Any advice would be helpful. My husband had an affair and he decided to leave the family. He is now saying that I controlled him in our relationship and no one thinks he should be with me including his family or therapist. I was not told of this and he always said he was ok. Things have been stressful and we were arguing but he never knew why he was angry. It seems that in therapy (which I suggested) he discovered it was me. Now he is out to show me how tough he can be. He is running circles around me because I am not someone who hurts people so if he is right it would make me sad that he felt that way - I just can't tell if he is telling the truth and also even if he feels he is or he really feels that way - what can I say to him to suggest counseling so that he can express these hurts b/c I really didn't know. Also, does all of this justify having an affair? Please let me know as I am struggling with saving my family.

Blow his babble away. It is depressing you.

How is he running circles around you?

L.

Hi Orchid,
Thanks for your help. He makes me feel awful- I am saddened to know if that is what I did to him. I thought we were the greatest friends and enjoyed doing things together. He never told me otherwise. I don't even argue with my friends- I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I can't believe I am going to lose my marriage to this and it is mixed in with his justification of his affair. I believe if I can get him into MC he will be told by the third party that if you don't tell someone x then how are they supposed to know you are unhappy. It just drives me to cry and feel awful. I want to save my family so much and he is just being hateful b/c he thinks he needs to stand up to me. He didn't realize I might have had postpartem or something else going on. I have been with him for over 10 years. It really hurts- he is not interested in helping me even though I have helped him to feel better in the past. It is almost like he was angry that he tried to help me and I didn't respond. Does all of this (if and I mean if) it is true justify an affair? What can you say to stand up for yourself? Hurting people is not something I do and to be accused of it flattens me to my core. Thank you for great advice.

You can say:

"When you are not honest with me about things you want or are dissatisfied with, you do not offer me the opportunity to meet your expectations. I care about what you want and need and I am willing to negotiate solutions with you when you are willing to be honest with me about where you stand."

You don't have to accept responsibility just because he is blaming you. You have the ability to discern what you are truly responsible for and what you are not.

Each individual is responsible for certain things. Those things include:

Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
Wants
Desires
Choices, etc...

All of the above that belong to you are on your property line, or side of the fence, and those that belong to HIM are his property.

Any time he tries to bring something that belongs on HIS property into YOUR YARD, picture it as though it were your neighbor bringing over a dead cat and leaving it on your doorstep.

Assuming you don't have a fondness for rotting pet corpses, tell him, HERE'S YOUR DEAD CAT BACK!

sahmom,

WS always try to justify their A by blaming the failing marriage on the BS. Their excuses are shameless! Once a woman told me that her WH blamed his A on her because she didn't get rid of fleas in their home. Mine blamed me because I changed our travel plans when our babysitter could no longer watch the kids for us. My oldest had final exams and I could not leave him to watch his younger sibblings. I often accompanied him on business trip but the one that I canceled caused him to have the A, that made no sense!

Don't be surprise if WS and OP will try to make you look like you're mentally unstable, and dangerous! Mine tried that too when I called them on the A. OW tried to make it look like I was paranoid and dangerous, that feared for her life because I was singling her out for no reason. I guess I proved her wrong when I handed her husband the report from my PI :-)

U r trying too hard. STOP IT.

The reason WHY he didn't tell you all is because he just MADE IT UP! That's what WS' do..... they babble.

Now you have a choice to fall for it or kick it back. Got your steel toe Stilettoes? Let's go kick some WS arses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you all for the great advice. I am really bad at not crying and feeling hurt. I have yet to get mad and I just hate this. I did nothing intentionally wrong and I feel like my whole world is upside down. I am so hurt- I just believe what he says is true. It is driving everyone nuts around me. How do you get stronger?

sahmon,

I read something interesting that I want to share with you today. You (and others!) will probably find the entire article interesting so here's a link: Top 10 Signs of Infidelity

But this especially reminded me of your sitch:


Sometimes it helps to know that you aren't crazy....and that the rationalization he's using is right out the wayward spouse script that we hear repeated again and again. It even made the Top 10!! Just remember....he's the one who's confused....and don't let him confuse you!

star*fish,
Thank you for the advice and the website. I will definitely read it. Also, thank you for the encouragement. I am really hard on myself- I have been trying to get angry but cannot no matter how hard I try. Thank you.

Did you read what Star*fish wrote? Read it again. You will find the inner strength you need to recognize you have been babbled on and in time you will be fuming mad that he has treated you this way.

What I recommend is that before you get to that stage, you learn how to diffuse his babble and save yourself the additional hurt.

See the WS means to hurt you. If it works on you, he as the WS will try to hurt others because your reaction justifies his actions as a WS. Crazy but true. That's why we call them aliens because they act soooo out of this world and that's not a compliment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now who else do you want to see hurt by this WS?

