I feel at a loss. There must be something I can do. I have asked people who have been married over 35+ years and they said contact my husbands parents of the affair. I don't know if that would help. It has been a couple of months and he is just getting more mean. We have been together for over 10 years. I have contacted a few friends who have wanted to contact him but out of respect and embarrasment I told them not to. They believe he has lost it and I am struggling b/c there must be something I can do. Should I have the friends call? Or will it make it harder to return? The other thing is that I received an offer from Larry Bilotta (?) for marriage advice from the web. Anyone use this route before? I need to do something as I am afraid my inaction is taken to mean acceptance. I am trying to get him to agree to counseling and that is it- I don't know if the marriage can be saved but I am hoping. Thank you for any help.

Sahmom-

I'm sorry, I don't know your story. Did your H have an affair, or is he currently having one?

I guess I would need more details.

Sounds like your still dealing with a wayward spouse to me.

God Bless,

Caren

I've heard that until the WS stops ALL contact with the OP trying to go to marriage counseling together won't help.

FIRST the adultery has to STOP. Exposure is a tool to help bring that about.

Stick to Plan A and continue exposure. And yes, let the people you expose to talk to your WH about it. Let exposure do it's work in helping to shorten the duration of the adultery.

Dear Caren,
Thank you for your reply. He is still having an affair. I am new to this board and everytime I have a question I start a new thread. Is it easier to stay on one? Thanks for the advice. Do you think I should let his friends contact him? Thanks for your help

Tell everyone he knows and you know. Tell his parents. Expose expose expose... Get the affair out in the open...it will be the beginning of the end for the affair.

SAHM,

First, sorry you find yourself needing to be here, but am glad you found this board if you are dealing with a WH!

Yes, stick to one thread. That way we can know the history you may have already shared, which is very important. That goes for past and recent history.

We need to know what you have done so far, what your current plan is, etc. Otherwise you will continue to cover the same ground over and over.

Have you studied the Basic Concepts of MB? Have you gotten copies of the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs? Those are things you can DO that will help you understand what else you can Do to try to save your M

If this is the thread you are sticking with then post some vital statistics and background info here to bring us all up to speed.

Then, folks can help guide you.

Hang in there! You are not alone!

Sahmom,

It's best to keep everything on one thread, at least in the beginning.

I agree with the others, you need to expose to everyone. A's have a hard time surviving once the "secret" is out. If she is also married be sure to expose to her H.

LC

Sahmom,

First off, take a deep breath, ahhhhh. OK, you are bouncing all over the place. Try to stick to this thread. And we need to get your info in your signature, your vital statistics like how long married, how old your kids are, when you found out about affair etc.

So, go sweep the kitchen or load the dishwasher, then come back here and let's figure out where you are.

Plan A is where we will start barring some really odd situation. Do you know what plan A is? Have you read the stuff on this web site (not just the message board?)

Is your husband still living at home?

What do you know about the OW (other woman)

Keep breathing and let's get to work.

Sahmom-

Yeah, stick to one thread, that way anyone who is trying to advise you can look back and see what's been happening.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but this site is exactly where you want to be. I know how out of control you feel, I've been there....done that, but being here, and getting advice from people who have been through this, or are currently going through this is very helpful.

First off, you've gotten some good advice so far on this thread, you need to get the books, and you need to study up on what Plan A is.

Don't get discouraged by what he says, I know it sounds weird, but Wayward Spouses (WS) aren't in their right mind, they say all kinds of hurtful things, but they aren't themselves right now. Believe me....somewhere in there your husband knows what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't know how to dig himself out of it right now.

We compare people who are involved in extra marital affairs to drug addicts. They are addicted to the way the other person makes them feel. Other women are VERY good at catering to your spouse, but it's all a fantasy....that's why we're telling you to expose the affair...this injects a healthy dose of reality into the situation and the affair will begin to crumble.

I feel that you should begin with a good plan A for a few weeks though....this is going to show your WH (wayward husband) that he has a warm loving home life to come back to.

As far as his friends calling....I wouldn't stop them, but I wouldn't tell them to either. I would simply tell them to do what they think is best, because you don't want your WH to think that you're feeding them things to say.

As far as exposure goes, you need to hit them hard, and do it in one fell swoop. Make a list of everyone that you are going to expose the affair to: His work, his parents, his friends, your minister, her boyfriend, her family....anyone that can apply pressure to the situation. Don't approach these people like you want them on your side. Make sure they know that you are merely informing them of what is going on, that your WH has become involved with another woman and the negative impact this is having on your family, and the stress that it is putting on you.

Once you have your list and you've done a really good Plan A for a few weeks, you need to sit down and make all your phone calls at one time. If you have to contact anyone by mail, send the letters at this time too. The reason for this is so you can make the maximum impact and the maximum amount of pressure on the affair, all at once, and if you did it little by little, it may appear vindictive to your WS.

Prepare for him to be REALLY MAD. He'll yell and scream at you. He'll tell you that he was thinking of getting back with you, but now he's not because you did this. He'll shift the blame and tell you that it's basically your fault that he is having an affair...if you'd been a better wife, he wouldn't have had to....etc, etc. Just bear in mind this is all what we call being in "the fog".

When he confronts you about telling everyone about the affair, make sure that you are calm, and nice. Don't let him ruffle you at all. Let him know that you don't approve of him and the OW (other woman), and that you love him, and you'll do whatever you have to do to save your family. No matter what he says to you keep saying that.

