My wife and I had an interesting conversation tonight while we were alone for once while the kids were occupied for a couple of hours.

I had previously sent her the link to Dr. Harley's infidelity video, she watched it and brought it up tonight. She asked me why I wanted her to look at it, and I said I thought some of the topics brought up in the video were interesting, especially when he compares the pain on infidelity on the BS to other tragic things that people have had happen to them.

As some of you know, my wife has not been remorseful, and has said since her feelings for me have decreased over the last several years we have drifted apart, she is not bothered that much by my pain. When I brought up again tonight how much this has affected me and I am flabbergasted in her lack of concern or interest in helping me, she replied to keep bringing up this topic doesn't do any good as that is the ways she feels at this time due to her current minimal feelings for me.

When I asked her tonight why she has agreed to work with me on R, she replied because she realizes how important it is to me and she is trying to be nice to me. We then got into a long conversation about how she thought how different and uncompatible we are. She said she is an adventurous person, she likes to travel; whereas I am more of a homebody. She gave lots of examples of events in the past where I was less than enthusiastic about some of the things she wanted to do, she was right about a lot of it, sometimes I can be a stick-in-the-mud about things.

She just finished the book "Surviving An Affair", and just started "His Needs, Her Needs" (I have already read both). She says the EN concept makes a lot of sense to her, and she is willing to work on figuring out what each of our ENs are, and to see where we could go from there. We are both of the attitude that we have nothing to lose by trying, if this doesn't work for us, at least we would have learned these concepts for our next relationships.

Towards the end of the conversation I expressed how bad I was feeling and how much this was eating me up. She said that was just the result of where each of us is at this stage. She said lets think less about the past and work towards the future by starting to apply the MB concepts.

On one hand I am happy she is showing some interest in working with me trying to figure out what will work. On the other hand, I am sad at the low level of enthusiasm. I know it's still early and we have a long road ahead of us.

My goodness - it's only been a few weeks of NC?!?!?!?! OMG what are you expecting?

This is a LTA OMG

You should figure on probably at least 6 months for withdrawal. Maybe longer.

This is going to take you 2+ years to recover from. It's a marathon not a sprint. On a rollercoaster. I promise you it will get worse before it gets better.

Oh and she isn't a "F"WW YET. She has a ways to go to earn her "F". Ending the affair does not entitle her to an "F".

Are you sure she is in NC? Has she sent a NC letter?

It is good she wants to work on recovery with MB.

Actually RILww, I think you are doing amazingly well - at least in comparison to what I went through. I would have been ecstatic to have been in your position just a few weeks after Dday.

Are you verifying that there is no contact? Sounds too good to be true after a long relationship. I would check closely.

believer is right.

You're WW seems pretty calm. What I would expect of a WW freshly into NC after a LTA is more along the lines of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. A WW brand new to NC is more often than not a wild animal. You can't imagine the nasty things they can say.

After I ended my A and wanted to work on my M I still had periodic contact with OM. I also went into a deep depression and needed ADs. My emotions were up and down constantly, and I was horrible to be around.

I also had a LTA. It's a good sign that your W is reading, but keep an eye on her. She will continue to be in contact with OM and you need to be aware of this so you can set boundaries and protect yourself. Getting over a LTA isn't easy, even if your W doesn't want any part of it anymore.

KM

She said she is an adventurous person, she likes to travel; whereas I am more of a homebody. She gave lots of examples of events in the past where I was less than enthusiastic about some of the things she wanted to do, she was right about a lot of it, sometimes I can be a stick-in-the-mud about things.

hmmmm If I were you...I would plan a little adventure...

perhaps just for a day right now...

scoop her away to a local park...camping...picinic....
plan an activity...

make it a suprise.....
leave her a note and a change of clothes or a new T-shirt to wear for the adventure....

do you understand what I am saying...

quit BEING a stick in a mud...it's not a gene trait...

it's what is known and comfortable for you...

time to expand and stretch your comfort zone...

time to step it up...
BUT
not huge grand things right now...
just small things....

or else you will set yourself up for disspapointment when she doesn't swoon all over you...
changes take time....

why not plan a after work picinic....
why not find a drive in..pack the kids...some food...etc.etc etc...

plan a weekend day trip to a local fair or state park...

in other words...become more adventerous....

ARK

RIL, this all going exactly according to script so you shouldn't be alarmed. The WS usually does not feel remorse at this time because they are still too emotionally invested in the rationalizations. As the fog wears off, though, she will feel remorse.

I would suggest never pushing her on this because it will make it worse. Her remorse has to come naturally, of her own accord. If you push her on this before she is ready, you make her DEFEND her actions, which makes it longer until remorse hits.


