It strikes me that you could use the money (presuming you choose to give her any) as a tool to innocuously initiate contact.

"Meet me here...I've got money for you" kind of thing.

I'd don't think you should give her all of it or even a significant portion. I'd take some cash, pay some on the credit card bill (hopefully one that she won't see exactly how much you paid it down ever or for quite sometime later) and then some cash for you two to split.

Don't want to enable her waywardness...but "buy" the opportunity to Plan A her.

A statement such as I paid most of it towards our joint credit card (the one she has NO access to online) and I've got about $600 cash to split with you. Where can we meet so I can give it to you.

You may be surprised how little money it takes to coerce a meeting as she may state she wants nothing to do with you but psychological she's not prepared to go cold turkey. Even a wayward bent on marital destruction will go through withdrawal trying to excise their spouse of xx years from their lives.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - If she sees through the "ploy" to buy a meeting don't pursue it any further. She's says "that's b.s. you are just trying to make me see you"....you say - "O.K., if you don't want it, I'll just spend it...no worries". If it comes to that you've got to sell it. You just thought she could likely use some "walking around money...but whatever, you're just trying to be nice".

I wrote the above before I saw your last post.

Good job at the gym.

Mr. Wondering

Longhorn,

Don't get to far away, you and everyone else have been a real life saver for me. I really appreciate everyone's comments. You have no idea how many times a day, I am one Marriagebuilders reading the forums and looking for ideas. Everyone has been a real shoulder when I needed it.

I am still very unsure about what is going to happen, but at least now I don't feel so lost.

Thanks,
Ryan.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere. Like I said, we (meaning us MB folks) will be here for you.

Well after our gym encounter, I texted my wife to ask her about her new job and if she was able to get the the paperwork in on time. She texted me back and we ened up texting back and forth for about 30 minutes. I went home and ran with the dog, and then I called her about paying the money on the credit card and she was very happy. I told her I hoped she had a great night and ended the phone call feeling pretty good. I am going to go back to being a little more stand offish, not calling or emailing, but I will send the letters I wrote, sometime later this week.

Ryan.

My wife sent me a nice email today, she was very friendly and told me about her job and what has been going on at work (first time she has done that since I found out about the affair) She told me that she really apreciated that I sent the money to the credit card company. She ended the email with "I hope you have a really good day"

She then P.S.'d to say that she was happy to hear that the dog was doing good, and she wanted to know if he needed any toys, because she had a bunch at her house.

Of course I read a lot into the email, even though there really isn't much there, but the emails were much better then before. Before there was no, small talk, and no pleasantries. I kept myself from writing back, or calling her tonight. I will probably respond tomorrow, even though one of the girls at work said I shouldn't talk to her until Monday??? She was so much more cheerful, when I saw her in the gym, even though she told me she went to see an attorney. She told me the attorney made her scared and sad? Is she opening up to me because, her and the OM are over, or because she is trying to be nice, so that she can get the money for the credit cards? I can't believe I just wrote that about my wife... but right now, I have no way to know if she is still an affair alien, or someone that resembles my wife?

Ryan.

I wouldn't wait until monday.

You've got a clear indication that she's calmed down about the exposure thing so now she seems receptive to hit and miss communication just not needy and desperate communication.

Example...

Call her tomorrow afternoon indicating you are going to:

a. The gym
b. The grocery store
c. A favorite restaurant

and you were just calling to see if she'd like to meet you there.

Real casual like.

Do not indicate a huge interest whether she says yes or no but PRESUME the close just as you would have when you were dating. In other words...you assume she'd like to meet you so the question is asked to see if she's otherwise occupied or just doing the same thing anyway (like the gym) NOT whether she wants to see you or not.

IF OM and her are over...and the attorney scared her she MAY be up for talking things over sometime soon. Approaching such conversation in a friendly supportive manner without pushing for it is the best way. I don't think you are near having that breakthrough conversation just yet...but sometimes they sneak up on you and the WW just opens up completely. You've got to be mentally prepared to just LISTEN and take it. That conversation starts out brutally at first and then transforms itself typically to an intimate moment where you both put yourselves out there pretty far.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I just hope, for your sake, that they are really over. If so...you should see progress on a daily/weekly basis.

Mr. Wondering

I will give this a shot and see how it goes. I did reply to her email this morning. I kept it all about her and her job, she is doing wonderful work, and I know she is excited about it. She does want to re-deploy in 2009, so if we are able to patch things up I should have some time to affair proof my marriage? I hope that she is telling me the truth and that she and the OM are over, but it is so hard to tell. I would like to think that she wouldn't use me, because I know deep down that she is a good(great) person, but I never thought she would have an affair either.

Ryan.

OK, Well we are back to being mad. Last Night she recieved a call about the certified letter that I sent to the FBI in Buffalo. Even though I sent the letter a while ago, she is just now hearing about it.

