I think sometimes a WS will lie to the BS because deep down they do realize they are doing something wrong... but sometimes they will lie to the BS because they believe what they are doing is harmless/OK but the BS has a 'jealousy problem' and unreasonable expectations. The latter seems to be what the fogged-up WS will claim anyway regardless of whether or not they eventually admit to themselves any wrong-doing.

Unfortunately, LOTS of people fail to realize the inappropriateness and danger of an EA so that level of public ignorance works in favor of the EA. Most of what MB's advises BS's to do in response to EA is commonly viewed by many to be inappropriate 'controlling' behavior on the part of the BS! In fact I recently saw an advice column in the newspaper where a woman who was having an A and therefore telling her BH she wanted a divorce was complaining about her BH 'spying' on her. (I think it said he was checkign her cellphone records and e-mails and such) The advice columnist basically told the woman that her husband's behavior was unacceptable and even abusive! She advised her to seek help from a local woman's shelter!!!
And that was a PA, imagine how much more inappropriate the BH's response would have been considered if the WW were "only" having an EA and not saying she wanted to divorce. (Apparently to some simply saying you want a divorce entitles you to start behaving as if you already ARE divorced...) Also, if you look up info about abusive behavior 'controlling' habits like checking up on a spouse are often listed as evidence of abuse. BTW, adultery or even threatening or implying you will betray your spouse with adultery is ALSO listed as evidence of abuse BUT few in our society recognize that as a form of abuse!

Recently, my fresh-mouthed, sassy, youngest daughter (just turned 16) made a comment to me about how I was "practically stalking" my WXH. It was blurted out completely out of context of the conversation we were having so it surprised me. She had just spent a day with WXH so I figured it was probably something he had said to her about me. I simply pointed out to her that I don't even have contact with WXH and have had little to no contact with him for years so I can't imagine what she's referring to! She quickly changed the subject and was obviously sorry she brought it up.

My bet is he is (still) rewriting history and was complaining to daughters about his bitterness about how I supposedly "made" OW dump him because I called her a couple of times to tell her what WH was telling me and doing with me. Plus I did find out OW's identity by checking his cellphone bill. I did contact a few peple to expose the adultery as part of Plan A. And I did go to the OW's home two times when my WH's car was parked there (but they wouldn't come to the door). This all was done many years ago and while we were still married.

What's really funny is that OW really DID stalk WXH. One day when we all spent the day together she kept calling him on his cellphone and was trying to follow us around in her car! WH started driving like a madman trying to kepe ahead of her. We were in a vidoe rental store and he kept going out front and looking up and down the road and said we had to leave right away. He got angry with her, turned off his cellphone, and instead of dropping us off at home he came in and watched TWO movies with us. His cellphone record showed he called his ansering service right after he left my house that night and listened to 10 minutes of messages LOL! (no doubt her chewing him out for spending time wiht his wife and kids) The next day, after months of demanding access to my home, claiming he had a "right to come over every evening to have dinner with us and watch movies" he suddenly refused to even get out of his car and come to my door. I guessed he was afraid she was having somebody follow him to see if he'd come in my home - LOL
The same daughter once complained to me that when her daddy picked her up for visitation one day as soon as he drove out of my driveway he called OW and told her which daughter he had with him, where they were going, what movie they were going to see, and when it ended! Now that sounds 'controlling' to me...

Anyway, unfortunately much of what is advised for accountability in a successful marriage, let alone a marriage trying to end and recover from adultery is thought of as 'spying', 'controlling', etc. and THEREFORE part of the reason why adultery is running rampant in our society.

I tried (with apparently no success) to explain to my WH why an EA is wrong in itself and also dangerous because it often leads to PA.

I guess males sometimes think a PA is OK because it was "just sex" and they didn't (at first anyway) "love" the OW...

While females sometimes justify an EA because "it's not sex"...

But in each case the adulterous spouse is allowing an OP to fulfill an important emotional need: sex for the male, conversation and emotional bonding for the female.

I though that maybe if the BW tries to explain to her WH that him having "just" an EA with an OW is in a way like her having "just sex" with an OM he might get it?

Or if the BH tries to explain to his WW that her having "just" an EA with an OM would be like him having "just sex" with an OW it would help her understand the betrayal involved?

In both cases, a WH having "just sex" with an OW, or a WW having "just" an EA, there is a btrayal by allowing an OP to fulfill what may be the most important emotional need.

In fact, I also believe that in some cases women can become addicted to romance novels (some of which are basically soft porn) in the same way that men become addicted to pronograpy. The males prefer more visual porn while the women prefer more linguistic porn... In each case again, an important emotional need is being met outside the marriage...

OK, I want to say some more about the definition of abuse including the accountability habits recommended for protecting your marriage from adultery...

I have yet to see this issue addressed anywhere. Public ignorance regarding this is rampant and adulterers often employ their BS's 'spying' as an excuse for their adultery (even if the adultery came first and the attempts to monitor came second). I guess it bothers me that the spousal abuse experts/volunteers include accountability behaviors in their list of abusive behaviors. IMHO the adultery prevention/recovery expoerts should initiate a dialogue with the domestic abuse expoerts about this. Since adultery is already a form of abuse (as acknowledged by some, maybe most abuse experts BUT not coomonly known by the general public as such) how can the resultant lack of trust and therefore requirement of accountability then be seen as 'abuse' on the part of the betrayed spouse?

Also, listed as a sign of abuse is trying to pevent your spouse form having contact with other people (friends & family) I do agree that it is inappropriate to try to prevent your spouse from having relationships with family and friends normally, or with trying to isoalte your spouse, BUT there needs to be a distinction made when it comes to a spouse with a problem like addiction or adultery demanding to continue contact with the OP and enablers.

I personally think it would be a LOT easier preventing and recovering from adultery if soem of these misconceptions were clarified to the general public.

Worse, sometimes well-meaning people who are in a position to influence kind of talk out of both sides of their mouth - giving a contradictory message. If you were to ask them to comment on whether or not a certain behavior wer appropriate they wouldn't be able to answer unless given a specific context to judge it within. If a WS is complaining to them about a BS cheking up on them they might say the BS is doing something wrong... but if a BS is asking whether or not they should trust a WS they might say not without proof that the WS has ended the adultery... This stuff is difficult enough to deal with without having such confusing input from the so-called experts.