I could really use some input…. Will be married 18 years this coming November. Second marriage for me; first for my H. First marriage was to an abusive, wayward man; three children, now 25, 23, and 20. Remarried way too soon, this time to a supposed Christian, who turned out to be another abuser. I take responsibility for not taking my time before remarrying and doing more healing and maturing. I have another child from second marriage, 16.

It took until the fall of 2000 for me to finally realize how abusive my H was; all along he had me convinced that it was just that he was so perfect and I was a waste of a human being. We’ve been through two separations (first 2 ½ years, second 10 months), years of counseling, anger management for him, and lots of heartache. He has been back in the house since September, 2005. At first, things were good (honeymoon phase) and they’ve worsened again. He is angry, won’t talk to me for weeks and months at a time, refuses to meet my emotional needs (affection), punishes me by withholding sex for months at a time. Something is different this time too. Starting in the spring he would leave earlier for work, come home later after work (We’re talking anywhere from 45 min. to an hour and a half). He never volunteers info on where he’s been or what’s occupying his time. He also has started just disappearing without telling me he’s leaving or where he’s off to. He doesn’t invite me along anywhere.

After months of this disrespectful behavior, I made an appointment to see my counselor. When I described all of this to her, I realized that I was describing someone who might be in an affair. But that is so hard to believe about him. I was his first girlfriend at age 31. Prior to becoming a Christian, he went to massage parlors for sex, so he could have sex without the guilt and the bothers of a relationship. That is what I am fearful that he may have returned to; I highly doubt he’s having an affair.
Recently, he went away with high school buddies for a weekend to celebrate all of their 50th birthdays. When he came home, I quietly checked through his laundry and found 4 pairs of undies with semen stains on them. He says that it’s from wet dreams. (He tried that line on me during one of our separations too.) I read up on Wikipedia about nocturnal emissions, and his explanation doesn’t sound too plausible, at least not for a 50 y.o. man. These crusty stains are up near the waist band, like they are the result of an erection. Now that I’ve expressed my concerns, of course there have been no more incidents in the last week and a half.

All of these issues combined have been too much for me. H is now sleeping in another bedroom and coming and going as he pleases. I have done what amounts to Plan A countless times over the years, but now I realize that this doesn’t work with someone who is abusive. During the last 7 years, I have dealt with a lot of my FOO issues, went back to school for an associate’s degree and I have been working for the last 2 ½ years. I wanted to be able to take care of myself in case we couldn’t recover from this. I had been a SAHM prior to this.

So what does everyone think? Is he handing me a line of bull? Or maybe I just have my head buried in the sand His last angry line to me was, “If you have it so bad, if I’m really that abusive, why don’t you just move out?” He doesn’t want to be the one to leave, probably, because he knows this is it; I’m at the end of my rope. My 16 y.o. doesn’t want to leave our home, and does not want to move to another school district. I have been so torn about filing for divorce. It has been so hard to reconcile divorce with my Christian beliefs, but I am at a point that I can’t see any other way to end the madness. Counseling, anger management, separations; nothing has induced him to change his behavior. I have lost all hope. I am tired of the intense pain of being treated like I don’t exist. I am open to insights from others... oh, and a hug might be appreciated too.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you're finding yourself here.

I'm not sure what to suggest - and those more learned than myself will likely have more to contribute... but if your H is abusive and has not demonstrated a desire to change, it might be better for the M to end.

As for the "stains" - apologies for being graphic here but I'm going to be as clinical as I can be.. ejaculation only happens after an erection, so the stains being 'high up' mean that these events were more likely 'solo acts' or in fact wet dreams (either involutary ejaculations, or ones he prompted himself through masturbation). If he was having sex with someone - most of the ejaculate would end up elsewhere, not in his briefs. While I'm not saying that this is proof of his 'innocence', his explanation is in fact plausible, IMO, or if he was gratifying himself while clothed (at least in his underwear). JMHO.

I think that living for weeks/months at a time without even verbal communication is serious emotional abuse. What has your IC suggested? I would think even a pro-M MC would think twice about recommending you stay with this man - clearly it has taken a toll on your self-worth.

