Meggy brings up a very very very crucial point.
And one that Bramblerose brought up last week also.

Are you looking for reasons to contact WH? This is an appropriate place to exam your motives. You're the only one who can answer that.

Lots of BS's break their own Plan B, and lots of them come up with justifications for doing it. I've seen many of them use every possible reason to break their own Plan B, just to get a glimpse of WS, wanting to know if THIS got through to them yet...

And an event like the one you're dealing with ought to be one of those that make every WS face reality. The ol "what if that were me..."

I am NOT suggesting what your motives are. Just suggesting that you look at them, since within the last 2 weeks your Plan B seems to be in jeopardy.

Sis said this:



This is why I have not responded. I am respecting Sis' wishes.

I have thoughts about this statement too that I am reluctant to talk about in order to respect Sis' wishes.

It might not matter to him NOW.....but that doesn't mean it would not have an affect on him LATER? Not seeking "instant gratification" but a planting of another seed? Although, I guess, this speaks to motives.

Again...thinking out loud. Not advocating one way or the other. I see points on both sides....

Fox

Mimi, that quote jumped out at me too.

~ Marsh

Sis did what she has been encouraged to do. She got triggered by something, wanted to reach out to WH, and came here and posted about it instead before acting. She's getting some good advice, especially from Lexxy, PM, LG, and Marsh.

Good job, Sis.

I would like to add my perspective - as someone who is divorced. Plan B is supposed to show your WH what life would be like after D. the reality of a life without you as a "friend, wife, or companion". After D, you would not likely contact him in a sitaution like this.

Soon after my D, my Ex's aunt died. My former SIL was the one who told me about it. I attended the funeral, cried with the family, and then went home. I did not speak to WxH becuase it was HIM who chose to pull me out of that family! I had been a DIL, SIL, and friend to that family for 18 years, and WxH chose to yank me out, and put another woman in my place. I was not technically related to them anymore - buy his selfish choice. Of course, I stay in contact with all of them. If there were another funeral, someone would call me, and I would attend. But I would not contact WxH. he chose to extract me from my life as wife, SIL, DIL. the final step was the D. After the D -OW#1, and later OW#2 took my place at the Thanksgiving table, and around the Christmas tree. His choice. He had many opportunites to stop that from happening, but he never did.
You have the chance right now to really show your WH what D is like. the whole truth. I would encourage you to stay in plan B.

and just so you know - I have a LOT of stories I could share with you about trauma happneing in WxH's life at the time, and how I felt the need to reach out to him. I do not know what you are going through right now - but let me tell you that during my own trauma, WxH found out his father had been molesting his own grandchildren - a HUGE shock to all of us. the truth came out, and his father spent several years in jail. Many times I reached out to consol WH - because after all OW did not know him like I did. She never even met his dad. WxH was always so grateful to have my comforting words, my understanding. He accepted my kindness, and then went home to sleep with OW.

Just some things to think about.

LilSis, without knowing what the tragic event is, it's hard to know how to pitch a response. However, I'm assuming it's something to do with your WH's working life as a cop?

It's only human to want to reach out to someone who's suffering. However, you made a comittment to yourself to minimise contact between yourself and WH no matter what the provocation, and you made that committment for sound reasons, in the long-term interests of the boys and of your own personal recovery. Any action that breaches your promise to yourself must be thought about long and hard.

In leaving you and filing for divorce, your WH effectively took responsibility for his own emotional support requirements. This is the kind of moment when he may find that decision tough, but that's his problem. Soothing the pain, short-term, is not compassionate nor even respectful to him.

However, being able to sympathise with his pain is important to the boys. Seeing that someone can feel compassion to another person who is hurting them deeply, is an important lesson. Helping them to understand that their father may be distracted, impatient or simply not there, is genuinely compassionate to him...even though he doesn't hear you doing it.

TA

Plan B is plan B. Your silence will be deafening.

WH74:

I will expand on this:


That's why I asked her to write it down in a letter, and give it to him later, after he returns.

If I had something like this happen, and my BS was in Plan B, and she came out to comfort me, I would eat it up. And then go back to my OW.

And get even more comfort.

Cakeeating WH's do things like that.

No.

LS should talk with the family member affected , and have the boys send sympathy info to "THIER DAD" LS stays out.

LG

LS:

Have a good day today, as best as you can.

LG

Sis,
I think LG has some very good points. Writing what you want to say, in support of your husband, and holding onto it, that's good. Helping the boys reach out to dad is good, but you stay away from WH.

Give your condolensces to those ACTUALLY involved, hurt from the tragedy; that is where your heart should lay, with those directly impacted--whose lives will change today. Regardless of how saddened your WH is by the events, he's still alive and well.

Post deleted by mimi_here

LS:

How has the rest of the summer been treating you?

LG

Post deleted by Lexxxy

Post deleted by lousygolfer

Thank you, lg, for expanding on that a little bit.

(how come everyone is deleting their posts?)

Fox

There was some language that turned out to be unintentionally insensitive, so it got removed. No big deal.

morning LS.

i have no advice...just wanted to say hello.
hope you are feeling better.

LilSis:

Peace and Comfort to you and the Boys.

Whatever you decide to do.

Hope you return quickly, and are stronger because of it.

LG

((( LilSis )))

Just thinking about you and your boys...


car