Well.. in that respect Bugs, I think I am taking control of my life back.

I didn't respond to her email, and I'm not going to show up. She invited me the day prior and I accepted for DS.. not for her.. I was going to completely ignore WB at the party and just enjoy the time with DS and his friends. I thought it would have been nice for DS to have her and I both at his party.

I did take control of that situation in the respect that I did go to the daycare yesterday and have a little party with him and his friends there.. and the ladies from daycare (who by the way are -all- praying and pulling for me to win the custody fight).. I took control of my participation in his life by taking him to that pizza place (as I had actually intended to do even before hearing about her little party) and having a family celebration for him there.. we had fun opening presents yesterday and playing together.. and tonight we're going to his favorite mexican restaraunt and I'm going to have them sing, bring him a sombrero and a tasty treat... we're making a whole weekend out of it. She can have her day a week and a half after the fact.

I really don't see myself as sitting with my hands in the air at this point. The custody eval is on... and likely my best shot at getting custody of DS. I'm putting my best foot forward in this fight and I'm not going to give up until I get the maximum time possible with my son.. even if that means I'm fighting long after the D is over.

Plan on calling those childcare employees in to testify on your behalf in the D.

Its extremely unfortunate that you lawyer was too freakin' slow to get the eval done while your WW was living at WB's parents. That would have been an incredible advantage. Is there some reason this was unable to happen?

Nice job not taking the bait on the Bday issue. Separate holidays are just a part of the deal now. All you can do is be responsible for your time with him, and try to make that be as much time as possible.

While I agree with this to some degree, at the same time it also gave her the out of saying 'well.. -this- is where I'm going to be in a month'... blah blah.. same crap she told the judge at the temp orders hearing.

I think her having pretty much guaranteed the courts she was getting a HOUSE in November and then failing to get a place of her own and settling on an APARTMENT finally 4 months later... which she -could have- and -should have- done so much sooner.. well.. I think by comparison it'll look very good on my part to have been the stable and consistent one and able to maintain my own home, payments, etc in the meantime.. I think this will show much greater responsibility for me... even if she has a nice apartment..

All I really need from them, I can get in writing.. their 'opinions' probably won't carry much weight in court in light of the eval.. and would all be based on the 'I feel that he would be the better guy'.. which doesn't hold much water either.

Not going to rise to the bait anymore.. she doesn't deserve the emotional energy it would take to fight with her.. not anymore.

Lines from an original song one of my old bands used to play:

Salem's Childe: Changes (excerpt.. verse 2 through chorus)

My heart has hardened
From the way that you abuse me
No hate for you
I feel no shame
That's why I cannot look in the mirror
Because I might find we're one and the same

And I won't take this with me
Into the grave

All that I wanted
To be different this time
This trust you've broken
Changes everything
What you wanted
Truth eradicated
Now consequences of
Your choices made

Find a child psychologist to testify what happens to little girls who get alienated from one father after another - so that you can establish that it's not a psychologically safe place for any child to be. You may be able to win visitation with SD that way as well as full custody of you son.

I'm sorry James about my comment on the AOA suit. I was in a hurry and confused your situation with Eye's for a minute.

I think you're right about not crashing her party. You know, DS will probably talk all about his GREAT birthday time he had with dad. Now she's probably wanting to one-up you on that. Silly.

I also think it's interesting that she SUDDENLY gets an apartment when the custody evaluation is finally set. She was probably scrambling to get that done because she KNOWS his current environment is not healthy or in his best interest.

I'm sorry to say it James but I think at this point it would take a miracle for your WW to turn around. Seems like she has this relationship cycle that she's stuck on and is doomed to repeat over and over again until she either gets it or ends up totally alone.

(((James)))

I agree that you should NOT go to the party. I thought it was at the daycare.

Is your wife moving into the apartment with WB?

I'm sorry to have to agree with you PM. I truly do love my wife, warts and all.. but I cannot continue to allow myself to be embroiled in this cycle of abuse. I've given her everything of myself.. and I think I can safely say at this point that I have tried EVERYTHING I possibly can to salvage this marriage and our family. I can let go now with a clear conscience that I did all I could for DSD, DS, and even for WW.. I can no longer stand by and sacrifice myself on the altar of her self centeredness.. and I won't let my son be sacrificed either.


I can only speculate, but I imagine if you and I both speculated together we'd come to the same conclusion. I'd bet the farm on it.

Ok.. new mindset

Here's to hoping it sticks because I think keeping this in front of me is really going to get me through to being 'done'.


She's lied to me from the beginning.. about both inconsequential stuff, and stuff that is ONLY consequential because it was lied about.

Her father, and sisters have both expressed that this is not new for her.. she's lied to avoid consequences her entire life... and lied poorly.

She's lied to herself and rewritten our marital history to justify making a lie out of her promises to her husband and her family.

She's lying to herself even now about the morality and 'rightness' of what she is doing..

She's LIVING a lie to this day and dragging my children with it.


I only ever asked 2 things of her.. to be honest, and to be faithful. I have neither.. maybe I never even had the one.


I cannot live my life with someone who will not give me those two things.. I've been saying that for years even before WW came into my life.


Knowing these things I now must come to face the fact that... I will never be able to trust her.. as our entire marriage and relationship has been founded on her part upon lies.

Given that.. I -have- to get to 'done'.

I'm close.. don't know what it's going to take to be there finally.. maybe the final D.. but I think I'm as close as I'm going to get until that happens.. I know she can't come back now.

Now it's all about me and DS.

I still love her.. but the 'her' I love does not exist.. it was my idealized version of her.. the mask she created for me to see.. that broke over the last year or so.. that's why she said to others during this.. that she did not like the person she was becoming.. she was becoming herself.. was unable to hide who -she- truly was from her husband.. and now can build a new web of lies with someone else..

It's over.. but the battle has just begun.

Very good mindset James. Seeing her for the evil that she truly is will allow you to fight the good fight. Tell your lawyer to "sick loose the dogs of war."

I am sorry your marriage has been such a sham...but I am thankful that you are able to see through the lies.

Fight.

James,

Continue to keep your eyes wide open.

It is a good time to take an inventory of everything around you, as you are doing. See it for what it is.

What is of the most value to you? What are you most proud of? What you are least proud of? What do you deserve? And most importantly why?

It is probably the toughest time of your life. The only way I know is to lead yourself out of it and to better times. It is now about how YOU handle the tough times. Lead with your intelligence. Lead with your purpose. Lead knowing that all good people should be treated with decency. Lead knowing that you are a Dad and your son expects all of this from you. Let those leave themselves behind that don't eventually get on board with something so fundamental as we know we can't change them only THEY can.

You haven't been dealt the best cards. But you have to play the cards you have and you do have some good ones. I think you can surprise her and catch her not as prepared as she should be. She doesn't expect a big challenge from you. Let her react to your strength, your courage, and your purpose as you move forward to a positive destination.

Detaching and letting go of a bad situation will get you to where you are meant to be.

I find it interesting that the name of the first person to post to you on this thread is named mkeverydaycnt.

Make every day count. Isn't that where you truly are right now?

Oh, James...YEAH!!!! I am doing a happy dance for you. Tried to get MEDC to join me but he still thinks I am nuts. He missed me though....lol.

I am so happy you have come to this conclusion. I still feel she would only cause you more pain.

Get your mean face on and nail her for everything you can find. Get that boy home where he belongs and out of that nightmare.

Once again completely in your corner..100%

GO GET EM!

Had a wonderful weekend with DS and DD. Friday night as intended we went to the mexican restaraunt and had another little party for DS, and he absolutely loves his new 'hat'. We then came home and DD and DS played with some of his new toys and kids laptop.

My DS really helped my heart this weekend, just about everything he did was a little imitation of me, and he kept on doing things and beaming at me saying 'Now I'm just like you dad!'... or saying things like 'When I get big like you I can..' and then he'd go on about whatever it was I was doing at the time. I'm so proud of my little guy.. I have no idea how on earth I was blessed with such a wonderful little boy. I thank God for him every moment of my day... and pray that he never loses that special light in his eyes even through the ****** he's going through.

With the exception of Saturday which we spent watching DD's swim meet out of town the weekend was pretty much all about DS. DD unfortunately was only tenths of a second off of divisional times, and will move up in age group and time requirements before she has a chance to compete again through the community swim clubs. She is however competing through her school tonight and tomorrow night, and of course Dad will be in the stands tonight cheering her on, and will likely be behind the blocks timing tomorrow night to help out.

Sunday DS and I did Mass in the morning, had breakfast and cleaned up the house a little, and then went to see the Spiderwick chronicles. I thought it was a pretty good movie, but there was a part in there about the reasons why the father and mother weren't together that hit home pretty hard... but DS and I enjoyed it and spent the rest of the day hanging out and playing until WW got there.

The exchange actually went rather well.. she called about the time she was supposed to show up telling me she was running a bit behind trying to get through town and hitting 'all the lights'. I told her I had figured she'd come the back way through town and she laughed and said she probably should have. I asked her how her move went and she said it went pretty well and that they were all settled in. I asked if she needed anything and she said not really, and laughed that she could really use the washer and dryer, but knew I needed it too so she'd just use the laundromat. I made the offer for her to come do her laundry at home and we had a chuckle about that.. was actually fairly pleasant. She and I haven't laughed together in a long time. When she arrived I had DS ready and a package that DSD's grandmother sent for all the kids for Valentines Day and for DS's birthday. I helped carry all of the stuff out to the van and DS kept holding things up calling out ILY's to me.. really the whole interaction was very pleasant and upbeat. Hopefully a sign of things to come. I know I have to let go, but part of doing that and doing what is right for DS is to foster a pleasant relationship with WW even despite the circumstances. It'll be much better for him in the end if we can manage to get along despite all of the hurt we've caused eachother.

I received some correspondence from my lawyer on Friday detailing some of the things that have gone on in the last couple of weeks with the D. Apparently the hearing was held on the 15th because WW's lawyer objected to the custody eval. I don't know what the objection was, but certainly if -I- were a judge it'd throw up a red flag or two that she was objecting to an evaluation, especially when I had agreed to foot the bill for it.

Even more encouraging was the information he sent to me from the evaluators detailing their process. Apparently they do full background and criminal checks on both WW and I, and any significant others in the picture (WB), and anyone else in the home 18 or older (which I suspect is why she -had- to get out so fast.. I imagine CAMCH probably has some skeletons in his closet with his admitted anger management issues). They also ask for 5 references from each of us, and I'm compiling my list this week. They also do a psych inventory designed to indicate potential for abuse.. and other inventories if deemed necessary, so it looks like we may in fact get a psych eval as well. They interview WW and I 2-3 times in our own homes, and observe us with the children. They will talk to any of the children involved in the situation 6 years or older, which means DSD and DD will be talked to in a neutral environment like at school. And here's the kicker.. I won't need to name any of the daycare people in my 5 references because they will go and talk to them as well, also any coaches etc for DD and DSD to determine the level of parental involvement.

I'm actually fairly optimistic about the situation and think that I have a lot going for me at this point. I'm hoping DSD's grandfather will be on board still, and am considering asking FIL to be a reference for me, as it wouldn't technically be testifying -against- WW.. just speaking to the kind of person and parent he sees me to be.

Well.. that's the update from the weekend, got to get to work.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hear your strength and admire you so much.

You are doing awesome. You know that don't you. Not only what you are doing, but you have G-d and the truth on your side.

James:

You are a good man. And your thoughtful choices that you're making while learning the behavior modification that is the MB plans, are going 2 benefit you and your kids in the long haul.

The future and the past don't exist, except in our memories and imaginations. There is only now.

-ol' 2long

2long,

I am so thankful that you are still around saying all the wise things that only a very wise person could say and at just the right times.

This place is starting to make me ill again. But I am worried about one particular poster who has almost no one posting to him...so here I am. Didn't want to leave him in the dust talking to himself.

James, maybe you could look in on him and help him to find a way to detach. He's about your age.

And James, you have handled yourself very well posting today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ah shucks...

I'm not wise, I'm just really old! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long, JJ.. I appreciate the comments.

I'm really focused now on becoming right with God and right with myself. Honestly what others think of me and my sitch and if they want to post about it and hold me up as the example of what not to do.. I really don't care.

I'm the one who has to get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror.

I'm the one who has to answer the question of whether or not I did all I could to be the person God would want me to be.

I'm satisfied with the answers I'm able to give myself these days. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but if I didn't I'd be dead. Life is a continuous learning process.

Honestly JJ, as far as detachment goes.. I'm still in the early goings of it. The only way I truly know how to detatch is to get to a point where you've just had enough of the hurting, and finally let God completely have it.

It's really a complete trusting in God for the outcome and circumstances.

Here's what helped me.. but if you think it will help this new poster, I'll do my best.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13



As far as updates go, there's been a few email exchanges with WW.. nothing major and everything seems to have settled into an uneasy pleasantness between her and I.. maybe she really is going to make a stab at trying to keep things civil between us at least for DS's benefit.. if so.. kudos to her.

DS has a followup appointment with the Dr on the 3rd.. I've agreed to go, and also to leave immediately after as she's scheduled an appointment for herself following his.. she asked me not to stick around for it.. honestly I really don't care what she's seeing the Dr for..

I've also made arrangements with her to change my Wednesday visit next week to Tuesday.. that went rather painlessly as well.. DD has a swim meet on Wednesday and I didn't know for sure that I'd be home in time for the exchange.. she and I agreed it'd be better this way than to completely disrupt his schedule if we ran late.

The custody evaluator contacted me yesterday and we talked for about 15 minutes about the process and setting up payment for her. Can't go into details but some of the information she gave me made me fairly optimistic about the outcome. She's going to come visit me in my home without the kids there first. That appointment will take place on the 10th.

For my part, I'm in a pretty good headspace and am getting on with my life. I'm getting together with my old college roomate/best man at my wedding/private business partner/best friend in the world tomorrow for the first time in about 8 months.. we're meeting for dinner and drinks after work, which I'm looking forward to. Odd thing is, I helped him through a similar situation when his long-term GF pulled the same kind of stunt several years back.. so he knows and understands what I'm going through.. we've talked a lot on the phone, and he's ready to come visit now that 'it sounds like the old dog is back in business' as he said it last night on the phone.

As for DD, her middle school swim team dominated their meet last night, and DD had 2 first places. VERRA PROUD PAPA!

DS seems to be doing ok. He still has his moments and I'm sure he will bear the scars of this for the rest of his life, but he's a tough kid and I'm sure he'll be fine so long as he's still got Dad.. I get to spend some time with him tonight so I'm really looking forward to it. He's happy about his new room.. has his Peyton Manning painting hung on the wall and apparently a new Lightning McQueen bed and victuals for his room.. he likes it but says it's 'too small'.. well, maybe he doesn't remember having the 'small' bedroom in the apartment we had 2 years ago.. but I do.. I shudder to think if it's smaller than that one was.

BTW.. happy birthday to my BIL.. and FIL is tomorrow.. It's the birthday season for her side of the family.. wonder how that's going to work out for her.

That's great news about the custody evals. You know, those guys are professionals and have probably seen it all. I don't think they'll be snowed very easily. You'll come out of this with five gold stars to her one. I'll be curious to hear the outcome of their recommendations.

BTW, I thought you handled yourself very well today too. I disagree with some other views about the way you've handled things (especially lately). YOU know your situation better than anyone.

edited for typo

Hey, James

I think you handled yourself well today, too. You are right - if you can look yourself in the face in the mirror and look at your children and know you are doing the best you can do - THAT is what is important.

I continued to follow your thread after I posted to you about your response to WW - others were here with more experience than I, so I bowed out, but kept up.

One thing that I have been thinking about is the communication portion and how to be strong, yet not pushy or demanding, compassionate and caring, yet not weak. It's a fine line and only you know your past history and what you can do to improve your communication. I think you are honest enough with yourself to be able to find that without us nitpicking on you.

Another thought I had was that WW "feels" as though you talk down to her or treat her like a 5 year old. It is not necessarily your fault that she "feels" that way. You don't MAKE her feel anything. Her own self-image creates some of this for her.

I know that I often feel inferior to those around me. They don't MAKE me feel that way, I just do - because of my past, because of my own thoughts and image of myself. You are not wholly responsible for her feeling like a child - especially when she chooses to act like one.

Keeping you and your kiddos in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck with the evaluations. I'm sure PM is right and they will not be easily snowed. Be the best you can be for your children and the evaluaters will notice.

Fox

Thanks PM, Fox.. Again, I really appreciate the support.

I too hope that this evaluator, having spent several years with family services, being a mother herself, and having what came across to me on the phone as a clear devotion to her daughter assures me that she will likely not be easily snowed.

Honestly, I think a lot of what has transpired with my situation so far will speak volumes about me, and about my wife to her. The last thing I want to do is to come across to the evaluator as angry or bitter, but at the same time I won't be pulling any punches here.

Spent last evening with my son, and after coming home from DD's swim practice and having dinner, he and I spent a good part of the evening doing puzzles on the floor in the living room, and then we played a little bit with a few of his new toys, books, and video games until WW came to pick him up.

The exchange went pretty uneventfully, she and I didn't speak to eachother but it was filled with ILY's from DS to me, even calling them out as she was pulling out of the driveway. That little guy really does wonders for my heart, and I'm so happy that I'm still seeing sparkles in his eyes these days.. for a while there they were just sad, and it was heartbreaking at times.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and compassion for my children and I. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate so many wonderful strangers giving of themselves and their hearts for my wonderful babies.

After the exchange I spent some time sitting and thinking about my life.. and you know what I realized? I simply don't have the time to be married anymore *laugh*.. Not that I don't long to have a partner, a best friend, confidant, someone to share my life and love with.. but that's not my wife. She never really took an interest in DD or her activities, and now I'm just so busy helping DD with her swimming, and spending time with DS, and even doing my own thing that I really just wouldn't have time to devote to someone who doesn't take an interest in joining me in participating in their lives.

For example.. this past weekend was spent on DS's birthday and trying to make that as special as possible given the circumstances.. DD ALSO had a divisional qualifying swim meet about 45 minutes out of town on Saturday and Sunday.. Monday and Tuesday night she had Middle School swim meets, last night she had swim practice and DS over to hang out and have fun with Dad... Tonight is FIL's birthday and I'm also going to have dinner and drinks with my best friend who is coming in from out of town.. it's a wonder I have any energy for work!

I can say with conviction now that I'm moving on with my life, and it's FULL.. I'm keeping busy, and keeping myself in the moment right now. As I look back I can't believe how much life I was missing out on before.. never again folks.. never again.

I may have lost my relationship with WW.. but my relationship with my mom and DD are so much better now than they were before.. and DD doesn't feel like she has to compete with DSD for father-daughter time. DS is the only thing missing now, and we're working on that.

Life is good.. God is good.. and you know what.. I'm pretty dang good too.