As far as the divorce is concerned....I wouldn't sign anything!!!!! You don't want a divorce right? So why would you sign your name to something you don't want?

Again, when you refuse to sign the divorce papers, simply say that you are not going to discuss anything that involves the dissolution and harm of you family.

Well that's alot for one post. Let me know if you have any questions.

God Bless,

-Caren

Dear Jean36 and Caren
Thank you for all of your great advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have a toddler. I believe he is still seeing her and he has moved out of the home. I have remained quiet but would like to work on my marriage. It has been a few months and I thought he would be out of the fog but no reminders of his life with us has made a difference. He is really angry with me and our situation is such that I don't believe he thinks he is in the wrong. He is moving the legal process along at an alarming rate and he is acting like the one who has been hurt. I love my husband and I would like us to get back together so we can work through the problems. I did not know he felt the way he did and he felt compromised on so many issues. I am having a hard time telling truth from fiction. I am willing to do all I can to make this work but he is not interested in counseling. I do not believe in divorce so this is really all so difficult b/c especially with us I believe with good help we can see this through. Thank you for any help you can provide. I would like there to be a way where he can see the value of family and that he is the one who is leaving so his anger is under control- because that is what hurts and his words are very biting. Thank you.

In regards to a anniversary or special event like graduation, birthday etc. would you recc. buying a gift for the WS?

sahmom-

If your husband is still living apart from you, he's still a "wayward" spouse (apart from any extreme circumstances).

You've received good advice on exposure. Scorched Earth. Tell all who know him and tell them if they want to provide him some comment on his behavior, they are welcome to do so.


Start believing in it. You don't have to like it, nor does it have to be your choice, but it's real. Please don't stick your head in the sand regarding divorce. You said...


You have a child to protect. If you let him drive the legal train, you'll get railroaded.

Retain a lawyer, if you haven't already, have all discussion go through your lawyer and make sure you state your desire to fight for full custody and every last cent you're entitled to (plus a few more on top).


Nor can your husband. Regardless of what has happened in your marriage in the past, infidelity is not your fault. He chose this path -- you didn't push him down it.

Your priority is your beautiful child. Protect him/her. Get your financial picture together if he's got the legal process started.

I'm sorry that he has chosen this path. Wayward Spouse's on this board have returned to happy/fulfulling marriages after some truly "lost cause" cases....don't lose hope.

Blessings

Dear Artor,
Thank you for your encouragement and advice. If there was a way to agree to counseling I know we would be ok b/c I think there was a lot of noncommunication about real issues. He just doesn't want to go which I find very hurtful. I wish there was a way for us just to try counseling.

bump

samom,

Have you exposed? Have you gathered information re OW? Have you scheduled an appointment with an attorney.

This is the big league here and if you don't act soon, all the decisions that will affect your life and the life of your child will be made for you, without any input from you.

You are in a great place to get excellent advice from numerous folks who have been down this road and have made it successfully to recover their marriages.

They are giving you excellent advice. Are you listening?????

Who

Sahmom-

I hope everything is going okay. I apologize that my posting is infrequent. I'll try to check in more often.

Regarding your last post. This statement stood out to me:


Your WH will not be out of the fog as long as the OW is in the picture, and actually for a while after she is out of the picture. What you need to focus on at this juncture, is a plan to remove the OW from your lives and get your marriage back on track. (This is no easy undertaking, by the way, but you'll begin to feel a little better once you have a plan and begin to implement it. It makes you feel a little more in control of the situation when you have a plan of action.)



This is par for the course. They blame shift.....they have to. They have to justify, in their mind, what they're doing to their family or they would be monsters....and no one wants to think they're capable of being a monster, so they have to convince themselves that *this is okay*, *this is normal*, *it's not their fault*.


This is actually pretty normal, as far as these things go. They feel like the marriage is damaged beyond repair,so they think they want to get the divorce over with, like that's the only option. My husband, in his foggy mind, thought that since our marriage was messed up so badly that if he divorced me, we could start over with a clean slate. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that divorcing me would not solve those problems, that it would absolutely not give us a clean slate!! It was complete fog talk.

Have you gotten "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" yet??? If not that is the very next thing you should do.

I understand the sense of urgency to get everything fixed right away. I know that with all this going on that everything feels like a life or death decision, but it's not. Your marriage didn't fall apart in a day, it's not going to be fixed in a day.

The road to marital recovery is not a race it's a marathon, you have to prepare yourself for the long road ahead.

I have seen you mention counseling a few times, let me just tell you now that counseling at this time would be completely futile. Counseling should be saved for once you've entered recovery. The man you married is missing in action right now, that's why we refer to them as "Wayward Spouses" because although they look like the person we married.....they are not themselves by any stretch of the imagination and they have themselves convinced that they are doing the right thing. They will re-write history, they will tell you that things haven't been right for years, that this is somehow your fault (not that we as BS's are completely blameless) and the other person has nothing to do with why they don't want to be with you anymore. So since they are so deep in the fog counseling won't work. (BTW, my experience with most counselors that I talked to thought I should get divorce - and these were individual counselors not marriage counselors....just want to prepare you for them to say that to you.)

Please let me know once you've read the 2 above mentioned books, once you have the basics under your belt we can help you form a plan of action. I guarantee you that this is the best place you can be right now. This site is very supportive and will help you keep your sanity.

God Bless,

-Caren

Sahmom????? Where are ya?

Caren,

She will be posting soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid!

How are you, by the way?

God Bless,

-Caren

^Bump^