My husband and I have been married for 7 years, Six of those years have been spent being full time parents to his two children who are now 10 & 11 years old. His kids annoy me. They are constantly asking for something. Their mom does very little to help with htem, yet she is GOD to them. Now I know this aggravates thir dad but he is their dad, while I on the other hand have no obligation to these children aside from my husband. The more I give the more they ask for. When he and I first married and got custody of his kids, I tried to bond with them. It was like running after a car that is going in the opposite direction from you. They are constantly looking for approval from their mom, but never even realizing that I do all the hard work with no recognition. I have take them to practices pick them up from school, help their dad do things that are necessary for them, yet I am nothing to them. This is a very frustrating situation for me. It makes me want to just give up, and say hey let you mom do some of these things. (I have done this before and their response when she will not take them is well you just told her to take me because you know that she could not do it) The woman does not even have a job! Any advice here because I feel like I am going to loose my mind.
I think this situation is working on our marriage hard. My H cheated last year because of this yet I do not know how to make all this better. I can at best tolerate his kids.

Was your husband married to the child's mother when you met him?

It's natural for children to be ungrateful and selfish until they grow up; the same may be said for OPs.

"When he and I first married and got custody of his kids,"...this statement leads me to believe that this is an affair marriage. If it is, the kids are certainly justified in remaining loyal to their dad's real wife and not an intruder.

here's my tough advice...

stop the chaos on your end...of this having much to anything about you....

humans have specific developemental stages that we ALL go through....

it is the nature of the beast...

Emotional Development

Most young people aged nine to 12 will:

Want to blend in and not stand out from their peers in any way, particularly as to gender roles and sexuality
Feel concern about outward appearance [They want to look like "everyone else."]

Become self-conscious and self-centered

Have ambivalent, conflicting feelings about puberty and about sexual desire and want to be independent and to conform

Care greatly about relationships with peers, friendships, dating, and crushes and give peers more importance than family

Relate to both same-gender and opposite-gender peers and may develop sexual feelings for others as a new dimension within relationships

Develop the capacity to understand the components of a caring, loving relationship

Experience feelings of insecurity and begin to doubt self-concept and previous self-confidence [Girls, especially, often experience a significant drop in self-esteem.]
Struggle with family relationships and desire privacy and separation from family [They test limits and push for independence.]

Experience mood swings, especially evident in family relationships

Develop infatuations or "crushes" and may begin dating
Sexual Development

these things are NORMAL....
and should not be taken personally...which is what you are doing....

most importantly...

these children are VICTIMS of a divorce...

their mother has pretty much abandoned them on the caretaker level...

pretty crappy situation for little ones...

they live in a constant battle...

not good enough to be with their mom...so they are with their dad..who has CHOSEN over their mom a new woman...

what are their options
they are powerless in all of this while three grownup shove and push them in to conforming in to one big new happy get over it family...

their mom has abanondoned them as caretakers...

you have been blessed with this role...and make no mistake it is a blessing...
you hold in your hands the power to assist these kids inspite of their own parents abandonment...of the family unit.....

and most terrifying...

you lay blame on your husbands infidelity at their feet...

you didn't marry a man...

you married a man with children....

parenthood without question is a huge labor of love as is marriage...

life is ALL about attitude.....

what else can they do but seek approval from their mom..
she in her actions does not take care of them...

do you understand that
can you crawl in their skin and in to their dreams and imagine for a second what it feels like to them to not be good enough for their own mother to want them....

to nurture
to care...

ofcourse they go to extremes to please her...
they are terrified of once again being dropped.....

what does it mean that your husband has an affair because of this...

what does that mean....

these children need two grown ups committed to raising them...

in a supportive environment...

not another battlefield in which they are the problem...
the problem is the adults....not acting like adults...

these children are in a stage that is pretty much totally egocentric...

they like their peers better than any adult...

it's all normal....normal normal...

and frustrating as heck for the adults....but guiding them through...
being there for them in action
and expecially these kids...

on a consistant basis is what it all about....

another question is mom dating/remarried also...

please educate yourself on normal child developement..
please turn this around on YOUR end...seek out support groups for step parents...that is pro kid and family...

please for the sake of the children do this....

they didn't ask for any of this grownup chaos...

their father needs to step up as well...

they are kids for Gods' sake..

ARK

OK...minor 2x4 coming your way.

