Rin,

A quiet night,,, good for you! Sorry about the blip with POWS's call. You did the right thing, though, by not responding. IF it was important, he would have left a message.

You get an A+ for self control!

I am SO jealous of you - shopping on someone else's money??!! It doesn't get much better than that!

Hope you got some good rest & enjoy your day!

Morning Bugs, thanks for the affirmation on the call to POWS...that's not easy to let go...perhaps I need to get OS one of those little go phone that's only able to call like four numbers or something...

I'm just conecrned with him losing it or something like that...

YEAP...that's my days today, MOF I need to go get dressed...right now I'm enjoying my coffee and been doing a little cleaning...First time Spon. comes over to teh house since we're moved back in and I had to clean the kitchen...ten minutes at the most...I was finished right after the coffee...then sitting here at my desk I started on that...

I did bathe the dog last night...having a bit of a flea problem that I've been working to deal with...of course, I didn't expect anything less with POWS leaving her outside for six months...it's getting better, should have boomed the house today but I can do it Monday since the kids aren't going to be here...

Well, guess I need to go get dressed...I'm sure it's going to be a long day...the party's at 7pm...

Thanks for the validation again...I think that's the part that I need the most these days...I've been wondering if it's a needy thing to want to be around someone, have them close...wondering it I'm needy becasue I need to talk to someone, for that connection...or if it's just meeting my EN for conversation...at long as I have that I do pretty well...

I have a few other things on my mind too, dealing with my childhood and the abuse, not to mention the R/M with POWS...trying to wrap my head around the fact that the world doesn't revolve around SF and there are people out there that are decent human being that ACTUALLY don't expect that from you...decent people DO exist, that I just haven't been around them...addressing the hard stuff, you know? Trying to get that out of the way b/f I move on...

There's some self-esteem issues here...like I said it's really hard to WRAP my head around...it's hard to understand that relationships and marriages are started based on other things and not SF...I guess I mean that they ARE centered around something else...that's been my experience...

I KNOW what I want out of another R, and I want it to be healthy but my past R have all led to SF in a hurry and I can remember thinking that if it didn't than I was asking myself, what was wrong that they didn't "want" me? And I know that I shouldn't think that way but having been a "toy" for OP 75% of my life...how do you deal with that thinking when YOU KNOW it can be another way...

The feelings of rejection...just that thinking of "well, they don't want to sleep with me, what's wrong with me?"

Talk about work to change those filters...

I just recently had an experience that has brought these thoughts to mind...so whacko guy...which I told was crossing my boundaries and saying off the wall things to me...I was shocked...well, this caused me to feel hopeless and helpless, you know thinking that one day I'm going to be out there and what if it's not some guy just telling me things, what if it's some guy trying to do things to me...so I checked into taking a self-defense course...it's been since college since I've had one...

just by doing that, I was able to gain my "control or power" and I felt so much better...knowing that I don't have to be a victim again, that there are things that I can do...

Okay, I really have to go this time...Spon. called and she'll be on her way soon and I certainly don't need to depress myself with feeling like a piece of meat...

Just sharing the most difficult struggle that I have in my life...and trying to find a better way...knowing that it can be different...just not sure how to deal with it and change that POV...standing on my own two feet has been good for me I can say that...adds to my worthy, knowledge that I am more than meat...but the feelings are still there...old brain perhaps?

Rin,

I was sitting at the computer with my coffee this morning, too!

I know it's hard to change those 'filters' you are talking about. But you need to do a quick stop and give yourself some MAJOR kudos, girl.

Think about it - perhaps for the FIRST time in your life, you RECOGNIZE the impact of your previous experience and you are seeking to CHANGE your life, to give yourself the future you so richly deserve.

How AWESOME are you?

HIYA BUGS!

I'll take that! I'm awesome...I remember telling Frog not long after I came here that the abuse that I went through didn't affect me and he said YEAH, that's what my wife thinks too! So from time to time I've thought about it...

AND here I stand today...being home and questioning why this person or this event has come into my life here and now, being taught here and through my program to pay attention to my feeling...THAT'S what has brought me here today...

You know like most BS, I came here not able to tell you what I felt...I knew angry and hurt...rarely was I happy and I actually had to look up a list of words that described feelings...I remember LovingAnyway asking me so many time: "Yeah, but how did you feel?"

I thought I had said what I felt but I would go back over the posts and I hadn't said anything but the facts...It wasn't safe to share my feelings growing up and it wasn't safe in my M to share them either...rarely to I remember being validated and told it's okay to feel that way...hugs and kisses where things I wanted and unless we went to visit a family member, did I get them and I HAD to give them even when I didn't want too...part of the culture down here...

I was watching something on TV and it was talking about how you shouldn't make your kids hugs or kiss OP if they don't want to and that got me think...which has led to me REALLY examining some deep issues and not being taught boundaries...one of the hardest concepts to learn since I've been here...

