Very well put, I don't that i will expose the affair. Like I said in an eariler post, I think that I'm being evil and I have a bad heart motivation behind it.

sweet told you EXACTLY what an foggy wayward troll would tell you about exposing.

She played on your FEARS.

She wouldn't "knowingly date a vengeful person"...because I suppose she only likes to sleep with numerous happily married men who are not interested in any kind of relationship...just sex.

I've thought about this all night.

YOU MATTER

YOU will regret not exposing the truth

The harm
The evil
The hurt

was perpetuated by your wife...NOT YOU

To allow them to continue on with their adulterous relationship and interact with others unaware is to participate in evil.

You tell others for 3 reasons.

1. YOU matter. You don't have to keep their secret. People who hurt people....hurt people. As a christian we are called to judge other christians. We can't condemn them but we can certainly judge their immoral and sinful behaviors. I think YOU will benefit from a public cleansing of this secret...of the Lie that is their relationship...by seeking and sharing the truth with others even if not meant to save your marriage (btw...one never knows what God has in store for us...others here have saved their marriages YEARS after the affair and divorce when the fog clears).

2. She matters...the sooner she ends her affair (which can/will be facilitated by exposure) the sooner she can become repentent and apologize to you for the harm she caused. You likely won't reconcile...but in your final act of care for her...for her soul and eternity...you do the exposure to HELP HER. She won't repent until the affair is over...help her/them end it with this GESTURE, so that she may repent before it's too late.

4. Others matter. As Melody Lane pointed out above. We are called to let other Christians know of sinful behavior of a fellow believer. Others that WW and OM work with and interact with need to know the nature of their sick and destructive relationship that was built upon lies, deceipt and betrayal. Their sickness manifests itself in many ways and MAY/WILL hurt those that associate with them. Others may be hurt unwittingly by your silience. Like I said above...people who hurt people (YOU) will continue on to hurt other people. Warn them.

Unlike sweet above...I think exposure is essential in the process of YOUR personal recovery. It's standing up for yourself saying "I'm important and I won't allow others to hurt me, crush me, betray me and just stand by in utter silience" (which you will surely regret as you regret not having exposed last September). Sure it may feel a bit vengeful or mean...but you release that anger and thoughts of vengence and HURT in the process of speaking the truth. The Truth SHALL set you free to move on.

Don't buy into Sweets fear based post above.

Sure you MAY wait until after the August 3rd hearing...you've waited this long...nothing wrong with a few more days. But YOU are worth more than $18,000. (which you are in no way jeopardizing...unless you feel she is paying you for your silence!!!).

Good luck...you seem to be looking for reasons why not to expose. Sweet will keep giving them to you no doubt. Doing nothing seems easier. It's conflict avoidance. But it's not healthy. You have been wronged. Standing up for yourself will be cathertic (sp?). It can be drafted carefully to edit out hurt and vengence and instead fill it with concern, care and love.

You won't ever regret doing the right thing.

Mr. Wondering

Ok, now I'm so confused, but MrWondering I have talked to my lawyer about this and he told me to send the letter after mediation next Friday.

And it seems that most people here say that I should expose this at her work. I will post a draft copy on here when I type it up.

Post the letter.

Might want to put some "care" in there.

Such as...

The purpose for the exposure, although the divorce is apparently imminent, is the hope that one day your soon to be ex-wife will become truly repentent to you and apologize to you for the hurt and betrayal she has wrought upon you which can only happen, despite any words to the contrary, once she takes action and ends her adulterous ways. Perhaps you (speaking to the people you expose to) could encourage her to end such adulterous relationship and repent regardless of the outcome of your relationship.

Mr. Wondering

a relationship built upon lies, betrayal and the hurt of others is a recipe for disaster. It hurts and will continue to hurt not only me but my wife, OM and those that come into contact with them as long as it continues. God forbid such a sinful relationship result in the bearing of children. Such relationships are tenuous at best and are no place for children. Statistically, such marriages only have a 3% 5 year survival rate so even if you don't feel inclinded to shun them for their adulterous behavior perhaps you would strongly encourage them to delay bringing children to their relationship for at least 5 years.

Mr. Wondering

Hi there, SG --

I'm not clear on one thing. You DO want reconcilliation with your wife, or you do NOT want reconcilliation with your wife?

