Well, i guess we can take a lesson in deceit from them...

You KNOW be nice on the surface, all's fine and dandy, then, do what we REALLY want to behind their back...

Equals to lies of omission...of course, now that they are not our "significant" Other (boy, that's a laugh in itself to think about that was the way it was at one point!) I guess you can't call it that!

I really don't know...I guess just be as civil as possible, hold our tongues, becasue we are going to be the ones that look bad if we say what we really feel, and don't be mad...

I really look at him with pity, I feel sooo sorry for them, ruining their lives, for what?

well, I'm wishing you the best, I'm sure that it will work out JUST great for you and the girls!

Sad and Strivin, I'm not in your situation but have recently gone through some STUFF with my H. In the midst of it, when I felt like strangling him with a list of carefully selected words (see BC' plan FU) I prayed and asked God to show me 1.how he wanted me to behave as a Godly woman in order to glorify Him, in other words (and boy this was hard) change ME and 2.How does God see this person, soften my heart to have Godly eyes when I look at him and 3. Protect me from the cr*p and reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it.

I sweetened up pretty quick after that, and not because I was putting on a happy face but because I really had a peace about it all. My feelings were still hurt and I was still angry but I also had the certainty that the battle is the Lords not mine. I found a great deal of peace and freedom in that. God will deal with these creeps....with the spirit in these aliens. As a child of God you don't have to dirty your hands with it. Just keep beeing a good mom, a good woman and praising God for getting you through. You will be Victorious!

I can certainly relate here. My date is pending...within 3 weeks. What has been interesting for me (and there are many things) is how my STBXW looks for any reason now to villify me in this process. What I have noticed is this "tude" that she projects when we have to discuss any of our outstanding issues that need to be wrapped up prior to the court date (which she seems to refuse to take care of). She treats me as though I have somehow created this mess. I guess that is still part of the WW crazies.

What I can say though is that I have learned to stop reacting, as I certainly do not want to give her any fodder whatsoever for changing things. I just keep the focus on our DD and the business at hand and leave it at that.

So..if I have any advice here it is that you may want to limit your contact as much as possible while you are waiting for the papers to be signed. The dynamic for me has been this:

"We're going to be friends and help each other out"

to

"Stop harrassing me..if you contact me again I'm going to file a restraining order"

And that happened within a two week span. The latter comment came after I told her that I really needed to get the title of the car transferred. I think it was the second time within a 7 day span that I had contacted her, and was nice, and completely non-confrontational each time.

So...things can and do get crazy. Just protect your kids and yourself from the lunacy.

Rin-The thing is, when I feel pity, I soften.... I need to be strong! But I see what you are saying about taking lessons from him, with lies of omission and all.... sounds good to me, and hey, why not? If it helps me get through the next few months.
Ahopeful-
That is really good advice, and a very good way for me to look at it. He (or I should say, his alien ways) are really not MY problem, yet I worry about him. I should say, worried. But unfortunately I still worry. But you have made some excellent points. I am going to try that. Thanks!

Honestguy-
I see what you are saying. I am worried about that. Even more so now. I am feeling cold towards him, and I cannot wait for all of this to be done and over with. The thing is, he did not agree to give me the equity of the house until I kind of just was nice to him, chit chatted with him, joked with him... almost like everything was OK with us. He is giving me what I want, and I am worried that I will not be able to keep up the dynamic of being 'his buddy, his good friend' until the end. But I HAVE to...I think. I will see.

I will admit. I was a wimp today. Just could not deal with him at all. He called to tell the girls goodnight, and I did not even answer the phone. He then called my cell phone, which he almost NEVER does. Did not answer that either. In fact, I had NO DESIRE at all to talk to him. None. Zip. The girls did not notice that the phone rang, did not ask to talk to him, so zero guilt for me!!!

Today was a good day. I am so much like my dad, it is funny! My oldest DD was not feeling good, so I gave her juice, put her in front of the TV. Took my other D outside with me. AND ... I found my secret garden!!!! Not really, but I FINALLY got the backyard in order. It was a MESS. Bushes all overgrown, weeds everywhere, grass needed to be cut... what is funny is I love to garden and if you drove by my house, you would think that I took really good care of everything... then... AHHHHH!!!!!! You look in the back, and you would be SHOCKED - grass up to your thigh, weeds everywhere..... But it took many hours, but I reclaimed it!!! Yay!!! I feel a huge, huge sense of accomplishment. It was a good productive day. And I needed that. Yay! Getting more of my stuff together!!!