When you married him...you didn't just married him, you married his kids too.

Its always a package deal when you marry someone who has children already. But it sounds to me like you didn't enter this marriage with that mindset. They're "his kids"...not yours. You sound as though you resent them.

NOT a healthy environment for anyone. When you married him, they should have become "your kids" too. YOU should have a vested interest and care for them, as though they were your own. In a sense, they ARE.

I think a large source of your problem is that. You don't have a FAMILY in your house...there's you, and then there's him and "HIS" kids.

What can you do to start changing that environment? Given that you've been married seven years and that hasn't happened so far, I'm not sure that you can at this point...there's probably a lot of resentment on their side of things now too.

I'd SERIOUSLY suggest some family counseling for all of you.

This just makes me spitting mad. I wasn't going to respond but, well there are three kids involved.



First of all, they should be devoted to their Mom, and not you. You are NOT their mother. Your job is to be a good friend and a good host. PERIOD!

This is what you signed up for when you marrie their father and took custody of them.

The best you can do for these kids, the best you can do for yourself, is to encourage a working relationship between their mom and them. If you can do this, a friendship will most likely develop between the kids and you, and that is what your aim should be.

Leave the parenting to their parents, mom and dad.

You be a good host and a good friend, and I bet they will begin to look at you with fondness instead of resentment.

From Penalty Kill

I don't post often, but I felt that you deserved a response from someone who has been where your children are...in the custody of their father.

I'm not sure where people are getting the affair marriage vibe from, and it's really clouding the issue, as usual. My father and stepmother were married and had custody of me and my sister. Theirs was not an affair marriage, but whatevs.

In your situation, I think that you will have to steel yourself for delayed gratification. Your H's children (your step-children!) will be grateful to you when they are older *if* you continue to care for them as best you can. If you continue to resent them, look forward to years of misery. You have the power - you're the adult here, so start looking at your behavior, the only thing that you can change.

Look, children are needy. They need time, they need affection and love, and they need things that cost $. Give generously of the first two, and give the last in the amount that you can afford. Remember that all children can be annoying, yours, mine, and everyone else's.

You married this man and he had children; therefore, you married the children as well; it was a package deal. I would begin by considering them to be YOUR children since they live in your home. How do you introduce them to people? Do you say, "These are my H's children"? That conveys a separate quality to them, and children pick up on that. It makes it easier for them to shut you out, push you aside, and fixate on their mother.

One poster suggested that you should be a good "host" to the children. What.a.crock. If they are living in your house, you are not "hosting" them. The children are not guests in your home, they live there. On that note, do they do chores? All children should have chores, it helps to foster a feeling of family and everyone pulling together, and it helps you feel like you're not the lone jacka$$ pulling the cart. My stepmother was not my "host"; she parented me as best she could, and I'm sure that she struggled with some of the same feelings you did.

You state:
May I say it again: what.a.crock. Look, I am a FWW, and I will tell you that your H did not cheat because there is stress at home. He cheated because he chose to cheat. So let's not give him an excuse that will enable *you* to blame the children, even indirectly. They are innocents....

Now, when you say that you are nothing to your stepchildren, you are making a disrespectful judgement. You can't read their minds. Let them love their mother. Don't ever say anything bad about her to them; in fact, find something good to say! Open yourself to the children. Continue to give of yourself - generously. It will come back to you.

Take care.

PK

This is not true, that a step-parent is a parent. My daughter has lived with a stepmom who considered herself my daughters mom for the first part of their marriage and caused nothing but resentment in my DD, in me and problems in her marriage with my ex. Through mediation and court proceedings, counseling, she has finally come to understand that her place in my daughters life is NOT as a parent. The judge has told her that she is a legal stranger, nothing more. My DD has a mother and a father to act as parents, and DOES NOT need a step mother to.

A good host and a good friend. It is not a crock Penalty kill. Now through mediation and court proceedings, my DD has a stepmom who acts like a stepmom and not her MOM, which she already has, they have a good R (step mom and DD) now and it seems like stepmom has better marriage.

BTW, my DD minds her stepmom...treats her with respect, friendship, does her chores and is very easy to get along with. DD is not a guest in their home, she is a family member, so don't interject your own meaning into what I said.

Just state your own experience Penalty...not necessary to call my experience and opinion a crock.