1) If you want reconcilliation:

a) The point of exposure is to end the affair, and in that case purposefully engaging yourself in your soon-to-be EX's workplace, to end the affair, makes a great deal of sense;
b) If you want reconcilliation, it is also IMPERATIVE that you find some way to fend off, or postpone the divorce. Reconcilliations do occasionally happen after divorce is final, but it's much, MUCH more difficult.


2) If you NO LONGER WANT RECONCILLIATION then ...
a) Why would you emotionally entangle yourself in this mess any longer?
b) You write that "I have talked to my lawyer about this and he told me to send the letter after mediation next Friday." This means he DOES feel that your soon-to-be-ex will be angered enough to jeopardize the mediation. Lawyers are businessmen. He is telling you this for a reason. Did the lawyer tell you it was a good thing to send the letter, or that you simply should not do it until after mediation? Is this an attorney who has done anything at ALL to help you reconcile with your wife, or is simply processing the divorce for fees (in other words, he doesn't get paid until you end your marriage)????

Do NOT act negatively out of fear (or to revenge another poster's heartbreak). Act positively in order to achieve a desired result.

Decide what result it is you want .... and THEN choose the appropriate action.

What do you want FIVE years from now? To say you got in one last final lick to punish your wife after you'd grabbed your $18,000?

What do you want FIVE years from now? Is it to be married to this same person? Or NOT?

Different goals require different choices. But acting emotionally when you're trying to create something important (reconstructed marriage, or a life independent of your wife) require DIFFERENT ACTIONS.

I respectfully disagree - the employer just wants the facts. The emotional stuff will detract from the message and may even cause the letter to be disregarded.

Regards,

BB

Concur

I was on a full exposure train of thought

Brit's right on when it comes to the employer

Mr. W

I assume the bolded language is directed at me and all I can say is LOL.



She's Great,

Your negative emotions will remain and linger beneath the surface for years IF you choose to protect and condone their adulterous behavior by keeping their secret. 5 years from now...YOU will have moved on with your life. If you expose, failing to expose is one less regret you'll have to carry with you.

Emotions ARE critical towards rational thinking. Without emotions...the choices may be clear but you'd be paralyzed to decide. To me...exposure releases you, in part, from the emotions of doubt, fear, embarassment, hurt and betrayal. YOU take control of your life and decide that you have no shame for what your wife has done to you. It wasn't your fault. You aren't crucifying her...merely stating the truth. Standing up for yourself. What others do with that truth is their business. You move on...to a healthier you and proceed with your own recovery. 5 years from now this will matter less...because the secret will no longer be yours too.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Besides her employer, have you exposed her affair to everyone else???

(Why, in “marriage builders,” is there not a flurry of activity helping this guy figure out how to restore this relationship, when it is NOT yet completely over, and possibly he wants to restore it but is just feeling hopeless?)

SG, reading your other posts, it looks as if discovery of her affair is really fresh – you found out a week or so ago, is that correct? Previous to thread, you were writing that divorce seemed imminent, and you were fighting over money and possessions.

But it just is not clear where the affair fits in. Was she having a long-term affair BEFORE you were planning a divorce? Did it lead to the divorce? Or is this a relationship she’s cultivated once she felt divorce was an inevitability?


You say you don’t think this action will “save the marriage.” But nowhere have you said what YOU want regarding this marriage. I sense that you feel things are too far gone, since your wife takes the OM “around her family and at family functions.”

Please go back and read what I wrote. If what you really want is to be married to THIS person 5- or 10- or 20 years down the road, then it is vital to stop the divorce proceeding IMMEDIATELY, and think through intelligent action.

If what you want is your wife back, then writing an exposing letter is only ONE of MANY things you are going to have to do.

If you do NOT want to be married to this person, and your intention is to never EVER again see/be involved with her, then re-evaluate.

Someone here posts a signature line something like: "Vengeance is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (I just can't remember who that is)

There is nothing TO evalate, exposure is the right answer to every question. If he wants to reconcile, it is the right answer. If he does not want to reconcile, it is the right answer.

I think your confusion lies in your wrongheaded belief that exposure is "negative":


It most certainly is NOT "negative." Adultery and deceit are negative. Exposure is POSITIVE. Honesty is the solution to adultery. Exposure is the revelation of wrongdoing to the victims. The company, in this case, is one of the victims.

The company needs to know about the affair so they can protect themselves legally. Since they are legally liable, the right thing is to tell them. They may choose to not employ someone who has a workplace affair and that is their right. My current company chooses not to employ those who conduct workplace adultery and they are summarily fired and led off the premises by a security guard.



And I would say you are confusing vengeance with justice. Exposure to the company would be an act of JUSTICE and the right thing to do. His motivations are entirely irrelvant to their need to know.

I think sweetsobriquet is manipulating you, SG, because she believes exposure is "negative" for some odd reason. There is nothing evil about exposing this affair to her employer. What is evil is committing adultery and lying. What is evil is leaving this company on the hook for potential legal ramifications without telling them. Exposure is the decent thing to do. Most companies would greatly appreciate the warning. Any decent person would want to see such justice.

The best thing for your wife is not to hide from the conseqences of her actions, but to face them. So, you are not doing her any favors by helping her hide her workplace affair from her employer. If she can keep this secret, she will never learn from her mistakes and will just do it again. That is not in her best interest.

My responce to you is in blue.

Thanks ML,

I will post the letter next week or in the next two weeks so you guys can read it and give me some advice.

Hi there, SG!

[/color]

[color:"black"]SG, the critical issue is, what do YOU want from this relationship, and not what anyone else thinks, right now. So I'm going to rephrase the question.

If you could have anything you want, 5- or 10- or 20- years down the road, would that include MARRIAGE to this same person? (Without regard to what SHE wants right now.)

If you thought it was possible to repair your marriage, would you want her back?

If you thought you could have her back, would you then be willing to do the work involved? And if you DO want your wife back, what has prevented you (and your wife) from being able to repair things, so far?

I ask this, because it's the core issue to everything you do in the future. [/color]

Sweet,

I've worked my @ss off for my marriage when she first left last September, she even said that she that I talk a good game and the changes wouldn't stick. But she never gave me a chance to see. She made it seem like it was all my fault was the reason that she left, now I know that's not so. She was screwing around and had to put the guilt on me, this is as old as the garden of Eden "God it's not my fault, it was the serpent and God it was your fault because you gave me the woman".

She also said the only thing that she did in the marriage is not tell me exactly what she wanted. She look at that as a minor thing, see what happens when we let our own selfishness rule our lives.

<sigh> SG, no one can blame you for your pain, or your anger.

What I'm asking is, what do YOU want to happen in the future?

a) If you really could have anything you wanted, would it be to have your wife back, and work out the problems in the marriage?

b) Have you decided that you do NOT want to have your wife back?

Obviously, you are in tremendous pain, and filled with anger. There is no one here who would say that you should not feel those things! But, if you could have what you wanted most, would it still be to have her back?

If so, why?
If not, why not?

Your pain and anger in the face of all of this is so immense, that the ten months since your wife dropped the bomb seems like a huge amount of time. But relative to the amount of time it takes to rebuild most marriages, ten months is NOT that long.

It might just be a matter of stalling the divorce in order to find a way to work things out. This might seem impossible right now, but that is not necessarily so.

To me, it sounds as if your wife has been going through the classic "Walkaway Wife Syndrome," and is having an "exit affair" to boost her self-esteem while she leaves the marriage. She decided to leave LONG ago, and prepared in advance to go up-market by getting the plastic surgery (I think you mentioned this). So ... she must have been really unhappy for a very, VERY long time.

Here is a description of the "WalkAway Wife" -- Does it sound like yours?

If the moderator allows it, here is a link to an article on "WalkAway Wife Syndrome" by Michelle Weiner-Davis:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

Does any of that seem familiar to you?

--Sweet

PS Even this close to the end, it's not over yet!

Well then she will not mind being unhappy for a bit longer after she is held accountable and exposed for the tramp she chose to become prior to leaving her marriage in an honorable manner.

I agree H&P, her unhappiness had nothing to do with me! You can't make anyone happy, happiness comes from within and your relationship with God. He is the only one that can give you true happiness, because people, places and things will not last. She have to be held accountable for her actions, her ultimate act of betrayal and selfishness. She was tempted and fell into that temptation by destroying the marriage covenant that she made with me.

She told me that she already ask God for forgiveness for the Divorce. I told her that she can’t play with God like that, we’re not Divorced yet. You can’t knowingly plan on doing something like this, go through with it and think it’s going to ok with God! God want us to repent and stop what we are doing at the moment and turn from those ways. I though she knew God better than that.