Then, Eph referred a book to me on boundaries and I have about 100 pages read...it's been slow going...one bit of the elephant at a time...sometimes only a paragraph at a time in the beginning...I've found myself very resistant to some that I've needing to put into place...

I finally get LA telling me that I needed to reparent my inner child...

So BUGS, I really do appreciate you holding up that stop sign, it's been a long road to get here and you know alot of OP question why they are getting Ded or are on that path...why things have happened to them, a failed M...you know...I don't...I mean I wish things were different but I accept that I had to have the M that I did to get to where I am today...I caulk it up to lessons learned and I can't understand why OP sometimes don't look to themselves for the answers...how they can go through life without examining self?

LOL...It would be great to find a guy who really understood where I am coming from on the Sex issue and told me from the beginning that I'm more than a peice of meat and he refuses to treat me that way...validation...you know? Some form of accountability when I do get involved with someone to keep ME from going there...

I have to not except that in the beginning and recognize that if they are then they are not who I should be with anyway...I feel that my abuse played heavily into the destruction of my M...I did alot of things that I didn't want to do but did them anyway...there were things that I did to experiment...but at the same time I have to remember that when I made a decision not to do those things anymore than my decision should have been respected and I was well within my rights to say no, I don't want to do this anymore...

So my picker was off as a result but I can make better choices for my future, it will not be easy, dealing with this stuff this past month and wondering WHY IS THIS STUFF coming up NOW...has not been easy...but I have to admit that I think that I have been growing leaps and bounds since D-day and there's a reason...perhaps I will find out sooner than I think perhaps not..it will be the right time when it comes...

Good night!
Rin (struggling to raise the bar)

WEll, I didn't have the energy to post on our shopping day...Spon. and I went to Baton Rouge for the day, that's about two hours from here, so we got to tlak everything over on the ride...she really proud of me and what I have done...

She said I just needed a "little" help to get the ball rolling that was all...we started out at Cabela's and ate liunch there...I had the orchista deli sandwich...it was a first and was surprised at how good it was...it had a nice smoked favor to it...

Spon.'s a girly girly and of course I'm the tom-woman...I was like a kid in a candy store, spending OP's money...we spent all we had gone with plus some of our own...I got one of the boy's Christams present...you know, that I FINALLY found it better get it NOW...two years on that one...that was at a KB TOYS...

Being in Cabela's was so awesome...I saw stuff I wanted and SPon. was so happy that I went with her b/c we were buying door prizes for the men and being that I like to hunt and most of them hunt...IT WAS SUPER easy...I was like THIS IS AWESOME...and she would ask what does that do and I would explain...She said it was an educational trip for her...

The toy store was at the outlet mall and we stopped in Bath and Body works...I was told that I needed a bath tub pillow and I actually found one, so I treated myself...

in the mist, we stopped at a Christmas store and I got tons of ideas to decorate my Christmas tree, MOF since I have the time with the boys we'll be putting that up this coming Friday and I have some Christmas arts and craft projects that I would like to do with them...you know having saw ALL the wonderful trees...Spon. said that she's not creative so I asked her if she wanted the boys and us to come decorate her tree and she's up for that...

I told her that use to be one of my jobs growing up, every year I would go to the neighbors, like another set of grandparents to me, and Iwould decorate their house for Christmas...I have so much fun doing that...I love to decorate...or redecorate...

We got back after dark, adn then I laid down b/f the b-day party I had to go to...when I got up, I went vote...at the stop sign, who appeared but POWS and the kids...so I drove into the parking lot, got out of the car and was headed inside when POWS yelled "hey, you don't have to tlak to me but you could talk to your kids! OS tried calling you last night about a parental code on the PS2!"

I said I didn't know anything about a code, talking more to OS...so I signed in to vote, voted, talked to the kids, hugged and kissed them, told them I wasn't feeling well and left with them still inside the school...

From there I met Spon at the b-day party, it was one of our board members 70th b-day, we had a huge group for the meeting and had cake and ice cream after...then one of my friends followed me across the bayou home to check out the house...both her and Spon. were so overjoyed at what I've done around here! They were really proud...

So after she left, I went to the grocery store and got home about 11...it was a long day but it was a good relaxed day...

Drinking my coffee again this morning, will be going back to sleep soon...I got up early to go get a news paper, brought GO-Go with me and she sneak out of the car before I could close the dog, so I had to chase her DOWN this morning in town before I could get my paper...

I think that I'm going to go to town later and do some Christmas shopping, POWS wouldn't let us get a trampoline in the past and I think that's what I'm going to talk to Santa about today! OH, OH, OH....I got each of us a neff blow dart yesterday...we have had a blast with the neff dart guns and love sneaking up on each other and shooting one another...so i was going to get two then I went well mom has to have one to play right? I'm so looking forward to it and MOM WILL have stuff under the tree THIS YEAR...

