Would you trust your FWH or FWW if they refused to take a polygraph test?

I've heard various things about the tests. I've read where they're more reliable than people think. But for now, that's really not the issue.

If you felt you needed your spouse to take the test to ease your fears, and they refused, would you be able to trust them?

#1.. the test is not the issue ....the situation thats led u to believe ur H needs to take a poly is the issue...if u suspect u H is involved in an adulterous relationship..u need to start snooping and get the proof u need to Expose it...there are some great threads on snooping and spying u might need to look up.

never in a million years. My IC met with me and my ex and while she swore that she was telling the truth...swore on her child...she refused to take the test on grounds that she didn't feel there was any place in a relationship for them.... right, she was lying and it was proven later on. She admitted that she knew she would fail the test and there was no way she would take it....
My IC highly recommends them... it is a way to verify that all the imprtant details are out. They are highly accurate despite what you might here. We made extensive use of them in the PD and the reliability is fantastic.
So, a short answer is ... NO!

Is this a trick question?

My answer is a resounding "NO".

I told my FWH that I wanted him to take a polygraph test because I don't believe he's telling me the truth about all his infidelities.

I made it a boundary of mine last night to stay in this marriage. When I told him that last night, he said, "Well, I'll move out this weekend".

After going all day without hearing from him, I sent him an e-mail and asked him if he'd rather get a divorce than to take a polygraph test. He said, "I've made my choice, you've made yours."

And now, he says that even if I changed my mind about it, when I don't think I would, he doesn't want to come back anyway and "jump through my hoops".

Two weeks before we were married, he was unfaithful. I forgave him because he was drunk and promised to never do it again. We were distant our whole marriage. Let's just say, he had a lot of unaccounted time during our marriage and he used internet porn and flirted a lot. He didn't like or respect me pretty much our whole marriage.

A few months before d-day, I decided I was going to snoop on him and finally figure out once and for all if he was being unfaithful. I discovered an EA/PA and an EA with another woman at this time.

It doesn't add up to me. Right before our wedding he was unfaithful. The 1st time I really started snooping, 12 yrs later, I found two affairs. Seems logical there were more in between.

I have already thought about what I would do if I found out there were more infidelities, but that doesn't matter now. He doesn't think this is gonna work because I'm asking for too much here. I don't think I am.

I feel like dying. My world is crumbling around me.

No, I would not trust him.

He's hiding something or he wouldn't be refusing to take the test.

Get to snooping!

Mopey,
I'm sorry to hear this. Transparency is paramount. He's holding on to something. Probably more A's.

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust him.

He's going to play chicken up until the last possible minute. Don't back down from your boundaries.

He needs to step up to the plate and take the polygraph. It will also serve to CLEAR HIM if he is innocent.

mopey, when was D-day?

I am a FWW and would GLADLY take a polygraph test...I would also be glad to have a GPS put on my car and a keylogger on my computer...I have nothing to hide...I take every opportunity that I get to show Mr. W how trustworthy I am...It is probably more important to me, than to Mr. W at this point...My integrity is something that I will never sacrifice again...

Mopey, I'm sorry to say that your "F"WH hasn't earned that "F"...Sadly he remains a WH even if he isn't currently involved in an affair...

(((Mopey)))

Mrs. W

Thanks to all who replied. Right after my last post I had to go pick up my car at the shop, then I went to see a girlfriend of mine for a few hours to try to pull myself together.

I'm home now and am feeling quite numb.....and like this whole thing is surreal.

We were sooooooo close to getting the life I've always wanted with my H. For the first time in 12 yrs, we finally started connecting and having a more intimate relationship. We were practically room mates before d-day.

Gabie.....I highly doubt my WH (crying now for the lack of "f") is presently in an A. I honestly don't think he would ever do that to me or anyone else again. It's my gut feeling on past infidelities (pre d-day) that is the issue, and his unwillingness to make me safe with it.

MEDC.....thanks for the input. I've done some research myself and I think polygraphs are more reliable than people think.

Resilient.....Thanks...it's kinda how I felt too. Should have been an easy answer of "yes", hunh?

Coachswife......I'm afraid he may be hiding something too, but from the past. But I think I'm done snooping. I don't want to stay in a relationship if I feel I have to snoop.

Michele....thanks for the kind words and the validation.

JMWC.....I know I can't change my boundaries. It hurts so bad that he's rejecting me like this.

Melody....thank you for the validation also. I'm not exactly sure when my exact d-day was. All I know is that is was the beginning of Sept, 06. It's been around 10 months.

Mrs. Wondering.....last but definitely not least.....I have been meaning to tell you that I have admired the way you have treated your and your H's recovery. A while back, I read what you did for your H when he first found out. I cried. I think you deserve all the admiration people on these boards give you, including myself.

