I am going through a divorce.

Several months ago I discovered my wife had a crush on a co-worker, I addressed the issue and she immediately asked for a divorce.

I am not saying we had been getting along great, but I think every relationship starts to face troubles after the 7 year mark.

At any rate, I found out about the crush, confronted her and she immediately asked for a divorce. She cited a plehera of problems about me, all of which I listened to and really took to heart.

Over the past few months, I've discovered she had been unfaithful to me just before the separation (found this out through a loud mouthed neighbor) and then I discovered that she had been unfaithful to me with the co-worker as well and this appears to have been going on for a while.

Here's the thimg, she absolutely denied anything had happened and the divorce was based on her issues with me. Those being, I had become distant, we were not communicating as well as we should, she was not attarcted to me any long, she felt I had failed to establish myself, she could not come to me and not ne judges, etc.....

At any rate, she has mainatained to many people that she was never unfaithful, and now for the second time, I have discovered infidelities through other people.

I have approached her with this question and she has now cut off all communication and has threatened to file a harassment suit against me.

Is it so wrong to at least get an honest answer from her?

Got proof?

You needed to snoop and gather evidence as an adulterer will LIE LIE LIE and convince you are crazy.

Reasoning with a wayward is like trying to reason with a hate spewing brick wall.

Welcome to the cesspool, the water is warm.

Pariah, I really like you. You have a way with words.

Cunfused, I caught my ex repeatedly. He just kept denying it was an "affair", because he had moved out of our bedroom. I think he told his girlfriend we were "estranged". He used to try to name the nature of our relationship (other than married) as something else and that was his way of trying to manipulate reality. People caught in affairs are addicted to the chemicals running through their brains and they act like lying addicts. You know them by their delusions.

I advise you to read all the information Dr. Harley has available. Of the dozens of books I read, his are the most clear on the mindset of a person caught in an affair. Namely, that they are "insane" while in the affair. I can attest to that. I was constantly bewildered, asking myself if my ex was brain-damaged (he'd been hit by a car as a boy and has a huge dent in his head, but always passed physicals fine). Sometimes he acted like a person in shock. Sometimes he was as mean as a man could get, really cruel. Other times he had never been as loving. He threw me out of a car, he cut up my clothes, he accused me of having an affair and became extremely possessive and critical. His behavior grew more secretive as he demanded more trust. He wanted me to engage in unusual, risky sexual behavior. He just went insane.

I tend to think that people who really consider themselves morally good go the most crazy, because it screws up all their intuitive wiring and to fix it, they try to screw up yours.

The thing that was the most helpful to me, a year and a half into it, was to finally decide to trust my own instincts, my own values, morals, character and just do the right thing regardless of his behavior. I did Plan A as well as I could up until then. After that I did the best Plan B I could muster, but I wasn't strong enough and I didn't have a support network. It went three years, because he really had me convinced he'd finally cut it off and I couldn't find anything all year. (Yes, I worked furiously on our marriage and while he loved the treatment, he loved my 'love', he sabotaged all my efforts and made few of his own, unless they were meant to manipulate.) I filed for divorce when I finally found the proof that he'd been lying all year. It wasn't really because I found the proof, it was what it was... a letter from his girlfriend (never-married, 40) saying she would wait for him (this fantasy he'd painted for her). This woman was never going away and lived 5 miles away. I wasn't willing to let him waste any more of my time (married 15 + 3 year affair). Dr. Harley says when the other person is accessible, it's impossible to save the marriage. It seemed my ex's plan was exactly as Dr. Harley describes as "waiting for the highest bidder". I even read this for him out of Dr. Harley's book and he stormed out of the room. I just wasn't willing to bid any higher for a lying, cheating, never willing to work on his own problems man.

I had to trust my intuition through it, because it was the only way to find out the real truth and have good information to make decisions. You can't count on anything they say, unless it's under an accountable system of recovery and the actions match the words.

Also, Dr. Harley equates adultery to rape. One of the most important things a rape victim needs to realize is that it is not their fault. You didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it. No matter how much your STBX blames you, hides, etc., you didn't deserve it. It's a crime. Adultery is a crime against God and against you and there is no excuse for it. And despite her pleas to the contrary, it was the affair that tore you two apart. Not to say there weren't things wrong, but the affair kills the marriage.

Just go into your future learning all you can about how to have a happy, healthy marriage, how to love well, including yourself, how to discern right and wrong and eventually you'll be fine and you'll find happiness and know how to keep it. She won't. That is the best we can do for our spouse, past, present and future and it's the best we can do for ourselves.

Live well.