From Penalty Kill

I did state my experience - right up front. I lived it - as the child. As far as calling your experience a crock - I didn't. I wasn't addressing your experience at all - it wasn't your thread. And I still do not think that a stepmother should be a friend. Children do not need adult friends. Children are not hosted in the home in which they live. As a parent myself, this is my belief. Feel free to disagree.

Further, a step parent does not have an easy time of it, particularly a step-mother, since childcare often falls into the province of female duty. It is a real balancing act. A step-parent that cares for the children, buys them things, takes them to their activities, etc., deserves more than to be relegated to the position of host. And that is my opinion, based on my life. YMMV

Everyone's experience is different. Many times one parent (including a mother) is unable to act as a parent, and a step-mother (not step-friend or step-host - there's a reason for the terminology) is called upon to care for the children as a parent would do. That is the kind of situation to which the initial poster was alluding.

The step-parent may be a "legal stranger", but when you're living with children and caring for them, it's a moot point. If the child needs to get to hockey practice, and the father is at work, should dkjjhkr say, "I'm only a legal stranger. I can't take you". Of course not.

I'm thinking of my experience, which I described, and the poster's description of her problem. Her H was a WS not that long ago which surely compounded her problems - do you suppose he was being an excellent parent at the time?

PK

Weaver,

I have always really liked reading your posts, but I have to take exception with this issue. I've seen you post on this before and it's really upsetting to me.

I am a full time custodial stepmom. And I am absolutely a parent. I'm not a "step stranger", I am a stepMOM.

Yes, MY kids have a mother. But I am the one who feeds them every day, takes care of them, provides for them. I make sure they have clean laundry, that they get to their activities, that they have representation at games, plays and parent teacher conferences. I am the one who gets the calls when a kid is sick at school, I'm the one who misses work to pick them up and take care of them, or to take them to the dentist or bring them whatever it was that they forgot at home. I'm the one who gets the calls from school when grades or assignments are problems. I'm the one who sits there and figures out homework. I'm the one who is there when they need to be disciplined, and I absolutely will do it. I am not some stranger who doesn't care if these kids grow up without morals or ethics -- I will absolutely make sure that they know right from wrong.

And I do all that because I am a PARENT and I love MY kids. Just like any other parent would do. I don't think a stranger would do any of those things. Not even a "good host". That's the job of a parent, and it's a job I knowingly signed up for.

Bio-mom is threatened by our relationship and does everything she can to cause problems. Including lying to the kids, telling them not to listen to me, and saying horrible things about me and their father.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Either way, **I** know who I am. I know the role I play and what I provide for these children. And I am absolutely NOT a stranger or a "good host".

Neither is the original poster here. All the work and care and worry and love that you put into kids as a MOTHER, I put into my kids, too. As a MOTHER. And the OP here puts into her step kids, too.

Parenting -- step or bio -- is often a thankless job anyway. It's even harder when you have someone trying to undermine you. Is it really so hard to offer this woman some support, or even just not respond, instead of lashing out and telling her that all the work and care and worry and love that she has put into these kids is not important and she's just a stranger and a host.

No way.

Yes, it is hard to be a parent when you have someone trying to undermine you, and I will add who does not honor a child's place as the parents child, or the parent's place a the child's parent. My DD was raised to honor her parents, and she loves us both very much. It hurt her greatly when her dad's new wife wanted to take my place as her mom, or to undermine it.

I feel very strongly about the roles of step-parents, and the roles of parents so I should not even be on this thread.

AmI, I did not lash out at her. I suggested a way that she may be able to develop a relationship with these children which is not one of resentment. Her step children SHOULD be devoted to their MOM, and to undermine that or to resent it places the starter of this thread in a position that could only cause more harm and resentment.

I value your thoughts AmIok, so don't want to argue about this with you. You have lived a different experience than I have, so we see it differently. You too PenaltyKill.

I agree that a step parent does not replace the bio parent, and that the relationship with the bio parent needs to be encouraged and developed.

I don't agree that there is only ever room for the bio-parents. A step parent fills the role of a parent, and it's ok to aknowledge that and maybe even appreciate it, instead of to be threatened by it and relegate it to the status of a stranger. Step parents aren't babysitters or nannies, paid to provide care to a child. They provide care because it's their role as a parent. Not a replacement parent, but an additional one.