I called her earlier and left a message asking if she wanted to go out for dinner. She called back and left me a message saying that dinner might not work, but to give her a call. So when I called back we had a great conversation for 15-20 minutes. We talked about work, and friends, just a nice talk. Then she hit me with the FBI called me last night. She is going to get a copy of the letter I sent to the FBI, which I am kind of dreading, because she will take it in the wrong way.
So we argued about what I am doing and that it is hurting her, and that she has to tell everyone she works with, including her boss and security. I tell her that I am not doing it to hurt her, and that I never intended it to get back to her, she thinks I am just doing it to make her hurt as much as I did. I never once thought about hurting her, I only thought about what I could do to stop the affair, so that I could show her I love her.
I tried to steer the conversation away from the letter, and tell her that I am sorry that it hurt her, but she puts up her defenses and that was really the end of our conversation. Even at the end I tried to be very nice and told her to have a nice dinner, and enjoy her time with her friend (Susan someone from work). She was short with me, and again very angry.
I guess I am going to go back to little contact and possibly, send the letters I have been working on later. I almost wish I wouldn't have sent those letters right now, because I would be having dinner with my wife... damn.

Ryan.

This is the letter that she will get a copy of, she will go through the roof, when she reads it.

I am writing to inform you that one of the Special Agents assigned to the Rochester Resident Agency, has been involved in a morally corrupt adulterous affair with my wife. The agent; Jxxxx Fxxxxxx, has been sexually and emotionally involved with my wife. His character is also in question, since he has a wife and two children. We look to the FBI and all law enforcement agencies to protect the public, not to purposefully destroy loving homes. I have had contact with Jxxxx Fxxxxxx on several occasions. During our talks I have explained to Jxxxx that his actions are destroying a home, Jxxxx showed no remorse, and is continuing to pursue my wife, with little to no regard for his family or mine. These actions are not those of a trustworthy, truthful and honorable person. If he can so easily betray his family, lie and cheat, how can he be trusted with any type of security clearance? He has also been using government computers and phones to continue this deceitful and immoral act. I appreciate your commitment in looking into this matter, it is one of the most horrendous acts, anyone could ever do.

Ryan.

Why would you dread her seeing this? To me, it's a pretty mild piece of correspondence and there's not much for anyone to object to.

Pardner, were I you, I'd decide on a course of action, developed with Jennifer's input, and then stick to it. If your mood goes up and down with every change in your adulterous wife's mercurial attitude, you're going to wind up a basket case.

Here's a topic you might research. Look up "co-dependent," and make sure you aren't, okay? Hang in there and be strong, Ryan.

LH

Longhorn,

Thanks for the good read on Codependence, it is a very interesting concept that, I think everyone might have a part of. The idea that you might need to help someone at the cost of your own happiness, is something that I know happens quite often. I don't think that is a particularly bad thing as long as it isn't something that you do for every decision. I hope that I am not alone in thinking this???

As far as the plan, when I talked to Jennifer, it seemed like my situation was different than it was yesterday. When I talked to Jennifer, my wife was withdrawn and not talking to me. Over the last 3 days we have talked, emailed, texted, etc. It seemed like she was opening up to me. Until last night when she recieved a call from the FBI, about the letters I sent to the Special Agent in Charge.

I do feel bad that I hurt her, by sending those letters. I did not want to hurt my wife. I honestly didn't think that it would get back to her. While she thinks I did it as a way to get back at her, I only did it to stop the affair. I am pretty sure that it did that.

I know I seem like a big "[censored]" that isn't really the case. I do want to stop hurting my wife. I do want to start being a better husband. I do want to start building a new life. So hopefully, she will understand the reveal later, but right now it is a set back.

Ryan.

Ryan, the "hurt" your adulterous wife is experiencing is the consequence of HER actions, HER betrayal, HER deceit, and HER lies...not yours. Pardner, never try to shield her from the consequences of her adultery and don't worry about some transitory "hurt." Human beings learn from pain and discomfort.

You can't shoulder the burden for her. She must get through it alone. Look, Ryan, she'll get over it, and probably fairly soon, but hopefully she'll learn from all this that her choices hurt everyone involved, including herself. And that's not even considering the agony she's put you through. Look at it this way. Did she do anything to shield you...to help you? Yet, wonder of wonders, you made it through that phase, didn't you? Man, it's not a setback; it's part of the process. Do you think so little of your wife that you believe she can't stand a little adversity?

BTW, I'm still not convinced "the FBI" is actually "calling" your straying wife. I think there's still a better than even chance she's just passing on information she's getting from the OM. How about you asking for the name and phone number of this mysterious caller and do some work to find out what his/her agenda is?

So, explain this to me. Jennifer's suggestions may have helped bring your wayward wife around to being more open and communicative, right? So why do I get the impression you're about to drop the plan Jennifer set up with you? If you think a plan that is beginning to work suddenly becomes invalid, I have news for you, bub. Is it poor wording, or are you dead set against anything that doesn't bring an instant smile to your cheating wife's lips?

