Overall in my eyes of course it has been a really low conflict marriage. Yet I am an adult child of alcoholics and did slip back into drinking myself through the years but never did it cause problems(not a passerout or anything)just liked to stay up playing music watching movies and have a few after the kids go to bed.

The biggest problem that she has always complained about is my always wanting more and nothing she does is good-enough. She has been a depressed person her whole life from what her father tells me but to look back through all our video and pictures and memories we had it so good.

4th of July was major fireworks. Finally uncovered her lies and found out she had been having some kinda affair and it does seem it was strictly cell phone converstions and nothing more....but the amount of calls for 2 months was constant so I know this divorced man she was dumping on was not just "hi how ya doin' stuff like she maintains it was.

Unfortunately the kids were in the middle of it and she had even confided to my 15 yearold step-daughter who I claim for my own since she was 3, claiming this was just a friend to talk to but of course she didnt say how often and at what hours they were speaking.

Anyway, things have been really bad with her running to her dad with the kids for 2 weeks and taking 3 weeks off work. I spent 2 nights in the looney bin. At first she wanted to work it out as well as I but then I had a moment of weakness about the affair and it was too much for her and then she kept saying we were done.

At first she wanted me to stay in my music studio and even move my stuff out but still do everything else as normal. I agreed at first but after 2 nights of my son crying to me about it I said enough. I basically have put the ball in her court and said we either work on it and see a counselor or we walk away and finally said the D word which shocked her and she immediately sat up and said no one has mentioned that and it seemed she doesnt want that either.

She has always just swept everything under the rug. Oh and by the way I have been making so many changes to my life that I had been wanting to do for years. I had backslided with my spirituality and now I am doing for myself not just to get her back. She of course is furious about that I waited too long. But through the conversation she kept saying "fine set it up" about going to counseling but I would not accept that as an answer. I said she has to really want it and not make me feel she is just going because I have "brow-beaten" guilted her into it.

I finally said okay when you are ready come to me and you set it up. She also has stated over and over in the beginning that she just wanted me to go away for awhile, she has been really unstable...says she has nothing left for me and maybe even the kids. She lost her mom in her 20s and her first husband tragically as well. I feel she has never really dealt well with those events and we live in the same house where it all happened.

The last couple of days have been pretty smooth. I am staying in our room and even stay on my side of the bed, but I know she is still not ready. She has bought an airmattress and sleeps in our sons room. She usually sits in a different spot at the dinner table away from me now as well except for last night which went really well.

I keep thinking and hoping that she just really needs for everything to settle back down before she can figure out what she wants. During the big convo she would get mad and say stuff that would come across as "it doesn't matter what I want or need" "you always got to have it your way""you just want me to give in again" she acts like it is all just a game for me and she has really dug her heels in but I tell her it is not about winning at all. We have to do this for all of us....it is the best solution.

I came from a broken home and the kids never do recover. Our kids have been so happy up until now. It is so hard having patience and waiting for her. I checked her phone again though and found she had asked advice 3 days ago when she was having a rough time from her old lawyer buddy if she should "lawyer up".....but she tells her family thats not what she wants in a round about way as well.....really confused.....do I just go along and keep making the homefront happy as can be.....do I stop my direct payments and open new account because she handles all the money since she works at the bank. Just seems like that would cause another tailspin.

She just says to quit pushing and let her figure it out. Oh and it does really look as if this affair is over but so afraid he will go through her window again one day at the bank.....she says she will have someone else wait on him but sometimes she is the only one there.

I just wish she would ask 2 questions of herself and I wish I could ask her to ask them but I am afraid to say anything else at this point to upset or rock the boat. "Does she wish she felt better about our relationship and does she wish she felt lovingly toward me again, because she has so much during our marriage"
[color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color] Just back in June we were really reconnecting again because she had finally gotten off her depression meds that seemed to be killin her and now I think she is back on everything and more. Sorry for the long story but I felt it was important to share all I could in hopes of getting good advice on what to do from here on out.

If I were a ACOA, I would not drink at all. You say it doesn't cause any problems - well at least you say you don't pass out...........

What were some of the things that she complained about BEFORE the affair?

Not much complaining. She always keeps everything within. Yes she did not like the drinking and I am being truthful when I said I never passed out or anything. Her biggest problem with me is that I am a perfectionist and she feels nothing she ever does is good enough for me and she has given up trying or caring. I understand that now and it is another symptom (problem) of being an ACOA. I am working to free myself from that condition but I just hope she gives it another chance instead of closing the door.

Another question - did you always have things your way?

