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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 8
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 8
Hi Everyone,

I am hoping to get both male and female insight on my issue. Here's my story:

My husband and I are both 28 and have been married for a little over 5 years. We don't have any kids yet, but are trying. My husband works more than full-time as the cfo of a small insurance company. I work about 30 hours a week.

My gripe is in regard to the drinking and bar-hopping that has become a pattern over the past six months or so. Last spring, my husband hired and relocated a friend and co-worker from another business location. Now, they two of them and another work friend not only spend all day at work together, but they lunch together, go to the gym together and go out drinking until the wee hours of the morning about twice a month. One friend really doesn't drink much, so my husband always has a DD. The fact that he knows he doesn't have to drive home means that he generally gets very buzzed is not drunk. On weeks where they don't go out to a bar, they go to each other's houses to work and drink while they're working. My husband once stayed at a co-workers house until 5am working, drinking and watching movies.

I have a problem with this. I think the drinking is too frequent and I also feel like married men don't have a lot of right to be in bars until the wee hours of the morning doing god knows what. He never comes home before 1:15am.

I have tried on several occasions to talk to my husband about this. I tell him that it bothers me. His basic response is "So, I'm never supposed to go out and have fun?" I don't even know how to respond to that. I think it's a rather immature answer, but that's just me. This never really happened before this other guy moved here. I feel like all my husband needed was a ring-leader. When I talk to him about it he really doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong and basically seems unwilling to change. The drinking also bothers me because we are trying to have a baby and I know that you are supposed to stop using alcohol while trying to conceive.

What does everyone think? Am I unreasonable? Should I let him have his fun and not complain? Maybe I wouldn't if he came home at 5, but he doesn't. He comes home around 7 or 8 most of the time, eats dinner and then watches TV or works on his laptop. Maybe I'm starved for attention. I don't know.

I am looking for a way to communicate my concerns to him in a way that he'll understand and hopefully respect my opinion. Thoughts?

Thanks!

-Hillary

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
Only have a quick minute to chime in but my initial thought is DO NOT GET PREGNANT, STOP TRYING TODAY. Put that on hold until these issues get resolved. Your thoughts, feelings, and requests are not unreasonable, they are valid. He is not behaving like a married man and therefore please do not bring a baby into the world who will not know his father.

Please take a minute and re-post this over in "Emotional Needs", that board gets a lot more traffic and you'll get a lot more advise.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Sep 2007
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sorry to hear of your circumstances... previous reply is good, dump the baby idea NOW. this will be hard for you to do, you will resent husband as the cause, be careful to avoid this from further affecting marriage. Pray for a solution. Making baby will not solve this or change him. You also implied you married him knowing this about him really. I think if you are honest you know this to be true. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that you feel like waiting to have a baby for a while, that you have a problem with specific actions and behaviors, that you have these needs for companionship and affection. you need to do this non-judgementally, calmly, matter-of-factly, etc. lovingly etc. Maybe while wearing something sexy and making love to him. make sure it sinks in. we guys are thick headed. maybe call him at work and tell him what you want to do to him and what you want him to do to you after work on a night he might otherwise go out with the guys. it may boil down to this is waht you married and you will have to make a decision, that is if he is not addicted.

Joined: Nov 2007
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He is not acting very responsible nor attentive in your marriage. especially the fact he works more than the 40 hour work week. You mentioned kids: Does he want badly and do you want badly? Something went wrong somewhere alienating him from you and causing him to find companionship being it in a bar or whatever

Joined: Jan 2008
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Quote:

He is not acting very responsible nor attentive in your marriage. especially the fact he works more than the 40 hour work week. You mentioned kids: Does he want badly and do you want badly? Something went wrong somewhere alienating him from you and causing him to find companionship being it in a bar or whatever




I would ask him why he feels the need to go out without you? Tell him that you don't mind his going out, but would like to be a part of it ( if you do that is ). There is a country song that talks of a woman building a bar in her garage to keep her husband home. Funny song might give him a laugh, wish I knew the name of it.
The fact that you are asking if he has a problem reveals to me that he does. You can talk to Al Anon to see if you can get any suggestions to keep him from going out. If he continues to drink heavily at home he may have a problem. I agree, a child at this point would not be a good idea. A baby needs a Dad at home, not out at the bars. He needs to Grow Up My 2 cents.


Me-39 Wife-38 Son-13 Son-11 Aniv-3-26-94
Joined: May 2006
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The song's called "I'm gonna hire a wino" -- words below.

I came crawling home last night, like many nights before:
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door.
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."

She said: "Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here.
"And I'll keep on tap - for all your friends, their favorite kinds of beer.
"And for you, I'll always keep in stock, those soft aluminum cans.
"And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man."

She said: "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor.
"Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more.
"There'll be Monday night football, on T.V. above the bar.
"And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."

She said: "You'll get friendly service, and for added atmosphere.
"I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here.
"Then you can slap my bottom, every time you tell a joke.
"Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're broke."

She said: "Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar-room brawl,
"When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl.
"And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank.
"You can sleep it off next morning, when I'm putting it in the bank."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino, to decorate our home,
"So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"When you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst.
"There won't be any reason, why you can't stop off here first."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam.
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall.
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall."


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