WH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 1/2 years. He has DS-11 from previous R, I have DD-13 from previous R, we have DD-7 and DS 3. The first 2 years of our marriage was great. The next few rocky. It got a little better but not great. The last 2 years have been okay at best. We co-exist, but not happily.

Last summer he started taking 'trips' for work about once a month. He had weekends where he would stay out til 4 or 5 a.m. I asked if he was cheating, he said no. New Years Eve, he said he was staying in. He abruptly decided to leave out. He came home at 7 a.m. At this point, I am sure he is unfaithful. We hadn't had sex since September, along with him staying out til all hours and all these work trips. Times he'd be sitting out in the garage, talking on the phone. Times where he'd be on the phone but hang up when I came in. Times when oldest DD would say he spends hours on the phone when I'm not home.

I started to follow him after work, some weekends. I eavesdropped on phone conversations. His cell phone bill does not come to the house and he keeps it locked. I found nothing. But I knew.

Last week he left his cell phone at home, and it was unlocked. I found text messages to an OW. Full of I love you's and I miss you's and I can't wait to be with you. Texts from her that she loves him and misses him. I called her, heard her voice, hung up. Began calling her from his phone, but she wouldn't answer. I assume he told her it was me calling. I went to confront him at work. He took his phone back. Told me we'd talk later. I proceeded to Expose the A. I went to his parents, my parents, called our friends, everyone. His mother was upset that I was telling everyone. His friends claimed to know nothing.

This is a woman he's known for years. I never liked the friendship. I met her once. He never brought her around again. He told me he loves her. That he is in love with her. That he does not want to leave her. That our problems are not about her but are about what's broken between us. That we are no good for each other. That he has been unhappy with our marriage for 2 years. That he is only here for the children. That he didn't mean for me to see those messages and he is sorry for my hurt but he loves this woman.

We've talked and talked. He will not tell me that he won't see her again. He is pushing for separation. To get our debt paid off and sell the house so we can split and live our lives.

Is there anything left for us?

A good question that you will help to answer. You have not told us if you WANT to save the marriage. You have described a marriage where you each co-exist. Presumably, his affair activity is likely a major source of intimacy loss but I kind of get the feeling that things have been “off” for a very long time. You have described a marriage that for 6-1/2 years was “rocky” at best. Not surprisingly that creates the perfect recipe for infidelity. So, the question remains, what do you want?

You also describe that you have had extensive conversations with him following your discovery of the affair. He told you that he loves someone else and only remained in the marriage for the sake of the children. Now that the affair is exposed he is willing to leave you for the other woman. Is she too married?

The exposure of the affair places pressure on it that it has never before had to endure. In effect, you have “rocked” their secret world. But none of this will come to any resolution until you decide what it is that you want from your husband and how that will play into an ongoing relationship or marriage with him.

Do you think that you love him anymore? Would you like to restore the love that existed in the first two years of your marriage or do you want something different?

The answer to your question, “Is there anything left for us?” depends first on what you want and then on what your husband may want. I assure you, at this point he may think he knows what he wants but that could change very rapidly depending on what it is that YOU want and how resolved you are to achieving it.

Recovery is not for sissies. There is much help here but first YOU must decide what you want.

Mr. G

I am not one of the experts around here, but I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain. It hurts when someone you love betrays you in this way. It must have been so awful to read those text messages, and then to hear him say those things to you.

Again, I'm not an expert, but do you think you could get him to go to counseling, perhaps by saying that you want to end things in a healthy manner, rather than just abruptly stop being married? That is the way, I think, you will find what may be left for you.

"Do you think that you love him anymore? Would you like to restore the love that existed in the first two years of your marriage or do you want something different?"

I do love him. I asked him if we could I'd go back to 2000. Everything was wonderful.

I just couldn't believe this. I didn't think this would happen. I knew something was going on. He has had weekends of staying out til 4 or 5 a.m. More trips out of town. She lives a few hundred miles away. The day after I found out, he STILL went to see her! I don't know if she is married or not. I think she is. I only have her cell phone number. I don't know her full name or address or anything. I would sure like to tell her husband what she has been up to!

The rocky period started around the time of the first child of this marriage, would that be right? The 'OK at best' period seems to have happened after the birth of the second child.

Mpep's relationship with her WH seems to have started not long after the birth of WH's child of his first marriage.

Might just be an odd coincidence, but it seems to me that this man has problems to do with fatherhood.

Mpep, did your marriage begin as an affair, or was your WH divorced at the time?

TA

??

Oh no! He was single (never married his ex GF). Their son was born when they were 20 years old. She was & still is such a nutcase. I met him when his DS was about a year old. We married a year later.

He is a FANTASTIC dad. I admit that my childhood was a little different in that we didn't have real "family" life. We all sort of just "lived". He really does the day-to-day stuff with the kids. I usually use that time as "me time".

He was ecstatic when our DD was born. Afterwards, he asked me to get a tubal. He said he did not want any more children. I put it off. We got pregnant with DS. Immediately after DS was born, WH got a vasectomy.

.

