LA,

Start a journal, if you are not doing so already. Keep track of the events of each day, who you speak to & the results of any contact and/or conversations.

"OK..now who am I speaking to? And are you saying you are unable to help me in any way?"

They are slightly uncomfortable if they know their name has been noted & connected with being unhelpful.

Any response from H so far?

quite honestly,the military did NOT help me very much. ow was not military.my now ex just got a talking to, was told to either end the marriage with at least a legal sep or to end the affair. big whoop. he brings ow to all of his military functions now. so apparently it was no big deal to them.

mlhb

No. No response from H yet. But I am still doing as the Chaplain suggested which is call at least twice a day where I leave voicemails and I txt msg and I send at least one email each day. All go unanswered.

LAsun,

I really want to respond and help you, but I am still having problems with the idea that you two thought it would be fine to be separated for 7 years.

I don't get what you or he got out of this marriage, if it was to be lived apart. Therefore, I am not sure what you are trying to recapture. It is not closeness, as you and he would have continued to be separated even if no affair occured.

Now that an affair has occured what has really changed in your life? I am serious when asking this. What did your H provide to you physically or emotionally that you are missing right now?

Please understand LAsun, I am not being flippant nor demeaning your grief. It is just hard to know what to tell you and offer in help other than to contact your H. But, if he does not want to be contacted, this will be difficult unless you go to where he is stationed.

I look forward to your response.

God Bless,

JL

It's so hard to explain our relationship. Remember, this is just my side of the story.

When I was unable to find a job back East, I left thinking he was fine with me coming back to AZ to find a good job that would keep us out of BK. He never, ever said not to go. He then was stationed in Korea for 1 year and I stayed in AZ. This is when I began to pursue my dream of acting. Which again, he never voiced his displeasure. He came back to AZ & got stationed here, but I didn't want to move to Tucson because of no job opportunities and we'd be right back in financial difficulties if I didn't work f/t.

He would come & visit me in Phx every time he had time off. We got along great. Every time was like fun dates, day trips, lots of closeness and romance. Never an argument.

When the opportunity arose for me to come to LA to pursue acting full time with a great paying f/t job I discussed it with him and he never said no, don't go. He in fact helped me move. He drove the truck. And when he could get leave, he would come spend 1-2 weeks with me every few months.

As far as I knew this was fine with him. He never told me he was unhappy. Then in August he stopped returning phone calls, emails etc... I knew something was wrong. Then in September, my company went out of business and now I'm jobless, but not penniless, but I know I need to move back to his duty station.

But he said he doesn't want me there and he won't live with me. He is so angry at me that I don't know how I can get through the angry alien back to the husband I love.

I can find an apt there with no problem and friends have offered to help me move, pack etc... I just don't want to get there and have him reject me, refuse to go to counseling or drive him further away & closer to the OW.

I'm just stuck. He has always been my person I could talk to. Yes, we never talked about our deepest feelings because that is not how we were raised, and I see that is one of our major problems. POJA and EN are 2 of our biggest stumbling blocks.

But my lease here in LA is up in December and I'm seriously considering just packing up and going whether he likes it or not. He's going to be redeployed to Kuwait in January and I need to let him know I'm committed to the marriage. And that's my only way to show him.

LASun,

I am presuming that this latest post spans the 7 years you two have been separated.

The reason I am asking is really simple. One of the basic approaches for rebuilding a marriage is to identify your spouse major needs. And then meet them. I cannot for the life of me figure out what needs he was filling of yours and what needs you think you were filling of his.

If you two were meeting one another's needs, what were they and how did you do it?

He leaves for Kuwait in Jan. and if you move back in December, you will have little time to address all of this. Now perhaps in the time he is deployed the OW will lose interest in him, and perhaps not. But, it is clear she has the inside track because if he has needs for conversation, intimacy, companionship, emotional support, she has and is probably meeting them better than you have done for 7 years.

I am not picking on you, I am telling you what I see as big hurdles in possible recovery.

I do find it interesting that he will not talk with you. If he were truly done I would guess he would do you the honor of telling you what he thinks and feels as well as why. It is like he fears that you will burst in, ruin his relationship with OW and then leave him high and dry.

This is all very confusing and that is why I continue to ask questions. I don't have much a feel for your relationship with your H. It is very strange and therefore hard to offer good advice.

But, I will keep asking and see what you are thinking.

Hang in there and be patient.

