Good morning, mvg.

I actually read your post yesterday, but couldn't really think of anything helpful. I'm in a similar position, except PWC is only 33 years old, and not wanting sex. I believe his problems run deeper than that, though.

My only advise, for what it's worth, is to talk to him, as Acey said.

SL after I wrote that post I thought of you and just how little it was of me. You have been dealing with this issue in a much more seriously situation than me and I really felt small. I was going to delete, I prayed that YOU wouldn't read it, then power outage, H home, family over and I couldn't get back to the net.

I do wonder the why. I don't understand. I have talked to him. BUT it is such a SMALL issue in the grand scheme of things in my M and a HUGE problem for others it was small of me.

I can try to justify it by saying lack of sleep, just a rant, frustration, my own imposed make it or break it date coming up, alot of things. But the truth maybe it's I feel out of control. I do over analyize everything now. I hate that. On the up side, I recognize it...eventually.

Take care my friend, I hope that things are going well for you.

mvg,

Don't ever let what's happening in someone else's life keep you from speaking about yours and finding help. You live in what you live in and I do the same. We are each pained by our situation, and are each trying to find a way.

It may be that I have another path to take and I'm learning my way; it's just a different path, mvg. My struggle isn't about sex, it's about intimacy. The issue I've had about sex is that my husband used to love it, initiate it, want it. Now, absolutely nothin. I focus on him, and it gets me into great amounts of trouble and pain. There is no one else in the world that I have ever focused so much on. Now, it doesn't make sense to me that I do.

Yes, he's my husband, so it stands to reason that I'd THINK about him, but allowing myself to become wrapped up in his lack of action and then ASSUMING things has been very painful to me, and wrong. I'm now going to work to break that cycle. I can't know what he's thinking or why he does or doesn't do.

I'm well. I have emotionally detached for a bit, not forever, hopefully. I have myself to worry about right now. I'm not unstable or insane or depressed or anything like that, but I can see how my FEELINGS are getting in the way of my health and stability. I still have physical healing to do, much less spiritual and emotional.

Sometimes, I feel like giving up and giving in. UNCLE!!! I can hear myself saying. UNCLE, PWC, you win. Truth is, nobody wins. THat is why I have to get clear.

My struggle isn't about sex, it's about intimacy

I understand. (((may your prayers be answered)

I'm with you mvg, i find myself questioning things that i did not question pre-A. I too hope that eventually this will go away and we can lead some what of a "normal" life if there is such a thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let's pray there is SC...I HATE I do this but feel very helpless when the thoughts come. Maybe it's protection mode, I don't know.

Well the hope is all that keeps me going some days so i have to hold on to it. I too hate that i do this, and maybe you are right we are protecting our hearts again. I know a couple of weeks ago my cats were laying on my H and he jokingly said something to the cat about fighting with me and i said "trust me that is something i will never do again". I know probably a big LB but i guess i just want him to know that i will NEVER EVER go through that again and work for recovery, i will be gone in an instant.

I had a bad night last night. The field that my H works in makes it so that the OW will probably ALWAYS be a part of our life because it is the same crews that work on the jobs in our area and they all have worked with each other and i hate it. Someone on his job said something about "well when i worked with the OW she let us do it this way" and he was talking about her last night more or less because of her letting them get away with stuff that they should not have gotten away with. So then later in the evening he mentioned "getting frisky" and i just could not do it, all i was thinking was that he ONLY wanted to get frisky because he had been thinking about her yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I know that is awful of me but that is all i could think all night long. I was up most of the night and everything. This may be part of the reason i feel like i can't get over my anger.

SC forgive me if you've said before, but when was dday?

I think it's highly insensitive to talk about the OW so casually with you, SC, but that's just my opinion.

I can see why that would trigger you.

Well my story is a bit wierd (not that all of ours isn't). D-Day was January 19, 2007, on February 2, 2007 he told me he wanted to be with her and i made him leave right then and there. On February 4, 2007 he came back home begging me to fogive him and take him back and i did, then on February 16, 2007 he got deathly ill and was in the hospital with pnuemonia and after he got over the pnuemonia he had to have part of his lung removed. He was out of work until June 4, 2007.