I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS WITH THE BOYS!!!!

I refuse to be depressed b/c of the past...this year's about making NEW memories with my smaller family...

I pray that you are all blessed with the same!!!! No depression this holiday season but a conscience will to have joy and happiness!!

Rin,

Wow - sounds like a GREAT day! Cabella's is great, isn't it? So much fun stuff there!

So you go from your Tom-boy phase with the Hunter's Education for Spon. to your girly girly phase in offering to decorate for Christmas! Rin, what a well rounded Goddess you have become and I don't think you even realize it!

Sorry about the run in with POWS. How is it that no matter what we do, their comments can strike us right on target every time? UGH! You conducted yourself with class and dignity. Way to go!

AND

You went on with your life, having an enjoyable evening with your friends. Basking in the glow of your accomplishments with the house. Very cool!

I am so glad to hear you talking about making NEW memories. That's what it's about. My mom is buying me a wall collage for pictures that says,

"It's not about the number of breaths we take -
But about the Moments that take our Breath AWAY!"

We are going to have some amazing moments in our future, just wait and see! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HiYA! I did go back to sleep and had nightmares about POWS, ILS, and HN2! I was so scared and couldn't caught my breathe, a good friend was in the dreams also and I hugged her several times...I was so scared that I couldn't even find my voice sometimes to call for help...

I ended up waking myself finally and put on some relaxation music and went back to sleep...it helped I don't remember dreaming anything...

I've got the Christmas music on and preparing with downloading some more for Friday when the kids and I decorate the tree! we've never had christams music playing before so I think that will help us all! Get them excited!It's working for me! LMAO...

I asked my mom for my Christmas early it should be here tomorrow, I plan on going to Lowe's and Home depot Friday morning! The boys are excited about that also! I have a few things that I want for my tool collection! Like a 6 gallon air compressor with the finish nailer, brad nailer, and stapler! WOW BABY!!!! Need to pick up a ladder too so I can fix the Christams lights that are on the house! I'm that REDNECK WOMAN!! YEEHAA!!! Thanks POWS!! You saved me some work this year!!! LMAO

SO it's ALL good the the RINSTER'S world at the moment and I'm soaking it up, holding on tight!

BUGS, I love that wall collage saying you'll have to send pics! I look forward to hearing your NEW memories!! Sharing your strenght, hope and experience this holiday season! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

while I was out a bought a really cute plate for "Santa's Cookies"!!

Glad you got some peaceful rest,, finally!

You sound great, Rin!

Reading your post just makes me smile...so much joy and life in every word!

(((Rin)))

Cool bugs, I thought about baking cookies and giving them as presences this year...not something I've done before either!

Thanks, I haven't cut the grass today like I wanted too...I went shopping for the boys at target...got some awesome stuff... I want to play with it!!!!!

SIS...I'M SOOOO HAPPY I got some smiles out of ya"! I'm happy...today! Listenin to a little Usher...wanting to dance around...it's been a good day!!!

It's amazing that I can overlook the call from POWS and the run in with him and go on with life...

I heard that I would never be happy that I was always looking for things to be unhappy about! I actually wondered if that was TRUE and TODAY I know that it's not!!!

I am blessed with wonderful friends, family, a place to come and post what I need to...and so many other things...this Thanksgiving is going to be soooo different...last year was spend talking until two am with POWS and MIL about how I was trying to be controlling and POWS agreeing not to talk to OW, etc...I have alot to be thankful for!!!

Thanks to all of you!

Wow, Strivn! Your thread just zippps along.....so does your progress!!! Your quote here is a SUPER VERY IMPORTANT STEP!!! Very Profound, Healthy Step in a greeaaat direction! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Can you work it..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What do you mean? The RAD (Rape Aggression Defense System) class that I looked at doesn't have a schedule up right now, but I talked to a friend who teach the class in another area and he said that he was going to call here and let them know that people are interested and try to find out when they will be offering it again!

Had to step out of my cave for a minute.

You've been up and down all year, but this time you sound different.

I think you're gettin there Rin. You don't sound like you're on a high, you actually sound like your feet hit the ground and you stuck it good.

Keep it up Rin, I think the peace you've been searching for is right there. I knew you'd find it. Don't stop. Walk tall(metaphorically of course) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Make us all proud. Make yourself proud.

Happy Holidays

now back to my cave

Hey Rin-

If the RAD class doesn't get up running right away, I highly recommend Taekwondo as a defense art for women. It's low impact (mostly) and uses more lower body strength-which is great for us gals. I earned a first degree black belt with my OS19 a few years back. XH and DD22 got to recommended black. Then, they were in high school and middle school and my schedule didn't allow for more classes.....someday I'll go back.