Funny kid story: after I got everything done, I took the girls out to eat (I deserved it!) and I told my DD2 to get in the car already, she was dawdling.... and she said, "ok mommy, just shut up!"
I was like WHAT???? So I sternly told her not to tell anyone that. So she said, "Oh, sorry mommy". My older D asked what she said and I said nothing. My younger D told her, "I tell mommy SHUT UP!!!" and they both burst into giggles. I told them it was not nice. But inside it was actually pretty funny. The little imps!

Oh, I SEE YOU HAVE ONE OF "THOSE" too...

That was a cute story...L gets me fits with the stuff that comes out of his mouth! Stuff EXACTLY like DD2 said...I 'feel like' I'm 'forever' correcting him! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes it's JUST SOOO cute...and OF COURSE, SINCE HE"S '5', he's grown now! LMAO

LMAO...I keep telling him that I'm his motivational coach and I'm going to motive his butt if he doesn't watch out! LMAO

LMAO...seems that you can't be a displiantian (?) anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How do you get through the loneliness at night. You all seem to have gotten through this so well and all I do is hope that he comes to his senses.

Do you really know how long 24 hours are?

SG

OH, Sweetie, YOU are so close to d-day...yes the loneliness is super hard in the beginning but I promise that it gets better...

To help me through, I've called a friend, read a book, exercised, watched TV, ANYTHING...and then some times I just sat with it, accepted it...

You ARE going to be OKAY...build your support group and don't be afraid to ask for help...b/c the other peson that you are asking MAY just need YOU at that same time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are doing great, keep up the great work!

Skinsgal....
I know how it is, I felt HORRIBLE. I would be ok, until it was 8:30, and it was time for the girls to go to bed. I would watch the clock... is he going to call and tell them goodnight? If he did, I was OK... if he didn't I would be up half the night. I would be calling my friends, to talk, to do ANYTHING to get my mind off of it.

I would walk my dogs when he had the girls overnight. It did not matter if it was 1:00AM. I just HAD to get out of the house, to keep busy, or I would watch the clock, watch the phone, and then I would do the dreaded thing- CALL HIM. That was almost NEVER good....

Finally I read this one book "Obsessive Love" and I realized that was ME, not crazy obsessed, just obsessed with WHAT he was doing, WHY he was doing this. It was an eye opener. They have kind of a 2 week detox of the other person, and it really helped me start to heal. I put notes on the phone that said,"If he wanted to talk to you, he would call" and I did a few other things like that. I helped me. Then I went on anti anxiety meds. Just enough to take away the horrible feeling.

Long story... but the thing is, once I did all that, and I started to make my own life again, it really does get better. Heck, I have always been a night person, but now I enjoy my nights alone, after the kids are asleep. And there are other good things:

He used to snore and wake me up all night with it. Now I do not have that problem!

He would hog the covers, then get all sweaty, then hang all over me... grossing me out. That problem is gone too!

He would get mad if I turned the tv on in the bedroom. Now I can have it on 24/7 if I want.

I always was a night person, and I would take baths, while reading, and he would always say I "woke him up" whenever I did this. That problem? Gone too!

I can go on, and on, and on... it actually is not too bad once you get used to it. Well, I had a little help from my dog, he started to sleep next to me on the bed where WH slept. That was fine with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Trust us, it will get better, you will one day say to yourself, "you know, this is not that bad, I can live with this."

It may take 3 months, 5 months, but it WILL happen. I wish you peace in all of this. You are doing fine. There are just stages you have to go through.

I hope this helps a little....

(((((((Skinsgal)))))))

Sadmo, very well spoken...thank YOU for sharing that...great insight and YOU are a real trooper!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great post, Sadmo.

Sadmo, being nice to him doesn't mean you sit and listen to his boo-hooing, you just make nice, y'know like "Oh, that's great, well, I've got to be going, see ya.". You don't need to extend yourself.

Also, don't let him hug you if you don't want that, that's just weird, and that's not part of being nice. You are not in Plan A, you are in Plan D, so act like it. Treat him respectfully, listen and nod. Don't even let the conversation get to a point where you are talking about anything REAL. Discuss the girls, the exchanges, etc, and then walk away, or hang up with the reason that you've got to go.

STOP giving anything to him that you do not have to. Being nice isn't being a pushover, Sadmo. Don't rock the boat, but just because the phone rings doesn't mean you HAVE to answer. If he calls back at a later time, have a handy excuse at the ready (I was in the bathroom, I was running the blender, dyeing my hair, whatever...).