This is what she has told herself to justify the affair. But don't it scare you, RIL. The MB plan teaches you to find MUTUALLY ENJOYABLE activities. Out of thousands of recreational activities to choose from, you can always find one that you both enjoy. The key here is not to do everyone together necessarily, but to reserve your FAVORITE leisure activity for your marriage.

Thank you for all of your good comments. I'm the type of person that needs to get other opinions on whatever I am doing at the time, this forum has been very helpful to me with that.

I appreciate your patience with me. I wish I had more patience with myself.

I sometimes read what others are going through, and I am relieved things are going as well for me as they are.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my posts and comment on my situation.

I tried to get my FWH to read some things shortly after we began recovery. He would just read and justify, justify, justify. It wasn't until nearly a year or so later that he was ready to read and comprehend any type of relationship material. Hang tight, the road's still bumpy ahead.

Very nice post Melody, RIL is indeed very new to all this.

As some of the other posters pointed out, your recovery hinges on your wife’s ability to maintain no contact. It is ‘the cornerstone of recovery. Without it, there can be no recovery. So, as many of the other posters have already noted, you will do yourself a great service by carefully monitoring your wife’s activities to insure that there is “no contact”, no email, no phone conversations, no pictures, no far away sightings, in short, NO NOTHING.

You are justified to take whatever measures are available to you (legal) to kill your wife’s relationship with the other man. That especially includes informing the OM’s wife of the affair activity. This is one instance where the old cliché, “All’s fair in love and war” most certainly applies.

Your wife may tell you that she hates you and never wants to see you again but your response is a humble one, you did it to save your marriage, nothing more, nothing less. Her response might shake you to your core but know that it will achieve you a “net gain”.

Note that the reason so many posters are warning you to insure “no contact” is because most wayward women in an affair similar to your wife’s and on the same time line as you are on, are still secretly contacting their affair partner. It is the voice of experience that you hear warning you.

Stay guarded at this early point in your recovery, as a letdown might be par for the course.

Did I note that your wife has an upcoming SCUBA vacation? If I read that correctly that it is critical that you go on this vacation with her or that she does not go at all, one or the other.

Mr. G

The scuba trip was canceled. She ended up joining us when I took the kids to see my folks in Florida. The NC "visit" was on June 8th. I don't know for sure if she has violated NC, but I continue to monitor her computer. She doesn't use her cell phone that much, I do check the history in her cell phone every few days, and she hasn't contacting him in the last several days that way.

I noticed she has a calling card (AT&T from WalMart) in her wallet, I don't know if she is using it, and how to find out if she is. I don't know if it's possible to get a call log from one of those things.

I have been researching phone call recorders and voice recorders and plan to get some soon for the house and her car.

I called an investigating firm about finding OMW's cell phone number and/or email address, I need to follow up on that. I do have OMW's address, if all else fails I thought about writing her a letter asking her to contact me.

Thanks again for your comments.

Take the calling card, tear it up, and throw it away, and then when you are done, go to OMW's house and talk to her in person. Your WW is already breaking NC, and things will start up again if you do not notify OMW. This needs to be done ASAP!

By the way, I had to tear up two of my WW's calling cards, so I do have experience in these matters.

Yes... I agree with Jim. Take the calling card and throw it away. She won't ask if you did it though, because she will be too mortified. She will also try and get better about hiding things, so the recorders are a good idea.

I wouldn't write a letter to OMW. I would use her address to try and find out her phone number. Letters can be intercepted, unfortunately (I speak from experience.)

KM

Unfortunately, OM and W just moved, I can't find the new number through directory assistance or the internet.

I could take the calling card from her wallet, but it's a simple matter for her to just buy another one. I thought if there was a way look up the card records some how, I could get information that way.

Go pay someone to find it. It will likely be the only way for this affair to truly end.

She can buy another one. Did you miss the part about where I threw away the second card she bought? She kept buying them, I kept searching her belongings every day, and I would find them and through them away. While you are at it, search all of your WW's stuff, and deleter all emails, block his email address, throw out anything he gave to her, delete his phone number from her phone, throw away all contact info she still has, get rid of it all. Don't tell her you are going to do it. She won't agree to it, so you can just avoid the fight. Just do it. You need to stand up to a WS. I would also get GPS device and put it in her car to prevent her from sneaking out and seeing him. Trust me, you aren't out of the woods just yet. She is an addict and all access to the instruments of her addiction must be cut out.

Why would she need a calling card? If she does get another one you know she is in contact.

RILww,

I don't think you realize that you are dealing with an ADDICT, and she will do EVERYTHING in her power to continue to contact OM. You need to put your foot down, inform OMW, and watch your WW like a hawk until she recovers from her addiction (which will take at least six months). You will know when withdrawal is over because she will stop being depressed and start acting more lovingly towards you.

Bump