I have been married hardly a year, and I cry most days because I'm more miserable than I ever imagined I could be.

Everything I do seems to be wrong, leaving him baffled between the choices: a) I make him angry on purpose or b) I'm "just that stupid." He says he can't believe the latter, and so he chooses to believe I try all the time to make him angry and it's because I know he has a temper and am taking advantage of that to provoke him.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm a total stranger to him. I don't understand how we could have been together for years now and he still doesn't realize I hate him being angry/disappointed in me more than anything else in the world. Is it even possible to love someone you don't really know?

Once he does get irritable, he hears everything I say as argumentative, attacking, or "smartass." I spend half our fights trying over and again to explain "I never said that, I don't think that, I don't even disagree with you on that, instead I'm trying to talk to you about something else." When that gets through, he exclaims, "So you saying I'm too stupid to understand you?!?" or "Quit trying to twist things around so that you're in the right. You ****** up, I proved that to you, so now you're trying to change things."

I am so weary of having fights over just everything. Forget the nightmarish Amber, You ****** Up Again lectures. Even things that don't even affect us except as a topic of conversation, like, just recently, Larry Craig's police interview or the Patriots being caught violating football rules, end up being hours of ugliness that I just want out of, no longer even care about, but I'm trapped, being berated because I "didn't answer [his] question" (with an absolute yes or no) or because I was "just flat-out wrong" about something I never said in the first place and wouldn't even make any sense for anyone to say.

(I was raised so that you could talk through an issue you have different viewpoints on without being ugly to each other or being upset with each other, both learn something, and then move on with good feelings about it. In fact, conserversation is high on my list of emotional needs. The fact that I don't even want to bring anything up with him anymore that doesn't directly concern us unless I already know we agree on the subject is just one more way this relationship is dead to me.)

His anger is bad, but even more telling to me is that when he is trying to be nice, he is so condescending to me without even realizing it. I know that if I said some of those innocent-toned comments back to him one day he would be instantly furious, but I can't even imagine my mouth shaping the words. Even his (non-bodily) compliments are usually along the lines of "You didn't screw up this time." whenever we work together smoothly on something. Until I met him, I always thought being able to take a compliment with grace and appreciation was one of my strengths, now I am told the opposite. Incidentally, when I try one of those: hey, that went well, thank you for being so patient compliments, I get right back at me, "that's because YOU didn't whine or argue with me or be an [censored]." A compliment war as a way of controlling the version of past events, that's the depths of maturity we've sunk to even during the best times. I can't tell if he's oblivious to the cattiness of some of the things he says to me or just thinks I am, and I don't know which would be worse.

And as for the anger thing, I have to doubt it will ever get better because he is tightly strung for reasons outside either of our control. He daily suffers from debilitating pain that he either bulls through with raw determination to get things done or suffers humiliation and guilt on top of it. Several afflictions, each exasperbating the others and none readily medically treatable or curable. I thought I should be the one to take care of him, but now I wonder who will take care of my pain.

All I can say is, "WOW". Did he come from a family where his parents treated him in this way (you're a #@%& up and things of this nature)? Did he treat you this way before marriage? It does sound like he has some deep hurts and he takes them out on you. I would suggest IC for him and MC for the two of you.

I have a husband that can be very argumentative at times and it's his way or the highway. He's not abusive, but basically anyone who doesn't see things his way is "stupid". I find myself being offended when he says things that I consider racist or hateful, even when they aren't directed at me. I would basically try to avoid having discussions that bring any kind of heated argument, since it sounds like his opinions are "the only way". You might want to read through the sections on resolving conflict. Sometimes with people like this it is better to say nothing at all regarding a "hot topic" (a few that come to mind are abortion, gay rights and religion in general) than to state your own opinion. Personally, I believe as you do, everyone is entitled to THEIR OWN OPINION.

I'm sure the physical pain is a part of his anger. I can't imagine being in so much pain that I couldn't function. It may leave him feeling "impotent" mentally and the way to regain that is to take it out on you (making himself feel better at your cost).

Good luck. Read through everything you can on the site and also the books. Information is power.

First off, don't by into his manipulation. You aren't twisting words, he is. When people make bizarre unsubstantiated critiques, they are often attributing to you what's really going on with them. For example, my ex said I was inflexible. I bent over backwards to be flexible. He said I was selfish. He said a lot of other things which apply much more to his behavior than mine.

A sad item I read said that chronically ill people often turn on their caregivers. If things are going to get better, he needs to realize he has a problem. Then, you'll both need help changing the dynamic of your relationship.

Knowing nothing about you or your husband, going solely on how immediately the problems began after you got married, and how severe they are, I'm not sure this will get better.

It may be better to acknowledge you made mistake and get out. Unless he's able to acknowledge and address that he's part of the problem. Whatever you do, don't bring children into this mess.