The OW was a co-worker so when he went back to work with her still there it seemed like D-Day all over again. I left not too long after that for a few days because i could not stand him working with her and he was not going to do anything about it. Finally at the end of July he told HR about her "harrassing" him and they called her in and she resigned that day. She called him (on my birthday of all days) and told him that she was filing a law suit against their company and was going to get a large settlement and would he be with her if she gave him a large sum of money. He told me about this contact and as far as he says anyway she has not contacted him again.

But like i said there have been many, many times that she has come up in conversation due to the nature of his job. I think it will ALWAYS be that way and i can't stand it. It seems like every time i hear her name (even though we don't use her name we call her a name i can not post) it feels like day one again.

I hope some day to get past that but it is really hard sometimes.

SC I can see if he is still working in her industry how that can keep the A on top of the water all the time. It sounds like you two are doing fairly well but I would trigger too just in mentioning her existance. Hey for me mentioning doesn't even have to trigger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is he aware of this? I'm sure he feels like he's sharing his daily activity and could care less about her but working with her previously he's venting. UGH!!!That's a tough situation, you want to know what he's doing but not so much that 'she' is mentioned even casually. Yuck. Maybe someone will come along that has been there and can give you some advice on it. (((keep up the good work))).

Well i think that is the case (that he is just telling me about his day) or should i say i hope that is the case. And no i have not told him because i don't want to make him feel bad about talking about his day.

Unfortunately i feel like it is a no win situation for me. And i do believe that she will ALWAYS come up for the rest of our lives because of his industry. I mean even him changing to another company (even though she no longer works where he works) it will be the same thing, the same crew of people work all over the city.

And seeing as he is 50 years old and been in the industry his whole adult life i can not see him changing his profession now nor is that what i want. He LOVES his job and i would feel bad asking him to leave the industry.

And i truly do not believe he thinks about how it may make me feel when he mentions her because he says that he does not think of her in that way anymore. So i just keep plugging along and get triggered at leadt once a week with something to do with her (not necessarily her but jobs that are still going on that she worked on) so it will never end for me but i just wish i knew how to make it go away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi ladies:

Just wanted to give an update to let you know that I'm still here...

It has been a very interesting two weeks since I started my therapy sessions to say the least. I discussed my desire to talk to H about past and present issues and how his refusing to answer my questions was blocking our progress.
My therapist recommended pulling away from H after telling him why I pulled away. Actually I was already being distant to H when I saw the therapist and I decided to give this pulling away a little try...

I started to become emotionally unavailable to my H ( no eye contact, not much talking, no touching at night ) for a week. It's the very first time I managed to do this long. Usually I would get mad and then I would apologize after a day or two due to my desire to be close t him. H knew this pattern and he was spoiled I think knowing that I would always be available and I would alwasy be the one that initiate a warm up.

This time it's different. I was definite stronger and he saw I was serious. During the whole time he was trying to be attentive and loving, but I didn't really respond much.

On the weekend, we had to communicate a bit more because of our basement project and kids activities. The tension was pretty high and I was holding on to my position. Saturday night he came close at night. He didn't have the courage to do it I think when I was very cold to him. This time he was seeing that I was not that cold and he approched me. I gave up a little hint of encouragement by patting his arms a little and he immediately came close and held me very tightly...I could feel it's not about SF, and he truly felt miserable without my emotional envolvement in him during the week...He still didn't say much, but he was just so happy after that...

I think during those two weeks, I showed him that I'm strong enough to be alone, and continue my life with or without him, and he realzied how much he needs me.

And he didn't get defensive when I talked about my desire to know and I may ask him questions still. Usually he would get defensive right away, but this time, he had been quiet, but didn't really say anything yet.

And yesterday morning, he asked me if I would like to go with him for a two person vacation to Miami since he has a conference there for a day and his company pays for his airfare. Without kids, he said. It's the very first time he initiated this after Dday, planning a vacation with me without kids. And I'm really glad he did. But I didn't show overly excited either. It's his turn to show me how he loves me and cherishes me this time, I think.

