We had another typical conversation, when she says she need me she wants to be with me, that the have to limit the relationship with OM, yet denies any physical or erotic part in their exchanges. I do not want to admit to reading to her e-mails. So this time while we were exchanging words who we love each other and how we want it to work between us. I told her that I know she was lying, but despite her questions I flatly refused how i know it. I said enough of the game when she admits only to what she knows I know and leaves me wondering what more is there. I said I am tired of snooping, i want to work on being happy with her, I know she lied, but I do hope she will deal with it.
It seemed to work, she did not get angry and defensive as usually when i expose another of her small lies. I am actually hopefull she might peak a little through the fog, not seeing me as a intrusive snooping enemie who is pushing her love away by suspicions. I am hopefullm carefull but really hoping for a breakthrough.

I've been thinking about this situation...

You know, if she's still "in love" with you, but continues to have affairs, I'm wondering if what you need to 'wake her up' is a crisis?

I know that MB does not recommend ultimatums. But to me, your situation seems fairly ideal for one.

Quite bluntly, I'd seriously consider kicking her out. Print out the emails for her to read...have them handy, and have the suitcases handy. And tell her point blank that you're done with her lying, you're done with her affairs, and if she's not going to make the changes needed to truly protect your marriage...you're done with her.

The reason I suggest this is because you indicate that she's in love with you. Given that, the threat of losing you might actually have an impact, where it wouldn't on most of our "usual" WS's we see around here.

I'd plan B her behind right now...because if she's that much in love with you, I don't think a plan A is needed at this point. A black hole, Halloween's night dark plan B...with some very very clear guidelines for reconciliation and ending it...would be most effective. It shows her what she's risking, what she's going to lose.

It show's you as a man who's willing to stand up and FIGHT for your rights in this marriage.

You appear to have been around here a long time...what's YOUR take on this?

Thank for your post, yes it is a tempting idea, especially that even she at some point said .. if I would have to choose I would not hesitate for a moment to choose you .. so maybe she is even asking for this .. for me to take a stand ....

Yet I see it as a trap, we have always been partners and we cannot pretend that suddenly I will become a Man of the Manor. She will fall into depression (been there seriously clinically) and will end up with someone new .. Maybe it is just my whimpiness .. not being a man enough to take charge, but I do not see where we would go from there. She would stay promise she will never do it again ... and nothing would change

Ask her if she is so willing to stand by her story if she is willing to risk ending your M over this. Ask her if her lies are more important than her love for you. Tell her that you only want to be married to a woman that is faithful and honest. Sit back and see what she says... if she is starting a new affair, let her know in no uncertain terms that if this happens you will divorce her. See, to me it is one thing to recover from an affair... it is quite another to sit back and watch her begin another affair.
I agree with Owl here but would ask her the questions I posed above before doing so. Either her life becomes transparent now and she participates in your life together... as a loving and trusting wife...or she gets out.
Right now, she is using her expression of love for you as a weapon against you. You need to man up here and take control of the situation by saying you will not live with a cheater and a liar. You are the one that frankly gets to set the conditions for continuing this marriage. She either comes along for the ride... which will be made all the better for both of you because of the positive changes in yur marriage... or she doesn't. The choice is hers... but the boundaries are yours.

Tomek-

I agree with MEDC's approach on asking the questions first...nothing wrong with that at all.

Hey, I'm in a "partnership" marriage too...my wife has a lot of say in how things run in our home too. If you ask my kids "who runs the house", the answer will be mom everytime.

But, she (in her foggy days) did ask me one time what would happen if this ever happened again. I told her the truth...I'd leave her so fast her head would spin. I told her I would NEVER go through the pain of her infidelity again. I bore the brunt of recovering our marriage ONCE...I won't do it again.

If you DON'T man up...what's going to happen?

Nothing. Absolutely, unequivocally...nothing.

You won't fight about it, that's for sure. But you also won't fix ANYTHING. You're going to be stuck in the exact same situation you're in now...for the rest of your life.

Is that REALLY what you want? I highly doubt it.

Its up to you...its your marriage, and your life. If you'd rather stay in the situation that you're in than risking losing her to make things better, that's up to you. It's not the choice I made...but I'm not you.

You've got my advice friend. Perhaps someone else can give you other guidance.

Question...do YOU think that your wife would be happier without you? Self-sufficient, able to make it on her own and be happier?

tomek, have you considered counseling to examine why you CHOOSE to live like this? Why do you CHOOSE to live in a marriage that has affair after affair after affair? What would motivate a person to live like that?

The problem here is not HER, it is YOU, my friend, and your bad choices.