Rwinger and Smartiepants2: Sorry.. didn't mean for you to think that I missed your posts.. I've read and actually printed out a good portion of Mortarman's contributions.. they are also an invaluable part of sustaining my stand.

Keeping my head up... continuing to breathe.. and praying like a hoard of demons is on my heels.

Oh.. and for those of you looking for commentary on the Wednesday night exchange this week.

There really isn't any..

WW showed up 10 minutes late.. rang the bell.. DD opened the door while I got DS's jacket on..I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him, and as soon as he was clear of the door, I closed and locked it behind him without a word and barely a glance at WW... I just couldn't do it last night.. the way she's treating her family I was afraid I'd blow it right in front of DD and DS.. they don't need to hear it.. so I zipped the lip.

Bravo James. I heard you come to a decision in your very straight forward post. You didn't waver, you didn't continuously ask yourself that same question over and over as you have done till now. You made a decision. Good for you. Now, remember how you felt as you were writing that. James, that is exactly what you need to get you through this. What you need to save your family. Get mad, James. Get defensive...get going.

Nicness and placidity have their places, but you have tried to be these things for too long. Keep that feeling with you and do what you know you have to.

James

GC's post -- that was what I was trying to get across to you. She just said it better and shorter!!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great news about Christmas and DS. God is good.

Smartie

Thanks Guided.. Smartie..

I'm feeling strong today. The daily devotional and Catholic readings for today are filled with hope, and encourage me to trust that the Lord is working in our lives.

It seems almost as if there is a delicate balance of 'strength' between my WW and I.. where at first her strength and anger to leave the marriage made me feel weak and defeated.. I was truly a mess.. it's odd to me to see the tables turning this way now.. although the situation has changed little.. I'm feeling strong these days and all of the signs say that my wife is very conflicted, hurt, and angry.. which is where I was only a few months ago.

I could let my mind wonder on it for hours.. but I won't. She is in God's hands.. and I trust that he is working for the benefit of my family, my wife, my children.. whatever the best outcome is.

Nothing new to report on any conversations.. went and played music with a few guys last night, and finished up a song we had started on Sunday night.. it's sounding very cool, lots of timing switches and offbeat rhythms that really characterize the type of music I've been looking to play for a long time. It's been very healing to get out and play again, and enjoy even the collaboration process.

James,



PERFECT!

Hang in there James,

The good thing is you're taking care of you and relinquinshing control.

Believe me I know how hard it is to do that. Now I strongly suspect my WxGF has Borderline Personality Disorder which means doubly do not try to control or influence. It's hard she wants to meet to do "business" i.e give me a cehck but she wants to do it in person? Yet a month ago she didn't want me to pick up my mail and she would send it to me?

She's just 2 days out of the A so she's clearly fogged in completely.

Heya Infodude

Well.. I'm sure you can expect more and more weirdness as time goes on. I hope for her sake that she's actually going to get clear of a relationship and have some time to get her head straightened out before getting involved with you again, or anyone else.. that's a tough sitch.

The more I read about BiPolar disorder and depression, the more concerned I get about what may really be eating my wife. I almost pity her as I think about it.. how messed up things are for her right now and she doesn't even seem to notice.. she's gone and turned her back on everyone in her life that actually knows who she is and truly cares about her.. that's got to be a really ugly place to wake up one day and find yourself.

I typically talk to DS on the phone each night.. WW called about an hour before my usual time though.. saying they were going out of town tonight and wanted to make sure I got to talk to DS.. first time anything like that has happened since all this started.. typically if they're out doing something I'd end up with voicemail and have to wait however long a callback took... If they're taking the kids.. I'm sure she could have had them call me back after whatever they're doing.. If they're not then they'd have been at the coworker's house when I called.. soooo doesn't make much sense unless she just wanted to try to get me to react that they were going out of town tonight.. Either way.. I guess it's nice she thought enough of me to make sure I got to talk to DS tonight.

They're actually going to the town I lived in when she and I met.. her only real experiences in that town are with me, and we did a majority of our dating there.. probably lots of memories.. good ones.. there for her and I... I told her I hoped she had fun... In retrospect I -should- have added that I hope she didn't get lost.. There's a handful of funny stories of her getting lost in that town when we first started dating.. would have been a good 'haha' to slip in there.. I guess I'm still getting the 'quick' part of my wit down.. it's coming folks.. it's coming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah more weirdness to come. Problem is I can't tell whether it's defogging, bi-polar, or borderline personality disorder.

They all mimic each other. Laff she didn't need the A to act a bit bonkers.

I think many waywards have bipoalr/BPD/NPD. They can't conceptualize beyond the infatuation stage of lvoe and the chemicals needed to replace dopamine aren't there in enough abundance. Hence the reason they can just break off.

That part of the problem my WxGf wants to meet with me to see if I'm still under her thumb. She needs constant validation from men to feel significant. It's sad really because ooutside that problem she's the total package, beautiful, intelligent, witty, personable etc.

However, that being said the problem with my wXGf and your WW is that they can't deal with the guilt shame so they want to be free and happy. Problem is that can only last for so long.

I wonder how hard it was for her. It's hard for me to pass by or go through my old city because it's a trigger. So I wonder if your WW is going there and is rediscovering her roots or if she's trying to rewrite history.

