Here's the short version:
H had an affair with co-worker since july this year. I confronted with pictures as evidence september 1st. He didn't want to work it out. Then he did but never tried, never came home. He didn't want to work it out but gave me mixed messages, trying to spend time with our family, calling, texting, etc. I exposed to the OW's fiancee and things went downhill. We had long talks and he told me not to have hope. I started to make plans to move on with my life, but still hoping.

Yesterday we started flirting in text messages which led to some naughty stuff in texts and IM's with words and pics. It was a lot of fun. We wanted more. Today he came over and we had the best sex I've ever had in my life. He seemed to really enjoy it too.

He still works with the OW. I don't know if they still see each other recreationally. I want to work things out more than ever, but I'm still so scared of rejection.

Should I pretend like nothing happened? Should I let it happen again or am I setting myself up for more hurt in the long run? Is this meeting his emotional need(I didn't plan this, but it would be a plus) to help make him want to come back?

I would stay in Plan A for a couple more weeks and then go to Plan B. I would not pretend like nothing happened, but ask him what his intentions are. What does he want with you? Tell him that this train won't ever go forward unless he ends all contact with the OW. Just keep telling him this same message like a broken record. Tell him this is what it will take to get the marriage back on track. If he isn't interested in doing that, you would want to move to Plan B fairly quickly.

I take it he has moved out?

Did you expose the affair to his workplace and his parents?

get yourself checked for STD's.

Plan A is about meeting the WS's ENs, and I think it's safe to assume that SF is one of your WH's ENs. So having 'the best sex ever' with WH is good, in that regard. Just be careful not to assume that it means anything long-term to WH. Don't ask for 100 percent commitment back to the M based on a great night of SF. The more important thing is NC. While your WH still works with AP, there is no chance for true recovery. You will need to go to Plan B if WH refuses NC w/AP.

Yes, I asked him to move out the first time he said he didn't want to try to fix our marriage. I've been trying to do plan A with him gone, but that is difficult. I've been writing him letters and talking with him once a week about the relationaship, but everything in between I stick to plan A. It would be nearly impossible to fully implement Plan B because of our children. One is in Kindergarten and one is a baby.


He's already told me he doesn't want to work it out. I feel like he's been possessed and every once and awhile my H fights his way to the surface and he does want it to work out. He seems confused, I feel confused myself. This whole situation is insane, like the bizarre stuff you see in soap operas. I loath soap operas, too much drama. And yet, that's exactty what it is.

I'm terrified that if I ask him right now he'll tell me the same thing, he doesn't want to work it out, and I'll be pushing him away. Maybe I need to go with Plan B right then. Ohhh, what a mess. Maybe I just need to give it a few days, we each need to think about what just happened.

I suppose I could go along the lines of "You like what we did the last 2 days? Me too. I want to do it again, but this is part of the package. You want me, you need to step up. etc"

I don't want to stop though. lol I feel the best I've felt for a long time. I feel like I've made progress. Of course, I am part of the picture, so I can't see the whole thing...

[quote Maybe I just need to give it a few days, we each need to think about what just happened.

[/quote]

I don't want to be hurtful here, but my guess is, "sex" is what just happened. I speak from experience. After D-day, H and I had some really great SF, too, some of the best ever. But the truth was, while I was longing for this connection with him, he was lying and still seeing OW.

I just want to caution you to not read too much into the SF thing. Yes, it was great SF, yes, it was a connection. BUT he's a man, and as much as it is difficult for most of us women to understand, sometimes, it's just sex for them. That hurts when we are their wives. But they are NOT our H, they are wayward aliens.

I talked to someone he works with who is our neighbor and they told everyone at his work. H is trying to transfer to a building down the block now, same company. I'm a little worried she will try to transfer too. If I could make a little headway and get him to at least want to try to work things out, I would have him talk to his work about it. His work doesn't speak with non-employees about work issues, so I couldn't even if I wanted too. I already tried asking for info on policies regarding relationships without giving names.

His family just found out a few days ago. They all side with me. They love me and want to help. His Mom already yelled at him. His Dad is too upset to even talk to him, so his Dad's girlfriend had to call me to find out what was going on. They are all so sweet.
Even his friends are telling me they are on my side and they think he is being an idiot. Everyone was suprised, because we have always been so happy and so in love.
He started working more when he got a promotion this winter, so one of the problems is we never see each other. I have been working on the other things I think are his emotional needs, but I know it doesn't really matter if he still sees her almost everyday.

I did. Right now I am waiting on test results. I should find out any day now. Waiting is very scary.

Ok, it won't do to just gossip to a fellow coworker and expect them to expose. What needs to happen is a FORMAL exposure to Human Resources in the form of a certified letter that cc's his supervisor, the OW supervisor and the company Vice President. Tell them there is a workplace affair and that it is threatening your marriage. Tell them about the risks of sexual harrassment actions. [I have a template letter, written by an attorney here, BritsBrat, on my home computer I will post when I get home]

That is how workplace exposure should look.

But, I would do that before you go into Plan B. And having small children will be no impediment if you can designate an intermediary and set up a mutual drop off place, such as his parents, etc. There are lots of ways to do it.

Hope4,

""He still works with the OW. I don't know if they still see each other recreationally.""

I think you should count on it.

""Is this meeting his emotional need(I didn't plan this, but it would be a plus) to help make him want to come back?""

Yeah, maybe to come back for some of the "best sex ever".

Darlin' the guy is cake eating AND YOU ARE BAKING THE CAKE!!

kirk

Was that before or after you "seduced each other".

Thank you. I agree. Everyone has been so helpful. I am slowly coming to a decision. I think I need to commit to Plan B. To protect myself. I love my H so much and it clouds my judgement very easily. When I am away from him for a few days my head starts to clear and I can see the facts. I just need to figure out what to say to him now.

I don't want to be hurtful here, but my guess is, "sex" is what just happened. ...

I just want to caution you to not read too much into the SF thing. Yes, it was great SF, yes, it was a connection. BUT he's a man, and as much as it is difficult for most of us women to understand, sometimes, it's just sex for them. That hurts when we are their wives. But they are NOT our H, they are wayward aliens. [/quote]

I am trying to look at it that way. Not read too much into it. Sex is so very different for men and women, but I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.

The plus is that he has been really friendly today. I know it may not last, but today, in this moment, it's feels so nice. I'm trying very hard to stay detatched. I want the best, but I don't want to get false hope and end up kicking myself for hoping too much.

I hope things for you and your H have worked out. Thank you for sharing with me.

I would appreciate that, thank you.

Until he agrees to NC of any kind and sends a NC letter, assume they are still involved. There really is no reason to not send this letter, unless they are still involved.

I learned that one from experience, too. I am working toward my own personal healing and that of my children, after H pretended recovery for a short time. False recovery is very painful. Please listen to the folks here about NC and exposure. It is tough, but it is necessary.

We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But that is dangerous for us.

Here is the letter from BritsBrat, a corporate attorney and board member, who specializes in workplace affairs:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

...And having small children will be no impediment if you can designate an intermediary and set up a mutual drop off place, such as his parents, etc. There are lots of ways to do it. [/quote]

His parents live an hour away and 4 hours away. He refuses to go to my parents right now. My SIL (my brothers wife) is willing and my H is willing to see her, but we have scheduling conflicts. Anyone I find would have to be willing to dedicate a lot of time into this.

My oldest has kindergarten and my H picks her up everyday outside my work, brings her back to his place for a few hours then drops her off at the busstop. So I would need someone 5 days a week in the am.

I don't want to put my D in before school daycare because 1. I don't have any money and 2.She needs her time with her Dad. This whole situation has left her severly depressed. She's a Daddy's girl and she doesn't understand why Daddy won't come home. And yes, I tell her every time she says something that it's not her fault and we go through the list of everyone who loves her.

If any obvious ideas pop out at you that you can see I would appreciate it. (Again, part of the picture, can't see the whole thing) I am open to any suggestions.

You are awesome! Thank you so much!

hope, your H would not stop seeing your children in Plan B, only YOU. Your DD should see her dad and that should continue. Also, if your parents are local, that could be used as a pick up/drop off place. He might have to face your parents if he wants to see his kids. He may not have a choice since it is YOU who sets the standards for Plan B.