Were he and his ex GF living together when he met you?

TA

No. They weren't together anymore.

It seems to me there is a possible correlation between fatherhood and losing interest in the relationship with his partner. Does that seem plausible to you?

If so, there are deeper psychological issues here than simple missing ENs.

TA

WOW. I never thought about that.

Wow. I'm floored. That is a very interesting concept. His father wasn't around much during his childhood. He always says he's "afraid he COULD be like him"

By all means, let’s let her husband know what’s going on. Let’s get this affair out into the light of day and that will place enormous strain on it. It will force your husband and his mistress to act in the real world where real problems exist. So, expose the affair, do whatever you must to find her address and telephone number and EXPOSE it.

What is very important for you is to understand WHY you are exposing. Yes, you are doing it to kill the affair but there is a reason much deeper and more profound than just that.

You are exposing the affair to save your marriage. You are doing it because a husband belongs with his wife and children. You are doing it because you remember the love that you once shared and that “love” and family have forever bound you to him. You are doing it because you know that what you once had you can have again. You need to understand these facts because your husband will likely attack you for exposing the affair and causing great pain to this other woman whom he is attached to. When he attacks you, you can somberly tell him that you did it for “love” nothing more, nothing less. Did this affair reveal to you just how much you really loved your husband? I bet you had forgotten how important he was to you. Perhaps he has forgotten too, let’s help him to remember.

Are you familiar with “emotional needs”, the love bank and love busters? If you haven’t yet, please read about them in this web site. There is a wealth of information here and it is all very critical that you fully understand these concepts. I think you will find them enormously interesting. While you are reading you will see many references to something called “Plan A”. Plan “A” is important to you because YOU will be living it beginning “right now”. It will require tremendous strength from you because it asks that you show your husband only a caring, considerate, compassionate and loving side all the while, while you are hurting more than you every have before. The Plan requires you to try and satisfy his more important emotional needs even though he may be resisting and untrusting of your motives. It takes great strength and resolve but I am willing to bet that your desire to save your marriage will see you to the other side.

The one thing that the Plan does not ask of you however is that you are to do nothing to help enable his affair activity and you are to do everything to discourage it, all with a loving compassionate demeanor. Let him see the “new” mpep.

Your husband is “fogged-out” with infatuation over what he thinks is “true love”. It is your objective to help him see that it is best that he agree to separate himself from the addiction with the other woman because only then can the fog and addiction be broken. You are after NO CONTACT with the other woman but I suspect that that road is a ways off right now.

Plan “A” can require weeks and up to months or more but there will be a time limit that will reveal itself as events unfold.

Keep your chin up,

Mr. G

thank you mr. G.

He is already very upset that I called her. He told me to stop calling her. Why is he protecting HER?

I asked him if he would turn his back on his family so easily. He said that he can still be a good parent, even if he is not here with the kids.

Plan A, does this teach me how to help him see what we really mean to him? It hurts to hear "I'm only here for my children" from the man that I love.

It is very simple really; he is addicted to the feelings that the affair has created. He was once attracted to you in much the same manner. He calls those feelings “love” but the reality is that they are possible to recreate with almost ANYONE. There is nothing special about what he has with this other woman. This is good news for you in that it is your objective to recreate those “feeling” between the two of you and that can happen again if we can get him to come to the party. Before that can happen we must break the affair in two. “Love” is nothing more than the way you and another person behave towards each other, i.e. you behave in a loving fashion, caring, watching and doing all the thing that lovers do. That is how “love” is born.



It is easy for him to rationalize the hurt that he is causing, or will cause. As you see, he has “all the answers”. He likely sees himself as a victim of a dysfunctional marriage. He will use small “truths” to justify his conclusions and thus his behaviors. The pull of the other woman is very strong and right now, he will do most anything to preserve it. You want to create an atmosphere where all of the things he needs, wants or desires are available through YOU. Your basic appeal to him is to convince him to make an honest effort to preserve the marriage for the good of everyone. Unfortunately, you are attempting to sell him something but he is not in a buying mood. Still, you may find that he might agree to give the marriage a “go” even though he believes it might be fruitless. It will be difficult for him not give the marriage and the children a second chance especially if you are open to understanding the problems that have existed in the past and are willing to help try and correct them.



Yes it will help. The exposure of the affair thus far has given him much to think about and he likely wants to do the right thing, he is just lost in his fog of the other woman and “right thing” is hidden from him. We will help him to see what the “right thing” is.



Yes, that is indeed a sad, sad thing to have to endure. It breaks my heart to read it. But know this; that view can change. Please try not to despair too much. It takes time for the affair to break and there is no easy path for you. Marriage counseling can play a huge role in helping to add additional baggage to his affair. If you can convince him to attend a few sessions then that will be a huge accomplishment.

Remember this and don’t forget it. Your marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time. The reasons are likely numerous and both parties’ share blame for the conditions that have caused this deterioration. Regardless of what has brought you to this stage, it is HE that gets 100 percent credit for making the decision to have an affair. He alone is responsible for the affair. Are you listening? HE ALONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR.

Mr. G