Cancankant, in answer to your question about his family, he came from a pretty strict upbringing. His mom was pretty psycho and borderline abusive; he has only recently reconciled to her after years of estrangement. His dad is nice enough but fairly passive and easily taken advantage of in a desire to please people. They split when he was a young adult (he is now 32; I am 25.) He moved a few states away partly to get away from them, but he's also pretty hurt that they aren't closer emotionally.

He is often amazed with my family, who is the opposite. They live nearby and we are a warm and tight-knit bunch, full of lively chatter and rampant geekiness. He was even more amazed and touched with the way they took him in and accepted him as family more thoroughly than he ever felt his own did. He just doesn't understand their spontanity, as he is all about planning in his own life.

Make of that all what you will; I try to avoid the temptation to make any mental links between the differences in our backgrounds and our outlooks. I'd rather deal with only what I know for sure than complicate things with assumptions.

Greengables, I have sadly come to that conclusion also: that I just cannot justify bringing children into this marriage. Even if he never turns his temper and harsh way with words on them--unlikely, since he would wind up being their primary caregiver--, I don't want them growing up having our relationship modeled for them as normal. I don't want them to see Daddy yell at Mommy while Mommy scrunches up and sobs night after night. Maybe I'm naive about what children ought to see, since my parents marriage was pretty idealized, but how can that not warp them for life?

But I haven't had to tell him this, because for the immediate future we have a much more obvious reason not to have kids; we cannot afford them. We both agree that it would be massively irresponsible for us to have children until we have more money coming in and get a handle on some of this debt. It is not beyond hope that with that stress alleviated, some of the strains on our marriage would as well. Even though unlike many couples we do not directly fight about money-- in fact, weirdly enough, spending discussions are one of the areas we can talk through with rationality and respectful compromsize-- I know juggling credit cards is massively depressing for him. And it is my fault. Taking a break from the dump-on-him train, this is one of my major contributions to the problems of our marriage: I have been unemployed since I graduated from law school last year, and the task of carefully spreading out our finances has fallen on him. Fortunately, neither of us are frivolous spenders, but unfortunately, life is full of unexpected expenses, like how a string of household appliances always seem to break down at the same time. C'mon, nod your heads, you know what I mean. We live in an area notorious for scary old jury-rigged wiring and "dirty electricity" so that doesn't help. So yeah, he can't help but resent me for not contributing much of anything, and I don't blame him. Would everything be solved once I find a job? (Hopefully soon!) Nah, we had these issues while I was still in school. But maybe make things better enough that I could take a second look at the kid thing.

The crucial thing is about this guy is that he's NOT Dr.Evil. He DOES care and he DOES try. He has made changes for me already, like being a lot more snuggly even though it's not at all his thing, reining in his irritation about some of the ditzy mistakes I make that he "has every right to be angry about-- but see!" and having long conversations with me about how we can arrange things to go smoother for both of us. I feel like I just cannot throw in the towel when he won't. He is in a place where he acknowledges we have problems but is confident that we will work them out over time as we learn together as a couple. An absolutely beautiful philosophy, one that I wish with all my heart I could sign on to. But somehow I can't. I don't think there are workarounds to some of the basic problems here. But I have an obligation to him, myself, and God to try, and try with my all.

Dear Loreleille,

I repied to your answer in my post, but here it is in case you may not look over mine.

Your story is very similar to mine as you said in my post. Nothing seems to work in my relationship. I feel he has an anger problem just like your H, and our fights are almost on a weekly basis and are making me sick. I never know what will cause a fight, it doesn't seem to matter what I talk about, how I talk to him, how I fill his EN, etc. I feel the more I do plan A (did you read on that?) the more I feel like a doormat. I decided that I no longer want to suffer. Unfortunately, I did not come to MB to separate from him, I came to seek help. I was referred to this forum by a MC. I also posted on General Questions II because I thought he was cheating on me, but I still don’t have facts or proof. Everyone seemed to have only one answer over there (GQII): run from him.

I just broke up from him a couple days ago, but not because of the opinions of others, I just cannot fight anymore. I need to take care of myself and my son. Even if I love him and miss him very much, I do not believe anymore that he can change, although he often realise his own mistakes, no actions seem to take effect for long enough for us to re-energise and breath. I still love him and a little part of me hopes that without me, he may act now on what needs to change on his side, and will begin to work on himself, if not for us to get back to each other, for himself. We will see.

I wish I could help you in your M. My only advice to you is to take really good care of yourself, I would not want for you to start feeling physically sick (and depressed) like I am. I cannot advise you to stay or leave your H, or try differently. You are still very young and obviously intelligent. What helps me see where I am at and where I want to be I ask myself these questions: how would I see my relationship in 30 years from now with my H? Is it possible to attain that vision? If nothing changes, can I live this way for another 30 years? Just a thought.