My wife had an affair from 2000 to 2004. I found out, we decided to work it out (I begged her to stay – still loved her, have four kids, you know the story…. We did counseling and I work my butt off for 2-years to win her love “back”. At her request we moved, I changed jobs to devote more time to the family, I thought I was doing all I could do. She spent 2-years trying to get over the “love of her life” (right, not me). I don’t think she ever did. I know on at least one occasion she had contact with the OM. I confronted, she said you just can’t throw “friendships away” but promised for a second time NO contact.

Sometime after 2-years, she was still “very distant” from me and decided we didn’t need counseling any more (my wife is also a therapist – wow, try that one on for size). I tried to execute plan “B” - separate, she promised that she would make sure the kids knew that I was leaving them. I couldn’t handle that thought, got weak and decided to stay. That moment was about 18 months ago. During that time I have fallen out of love with my wife. She is a great Mom and a great person – she just happens to love someone else – I guess. I suspected that she may have been seeing the OM but I didn’t care anymore. We have just become amiable partners in the raising of our children.

Now I now for sure that she is seeing the OM again. Funny how things change when you know for sure – it hurt, it bites and I guess I care more than I thought. I want to confront her tonight. But what the heck do I do? Stay?? Leave?? I don’t know if I can be around her anymore. I definite don’t feel for her as I did three years ago. I can’t stand the thought of the pain this will cause our four kids. Should I just be a man and suck it up. D-day was over 3 years ago. I guess there are worse things in life than having an unfaithful spouse. But it sure stinks. I must be the must naïve, gullible guy on the planet but our kids shouldn’t have to go through this.

Your comments and especially your prayers would be appreciated.

Hi Iam....sorry you're here.

Have you exposed the affair?

How old are the kids?

When I first discovered the affair my wife asked that I not let anyone know about it. I honored her request, contrary to Dr. Harley's direction. The only person who I have discussed this (besides our 3 different MCs) with is her brother (he already knew) - we are good friends - but our families no longer have any type of social contact - my wife refuses to be around her brother and his family - ashamed I guess - only she knows.

My kids are 8, 10, 12 and 13(going on 30). I would endure the darkest pits of ****** for my children. I know, been there done that.

I would expose the affair to her friends, her family, your family, and your kids. You kids are old enough to know that their mother is having an affair. Please don't lie to them and pretend that everything is fine. Chances are very good that at least one of them suspects something.

I think I would try a different tactic this time then. I agree with Believer and think you should start exposing right now without discussing it with her beforehand.

Is the OM married?

my thoughts are that you have given her a chance at recovery before and now she is dragging you through the same mess that she did for four years before, it is time to send her packing in my opinion.

You dealt with this for 4 years... do you really need to deal with this mess any longer? Three years from now when she is doing it yet AGAIN you are only going to have yourself to blame. I know that sounds harsh...but bottom line is she has shown herself to be a cheater for years now...she blew her chance at recovery. Go find yourself a good woman and role model for your children.

You say she is a "great mom and a great person." Please...get you head out of the sand...she is neither. She is a lousy mother that is ruining her family and she is acting like a skank. The truth hurts here...but you need to see this woman for what she really is... and a great mom she is NOT.

The OM is not married - at least he wasn't three years ago when I first found out about the affair.

I am a coward. If I expose the relationship, especially to my children, my wife is gone - or at least she'll boot me. We have been married 20 years (as of yesterday), I know this side of her personality. Of course, I never initially suspected she would have the big A. I guess I shouldn't care, huh. This really sucks. I was hoping we were all through this stuff. I can not bear the thought of some other man spending more time with my kids than me...

Then fight for custody. I have full custody of my son... she is an unfit parent and partner and you need to grow some balls if you don't want the OM's leftovers from this point forward.

It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

I know you don't want to go through a lot of what divorce will surely bring, but you have an opportunity here to stand up for yourself and your kids. What will your kids think of you when they find out someday that their mom was having an affair and their dad didn't do much to stop it.

Stand up for yourself and show your children that you have principles. You'll never regret that.

Contact an attorney, find out what your rights are in your state.

She can't boot you from your own home without grounds. If you think she would try to do it via legal methods, let the attorney know that you think your wife will try to have you removed from the home.

Your children are old enough to be able to testify on your behalf if she tries to accuse you of domestic violence.

You say "if I expose... my wife is gone" - you realize that your wife is already gone? You don't have to leave your kids and with any form of shared custody the number of days/hours she spends with the children is going to impacted. Do you think that is less incentive for her than it is for you? (That's not rhetorical.)

