You are obviously married to someone who dances to his own drummer. It could very well be that he was really bent on divorce because he thought you would reject him at some point in life - age difference. So when instead of divorcing him or leaving him, you instead confessed to having affairs, were swearing off affairs and attempting to rebond with him. Now that would blow his mind.

He has a job in October. That gives him some sort of security if the two of you can hold things together that long. There is also the issue of kid(s).

He is probably going to have a delayed hit. Watch for it.

Larry

Larry,

That's exactly what he told me during one of his divorce threats when he bought that business. He said I'd divorce him later anyway and better now than after he has a successful business. To me it was complete crazy talk.

And yeah I'll be watching for that delayed hit. I sometimes have a delayed reaction when someone I know dies.

I think you know why I am saying this; he has never completely believed that his marriage to you is real. Even with children, he has waited for the other shoe to fall. He doesn't seem to understand that you married him for him and that your affairs were acts of immaturity that had nothing to do with being married to him or not.

You had the security of a marriage with him and that left you free to practice your hedonism without the emotions of an attachment that might have trapped you in that scene.

Does that sound right?

You are going to be hanging by your fingernails for a while, I suspect.

Larry

Larry,

Yeah that sounds about right. I was compartmentalizing my life to such an extent I thought crazy things like, "my other sexual relationships have nothing to do with my husband." I was living in two worlds at once and fully believed that neither would influence the other as long as I never got caught. Once I saw that belief being challenged I was on my way back to my home world for good.

I am so saddened by the thought that he never believed our marriage was real even in the beginning. And it would make me angry if he thought I married him for his money - not that he was rich or anything in the first place, just better off than me.

He had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I suspect it's my fault and plan to give him an opportunity to vent in safety (without me saying anything) if that's what he wants.

I did what I said I planned. I gave him an opportunity to vent but he said even if he was totally convinced my theory about his insomnia was correct, he was too tired to take me up on it tonight. I told him okay, but consider it a standing invitation.

I got a reply from my NC letter to the ex-bf. He said not only does he understand but he wishes me well and that this would be his last contact. That's the best outcome I could have gotten. I felt relieved because it tells me he's going to be okay. I got silence from my NC letter to my first OM. I know that's good because it's what's necessary but I worry occasionally. I'm sure it'll pass in time, though.

Aphaeresis,

I just wanted to jump in and say "Good job!" You do seem to be getting it.

Keep up the good work.

BTW,don't worry about what past B/Fs are doing or thinking. Worry about your H right now; he needs all of your attention for a while, but don't forget the kids.

Carry on!

Mark

Aphaeresis,

What you have been doing takes a lot of patience and resilience. What else could there be to say but: you're doing great and keep on working. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The rewards will be great...and it'll all be worth it.

Lots of luck to you.

Thanks Mark and passionpeach <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and everybody <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nothing new yet. When will I notice some change? 3 months?

I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what. Or maybe I'm just being impatient, I'm not sure.

Aphaeresis,

It could be a while before you begin to notice small improvements. Plan A is all about patience, so you'll learn a lot about that.

Resist the temptation to try to run headlong into "fixing" the M. Build NEW love between you by spending time together doing things not related to problem solving. Have some "dates" even if they are just sitting on the sofa watching a movie after kids are asleep. Show as much affection as he will allow and watch for signs of him responding in any positive way. Note the circumstances when he responds in good ways and try to duplicate the results by repetition.

Beware of resentment over past hurts. While they need to be dealt with, many of them will slip away if things improve in the future. Avoid bringing up past hurts like the plague, because they are a plague that will destroy efforts to rebuild love and trust. Once you are both in love with each other again, problems can be tackled one at a time and you may even find that the solution to one resolves others.

Keep working on YOU and let him see the changes. Lead by example and hopefully he will follow.

Hang in there! It might just work out yet...

Mark

Mark,

Thanks. I'll do that.

update - My last OM emailed me today. I had already told him when he moved away that it was over because I'd be working on my marriage so I did not expect any contact. But I think he got too attached even though we agreed at the time it was just about sex.

Anyway, I told my husband about the email, said I was deleting it and telling him because I didn't want him to think I was hiding anything. Then I deleted it without sending any response. My husband didn't say much - just the usual stuff about needing to have a long talk when there's not a big financial crisis looming over us.

Aphaeresis,

Good work! Small changes make the difference. Honesty is one of the keys. If you remain honest, it will begin to show him that you are changing and he might just make changes himself.

FWIW, I do think that if you wait until there is nothing stressful before discussing serious issues, you'll never get around to them. There will always be something that needs attention. It's like owning a house; something always needs repair, painting or cleaning. But a marriage is the same way; something always needs to be addressed.

Keep up the good work!

Mark

Given the current financial situation you have, it would appear that husband is using his noodle. Focus on first making sure food and shelter is taken care of, then worry about the rest. Based on what you have already done, he isn't much worried about you bailing on him, which, in my opinion, is a huge surprise to him.

Larry

Thanks, everyone. I will be offline for a little bit. We are leaving for my old place tomorrow night so he can help me move out. He's taking his one week vacation time. There is another computer at the house, so I might be online but it depends on when we pack up that computer. Otherwise, I'll be back on in August when we come back here. Later!

Aph,

I'm impressed by your progress. And I'm still praying for you. Hope I'm not too late with these greetings....I've been reading but not posting since so many more knowledgeable folks have been sharing insights with you.

At least you'll see this sooner or later.

Ace

thanks, Ace.

UPDATE: affection is back. Why so soon? I have no idea.

He's probably been waiting a very long time for this honesty from you.

People who love someone who is being unfaithful always know somewhere in their hearts, and would give their eye teeth to hear the truth from their spouse. And that you are determined to build this marriage into something special. It probably means a great deal to him.

It might fascilate for awhile though, until it all becomes more real to him. Until he can trust that it is for real and lasting.

Ana:

Slowly but surely, the M returns.

Keep working!

LG

Hi all,

We're back in town but not settled yet. The extended stay hotel we had reservations for lost our reservation and there is a big Harley Davidson convention around here. So we're moving around a bit until we find something longer term. I was hoping to have my computer all set up, but for now I'm using the public library machines.

Anyway, as for my husband...things seem almost normal. He definitely seems happier, so weaver, you are probably right. I wish now that I had known that he knew. I would have quit sooner.