He knows that he is going to be receiving the papers, so he KNOWS that you are D'ing him. Just be courteous, civil, but stop giving in to his impish boyish [email]cr@p.[/email] I'm pretty sure your lawyer is not telling you to let him hug all over you and cry on your shoulder. If they are, well, I'm sorry to hear how low we must go, to usurp our own dignity.

Hold your head up, Sadmo, it's just a matter of time...

Sad and Strivn,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really need it and appreciate it and look forward to the day I can offer someone on here some advice instead of always being the one to need help.

I actually am a night person as well. That was one of the things he complained about was that I didn't go to sleep with him.

I checked out bank account and he is up to no good. I know there is a pending lawsuit against him and my daughter for a repo'd car. He used to have his paycheck auto deposited, but not since this whole mess happened. He has deposited each week almost his entire check. This week only 218.00. And he saw a recap of the bills. So, I am thinking, one that he had to come up with some money for the car, but I called the bank and he didn't take any cash out. Or the lawyer garnered his wages. Or somehow he got his check into two checks and has another bank account or is getting an attorney to file for divorce. I don't think that is happening.

However, he hasn't called me to tell me about he shortage of money and he isn't online like he has been normally. So he is either avoiding me because he thinks I will freak out or he is at an attorney.

What do you think?

SG

PS - thanks for the hug. I really needed that.

SG-
I am not really sure, it does sound like he is up to no good though.

SL- I know, what I am am afraid of is the balance seems so precarious, right now. I do not want to do anything to make him think that I am not 'COOL' with him or anything. I just want him to think that all is well is his wayward land. I told the A to get it all done ASAP. I want this done and over with!!!

On a different note, I am feeling great about him being served. Just fantastic. I feel like I am in control of me again, no more wondering what is going on, no more second guessing what is happening.

That was torture for me!

Now I know what is going on: I am getting a D. I have been by myself for a year now. I have lived, I have been ok, I have handled everything ok. So it is great. I CAN do it, I have been doing it, and I feel like me... I am not oppressed by an unhappy M, and I am not struggling to 'fix' our R.

And it is BETTER. It is GOOD. I am at peace with it all. I feel alive again. I had not realized what a noose was around my neck with the whole unhappy M. I have had many people tell me I look so happy, I look younger (I LOVE that!), and I look really good, what have I done? And it is true, I saw pictures of myself 2 years ago, and I looked older, sad, and just blah. In newer pictures, I am smiling, I look nicer, and it makes me happy.

I never thought that getting a D would be the answer for me, but I think that it just may have been the right thing. I really was not happy with him the last several years. And he was not happy. The thing is, is he did not want to make US happy, just himself. Selfish. So it is best that he goes to the wayside.

Yesterday at work I had to do this silly side project, and I had to lift heavy bags of mulch. I was getting them out of my car, and one of the customers that comes to my job saw me, and he ran over and told me that this was no job for a lady... he then took all of the mulch out of my car, helped me put it down, and we chatted. And all I could think is, WOW, there are some nice, decent men out there! WH would have let me take it out, put it down, and he would have sat there! What is great is that I was getting to the point where I was like, 'are there any decent men out there anymore (except for MB men of course :-))? And I have seen signs of many good men out there. Good people, and it makes me happy. I was afraid that I had become too jaded, and I haven't. So it is all wonderful!!!!

As my one friend always tells me: Don't try to hurry God's plans for you. That you will be shown and provided with what you need when God thinks you need it. Not when YOU think you need it. SO true.

Anyway, I have decided to have a happy party now! I am feeling good, life is good, my kids are great, my job is great, I have a good life! YES!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am happy for you today. Life is going to be sooooooo much better!!!!!!! You deserve it!

HURRAY, LMAO, I wish I could type that bigger! And you talk about me being upbeat and in good spirit...well, lady, it looks great on YOU!

I am SOOO happy to hear this, and I completely agree with your sitch about being unhappy the last several years and that HE was not interested in helping make US happy...only himself and the selfishness that comes with it...that's what I SEE in my case also and it FEELS SO great to let them go...well, let him go, in my case!

I haven't felt this great in years and LMAO...had I been able to face the truth, I would have done this a long time ago, but like your friend said, God gives you what HE thinks you need when you need it, not the other way around...

I was also concerned with the whole nice guy thing and then I met some this weekend...holding doors open, etc. Talk about a great feeling to add to what I was already feeling...

