he is inflicting on this family.

God is so good & I know why I am going through this. [/color]


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
K
I've got to wonder. You stated that you could not let him in the house. This would compromise your divorce leverage? Is it correct?

I thought you wanted to maintain a marriage. I understand the need to protect your finances, etc so what ramifications did the lawyer say letting him in the house would have? I am not interested in your family/friends opinions but rather a legal one.

It seems to me a conundrum, if you can not connect but make things awkward and uncomfortable. How can you actually make the MARRIAGE work?


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
K
Kiliki Offline OP
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K
I've got to wonder. You stated that you could not let him in the house. This would compromise your divorce leverage? Is it correct?

I thought you wanted to maintain a marriage. I understand the need to protect your finances, etc so what ramifications did the lawyer say letting him in the house would have? I am not interested in your family/friends opinions but rather a legal one.

It seems to me a conundrum, if you can not connect but make things awkward and uncomfortable. How can you actually make the MARRIAGE work?

This is advice from my lawyer & PI. Since I have proof of the A, we're not to be behind closed doors together. He can easily come back & say we "consimated" the marriage and it would negate my whole case I have with the proof. It would be saying that I condone the A. I'd be back to square 1.

Just like I'm not to be alone with the opposite sex because he could be having me followed. All you need in this state is time, place & opportunity. A physical act does not have to be seen.


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
K
Kiliki Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
Something else I need to add.

"I want to teach DS what it is to have a loving / successful marriage. I don't want him to learn that when things get tough, it's OK to just run away. Leave your commitment. No need to actually try to work on it, just leave. It's better off for you anyway."

this is how I feel WH is acting and his beliefs. You have to stand for your commitments. Don't run when the going gets tough. WH got mad, took his ball & went home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
Quote
Quote
K
I've got to wonder. You stated that you could not let him in the house. This would compromise your divorce leverage? Is it correct?

I thought you wanted to maintain a marriage. I understand the need to protect your finances, etc so what ramifications did the lawyer say letting him in the house would have? I am not interested in your family/friends opinions but rather a legal one.

It seems to me a conundrum, if you can not connect but make things awkward and uncomfortable. How can you actually make the MARRIAGE work?

This is advice from my lawyer & PI. Since I have proof of the A, we're not to be behind closed doors together. He can easily come back & say we "consimated" the marriage and it would negate my whole case I have with the proof. It would be saying that I condone the A. I'd be back to square 1.

Just like I'm not to be alone with the opposite sex because he could be having me followed. All you need in this state is time, place & opportunity. A physical act does not have to be seen.

I guess my question is what do you gain with a fault divorce?

In my vague understanding, it does not affect the custody, asset, etc. It simply allows for an expedited divorce process? Is that correct?

You need to weigh the advantages/disadvantages to this.

JMHO


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
K
Kiliki Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
Quote
I guess my question is what do you gain with a fault divorce?

In my vague understanding, it does not affect the custody, asset, etc. It simply allows for an expedited divorce process? Is that correct?

You need to weigh the advantages/disadvantages to this.

JMHO

Oh, I'm NOT expediting the D!!! In this state 12 months for a "no-fault", 3 months for "fault". I'm dragging my feet. Only trying to protect me & DS3. He will NOT get a 3 month D!!! I just want the upperhand & don't want him to get to court, say he's unhappy, we've lived apart 12 years, file the papers. I don't have to do anything, just be served with papers saying I'm divorced.

I dont' want to get there to protect myself because of the A, and my $2600 proof go out the window because he "said" we were alone. don't want the alien to appear. I don't have much confidence in these judges as it is, if things progress that far. Just trying to protect what I have.

He has been inside the door a few times since.


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
K
Kiliki Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 71
I've still got things swimming in my head. I need answers to my questions in previous posts about how to handle WH. Things to be careful to do / say.

I'm still reading through as much as I can with SAA & posts here. It's all just swimming in my head.

Tomorrow's going to be a bad day for me. WH is to get DS3 for his 1st week. I think he's still planning to take him 12 hours away to visit his grandmother.

I've been having huge doubts the past few days. Thinking of how WH is. Not "into" church, hanging out with the people he does, at bars, concerts, etc. Listening to the music he does (got a reminder when he left his iPod in DS's bag). Is he willing to change enough to the man I want? God's got to hit him square in the head to knock some sense into him and for him to want to change. I want a total transformation for our family. Is that too much to ask? Would I be wasting my time? I do love my WH and want our family whole, but I'm not sure he'd be receptive.

He is a good man & has some good qualities.

Just need encouragement right now!

Well, I'm headed to church to get recharged.


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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