Sorry I haven't been around here to post...a lot has happened...


July 11th I endured the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my 42 years on this Earth.

She told me the truth.

After so many lies, so much talk, so many feelings of confusion, frustration, anger and hurt...I saw a look on my wife's face that I had never, ever seen before. I saw a look on my partner's face that I never wanted to see, but I so badly needed the truth…finally…just the truth.

After talking and sharing, and asking once again for the truth as to what happened with Travis (I find no more need to call him “Tom”…His real name is Travis), there was hesitation, a long, empty, sorrow stare in her then glassy eyes, and as I saw her face struggling deeply with her heavy thoughts, I knew my deepest darkest fears were a reality.

She told me she could not say it aloud, and I told her she must. She struggled with the words…the truth…and wept as she exclaimed, “I f*cked him”.

After speaking those words to me, she trembled, and could not even look at me. I was in a surreal state, like my world had just ended in a tidal wave of dark sorrow, but with a breath of unfamiliar relief for finally hearing the truth from her lips. We talked & cried, and continue that cycle. My feelings go from a point where I think I’ll be OK, to the other end of that emotional spectrum where I am not sure about anything, and can’t breathe.

These days and nights since the 11th have been very, very hard, and continue to be the hardest of my life.


We just yesterday came back from a 4-day cruise that we had planned (and paid for) months ago…months before I found the card she wrote to Travis. I had thought that after finding out the truth about her and Travis, that the cruise would be a really bad idea. I struggled with the thought of being in a situation where a “family” should be having the “time of their lives”, knowing all too well how I felt about my world…my dark, sorrow world of pain and betrayal. Because I knew how much our kids were looking forward to the cruise, I decided (after much thought) that we should all go, and I would do my best to cope with everything. She and I agreed to go as planned. Believe me when I tell you that I had my bad moments, but my wife was supportive, and we had the opportunity to get away together, and talk without much interruption. All-in-all, I’m glad we went.

She constantly tells me she loves me and doesn’t want to live her life without me. She shows what I believe to be remorse over what she has done, and seems to be willing to be completely honest with me. When she sees that glazed look in my eyes, she is receptive to it, and always asks if I am OK, and if I’d like to talk more. I want to believe her, but she has a long way to go before she earns back my trust, and she knows this.

She says she won’t do it again, but tells me that she can’t say that with 100% certainty. For that reason, she says she wants counseling for herself, and us, both individual and together. She says she wants to do whatever it takes to never cheat again. She says she doesn’t want to “…hurt me, herself, or our family ever again”.

I want to believe her, but I cannot (and will not) remain married to a person that will continue to cheat on me, regardless of how much I love her.

I guess what I’m saying is, we’re taking it day-by-day.

FL-
Wow, I really wasn't expecting to hear that it had gone that far on that one night. I am so very sorry for you. It brought tears to me to hear that.

I am glad that she is showing remorse and wants to really work it out with counseling. But I also look back at what I posted earlier:

"Even with MC, could you forgive her for what she has done? Could you trust and believe her again?"

Could you still make it work and not put in on her and remind her everyday of it? (I'm having a hard time with this one also) She has been living with this guilt for so long, and it finally took all of this to break it out. She has hurt you worse than could possibly be imagined, and she knows it.

Good Luck,
Rummi

I guess what I’m saying is, we’re taking it day-by-day.

So how is it going today?

Ss

Thank you for asking. Not bad...Not great, but not bad. We talk a lot, and I'm really trying to understand why she did what she did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

There are so many questions, and so many feelings, but she seems to be willing to open up and tell me things that in the past she was afraid to talk about. Trust seems so long ago, and far away.

Plan on it taking around 2 years to recover from this. That is what the experts say. But it does sound like you are doing well, and I have a lot of hope for your marriage.

Keep talking, and don't let this just get swept under the rug.

Hi Florida

I'm sorry that your suspicions were realized. But, the good news is that she told you. She could have kept it to herself and just let you wonder for the rest of your life. There is also good that she wants to work so hard to recover. That is the hardest battle IMO. Good luck to you both. Recovery and forgiveness take time. The mental images will fade over time but will remain in your head. Counseling will help.

Loni

Believer is right, it often takes a long time.

Improvement may seem to be slow in coming.

Are you doing any better now, after all that you have learned?

SS

Yesterday was not so good for me, as I have been trying to put myself back into the timeframe of the wife’s first A (January 1998). I’ve been going through old cards & letters, doing internet searches for the popular TV shows and music on the radio back in late 1997 / early 1998, whatever I can do to “put myself back in that time”. I’ve been trying to figure out and remember where we were (in our relationship), and what was going on in our lives. I found old Christmas, Birthday, and Anniversary cards from her that are from that time period, and her writing inside seemed to be filled with love. I don’t understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Moreover, I realized (found the old legal letters) that 2 months prior to her A, I was being threatened by my ex. The ex was lashing out, and made some demands that were unreasonable. My wife and I fought her, and eventually won, but I cannot fathom how my wife could have done what she did, especially given the timeframe. I’d like to believe that a common enemy should have brought us closer together, and she would have been there for me when I needed her the most.

Please don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that her A’s would be excusable in any circumstance, but the pain just seems deeper now knowing the timeframe, and how we were working together toward a common goal, in addition to that’s when I really needed her strength and loyalty the most.

I feel numb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

FH-

I went through the same feelings... not understanding the how and why, trying to figure it out. I found out about my wifes affair four days after our 5year anniversary. I found a letter from her to him. In that letter was much of the same things she wrote to me in the anniversary card she just gave to me.

I am somewhat relieved that she never gave it to him, and still gave me the card. But it's still confusing how she could write that about me and him.

She also left at a time that we where at a low point... just wrecked our car and our house was broken into. But instead of bringing us closer in a hard time... she went somewhere else.

I still don't understand all of it. The only thing that has really helped me has been time. Time to forgive and let things pass. I try not to figure it all out, because when I do it just hurts and upsets me more.

I hope you can find peace within yourself and your wife.
Rummi

Have you confronted your wife about the card? I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me like they did more than just talk that night. It is up to you whether you want to escalate things to a whole new level, I personally don't think I would be able to stop myself from asking a few questions.