My heart sank thinking about dropping the "F". My H was becoming the man of my dreams and all I wanted to do was fill his.

I don't know when I'll get back on. I have a hard time posting regarding my own sitch when I'm this down. I'm not a drinking woman hardly ever, but now, I'm going to soak in a hot bath and drink a bottle of wine by myself....and hopefully cry.

Thanks everybody. H just got home to collect his things. Gotta go.

My palms are sweating and my hands are shaking so bad I am having a hard time just writing this.

July 14, 2007 was D-day #3.

All day on Friday, through his e-mails, and most of the day Saturday (he was at his ofc ALL DAY) he was a mean and very cold person. He wanted nothing to do with the test and told me if we were going to stay together that I would have to forget about the test and forget about his affairs and "move into the future". His e-mails were so cold and hateful.

Finally, Saturday evening, I guess after a lot of thinking, he decided to "come clean".

This is what he confessed to in addition to what I already know.....

Somewhere in our first two years of marriage when he was drinking, he gave one of our neighbors, who is totally gross, a long kiss. She pushed him away. I lived across the street from this woman for the next 7 yrs. I feel so humiliated.

While we were seriously dating, he made out with a girl he worked with on many occasions. Supposedly they didn't sleep together because the girl wouldn't let him go that far. He wanted to. I am humiliated. I knew this girl and I knew she had a crush on him, but again, she was so gross that I didn't think I had to worry about her at all.

He told me he had feelings for another woman that he worked with years ago but he didn't do anything about it. ??????

Told me he had internet sex three times with another girl that he met in an online game and that they had been exchanging e-mails until right before d-day. That e-mail relationship lasted about 2 years. He also told me he saw a picture of her and that she was fat and not very attractive and used her for the sex but that he didn't have any kind of real attraction to her. Supposedly the sex went on the same time as his 4 month affair with the girl he left me for a few years ago. He met both girls through the same online game he was playing.

Now.....these new infidelities that he confessed to were in the beginning of our marriage when he was drinking and near the end when he left me several years ago for the OW.

Again.....he reports no infidelities in the interim of the beginning of our marriage up to when he had his internet affairs a few years ago.

I still don't believe he has told me everything.

I am shocked and feel sick to my stomach that my H was such a low life scum and has been lying to me after everything we've been through since I found this site 10 months ago. That's the way I feel. Because he has been lying to me after all of this, I no longer can separate who he was to who he is now. He is still a liar and I'm dropping his "F". He admits to not giving a damn about the consequences during all of his infidelities. He was willing to lose me with each incident, and he didn't care.

Now, supposedly he cares. But how could he? I told him a boundary of mine was lying shortly after d-day. A few months later at Christmas, he confessed to lying about some of the details regarding the affairs he had already told me about. That was a difficult time and I told him then that I couldn't stay married to guy who lied to me. And he's been continuing to lie to me this whole time. No wonder our recovery has gone the way it has.

And now, if I don't keep my boundary and leave him, I believe even he will not respect me, much less me not respecting me.

I am so disgusted and confused I don't know what to do next.

I have been too upset to post and respond back to anyone. But I will tell you that I agree with what EVERYONE has posted here.

I will feel disgusted that I have to go through with the polygraph if I choose to stay in the marriage but how can I? He crossed my boundary twice already. He has agreed to a polygraph, but he's been known to change his mind sometimes.

I'm confused because I think he really does love me now. But the tables have turned. I don't know if I love him anymore, or at least enough to keep going. For the 1st time since the original d-day, he listened to me after this latest confession without getting defensive.

I don't know what to do. I want to run away somewhere and just think.

Mopey,

This is where that clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience comes in. Do NOT make any life changing decisions right now.

If he really loves you and wants to come clean HE needs to show it by his actions. No CA (conflict avoiding) stance. He needs to show by his ACTIONS that he is truly repentant and win back your trust.

For you the hardest thing t/d is wait and see if he is doing so, then decide if you really want him back.

Call Steve ASAP for a plan.

From what you posted, I am not sure if he is really confessing or giving you some info while doing another A. He may want to divert your attention to the old A's whlie he spawns another. Let him know you seriously doubt he is truly coming clean or just trying to divert you. I will tell you if his reaction is mean and cold, it is an instant indicator he is having another A that he did NOT tell you about. If he is truly repentant, it w/b reflected in his response. If he is a good liar it maybe hard to tell, so watch the eyes.

take care,
L.

make sure the polygraph exam is still ont he table...
most likely he threw you some "scraps" to get you off the topic... but trust me, there is a lot more to be known.

Insist that the test is taken within a week and sit back and watch his response. I would NOT call SH yet... not until your H either commits to the test or rejects the idea. If he commits and passes the test... you have a reason to contact SH. If he will NOT take the test or fails, you really have nothing to talk to Steve about. Just my opinion.