I dont believe I have. But now I believe she does and says she always gave in. We would have talks from time to time but always seem to agree on matters but later I found out that she would end up doing the opposite of what we agreed on and even going behind my back with issues with my oldest daughter and having it be their little secret. and it was an issue she seemed to agree whole-heartedly about. I realize I have alot to work on myself and I am doing so but this behavior she is continueing is not healthy. It seems to be teaching my kids that it is okay to hold resentment and anger. I know we are both hurting terribly from all this but I am just waiting now for her to come to me and let me know which way she wants to go with it. I am committed to this relationship and will do whatever it takes to rebuild our love and trust.

OK...paragraphs are your friend.

I have a LOT of trouble reading posts like this, with everything jumbled together. You're more likely to get more responses if you use punctuation/paragraphs. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for the suggestion

DC,

Hey, I was gonna say what Owl said. Thank you for considering my old eyes in reading your posts. I appreciate you doing this very much.

I saw where you changed the title of your thread...added to it...(and I'm glad you chose to move over to this forum).

My contribution right now is that hope and patience are choices...

You choose to have hope...totally under your control...

And you choose to act patiently.

Thank goodness they aren't some ethereal intangible which strikes at will, huh?

Are you going to a few meetings a week (ACOA)? That's some great self-care, DC. Thank you for doing that for yourself.

Now, what's your Plan? Did you get Surviving An Affair? Have you read it?

How about identifying your Love Busters (LBs)? And then eliminating them?

In ACOA, are you learning your limits and power as a human being? That you are not the cause, control and cure for your WW, nor is she yours?

Do you have a sponsor yet?

How about you not waiting for her to decide decisions which are only yours? One of which is...have you set your goal to save your marriage? Is that what you want? Have you decided to believe that you can recovery (personally and maritally) and have a thriving union?

We recover and heal in our lives, when we choose to recover and heal. I say this because of your statement about children of divorce NEVER recovering. What a sentence. Never is a really long time. Certainly can feel like a wound for life. Make different choices, have different feelings as a result.

Empower yourself, your kids...through your learning, sharing and choosing to have a different life experience than you have had...see where your belief that what you do or say, or are...a perfectionist...makes another person think, feel, perceive or believe...is making you more powerful than you possibly can be.

We are only half of all our relationships. We do, others feel/think/believe. Half and half. Half is what they choose to perceive. Know your half. Mind your half. Focus on your half. Respect they have their half...that their feelings are valid and are about them, to them, from their own beliefs.

Respect your own.

One partner cannot sweep everything under the rug...takes the other's permission to not move the rug. You can move it...live in truth and act from it...doesn't mean you can make her stop sweeping.

God's design of marriage is beautiful...means two whole, complete, marvelously made adult human beings make one union...not one person. One partner cannot change the other partner. However, if one partner changes themselves, the union is changed.

God made it so we cannot guilt, brow-beat, chastise, shame or coerce others into doing what we want...we do not have that control. Nor can we make another person give up their choice, hand over their own control to us. Sure can experience life as if this were true. It isn't.

If you want to live from respect...act from it. Then you will experience a respect-filled life. Same for love, honor, gratitude...whatever you choose. Understand you are separate and equal people...made from the same hands. If you want to learn to act from respect, choose to listen and repeat when others speak. That means you listen to them and repeat back what you heard, to confirm or clarify. Cuts out assumptions...and we have a lot of those in our filters...they cover our ears...our eyes, too.

Why not choose clarity as your goal? Strive first to understand, then be understood?

Then your children will learn to live in truth, act from respect, and have thriving lives as a consequence of their choices.

My desire is to see you change your choice of beliefs, perspective and perceptions...even your thoughts...because you were not made a perfectionist, you chose to be one. And a perfectionist has no intimacy, do they? I mean, isn't holding yourself and others to perfect standards just another way to not be intimate with real humans, who you already know, are perfectly made and nowhere near perfect, uh, for a reason?

LA

Having a hard time yesterday and today.

Cannot help still checking her phone records and phone.

Intercepted a text message and this appears out of the blue for her and I know she has no control. But it was from some guy Keith who is not the original cell phone OM.

Dont know who this would be and upon research I found 3 calls back in January and 3 calls in March when I was in Germany. Only one of them was a long call of 12 minutes.

It is driving me crazy even though the text just said "How have u been doin?" It doesnt appear she has responded.

I am afraid I will be shooting myself in the foot if I try to find out who it might be. There are a couple of guys I know of that would bring me relief knowing it was them but then if I find out it was some stranger to me I will be freaking out again.

No matter what if I confront her and ask her we will be right back where we started especially if it was no one to worry about.

We have been making progress I think and I think she is trying but still not talking. She seemed to change after I wrote her a nice long letter of understanding and my firm committment.

Please advise what I should do about this.....and how do I stop checking her phone.

I want to trust again but it is so hard when she has not just come out and said "yes lets work on this"