I think that's particularly true when the step parent is custodial, as in the case of the original poster here. The bio parent is not available to provide much of the care for these children. So is it really best for the kids to be raised by "dad and some stranger that he married" or wouldn't they be better served to be part of a family, with a step PARENT who loves and cares for them like a parent does?

Advising her to be a stranger -- a "good host" robs the kids of the chance to live in a family. It makes them her guests, not her family. It demeans her to a servant status in her own home, responsible for doing everything she can to make the kids happy. I imagine that would only create more resentment, not less, and it certainly isn't going to help the kids grow up into upstanding, thoughtful people when they have a "host" around who they can stomp on at will. I believe that the situation you suggest will alienate her even more from the children, create more distance and separation. How can that be a good thing in a child's primary home?

-AmI.

AmIok, I am NOT my DD's Bio-Parent, I am her PARENT, as is her DAD. My fiance will be her step-dad, a good friend and host as is her step-mom...Period! My DD will not be confused about who her parents are, and I have a court order signed by a judge to back me, as does her DAD.

What is this "bio-parent" stuff? Parents do not become BIO-PARENTS unless they give their child up for adoption.

I'm a step-dad.

My oldest set of twins were my wife's by a previous marriage. They were divorced for about 15 months before I met her, so no panic of an affair marriage here.

In his case, he wanted little or nothing to do with them for the first five or six years that we were together. I raised them from the time they were 15 months old.

They are MY kids. They are NOT his kids. He never raised them, never changed a diaper, never helped them get over the loss of a pet, deal with a bruise or cut, disciplined them when they were bad...nothing.

He tried to get his visitation rights enforced when they were about 10 years old. He never once called them before then, never was part of their life in any fashion or form. Didn't even really make an effort to talk with them on the phone or anything leading up to that point.

I'm sure I'll tick off a number of people on this board, but I'll tell you the truth. I was NOT going to send MY kids to go live for a few weeks with a COMPLETE STRANGER. He didn't know them, they didn't know him...it wasn't gonna happen. PERIOD. I contacted a lawyer and started looking at our legal options to stop him, since he'd never made ANY effort at all prior to this. He dropped it on his own a month or two later.

My point?

"Step" parents are NOT less than 'real' parents. He may have 'fathered' them...I was their daddy from the time that they could remember. They've always known the truth...we never lied to our kids. They're 21 now...and have never once tried to contact their "bio-dad". I wouldn't be the least bit upset if they did now...they're adults and able to make their own choices and learn from what's gone on.

Sorry, but I personally feel that when I married their mom that I also took them on as "my" kids. I was their "dad" in everyway that they needed. I never discussed that aspect with my wife before we got married...it was assumed on both parts that this is how things would be.

I think that part of the 'rift' between the poster and her step kids stems from the possibility that she never 'accepted them as her own'.

We have custody of our nephew whose mother died in a horrible auto accident. I've always told him that I would never BE his mother (not possible) but that I would mother him the best I could.

I personally think it depends on the circumstances.

My kids are also not at all confused about who their parents are. And I am most certainly one of their parents, not a "host". I care much more about them than that, and we are a family in our house. There are no "guests" that need to be "hosted", and there is no butler, maid, chauffeur or other "stranger" "outsider" or "host".

I wouldn't even qualify as a "good host". A "good friend and host" doesn't make their "guests" eat their vegetables or do their homework, does not correct inappropriate behavior, does not work with teachers on action plans, doesn't make their guests go to bed on time, etc.

Now, their bio mother sees them for about three weeks a year, total -- if anyone in our sitch is a "host", that would probably describe her role much better than mine. But their dad and I do not and have not ever reduced her to that role.

I won't ever be reduced to that role, either.


It's ridiculous to expect a step parent (especially a custodial step parent) to just be a good host. What happens when a child needs correction or guidance, and the bio-parent isn't around? ...... "Sorry, can't help you with personal problems, that's a parent's job. Wait 'til your father gets home." ...... "Setting the house on fire is not a good idea. I'll call your mother and have her tell you to stop." ...... "Wow, it's probably not ok for your boyfriend to spend the night, but there's nothing I can do about it since there isn't a parent here to stop it. Hey, why don't I pour you both a glass of wine, like a good host?"

Ridiculous.




