Bluenote, you are not getting creative enough. Find OM's employer and expose to his coworkers. Know your enemy. Figure out a way to make him pay (legally) for continuing to screw around with your WW.

Also, re-expose to your WW's family. Ask them for your help. I know of one couple where the WW was a SAHM who would sneak off during the kids school to meet up with OM. The BH exposed to MIL and she stayed with he and his WW for a month to keep an eye on her while he was at work. You have got to find ways to expose her to consequences for continuing to cheat on you. Cut off her phone, get rid of the internet, cut her off financially, take away the car, whatever you can do, do it. How old are you children? If they are teenagers, then you should expose to them. Put GPS on your WW's car, and when she goes to meet up w/ OM, follow her and bust things up until she stops trying. Get creative.

Remember, you WW is acting like a spoiled child and needs to be treated as such. There are ways of reigning in a spoiled child, but it does take a lot of work. You seem like the more hands off type of personality, but you are going to have to step out of your normal ways of doing things if you are going to get your WW to stop. There was another person I helped whose wife acted just as entitled, but wasn't going to leave. I don't think your WW will leave, you just need to not allow her to continue her behavior. As long as she lives under your roof, there are things that you can do. It is not controlling to keep your WW from cheating, so don't worry about how it comes off.

Your marriage will not survive IF YOU DON'T expose the affair, bluenote. You do understand that is the reason we want you to get ahold of the OMW? Have you called and exposed to her yet?

Jim,

I will cut off internet tonight! I re-expose WW to two of her closest family members tonight. She will call WW.

WW acquired a cell phone in her own name which she is also paying for. In an instance like this, it seems like a tug-of-war to try to force her into giving up her 'cell phone privileges.'

I will do an exposure campaign to superintendent of schools tomorrow for OM as well as to his own school principal. I will also try to see his OMW tomorrow or Wed at the latest to compare notes with her!

As far as the car goes, I wil have to save some $$$$ for GPS receiver. Screw that, I will have to place on a credit card! I have spengt so much money to combat this A. Then again, I know its cheaper than a D!

I feel given my WW likes $$$, hitting her financially and sending her on her own (separation) will make a big impact upon her!

Right now, I am in 180 mode on her -- I ignore her and do not meet her needs! She walks around the house like all is well!

In fact, she lied to DD10 about having a BF. I quickly set the record straight with a cioy of an e-mail from OM to WW!

Thanks again for the advice and support! I need it and appreciate it!

Good. These are consequences. Waywards don't like consequences.


Boundary #1: No affair phones allowed while you stay in the same house. She has to sleep some time. Lock up your belongings in a safe location. Then, affair phone gets confiscated and locked in a safe location.


Good, OM don't like trouble. Sometimes OM are cowards. A nice face to face meeting with some of your boys where you state that OM is NEVER to contact your WW again might scare him off (especially if you are bigger than OM).


Good, get the real-time (active) GPS systems for a little extra and keep tabs on your WW until she is through recovery. Keep it well hidden so it doesn't go the way of the affair phone.


Cancel all joint credit cards and separate the family finances from her.


Alright, I'd like to suggest something here. 180 is not about ignoring her needs, it is about acting like you don't care what she does to you. It would still be wise to try and meet some conversation if possible, but go out on your own instead of her going out with OM. Stick her with the kids.


Good, what does DD think? You might need to see if she needs counseling as this is probably affecting her.


That's what we are here for. Don't take any WW crap!

ML - -I truly understand the method behind exposure!

In fact my sister was the victim of a WH! She and OWH got together and arranged a meeting with both waywards at the same time -- the waywards were ticked off!

Right now, my WW is getting grilled by an aunt who I sent a copy of a 'love e-mail' from OM to WW.

My WW is trying to spin big time!

Sadly the kids have volunteered to be 'watchdogs' as well - I say sadly because I want them to focus on school and not mainly on the A - but they are allieds nonetheless.

I will hit OMW tomorrow by personal visit while OM is at work! I want to let her know everything that I know about the A just in case the OM spun the story!

I will be taking some time off from work this week to expose OM to his employer as well!

Jim -- I do have a partner who would volunteer to pay OM a visit and he IS BIG (6' 5" 300lbs) while OM is about my size 5'9" approx 170-180 lbs. This friend has known me and my W for at least 16 yrs, so he is like a brother to me!

Also thanks for clarifying the 180 piece!

I will keep you all updated!

I finally have OMW address, but not her phone number!

I plan to contact her tromorrow. I do not know how she will respond. I am tempted to have her meet me in a public arena to avoid any potential contact with OM. I am apprehensive about entering her home. I want to give her time to grieve or have a private moment to express herself!

Any tips on how to approach her:

1) Do I simply go to door and give her a copy of my file on the A with a contact number for me and walk away inviting her to contact me if she has more questions?

2) Do I simply talk outside her front door like a Jehovah Witness (no offense to any)?

Who has experience approaching other OMW/OWH and how did they respond when confronted -- did it backfire on any of you?

I just want to get an idea of what to expect. Shock? Anger? Denial? I will find out!!!

Do you know the OM's name? With the name and even a partial address you can often google the phone number.

Or have you tried Whitepages.com?