You could look for one that has women's self-defense classes as well as the regular training.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you. (johnstwin with pom-poms. There's an interesting thought) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks GuyS! Nice to see you B...appreciate your words immensely...

JT- WOW, lady! I would love to take Taekwondo...OS was in it, but the classes are on Mon and Wed nights at 5:30...not great...I did somekarate with my father when i was growing up and I took a few classes in Akido (?) when I was in college...I loved all of it...and certainly would want to go back...I still practice my kicks and punches from time to time...

MOF, I have to get someone to help me put up my kickbag in the garage...i got the hooks the other day! I'm really looking forward to that! I use to help OS practice and I loved it!

BTW, I love your pom-poms! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, did I ever mentioned that I took fifth place at national for powerlifting...IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO...but I have that use my belt too...i was up for third but tore up my knee on my last deadlift...265lbs!

I plan on cleaning up the enclosed garage and not only hanging my kickbag but putting my weight set up in there too!

Strivn,

Refresher courses of whatever self defense disciplines are important & good idea. You didn't specify. Many wonderful courses to choose from, which best suits your needs.



Akido is an excellent choice, too!

Yrs, ago I help start a karate program for my kids in their elementary school, for all the kids/us parents. We got a super instructor& turned out to be a great afterschool activity.

Then took a good general community program for all ages, several yrs ago offered through the police department. Excellent program...

Cool! Look at all of you wonderful woman out there! AMazing woman, whom I have the honor of knowing!I'm definitly going to check into something...YS wants to join Taewonkodo when he was small...now he's old enough I may put us both in it!

Wait that would be a scheduling problem...I'm going to look into it!

Well, i get the kids back tomorrow, I'm looking forward ot it...this time away has been go...no down time, all on the up and up...I've got to relax, doing some things with friends...it's all good baby...

Oh, I found out tonight that POWS has been at work the past two days...so I don't know where the kids have been...I can only think that he's had them at the sitter! Our sitter! I'll find out tomorrow! No big deal...just would have liked to know in advance...that's all!

off to bed...Good night everyone and thanks for stopping by and sharing...it's wonderful to have OP opinion, thoughts, and ideas...the best way I know of to step outside of that box sometimes!

Rin,

Just saying HI! You sound great,,,,like BC said, more grounded perhaps than just on a HIGH. I hope that is the case for you.

Love that you are finding new ways to kick some a$$! LOL!

Morning BUGS! I hope that you and BC are right...I don't have that HIGH on life feeling that I have had in the past...it's more of a I'm just happy, not an overjoyed...

I can tell you this it's really nice to run into him or have something like that occur and it not affect my whole world...it's more of a okay it happened what's next...rezoom play...not a tragic events that stops me dead in my tracks b/c HE said or did something...

Ah, I'm not reacting to him like I use to...I think part of that is I'm resting whenever I can..since I sleep terrible, I try to take anap when ever I can...I think that's the biggest thing that effects me...if I'm tired so I have to pay close attention to that...

I think that it allows me to have a more accepting attitude...it's the beginning of a more balanced dance in my life...I can say that I would be happy not to be going from one extreme to the next...

Like the comment that he make when I ran into his going to vote...that negative attitude of his is certainly not about me...I get that...he can try as he may but it's up to me to allow it or not...for the longest time I took everything that he said personally, flipped it and make it about me...I wasn't doing this or wasn't doing that...I was a horrible person or I should have done this or that...figured I wasn't living up to the expectations of what a mother and wife were suppose to be when in reality I'm the one that sets those...

My knowing myself and my limits I'm the one that determines if I'm a good mother or partner...be remaining true to myself and not trying to live up to what soemone else thinks I should do, say, be...

I can remember doing what OP thought I should do...worried that I was being judge on a constant basis...even sharing here...not knowing what true acceptance was...there was always that little voice in the back of my head saying "but what if they think that you are a bad person"...

Now this morning, I realize that I have a habit of saying that I'm been bad! THAT needs to be changed and I think I understand perhaps for the first time what LA has been saying about DJing myself...I constantly say that I'm being bad...true of the matter is I'm living to my code and not someone else's...that someone else may see my actions as bad but if I continue to tell myself that then of course, I'm going to continue to shot myself in the foot...

So I have some thing to do on that one...if I refer to myself as being bad then that promotes feelings of shame and guilt...when in fact I should have no shame and guilt if I'm truely being myself...

It's like saying that you guys here have spoiled me, when in fact I've only been taught to raise the bar...not allow unacceptable behavior...be kinder to myself...promote my worthiness...

Okay, I have to go get ready for work...hum, it's been a good morning for thinking! Thanks to you guys! I appreciate it...love the way a person gains insight into themselves...piece by piece with help from OP if they are willing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />