Ill try to make this short . . . been married for almost 9 years, been together over 11 and have two kids. I have always had trust issues from previous BAD relationships so from the beginning I had a hard time trusting my husband but gave him the benefit of doubt.
I always suspected him of using drugs even after I warned him several times about using once we got married. He always 'seemed' to comply. He had a habit of staying out late, well after midnight several times a week during the beginning of our marriage. That behavior dwindled down to about 2-4 times a month of the staying out late.
Finally a year and a half ago, he confessed that he might need drug counseling. I was SO devistated because everytime I confronted him with his odd behavior he made me feel like I was crazy. But strange things kept happening.
Over the last year, the drug use has subsided from what I can tell (but who am I to judge right?) Just in the past month, he has been out til 2-3 in the morning during the week. We are both 8-5'ers so I dont know how he does it. He normally goes to his friends house, 'for something' and he will show up HOURS later.
He took me to lunch not even two weeks ago to tell me everything is going to be different 'you will see'. Well just Monday he called at 10pm to tell me he was on his way home and he'd be home in an hour . . . well 4 hours later he finally made it home. We havent spoken since. I havent shed a tear cause I have no emotion left.
Weve been through marriage counceling, my parents know, Ive talked to friends etc etc etc. Am I just asking to much?? For my husband not to be out late, or to tell me he is goig to be home and then hours later he finally come home?
His cell phone bill had over 75 text messages posted to it, he is not a text messenger person, not to mention there are a vast number of LATE phone calls during the times he is out late.
Is this just a lost cause?? What am I missing?? Am I crazy or is this just obnoxious behavior. Is this normal for husbands to stay out this late? He's 44, he should know better by now right? He should be an adult right?? Or is that just in the eye of the beholder.
What am I missing or have I been that snowballed that Im starting to think its ok. agh!!

Only you can decide for yourself what is acceptable behavior in your spouse. I can tell you that for me this is not normal nor would it be acceptable. It seems obvious to me that your husband has a problem with lying, so taking him at his word on something may not be the best thing to do. I'd check into this very closely.

Dwife,

In MC, did you learn about boundaries and boundary enforcements? Your personal ones and your marital ones?

Why haven't you chosen to look at his actual phone...read the names associated with the numbers for the late-night calls, and read the text messages?

Why did you choose to give him the benefit of the doubt...your choice...not his...and what did YOU do to learn about drug addiction...support groups and books for you to read and meetings to attend?

You had trust issues coming into the marriage...did you trust blindly previously? Have you read Harley's opinion and direction on blind trust?

Learning about predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements is how you act from love, Dwife...and you can do this. Will aid you, your marriage, your mothering...all the relationships you will ever have. Worth studying to know and enforce in your life. They go around you. Your behaviors.

Alanon helps you take control of your focus on HIS stuff and put it where you have power...on your own stuff.

After he came to you and shared about his addiction...did you both go to drug counseling? Was there rehab? Did you continue to talk and share or is it only when someone's bleeding to death?

You both can change your lives, grow more intimate in your marriage and deepen your bond...you have your half. Your choice. Addicts are humans who have a lot of pain. Do you want to parent him or partner him, Dwife?

Consider all the times you've snowballed yourself...lived your life seeing it affected by others and not how much your choices make your life...like the deciding to trust, anyway. You can't be snowballed...you choose to believe or not believe...just as you choose to love or not love...to react from fear or act from love. Lots and lots of power there...and human limits.

Please consider choosing to attend Alanon meetings...or NarcAnon. Learn and understand addictive behaviors...what they are about...what's underneath. I was surprised to learn my own addictions inside...to resentment, being "right" rather than married, to parenting my partner, even, to fear.

Free yourself and save your marriage, Dwife. Learn how to talk to an addict (read up on Orchid's threads for Reverse Babble)...how to respond to gaslighting so you won't feel snowballed or bamboozled. Learn what you can control and what you cannot...as a human being. It isn't all or nothing...tolerating or abandoning...there are several steps in between. Find out about them.

Addiction negates negotiation, per Harley. I would move your post to "Infidelity: General Questions II"...gets the most traffic...and affairs are addictions to fantasy...relate very much, in my opinion, to what you're going through...

Please read all the articles here on this website...consider getting Harley's books...His Needs, Her Needs...Fall in Love, Stay in Love...Surviving an Affair.

You are not alone...you are not crazy, wrong or bad. There are many people here seeking help, support, direction and a place to practice what we learn (radical honesty, respect, etc.) who have walked in your shoes. Who will be friends of your marriage.

Welcome.

LA