You have GOT to be strong in all this, Ryan, and you MUST quit letting your wayward wife's emotional status drive your own. Let her run her own life and you take care of yours, okay? You can never MAKE her come back, pardner. The best you can do is be there, making yourself the finest alternative to the cesspool in which she's immersed herself. Find a peace within yourself, Ryan, and let Jennifer’s plan do it’s magic, okay?

LH

I doubt the FBI contacted her about the letter. IF they did than that means they are investigating it, verifying it's accuracy and seeking to do something about it rather than bury it. This is good.

On the other hand...they may be investigating it to see if YOU lied to them as OM is likely in denial mode. Waywards often believe that what was done in private nobody can prove. Thus...the "investigation" is being undertaken to see if they can get YOU in trouble. Since it's the truth I wouldn't be too concerned. Truth is your ulimate defense as well as your right to freedom of speech. OM will NEVER pursue it further because the last thing he wants is litigation in OPEN court.

That being said, my best guess is that OM contacted her, told her about the letter and will get her a copy of it. Even if the affair is over...he's being spiteful against you and hoping to destroy any chance of recovery you may have just to get even for your exposure. Remember...he was likely filled up with a bunch of lies about how awful, controlling and abusive you are by your lieing wayward wife. He may even think he's being nice to her giving her a demonstration, in the form of that letter, of how vindictive and hurtful YOU are. Laughable really.

Have patience. Her anger subsided in about a week or 10 days last time. She even spoke nicely to you for 10-15 minutes before bringing up the letter which demonstrates to me she WANTED/NEEDED to talk to you civily at first to meet her need to speak with you before becoming hostile.

You're doing fine...stick with the plan. Either way...YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Longhorn and Mr W,

You guys are right on target. I guess it is just a strange feeling to go from protecting your wife from getting hurt, to actually causing the hurt. I see that the reveal was a necessary evil, it is just startling that she thinks I hurt her on purpose. She continues to say that through the reveal, I hurt her and that I can't be trusted. I do recognize that I want everything to happen to fast. I am going to try and calm down. I "want" this to be something that I can fix today, when in reality, it is something that will take weeks/months if ever. Thanks for the reality check, I do need them.

Ryan.

What she's saying is just the routine, ordinary alien-speak we see out here all the time, Ryan. Yeah, you "can't be trusted" to allow her the time and secrecy to conduct her adultery. HUH? think about that, Ryan. Isn't that the most ludicrous thing you've ever heard?

Come on, man. Do NOT accept her premise that it is you who have betrayed her. It's the other way around and you need to keep that firmly fixed in the front of your mind.

You know what? Were I you, I'd go ahead and get a little angry about that. A little anger, well controlled, never hurt anybody and it might just wake her up a trifle.

I hope you're following Charlotte22's thread closely. There are a lot of lessons you can learn from her and the advice being given her.

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {Chalotte's Thread} [/color] [/i][/b]

IMHO I can see nothing whatsoever wrong with the letter you sent. You didn't say anything negative about your WW; I don't understand why you feel you have 'hurt' her by sending that letter. No doubt a WS gets angry because of exposure because its a pretty effective way to interfere with the adultery; but other than 'hurting' her chances that the audltery can continue minus interference there was no 'hurt' inflicted upon your wife whatsoever. And 'hurting' the chances the adultery will continue is actually HELPING your wife a reat deal.

Not much new to report. I haven't heard from my wife since the 31st. I don't know if she has recieved a copy of the letter or not. I am planning on a pretty peaceful weekend. I am going to try and stand firm and wait until she contacts me. Hopefully the anger will go away and she will be willing to atleast talk. I still have the dog. I know she has family coming into town for her surgery, so i might get put on the back burner until then.

Ryan.

Good. Take the weekend off and watch some football. Sunday should have a couple of barnburners with Indy going up against the Patriots and the Cowboys at Philadelphia. Yeeehaaaa! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you might benefit from an old thread that ark^^ put together for the benefit of betrayed spouses who are having difficulties detaching enough from the spiraling black hole's event horizon to be able to be able to find some inner peace. You're a little bit past the worst of the first emotional impact, but I still think you'll find some good words in this. Read it over and let me know what you think, okay?

[b][i] [color:"blue"] {Ark's "Be Still" Thread} [/color] [/i][/b]

Thank Longhorn, the ARK thread makes a lot of sense but it is easier said than done. My wife called last night on her way out to happy hour. We talked for a couple of minutes. I did my best to remain upbeat and happy. She told me that she was going to Pennsylvania, with a friend to visit some of the Omish markets... I didn't really think much about it, but it is a good 3+ hour drive. Well today I spoke with her, and I think she was alone, in the car driving to Pennsylvania. I looked at the map and it looks like it is about equal distance from us in DC to the OM in NY. I really hate to think that she is still lying to me, and that she is meeting the OM half way. I don't know why I thought things would be different yet, she hasn't given me any real indication that she wants to work on our marriage. She is still pushing to get her things out of storage so that she has all of her things. I am going to go quiet and still for a while.

Ryan.