Medc said:




No, Medc does not know my H and never will...

Most people here will never know him...

There are folks here that may have a chance to meet him...

But because I love him so... I want to PROCLAIM that he WAS and STILL IS a MAN OF CHARACTER ... It hurts me for him to be BLASPHEMED here. He did horrible things but he also has been WONDERFUL to me..treated me better than ANYONE else has..ANYONE ELSE in this world who is still living..He made a MISTAKE..MISTAKES and he has TRULY REPENTED..I HURT along with him when he CRIES in knowing and thinking about the BAD things that he DID...

I've known CRACK ADDICTS in my own family and my H was LIKE THE CRACK ADDICT about the OW...this is MY REALITY..and I PROCLAIM it here...


This has been the story of MY LIFE and MY REALITY and it may be not be the same as some others...

BUT there are those of you who may eventually walk in my SAME SHOES and I don't want those of you who MAY to lose your HOPE...

Mimi... if you feel a man of character can slide himself into another woman and somehow he is still treating you well, there really is nothing I can say to change your thinking. I do believe your H has character and integrity today....it is evidenced by his actions. I don't think anyone of character...no matter how much they are respected in the business world, no matter how well they are liked, no matter how they appear to treat others put that glass pipe to their mouth for the first time....or slide their zipper down that first time.
See, IMHO, an affair is a conscious decision to leave your character and integrity at the door. Nobody here has balsphemed your H... no matter how dramatic you want to get about it. He has truly repented and become the good man he should have been all along.

I'm not going to debate this with you, MEDC.

My H was a man of character BEFORE HIS AFFAIR. Period.

You are welcome to your opinion about him but I KNOW WHAT I KNOW and what I am saying is THE TRUTH about HIM.

I could go on and on with his years and years and years of demonstrating his CHARACTER. He has more years on the BEFORE side than he does on this side.

I am not necessarily being DRAMATIC unless you are calling ME as being DRAMATIC.

I am being ME.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sorry. I don't want to get in the middle of this. But I don't think it's technically possible to blaspheme another person. I find the use of that word troubling or I would not have posted.

Mimi... you can believe in your husband. I understand it's important. But you have to accept the bad character flaws of your WH along with the good. And right now, you aren't accepting his flaws and that they really DID hurt you.

You see, my FWH was (and still is) a "man of character". He was successful beyond compare in his job. He was WORTH something. He had the respect and admiration of his peers. And I was TERRIFIED of taking that away because it was so important to him.

NOW: he will be the first to tell you that his work is the reason he got so full of himself. He thought he could get away with it all. AND still have the respect and admiration. When it came down to it, his peers had lost respect for him as soon as they could see he was having an A. He'd already lost it. And he'd lost his own self respect by choosing to cheat. He BECAME someone else. He was NOT the "man of character". He was a WH. And no one liked that.

Accept EVERYTHING. Meaning, help him face those and BEAT the flaws. Meaning... don't let him walk all over you. Just because he treats you well by not beating you, feeding you, clothing you, does NOT mean he's truly treating you well.

If you want to be a doormat, fine. Because all he's doing rightnow is sugar coating everything and bribing you so he can get away with his A. And apparently it's working. Don't expect him to stop his A as long as his bribes are working.

Until you CLAIM your MARRIAGE back, your WH will continue. Or worse: leave.

PROCLAIM your MARRIAGE.
ETA: I didn't realize that your H had repented. But what I said is true for other WS's. Accept my apologies.

Okay Mimi. No need to debate this on my end. The concept is very simple from this vantage point.... and I know what I know too.
So, we will agree to disagree once again.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Steve Harley: Is your H anything like the way he was BEFORE?

Mimi: NO.

Steve: Then he is ADDICTED. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THIS!!!

I will never ever forget Steve telling me that. "GET THIS!! GET THIS!! DO YOU GET THIS????"

MEDC, men and women of character DO do those things. [bill clinton is certainly not in that class] It's the one who DON'T have character that never stop, never show remorse. If her H wasn't a man of character, he would still be DOING those things. He is not. Having character does not mean someone is perfect, it only means we have the character to right that wrong. Character is found, not in being perfect - which no one is - but in how we handle our wrongdoing.

Sorry Mel, you are wrong.