Also the ski trip I organized got enough people for a group rate and I'm excited about that too. We will all be skiing this long weekend at Hunter Mountain with friends and that would be really fun.

Another good thing is that after I started to write down my questions about H's A, I realized that I don't really need most of the answers anymore for some wired reason. I don't even want to give the list to him anymore. Maybe later, I will feel differently, but for now, I will let it rest and concentrate on having a great time with H and kids and I'm looking forward for the trip H is planning for only two of us in Miami the first weekend of April. That got to be good since we haven't had any vacation without kids for 7 years now...

So for now, I'm in a up swing again and hopefully this one is going to last because I do feel that I'm so much stronger than before.

Snow

(((SNOW))) I'm glad you are in a better place!!! I hoped you would post back here, I've missed you.

I've noticed my H is more attentive if I am more distant. What's up with that???! And that's hard for me to, because like you I want to apologize (even no reason too) and just be close again. Vicious cycle.

I'm also very glad that by writing down your questions you're at a place you are comfortable with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope your ski trip is wonderful. When is the Miami trip? I hope going to Miami in addition to just the 2 of you, it's also a warmer place too. Nothing to lift the spirits like sunshine and warmth...along with a warm body. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Morning mvg. Just thought i would drop by to say hello. I am on this website more than i should be probably <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />. Hope you are having a good day.

mvg:

I missed you too. I feel very supported here and will continue to post my journey in your thread if you are not too bored yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think we have much in common here in our sitch.

I noticed the same thing: when I act distant, H is more attentive. And when I act too clingy, H pulls away a bit. It's like a dance. And I started to understand that a bit when I myself was pulling away and H's consistant attentiveness actually made my pulling away easier...It's hard to explain but it's also human nature I guess.

I so understand the vicious circle you mentioned. I got mad,
AO and LB, H got mad because of that, then I apologize and we get closer, but I just felt so bad after repeating the cycle so many times and I'm determined to break it now. Hopefully with the help of my IC, I'm finally getting to the bottom of it.

I need to get the kids to school now.

Are you sleeping better these days?

Snow

I feel queasy during this dance, and have stopped it. I have just decided not to dance for now. I am detaching a bit more, following the lead of some reading that I have been doing. I talk and laugh or whatever I feel, but I'm not attempting to engage PWC at all. It's not a ploy. Right now, it's self preservation. It's not a permanent state that I care to maintain; it's something I will need to learn to do in order to live with him right now, and still maintain emotional stability.

I have noticed that PWC changes ever so slightly when I detach. He just seems different; tries to be near me more. I don't really GET it, yet. Hopefully, things will begin making more sense as I learn more.

Hi mvg, SC, SW, SL..... others....

I know that dance, too. But my DH sprinkles a few 'lying' steps here and there and knocks me on my keister.

He is doing better.....we still are in our 10th week since MC. For us, that has made the difference. But I was amazed how quickly my love bank depleted (I felt like giving up again....like D-Day #4) during this last episode over the weekend. (Details on the F. Infidelity thread in recovery.)

I, too, am curious when/if/how this detachment dance will ever end. Not sure I'm brave enough to refuse like you, SL.

Ace

Good morning everyone!

Nice start to Valentines Day, H made Reservations and taking me out to dinner. He made RESERVATIONS! *still shaking head in surprise*

Oldest Daughter just called and was propsed to this morning, down on one knee...perfect! We are happy campers! This is a good guy for her and for our GD.

My surgery has been moved up from Tuesday to Monday 18...our 30th Anniversary. As I posted somewhere...geezzz I can't remember....IF it hadn't been for the SUPPORT and LOVE from you ALL I would be packing my bags then for good. THANK YOU for giving me the encouragment to ride the rollercoaster!

I don't know if it's the upcoming surgery, or H knows our anniversary was "it" for me but he's coming into his own! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I pray this is a CHANGE and not a temporary shift.

mvg,

Good to hear from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All the best on your surgery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Congratulations for your daughter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

May you both keep moving forward!

Hugz,
L.