Actually.. what I'm starting to wonder is how hard it is for -him-.. I can't imagine they made a trip to that town without me coming up at least half a dozen times.. she likes talking about the past a lot early on in a relationship.. I got to the point where I had to ask her to stop talking about her ex husband.. it kept ruining nice evenings.

Shoulda been a red flag too.. hindsight is great no?



In other news... guess who got invited to the IL's Christmas brunch?

God works in mysterious ways.

We are GODDESSES..you are a WARRIOR!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hehe.. why do I get an image of me in wode lifting my kilt and beating my chest at my WW and Wonderboy?


LOL...

my WxGF was divorced too but she didn't talk about her past unless I was asking or we were having a serious discussion.

Hey Warrior James:

You know how I say: Head up..chest out...

For you it's: Head up..beat your chest..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Not to TJ here but I wanted to make a quick comment on this statement.

And I have thought about this alot but never written it completely down. For me, being bipolar, the A was about the "hole". I think that I have an emotional hole that's filled with pain that I have struggled my entire life to fill up with something else. Schools, friends, marriage, kids, the house I lived in, work. I know this sounds kind of far out. The A was so addictive because I needed it to replace my pain. Does that make sense??

I've since learned that only God can fill that hole- and for me to search for something else to fill it up will only end in vain. Because it's a God sized hole and only He can fill it.

James, I do read your thread everyday. I just haven't commented lately. I have lifted you up in prayer though.

OH Coachwife,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE THIS IS!

ONLY G-d can FILL US UP, only him.

And I believe that is what my WH is doing in his A.

It's a HARD lesson to learn and I NEEDED to learn it to.

SG

Thanks for the comment CW,

I think it is appropriate because James thinks the same may be true with his wife. Lots of very high functioning bi-polars who are undiagnosed.

In my case I know she has depression and she's showed me strong signs of BPD.

It is completely about filling the hole of unhappiness.

James keep ypur head up man and keep being you, you are a great father to do your kids take pride.

Hehe.. thanks Infodude, Mimi, CW, SG..

I appreciate you guys keeping me in mind over the weekend.

Rough day today.. Mass centered around Fathers and the family.. really made me long to have my happy home again.

I'm not sure what it's going to take for God to get through to my WW.. I have an email that I should just discard, but is saved as a draft.. very non-MB.. and so far I'm getting results.. however small going the MB way and listening to God for direction on everything.

*sigh*

Just one of those rough days where I run through some of the things that have been said by her to others and to me that cause me to doubt and lose faith.

God keep me strong.. God please bring me a miracle..

I keep playing out future scenes over and over in my head.. if she comes back broken... if she comes back angry.. if she comes back only out of need for someone to support her..

I'm almost afraid that the standing is the -easy- part of this.. and I wonder if I'm going to have the strength recovery would actually need.. I can only trust that God will provide.. but days like today I see my strength flagging.. it's ok though.. I'm moving through it.. keeping busy.. watching football and doing laundry today.

This time of year it sucks to be away from people you love..

From her actions, her distance.. everyone can see that she -knows- what she is doing is wrong.. and I think it hurts all the more to see that.. and watch her be unable or unwilling to stop herself.

Too much time spent thinking about her.. need to do something else.

Just venting folks.. needed a place to put it.. I love her, and God do I miss her..

Hi James

Glad you came here to vent and didn't send that email. We get it.

It's also hard when you are praying for God to do something, and you can't really see what's going on. It's kind of like the birth of Jesus. Actually when He was born it was pretty unremarkable-except to some shepherds who got to hear the angels sing. And then it was 30 years before He started His real work on this earth. Now, I'm not saying it will take God 30 years for this, but it's just that God has His own way of doing things and sometimes those things are so ordinary that we may not see the miracle in them.

Also, a friend of mine said something early on in all this to me "God knows how to deal with your WH much more creatively than you can even imagine." (That made me think of Jonah and the big fish).<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But, it's true. Our WS's are God's prodigals, not ours. We can safely leave them to Him.

Hang in there-

Thank you so much for reminding me of what I needed to hear most. I've been saying for weeks that I can -feel- God working on the other side of the mountain.. and here I come, on the Lord's Day.. with doubt.

I am ashamed of myself for it.. but I know that I should take heart, and hold strong, and simply believe that God is doing His work.. and His timing will be perfect.

I do believe.. I believe in all of those things I said the other day.. I believe God -wants- me to be right where I'm at and hoping and praying and putting my faith in Him to resolve this..

It's way too easy to let the doubters and the naysayers take hold.. it's easy to focus on what you do not have rather than the blessings you do have..

Maybe it's the weather.. freezing rain.. gray outside.. I'm bored watching football and doing laundry today... it's also the kind of day WW and I would just cuddle on the couch and let the kids play and make a mess of the house.. which typically irritated me.. but I'd give anything for that minor irritation right now.. for the comfort of having the woman I love in my arms.

Funny.. she didn't feel appreciated in our marriage, or so she said.. didn't feel intimacy.. felt like we were roomates.. but -now-.. I wouldn't take a moment for granted.. I'd be a man who could make her deleriously happy for the rest of her life.. I'd be a father she and her children could be proud of and look up to.. I know how to do those things now.. I know not to ever get complacent or lazy again..

Ahhhh.. God's time will come.. I just wish He didn't have such faith and confidence in me or my patience..