Is she the primary breadwinner?

Iam,

You and your children deserve better. You must expose. Secrecy preserves the affair. She can't be vested at home when she has her wonderful secret. Expose to her boss and any human resources that might exist, do they work together?, expose to ALL family members. If she chooses to leave because She is a lliar and cheat then she will have to face the music with her children.

She might leave. Is that worse than having her lie to you and your children while she runs off to bang this creep? A man that doesn't care about family or values. A man willing to destroy the innocent lives of your children?

Read here, especially on GQ. Discover the Plan A and B. First and foremost you must expose to everyone who can influence this. Shame makes waywards behave better. They can misbehave when they don't have to be accountable. Let your wife face the music with her children, family and friends. She made the choices, now she has to face the consequences.

Best wishes

FTS

No offense, but grow some balls. Stand up to this woman. She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect. Expose to EVERYONE and expose NOW. There is a reason she hasn't left you. She is emotionally blackmailing you into keeping quiet. She can't force you to leave. It's time to man up.

You want to remove a tumor without going into surgery. This won't happen. Exposure is one of the key concepts of this forum and plan. If you refuse to follow the concepts, all we can do is tell you that your misery will continue.

Wayward spouses promise a lot of death and destruction if the betrayed spouse does anything to disrupt the affair. Some threaten to join the Merchan Marines, mine threatened to go live in Mexico and become a simple farmer with the OM. It's all just manipulation.

Iam,


Well duh. Of course she did. However, you protected her from her own shame....and therefore you enabled the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy.


And it didn't work. So why not try Dr. Harley's direction now?


It's time chere....full exposure....including the kids.

"boot" you out????? On what grounds??? You're the only one with any grounds for "booting". Get an attorney and explore your rights. Don't you dare leave your house or let her take your children.

Your children need to know that it's not okay for married women to have boyfriends and that their mom is not willing to give up hers. Don't let her poison their little minds with lies because you're too afraid to tell them. She'll not only cheat on you, but she'll try to discredit you in their eyes if you let her. Fogged spouses are crummy parents and liars. They aren't capable of being "good" in that state....even if they are usually good people.

So she's a counselor huh? Maybe workplace exposure would be important too. I'm going to repost something for you that I wrote awhile bac.....I hope it helps:

Betrayed Spouse: It is the fear!!!

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

Okay

You guys are right. I let it get waaay to far out of control. I admit that I don't have any "Kahona's" when it comes to putting my family at risk. Trust me, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be long gone.

I am the primary bread winner in the family.

Guess I'll "man up" tonight. I just hope I can handle the reaction of my four children.

Who said life was easy...

When you guys hit, you hit "hard"...seriously hard.

Thanks

Iam,

This is the right thing to do. Some of us will be here all night long if you need. There is always someone here. Do it, protect your children. Vent here, and bring more questions here as they form.

Best wishes

FTS

Iam

I am also not a "pro" but I'll add my two bits.
As some have said here before your M can survive her anger and threats. It cannot survive an on-going affair.

As to the tumor analogy-as one who has had a tumor removed to prevent it spreading and causing my untimely death, I can tell you that it is an accurate one

Surgery was hard to recover from but I learned that my body was strong and able to do it. To continue the analogy-think of Plan A/B as chemotherapy. Chemo is worse than surgery but it does something important-kills any remaining cells that might start the cancer again. It has a purpose. Plan A/B is about killing the A or, if that doesn't happen, protecting your love from the destruction of your WW's choices.

Man-up and get rid of the tumor and take the "chemo". Know it will be hard. Your will survive a stronger person-regardless of the outcome. We are hear to listen and help as we can.

Slicc:

This has gone on for long enough.

You said you will do anything to protect your family.

Well, this OM is attacking, EVERYDAY, your family.

There was a reason you married this woman 20 years ago.

You want to get that woman back.

The fight HAS to start with you.

She is lost, and only you can her find her way back.

You thought you had done that the first time.

But since it never really ended, it just cooled for awhile. Your back in the same boat.

DO NOT TELL HER that you are going to expose her A tonight.

TELL HER that you are ready, willing and able to fight for your marriage, and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And expose tommorrow morning.

She will get over her anger.

And if she doesn't, then this marriage isn't going to survive anyway.

Why would you want to stay with a woman who would rather be with someone else?

Start fighting this thing.

Because she WILL RESPECT that. And you might end up with a much better M out of this.

LG