The best part for me in this whole thing, is I left becasue of me, not FOR someone else, and that I'm not interested in finding someone else in a hurry...I have my own stuff to deal with first, wanting to make sure that I don't jump off the same cliff I did when I married POWS...

I am SOOO proud of you, you are definitily someone that ANYONE would want to be with! How awesome is that? That's how I feel about myself, anyone would want to be with me! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I am STILL in a good mood, in good spirits.....

How Great is that????

I have been having fun, going out with friends once a week, spending time with my girls, and being happy, and content.

I have lost some more weight (YAY!) bought some new, cute clothes (I wish I had a source for clothes like Rin), and I am doing fine.

You know what throws me? That this is MY house, MY life. I think, "wow. I have this nice house, two wonderful children, a good job, friends, great family.... what more CAN I ask for? What throws me off once in a while is that I was WITH someone else for so long, and now it IS all about me and my kids. Not some other adult... so that has its advatages and disadvantages...

WH is still being nice, still being ok. I am not calling him, or seeking him out at all. In my mind, a switch was turned, and BAM! I was let out of MY cage...

I was suddenly FREE. Free to act without thinking of WH, of how it would affect US. And that is good!

Now, I can completely relate to that feeling of being freed! and if you are feeling anything like I'm feeling you are high on life...

i can tell you that it feels SOO great to be able to do the things that I want to do and not have to answer to someone else! My life revolved around POWS, not the kids, not me, but POWS for SOOO long...

What he did determined what we did, what mood he was in determined what mood we were in...it was like walking on egg shells for me...not sure if it was like that for you, but it was for me...

And now, I don't have to worry about if I do this, then what will he do...it was like living with the Mad Hatter sometimes...

Now, I don't get asked "what's wrong with you?" I mean even when I was in a great mood, he would manage to turn that around, or should I say I let him turn that around...

What, you don't have any friends who work in retail? You need to wrok on that! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You're not planning on being in the next "girls gone wild" video, huh? I'll have to come track you down if that's the case, put you back in a LARGER cage! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, it's great to hear that you are so upbeat! I myself am SOOO excited about life and the road ahead...even with the bump of D...

Look forward to hearing from you!
Rin

Rin,

Actually I just got done filming a 'girls gone wild' video.... How did you know??? I got $5.00 for it, and a lot of new boyfriends! LOL! AND.... they ALL like me for my MIND! LOL!

I know what you mean. My life revolved around STBXH for so long too. I lost MY identity. But, I am getting it back, slowly but surely....And, I do not have to worry about what is going on with him, what he is thinking, why he is being weird.

Now I know what he is thinking......."whoosh, whoosh...." (supposed to be the sound of air between two ears), and I know that I cannot trust him. AT ALL.

But... he does not realize that. And that is what makes it better for me. I finally am on to him!!!

Funny side note. I have decided that while the D is going through, I will listen to him ramble, I will chit chat with him. I WILL NOT CALL him, I will NOT have anything to do with him at all, other than what situation HE puts himself in. Meaning, that I will NOT ask him to watch the kids, if he offers, I will accept. What is interesting is that he talks and talks, more than he did in the last year or so of our M. And then the other day, he told me, "well, You are the one person in the whole world that I know I can trust. If I say something to you about someone, I know that you will not blab it, if I needed you, I know that you would be there." That was met by silence on my part. He then hurried up, and started to talk about something else. What is weird now is that he is trying to get ME to talk, to ramble, and I just do not want to really talk to him about anything other than the girls, and he keeps asking me questions about this and that. But, the way I see it, he does not need to know anything about me at all. It is not necessary information for him.

But, as the expression goes, "It's all good!"

LOL!

OHHHH! This nails is for me too! God, that speaks volumes! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OKay! Scary! We are so on the same page...but in my case, when he talks about the boys it is usually something I can use against him in court! There's that air in the tunnel! LMAO

Like beau says: SWEET! That's life for me!

Good God lady, the next thing I'll hear from you is that you are going watch the Chippendales!

psst! :whispering: They're not all that great! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm trying to get up a lunch today with my friend who's a paralegal...she was so happy when I left H...she stopped coming around b/c of him! Go figure!

Must have been the air...the HOT AIR!

Well, I'll be around, have to get some more coffee in me! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Hey, I was thinking that your name doesn't fit you anymore...no longer Sad...how about joyful...or happy...or excited...LMAO

Can you tell I have some time on my hands today? The bosses are out of town and I'm running the show, so it's nice and quiet...relaxing!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />