I am new to this concept, so bear with me...I am a 44 yr.old female professional married to a 43 yr. old male professional for 21 yrs.Our conflict: he is a deep thinker, I am a surface thinker. Our marriage has been unbalanced for some time now. We feel disconnected..My husband is very proactive, me complacent. As long as things are going okay, why bother to rock the boat? I read self-help books, saw a counselor (schedule conflict),and strive to change when put in a corner. I love my husband very much, and my kids (13, 11). We have a great life, no financial stress,no infidelity,just seem like roomates, not H&W. My H is "waiting on the bleachers, not interested in playing until I do homework on me and try to make this relationship better." Your advice will be greatly appreciated.

I would approach him with basically what you said in this post. Your being complacent is actually a disservice to your marriage. He thinks everything is going along sufficiently. I doubt he feels that the marriage is in tip top shape, but obviously he's getting some needs met, so he's willing to accept your complacency at face value. He's making a big mistake to do so, but that is the impression you are giving him. That needs to change. I'm not saying to go off the deep end on him, but you need to honestly convey to him your feelings regarding the relationship. Right now it sounds to me like you are at a crossroads. Eventually you will tire of remaining complacent and then you will regard your husband with resentment due to his lack of involvement. To prevent this the two of you need to tune into the relationship and actively work together to improve it so that it becomes something you both need and rely upon. Dr. Harley's writings are a good place for you to start understanding the dynamics of relationships and ways to counteract the problems you are facing. Your husband may well react negatively to your being honest with him and requiring him ot begin working again on the relationship. You both have established a pattern that has led you to this point. Breaking that pattern won't be easy and will require you to face his adversity. True honesty is the best way to do this. No matter what you do eventually your true feelings will manifest, so putting that day off isn't the way to go about improving your situation. Confronting this now is the best way to go forward.

There seems to be some misunderstanding in my post. My husband has done all he can, he is waiting on me to get my act together and put this marriage back on the right track. I can't find fault with him on his part in our relationship.He has "shown up as a grown-up" me, just needing to become more proactive....

Update on issues in relationship...I brought emotional baggage in to marriage(always the pleaser in my family, kept house clean, dinner cooked (age 12), so that parents could focus on their relationship. They divorced after 33 yrs. of marriage, both remarried, but I continue to try and please my husband "by doing" In my mind, if I keep the house clean, all bills paid, kid's activities covered, that will make him happy...He has no desire for this type of affection. He would rather the house be a wreck, chaos run rampant and have the emotional and physical attraction he craves, but I don't know how to give in this manner. My learned behavior from childhood seems difficult to break. My marriage is on the verge of collapse, I need help....

Have you looked at the questionnaires on this site? Especially the emotional needs? and love busters? Please do. They take time to fill out and give thought about but are very helpful.

You can learn new behavior if you want to improve your marriage. You can also learn what your needs are in addition to his.

My M has alot of similarities with yours. My baggage has caused us both heartache and detatchment. I've done all the things you're doing. He wasn't happy and actually neither was I. I was/am afraid that no matter what I do I'll end up unloved. You have needs, you need to figure out what they are. Look at the ENQ, I bet you'll be surprised. After you've looked at the articles, etc here and think they will help approach your H and see if he'll be willing to participate.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

They say opposites attract. I could never figure out who "they" were.

Meanwhile, there are so many of us going through the same issues you are. It might be prudent for you to read our stories and look at the advice given to us (and from us)

It seems like this word "disconnected" keeps being mentioned. My W loves to use it on me.

You need to start communicating and opening up your minds and souls to each other and letting each other know how you feel and perhaps WHY you feel this way. Talk does wonders. You might find out things you never knew before.

Good Luck.

AB.

Thanks for the advice so far....H spent Saturday being furious with me and this situation. It seems he is about ready to "lower his marriage standards" to resume this relationship.A kick in the gut towards me. I am pondering what the damage assessment would be on a 13 YO boy and a 11YO girl should we decide to divorce. I feel we are heading in this direction, and I am DESPERATELY trying to protect my children from this fallout.

Maybe its time to spend a bit more time away from him. What I mean is... go out with some friends, do something for yourself, something that does not involve him. Perhaps it is time to rediscover your own interests and work in what pleases you. Refrain from going along with his sexual advances and if he asks why, you can tell him that you are unhappy and feel disconnected and perhaps he will understand what's going on.

Please talk about it with your H. The worst thing you can do right now is keep quiet. Silence will cause more emotional discomfort and further withdrawal from each other...something you do not want.

AB