You don't deserve that kind of treatment - nobody does.

I'll defer to the veterans here for more profound insight.

In loving support,

JinGA

Why would your Christian beliefs allow you to stay in an abusive R? Mine doesn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for your child not wanting to move. Take it into consideration but don't let it keep you stuck in a bad situation. Children learn to adapt to a move.

Check out your local women's abuse hotline or shelter.

Secure your finances. Open a separate account for the family.

Check out the legal options in your area.

Identify and notify your personal support group....include your children. Ask for their assistance and say you will hear what they reasonably have to say. Then ask for their respect on the decisions you make since you are not able to divulge all to all in your support group. Thank them for their support.

Are you working with an MC familar with MB principals?

L.

Well, let's be gross, shall we? The undies were his, not some woman's is that right? And residue up near waist band? He could be taking care of himself with porn at a computer, not unzipping, he could be looking at porn in the car, again keeping dressed, or, and boy am I ever going back to the days of bench seats in cars -- he could be dry humping a female and both of them keeping their clothes on.

What are the laws in your state? Can you serve him with LSA papers or D papers and get him moved out? Get a restraining order? And keep your 16 yr old in school and secure through high school?

What he is doing IS abuse. It doesn't have to be physical. The unexplained time is a red flag also. He's got something going on.

Sounds like you are taking your life back, very smart.

What would you do if you had proof positive that he was cheating? Would you go on as you have been, or would you be ready to end your marriage? Are you better off married and living with him as you are? Or are you better off without him? That should be the first thing you get clear in your head.

Thanks to those that posted. I can concede that I may have overreacted to the undies thing. I just know that the leaving home without inviting me, and without saying where he is going is so disrespectful and a huge red flag. He claims that he's sneaking off to smoke cigarettes and go have a drink. He doesn't want anyone, especially not church people to know that he smokes and drinks. He even tries to hide it from me and our son.

Orchid, I am working with a counselor who is experienced with working with abuse. We've gone to an MC that uses MB principles before, but without good, lasting results, I believe, largely due to the abuse issues not being addressed.

I've had my own account for a number of years; I am in the process of trying to build it back up and also pay down my car loan and my one and only CC in order to lower my expenses. I am going to start going to the local women's shelter so that I can avail myself of the legal and financial counsel there.

Bellevue, there is not LS in my state. After filing for divorce, I could try to file for exclusive use of the home, but generally in my area you have to have really good cause. Ive known a couple of women in verbally/emotionally abusive relationships that asked for the use of the home and were denied, left to try to hang out until the divorce was final.

If I had evidence of cheating, I would end all this madness. First hubby was a serial cheater and I hung on til the bitter end. If I weren't dealing with the abuse, and an admitted lack of love and respect from my H, I might try to work through it, but I've been ground to a pulp for 18 years now and I've had enough. I used to think that I was better off staying in the marriage for financial reasons and because I didn't want to break up the home for my youngest son. That is no longer true. My son needs a peaceful home and the stability and strength I can offer him. Although I make approximately 1/6 of what my husband earns, I am looking for full time employment, and that plus child and spousal support will be enough for me to get by on. Get this; I got a phone call yesterday from a company that I had NOT applied to, asking if I would come in to interview for a secretarial position. The business school I graduated from a year ago handed out my resume without asking me first. I won't complain though.

As for my Christian beliefs and whether or not to stay.... after 18 years of this garbage, I too can not believe that God wants me to stay any longer. I have come to the conclusion that my H broke the marriage covenant REPEATEDLY. But every pastor that I've talked to, while they believe separation is called for, they also believe that divorce is only allowed in cases of unrepented-for infidelity. One pastor, my husband's, doesn't believe in divorce for any reason. I wonder why my H is attending that church? (She asks, sarcastically)

Going to run for now. I will check back later. Thanks again.

I have had this dilemma as well. My view now is that God does not want us to divorce, but he also wants us to recognize that each and every human being has free will.

You can file for divorce with the understanding that you will be open to reconciliation. Filing for divorce can be necessary for separation in the cases when financial support of children is required.

Cherished