Let's get you to refocus then you will not feel the need to absorb his hurt. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid. I will try- it is just that I am trying to save my marriage but legally he is out to get me. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. I am at a total loss. You seem really smart so I must ask you- I have a lawyer who is more of a mediator but has been in family law for over 30 years. The other option b/c my spouse is trying to take everything is to go with a lawyer that can supposedly help you to live well off of divorce but he is 4 times more expensive. I think I will need as much support to get out of this- it is the worst thing and I am just not coping well. Any thoughts? Thank you.

sahmon,

Anger isn't necessary, but confidence IS! You have to be able to see the truth through the web of lies constructed to by the wayward spouse. He can't see the truth amidst the fog of fantasy and fiction....but don't let him convince you to doubt yourself.

In the signature line for Orchid....there is a link to her thread on "Reverse Babble". Click that....it will help you respond to this kind of blather from your WS.

Is the affair over?

Thank you. I don't believe the affair is over. Unfortunately, he feels it is all he has as he believes I am the evil one that stole his life. It just makes me feel awful- no one has really ever been mad, mad at me my whole life and it sucks.

I'm not a lawyer, just a mom who dealt with several WS'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It w/b good if both could team up and help you (if you ca afford it).

As for his blaming you, let him....that's pure babble. When u r ready, let us know and if you read my sig link there's a thread about reverse babble. This technique not MB endorsed has helped many. I like it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It gives the WS back their guilt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Stop wondering why. Why, why, why....it will drag you down. Don't deal with what was....deal with what IS. Until you understand that his actions are not your fault, you won't be able to do anything about your situation. I read all of orchid's posts that i can find. She has been invaluable to me. Follow her advice and you will be okay. Let this website give you the strength you need to deal with the emotional stuff, outside of this website pretend the emotions don't exsist. Go on the offensive and get your life back together. Everyone here will show you how.

P.S. Remember that you are not the evil one. It was your H's responsibility to let you know if he was unhappy in your marriage. Don't let him tell you it was ALL your fault.

SAH,

The dribble your wh speaks is very familiar to me. After d-day one both my FWH and myself started IC. From the filtered view of wh, his therapist said that he was controlled by females (I assume I was #1 or #2 along w/his mom.) He also told me for several years that he finally realized in therapy that he always put everyone else's needs above his own and always tried to please everyone else, he came last. So much bunk it isn't funny, most of the relationship it was about FWH, he didn't consider us overall (not as much as his own wants and needs). When he first started saying this I was a mess and thought he must be right. Mind you I had already allowed him to villianize me into thinking all problems were caused by me and so I bought this. As time went on, I would think to myself that I didn't agree but was trying to be supportive. Within the last year I said this was total bunk and provided many, many examples to support this. This confronting the wh doesn't happen overnight, it takes time to stand up for oneself, at least for me it did.

I didn't have MB'ers to advise what a load of #@&* this all was and how scripted it is. It still amazes me to read other's stories like your own and see that it all follows similar dynamics. It boils down to the ws is selfish and entitled and will make any excuse up to justify their behavior.

Please don't blame yourself for the A, the decision for the A is completely on your WH. The state of the M is both of your responsibility, but the A is all ws's.

In respect to the Attorney, can you do a cost/benefit analysis? In other words, if you hire the family attorney at the cost of $X, what dollar amt. can you estimate you may leave on the table for WH? Then look at the more expensive Attorney at a cost of $4X, what is the possible gain? Boils down to how much money/pension/401-K/assets/home/child support is there? I assume you have kids since your name could mean stay at home mom. In which case you have to be the guardian for your children, make sure that they will be provided for as best you can.

All the best,

nab

Psalm 46:10 is my favorite verse. My H blames everything on me also. I've heard everything from "you never loved me anyway" to "I never loved you." And every once in awhile he'll throw in something real good like, he never thought I spent enough time making the kids presentable (their hair and clothes). Appearance has always been very important to him. I knew it was over when he bascially said I deserve what I'm getting. Before I started reading these posts I thought I was the only one that heard that.

Please give us some details of the affair. The other woman's husband found out and notified you, is that correct? And now your husband is being named as a party to the divorce, right?

Are you snooping to see if there is still contact? I think your hubby is making you the bad guy to give himself more power to continue the affair. You need to step up and do what needs to be done to end the affair.

Psalm 46:10 has gotten me thru many hard times. I was also one of those women who felt everything was my fault. i spent our entire marriage thinking what I needed to change to make him happy. I never once thought it was him that was making most of the mistakes. I admit I made my share, but he was the one who was never content...not me. I see now what power he had over me and all the lies and manipulations I went thru. It wasn't till his A that I finally put an end to it all. He told me that if I hadn't been such a B****, that he would have never left me and then he wouldn't have been in a position to cheat on me. No matter what, it wasn't his fault. He is now a clinically diagnosed sociopath and is in intense therapy for it. Things are going good between us now, but it took me standing up to him and letting him know that I would no longer be his whipping stone. Get a backbone and stand up for yourself. You will be glad you did.