Bluenote, I would just walk up to the door and introduce yourself and explain your visit. Hand her the folder with your evidence and invite her to call you with followup questions. Ask her to keep in touch with you so you help each other kill the affair. Good luck!

ML, Jim,

I went to housing complex where OMW lives - I was greeted by a gate guard who did not let me in to see her. OMW was not expecting me and did not know who I was when guard gave her my name. Therefore, I left.

OMW called OM who called my WW at home this morning who confronted me and asked me what I did. I said I wanted to find out more about the A.

OM does not know my intentions, but I sense he and my WW are very nervous or at least upset that I tried to contact OMW. I think my WW is afraid of what OMW might do to OM (or possibly her).

I thought about sending OMW m yfile certified mail to request her signature, but then again, I think it will be a better option to be creative and tell the gate guard I am planning to buy a property in the complex -- then he should let me in.

I did not think this fast this morning because I was nervous and did not expect a gate guard!

Anyway my WW is out tonight (probably talking with OM to figure out what is going on although she will not admit it).

WW is still in a fog as she says when I pull these'stunts', I drive her towards OM! I already pulled my WW off of my life insurance and established a trustee for my 3 minors just in case something happens to me!

WW is also mulling over a decision to commit to the M or 'run off' with OM. Again, WW cannot stay for the kind only (as she contends).

WW thinks I am being controlling by having her adhere to BCs -- open email accounts, or disable accounts previously used by OM to contact WW.

As the world turns! I'll strike again tomorrow or Friday!

OM saw my WW last night from 11pm-3am to discuss my contact with OMW!

OM could not believe I found out the address to his new home which he probably lived in less than 2 months. He was surprised and concerned about my intentions.

I told my WW she needs to make a decision on staying in the M or moving on with OM. Also WW could not stay in M for the wrong reason.

He was worried about my intentions of coming to his home. He does not know if I am a 'violent type' of person or not.

My WW assured him I was not.

Also OMW called OM at work immediately yesterday after I tried to contact her. She badgered him on who I was and he finally broke and said I was the H of the WW. OMW was ticked off.

My WW said that OM may have to sleep with one eye open!

Anyway my WW said she made a decision to stay in the M and be accountable and open by establishing a new e-mail account unknown to OM. I will also monitor this account.

Question: Should I still notify OMW of actual A details (she already knows there was one) or keep them on standby if OM and WW breaks NC?

Also Melody Lane, your PI contact was awesome! Relatively cheap and extremely effective (accurate)!

YES, give OMW all the details she needs to save her own marriage!!!

You need to establish a lot more than just accountability as part of the criteria for WW to work on the marriage.

Marriage counseling, NO CONTACT with OM in any fashion, establishing boundaries, etc...

If she's agreed to it, that's a start. Now her actions need to match her words. Don't settle for anything less than what you know you're going to need to make this work!!

Good job...I know it was scarey, but it was the right thing to do.

No, she got laid last night. that is waht they were doing, along with planning how to keep you from busting him to his wife.

Go and TELL his wife TODAY, bluenote. Figure out how to get in there.

I agree with ML. Go again today. At least get the phone number from the guard and explain that it is an emergency that you contact OMW. Tell the guard that you have information that OMW needs to know.

DO NOT TRUST YOUR WW RIGHT NOW! Go ahead an put GPS on her car and bust up their encounters. Continue to turn the heat up on OM until he leaves your WW alone. If your WW is "truly" having NC with OM, she won't even know about it, but I guarantee you she and OM were plotting on taking their A further underground. Strike while the iron is hot!

I'm in agrement with ML & jmc. It's obvious she has less knowledge than WW lets on. That is a conversation I am sure OMW wants to have. Next time, give your name and relationship to WW. If she won't let you in, you can at least leave her package of info with the guard. You're in charge, now, use it. OM has to be standing of awe of you about now. And he's skeered of ya, the chicken crap!!
Keep up the heat, don't back down

Bluenote, don't give up until you speak to this woman!

Bluenote, My H's XOW kept hanging up on me after D-Day, til I zipped out an email asking what time she got off work, I'd meet her in the parking lot and if I missed her there I'd see her at the house. My phone was ringing
seconds after I hit send. Persistence will pay off for you.

Also if you get to talk to her and if your WW has disclosed any details of their marriage to you, be sure to tell her. That will cause huge LB's between WW & OM. He will be ticked that she "betrayed" him.

Bluenote,

Why not go back today and when the guard calls her, if she won't let you in, have the guard tell her you have evidence that your W and her H are having an A. So what if the guard knows. I would think she would then want to talk to you.

If she doesn't want to see you fine, but then tell the guard to tell her you will leave a package with him if she is interested to call you. Have copies of everything in an envelope for her along with your number.

LC

All,

I agree with you! I also know that OMW is a stay at home wife! I will send her a same day certified package of the 'goods' that will require her signature only!

I will get her the info -- the heat is on! OM and WW are 'just wondering' what I will do next!!!

My WW even mentioned to me this morning that she noticed me spending alot of time on MB -- so she knows from thread reading herself what I am doing and trying to accomplish!

She has read so much about exposure and some keylogging suggestions on this board!

I will not rest until OMW KNOWS!!!

Then my WW can either leave with OM or work on the M!

I am prepared for either course of action!