God Bless,

JL

I don't think either of us were meeting any of our needs. It went both ways. We both withdrew from each other & protected our hearts from any kind of hurt. I was pretty stupid to think that I just had a super cool husband that was letting me pursue my dream. I guess not.

And now he is not wanting to confront me or talk to me because at our one counseling session I just blurted out everything I had been holding in all these years and I don't think he was expecting it.

He actually thought that I was just going to say "Ho hum, no bid deal, bye!" and walk out of the marriage. He had no idea I would react so strongly or passionatley to his betrayal. But I have him thinking.

And he did mention when he did speak, "what if she moves back here and in a year she is bored and wants to move back to LA?" And my reply was, "What if I move back here and he decides he doesn't want me here, puts in for remote orders and I don't see him again for a year?" Which also got his attention.

I know he's trying to put 100% of this on me, but he is partailly responsible because he has a tongue & can speak too.

LASun,

Of course he is responsible for the state of the marriage and 100% for his affair. No doubt about that.

But, his concern about you giving up your career to be with him is valid. You may well resent that sacrifice and then the marriage is in the ditch.

Your fears are also well founded.

So do you have any ideas about how to address these fears on both of your parts?? Have you sought out a counselor there that might help? If not would you consider calling the Harleys' to get their ideas on how to proceed. It might be the best money you ever spent.

God Bless,

JL

I really am not too worried about giving up my career. I can face the evil truth of Hollywood. At 38 I am really, really old. They want you 18 and beautiful. Talent comes 2nd. I am ready to leave that behind with no regrets. I have tried to tell him that over and over again in emails.

At this time he won't respond to any of my phone messages, txt messages or emails. From anger or guilt or a mixture of both I don't know. Probably both.

LA:

I would not give up on contacting his chain of command... if he is enlisted, his 1stSgt might have his back, but that doesn't mean that the Commander will. What do you have to lose?

Unless the affair is ended, you don't have a chance. I am in the military, don't give up.

Scott

My friend is being my advocate. I can barely talk on the phone without crying & I sound horrible. My voice is gone and I am not making too much sense. I never thought I could ever fall apart like this. She wanted to call the Flight Commander, but I will have her call the Wing Commander tomorrow morning. And yes, he is enlisted. He's a Sr. NCO.

Thank you all for your advice and input. It means so much.

Hang in there!

Going through this is the toughest thing I can imagine.

Sad to say, not all in the military care about adulterous affairs. But it is still prohibited by military law, and you just have to find the right person who cares. Trust me, I did, and they took swift action.

Didn't immediately make things better, but ended that contact forever.

Scott

From the way his 1st Sgt spoke it made it sound like they didn't care anymore. But if they do and I can get to the right person maybe they can get this to end & I can get my chance to get into counseling with him. I just don't want him to lose rank or get into big trouble.

LA:

If he is "buds" with the 1stSgt, I would expect him to take that approach. Nevertheless, I am sure that there is someone in the chain that looks down on infidelity and will tell him that she is off limits until he is legally divorced. I have personal experience in this.

Most likely, if he does end contact, won't lose rank. In fact, if he reconciles with you, he may come out looking even better.

Find out all you can about WS's. They live in a fantasy world. Sooner or later the bubble will pop and he will come back to reality. You can help him pop that bubble.

Thank you. I've been up all night. I've just been rehashing every single conversation we've ever had, re-read every single email and I just am numb.

And yes, WS is living in a fantasy world. I think that's why he isn't contacting me or any of his family.

And why is it, that everytime I start talking or writing about this I have an anxiety attack? Shaking, pounding heart, sweating, can't breathe, crying and my stomach does flip-flops? Does it ever go away?

LA:

If you ever make it to real recovery, it may. Be glad you founnd a doctor that listened to you. I went to see a doctor and asked specifically for anti-anxiety, and told him I would not take an SSRI because of the side effects, and he prescribed SSRI anyways. Of which I have not taken one.

Honestly, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my faith. I stopped going to the counselor I was seeing because he repetitively cancelled appt's on me.

All I can do is sympathize,

I have another Dr. appt today. And an appt with my therapist tomorrow. It sounds so cliche. I'm in Hollywood and I have a therapist.

My friend talked to the Chaplain. He said not to call the commander or do anything else to make my husband angry. We just have to see how if he wants to work it out when he comes home from training.

I know how you feel...I would love to expose my husband's affair but everyone at work already knows. Some of them actually enabled him to have the affair. His mother supports him no matter what. The OW works with him, and although he is starting to communicate a bit with me, she is still in the picture. I actually left the house..couldn't bear to be there. You are not alone...