WS, accepting the "flaws" that led to the affair is not the same as accepting that her is NOT A MAN OF CHARACTER. There is a wide ocean between the two. Mimi very much accepts and understands how her H is and what led to his affair, of this I have no absolutely no doubt. And neither would you, if you had read her posts here for the past 4 years.

Do you also believe that people become alcoholics and drug addicts because they have no character?

nope..

My dictionary says as one of the definitions of character...

Moral or ethical strength.

Tell me, how does a moral or ethical man slide his penis into a woman not his wife.
Mel... the next time you slam a WS.... remember you are right here, right now saying that they can be moral and ethical while they are doing that deed.

agreed. I have not read her posts... and I am thinking I probably should have BEFORE I posted that. Which is why I ETA that last bit.

I did not like the comparison to Bill Clinton who seems like more of a CAD with a history of womanizing...

My H was a truly GOOD man who SLIPPED...

Can a person try to be TOO GOOD only to be lured by the DARK SIDE?

That's how I often think of it for him..that he was giving into the DARK SIDE that ALL of us HAVE...

If given just the right situation and opportunity..set of circumstances..any of us can slip...it just seemed to have fallen all into place for my H...he took just ONE PUFF when no one was looking..so he decided to take another...and then HE WAS HOOKED..to a PYT (PRETTY YOUNG THING) who was giving him a THRILL/KICKS..helping him to feel young again..sex and fun FOR FREE...AHH, I understand too well now maybe..easy to understand NOW, right?

drug addicts ... yes, that requires a lack of character.
alcoholics... no...because there is a societal and health conscious way to enjoy alcohol. If a person is predisposed to abusing alcohol, they will likely fall into a trap that was set for them at birth.
Drugs require doing an illegal action the first time... well before any addiction. No one has to put a crack pipe in their mouth the first time.

ML was NOT making a comparison to Bill Clinton. Quite the contrary. Please reread what she wrote.

There are many waywards who have affairs because they do not have character, this cannot be denied. But it is often the case that they DO have character but are simply ignorant about protecting their boundaries and wake up addicted one day.

They get a little too close to another person and before they know it, the temptation is greater and greater. So they begin the process of rationalization and justification, "my wife has treated me like dirt for years! blah, blah.." So they allow themselves to get a little closer, a little closer, and before they know it they are HOOKED. just like a crack addict or an alcoholic.

And then they find they just can't STOP. Now they are into the addiction phase.

It follows the exact same pattern as an alcoholic. I never planned to be one, I just sort of fell into in by not protecting boundaries. [of course, I will tell you I DID NOT have character, but many alcoholics DO]

Dr. Harley is a man of character in every respect, and even he says that HE could have an affair if he did not guard his boundaries. He says WE ARE ALL WIRED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. I did not believe him at first, but I do believe this to be true after fully understanding the insidious nature of an affair.

and if Dr. Harley has an affair he will have shed his character and integrity...it can grow back... but in order to do that deed... he shed it as surely as a snake sheds it skin.

I am not saying they are being MORAL while having an affair. Having character does not mean you attain 100% perfection in your life, that is an impossible standard. I am saying that people of character do have affairs. Just because someone does wrong does not mean it is due to a LACK OF CHARACTER. It may be due to WEAK BOUNDARIES, MEDC.

Some people DO commit adultery because they have no character, others because they are WEAK. bill clinton did it because he has no character, I know others on this forum who DO have character but had weak boundaries.

Like Harley said, we are all wired to have an affair. He even said if you don't believe this, you are probably vulnerable yourself because that means you are not protecting your boundaries.

Yes, of course, I have thought about this LONG and HARD.

Correct. I certainly believe that my H had PERSONALITY FLAWS that made him vulnerable to having an A...but he is not basically an IMMORAL PERSON...and would tell you today how WRONG he was and he is very much ASHAMED about it all..

Ironically speaking, he seems BADDER to me NOW than he was before..because he has BEEN THERE..lived that kind of life on the other side...

And I recognize now that I put him way too high up on a PEDESTAL, thinking that he would NEVER have an AFFAIR..not MY HUSBAND..he wants me to ACCEPT HIS WEAKNESSES AND FRAILTIES now..."I am only human, Mimi"....