"Bio parent" is a legitimate way of differentiating the relationship to the child, in the same way that "step parent" is. You are your daughter's biological parent. I am my kids' step parent. Both are parents. Both have roles to play in bringing children up. And "good friend and host" isn't an appropriate role for ANY parent -- bio or step. Particularly for a parent that the child lives full-time with.


The original poster here is being treated (and allowing herself to be treated) as a "host" .... and not as a member of the family. A step parent is a part of a family just as much as the children are, and the step parent is just as valuable a part of the family. They aren't an outsider, intruder or stranger, and they aren't just someone hired to take care of the kids (like a nanny would be). The OP is as much a part of the family as her step children are. Being a "host" and separating herself even more is not going to help her family come together, and it's not going to make things any better for her step kids.

-AmI.

I should clarify some things I guess. When I met my H he and his wife were divorcing, he was living with his mom. SK were 1&2 when I met him. As it stands their mom has made a choice to not be in their lives as much as she could. She lives less than 3 miles from us, but chooses to not be involved.
I can not imagine how horrible it would be for my mom to not like me or not want me around(I could not handle that now and I am an adult.) As far as I am concerned, I am their parent. I can not be "good friends" with people that I take care of. My H and I have 2 children as well who are 2 & 3 and I can truly say without a shadow of a doubt being a parent to these children has been the best job I have ever had in my life. Parenting is not a thankless job. Every time one of my babies looks at me and smiles I am rewarded.
Someone made a point that all kids drive you nuts from time to time and that is true. All I want us to give the kids a better life. I TRY very hard to treat them like my kids and love them, but the kids can tell that it is forced.(Most people do not know that they are not my children.) I want to make things better for all involved. They are kids and deserve more than what I am giving. I have a tremedous amount of resentment that I have been to couseling for(after my H cheated we went to couseling for several months). What I have a hard time doing is forgiving him and forgiving his kids for treating me like crap when I sacrificed so much for them and they all seem to just spit in my face for it. I just want advice on how to make it better. Thanks for listening.

I think possibly, his children blame you for their parents not being together. I hope you can turn this situation around and wish you all the best.

I think there is a lot of good material around on the family dynamics of step children. Try having a look on the "Focus on the Family" web site.

dk..

you have to admit that your first post comes with a tinge of a lot of resentment towards both the children and their mom...

the real issue is that none of those feelings will serve you well in getting the goal you want...

and your verbage about marrying their father.....
sounds like you are saying I married him...not THEM (his kids)

I honestly do think you and he together needs some parenting support groups....

again and again just developementally the older kids are at an age where gratitude is not their first choice of response....

me me me\
more more more'...

you should know that it drives me crazy that I can take my nine year old girl to the library in the am for a program....
pool all after noon....
cook dinner...and she will still ask..

what are we doing next....

OR
I can be with her and she's great...let that phone ring with an invite to go anywhere and she's like a bullet out the door with me grabbing her by the shirt...

saying whoah...lil' one you can't go until you clean up your room...(atleast the six outfits you just tried on and threw down...)

let the fireworks begin....

one and two year olds ARE sweet....
they are loving...
they aren't so grateful though either....
based SOLEY on child developement...

why not get ALL focus off of the mom..

what would your life look like if you never ever spoke her name again ..
especially in response to anything she's NOT doing...
(meaning never say another negative thing)

what if you never said...

mom
could be
should be
doing this or that...

what if you never said another negative thing about her to your husband...no matter how hard you had to bite your tongue....

what would that look like...

what if you were interupt your own thought processes that begin in your brain with the list of things that she doesn't do...

in other words..

what if you quit giving HER all this power.....
cause YOU do that...

you can sit and moan and groan and wish for alllll the things she won't and can't do...
and it won't change anything....

so instead you realize it is all you....

and like others have said..the reward in this phase is later....

focus on you and your husband being a TEAM,,,,

the soft place to fall....

I often say to mine...that nine year old is driving me crazy....
do you know she had the nerve to say....

why can't we have TWO scoops of icecream instead of JUST one......
bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

it is very very difficult for kids brains to process empathy for things like sacrifice...
this is NORMAL...

this doesn't mean they are monsters..it's just not how the wiring is hooked up right now...

they need consistant reliable caregivers...

they need boundaries from a unified front...you and dad..with specific rules and expectation with specific consequences and follow through when broken...

why do you say/think the kids know your attempts are forced...why do you say..
what is your role in this....

ARK