Hi Everyone,

I need your opinions on a topic that I have been dealing with lately. In your opinion, what age should a grown woman move out on her own? I've been having marital problems so I am living with my parents. Alot of people have been telling me that I need to have my own place. I lived at home before I got married also. I am in my mid 30's. As for me, I would like to have my own place but I am so unsure about what decision to make.

Since being in this bad marriage, I do not have the confidence in myself that I once had. I will appreciate any advice that you all have for me.
Thanks

Why shouldn't a grown woman move out on her own? Is there any reason you cannot afford it? Your own place will give you a chance to be your own person, gain some independence and develop some confidence in yourself. When you have all of this, you will be in a better mental and emotional position to meet other people and begin new relationships. I realize we are in the age of the boomerang generation but honestly, if you can't look after yourself how can you look after a relationship with someone else?

I don't know if Tabby caught that you are currently married or not. Seemed to me your emphasis was on your bias that you're a grown woman and want to know if you have the right to live on your own.

You can see my bias in there. It's incredulous. Grown women KNOW they CAN live on their own.

If they're married and are having problems, they live with their husbands and work it out. They learn about healthy boundaries, because they know that leaving a marriage, replacing the partner, does not change what they will face in the future. They will face the same again and again until they do learn.

Which is why this website ROCKS...and I'm glad you're here, Tania. I'm delighted you're questioning where you want to be, how you want to live...and I'm wondering how your vows factor in for you in that regard.

Please give us more of your information...how long married, any children, what issues you see as reason enough to move to your parents...and what other help you're seeking right (MC, IC, books, etc.).

We're here for you...I don't think this is about you standing on your own...that would be fulfilling your half of the marriage and holding yourself to the vows you made to yourself.

Just my opinion.

LA

Hi LovingAnyway,

I wrote about my marriage under the topic Divorcing/Divorced. If you don't mind, read that area and it will answer alot of questions. I have been married 4 years and they have been the worst years of my life. Please read what I wrote. Thanks for your advice!

Thank you for the direction...I'll take it and be back.

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LA

Okay...I'm back.

So where you are right now, at your parents' house...is that because you went ahead and filed for divorce? I didn't read where or if you had a child with him or not. Could you clarify that for me? I'm continuing on the assumption there are no children from this marriage.

Do you live in the US or another country? I ask because the laws vary...and in cyberspace, we're all one country.

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I didn't read where you said if you were getting IC (individual counseling) or not. IC doesn't make you the cause of anything...sure means that the next fellow who you are greatly attracted to won't be a clone of this guy.

This is to help you to see why you spent four years without changing how you react, your own choices...until now. That's no bash or judgment...I believe it takes what it takes for us to change...and that's an individual only level we have to reach.

Are you ready to really change? Are you ready to see what really is versus what you want to see? We all wrestle with this...you are not alone. Takes practicing the skill to get into the habit of seeing reality, as it is, rather than through our own filter.

There's a book I recommend..."Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. Before you get into any other relationship, please read this book first.

Hold yourself to your contract of marriage...don't date until you are divorced. Work on your own stuff...get clear on your own power and limits...use this as a time to learn the question you asked on this thread is one of entitlement, instead of ability and choice. Says a lot about how you viewed your marriage and perceived it, for a long time.

On the Divorcing/Divorced thread, you heard from others who quickly said "dump the guy" and I do agree...this wasn't a valid marriage from the beginning. What I don't want you to do is dump the lessons within it...for what he did, and didn't, doesn't make your choose or choose not to do...your own choices during these last four years are equally as important as his...you have your half...only and all of it...of the marriage.

When you can see each and every choice you made which you now are making differently, you'll have gotten the lessons...and I believe, will be set to live on your own, with healthy boundaries, lots of love of self, and eyes set to see reality, not judge it. It's where you get to make the best choices for yourself, about yourself.

LA

Hi LovingAnyway, Yes, I am at my parents house.I have not filed for divorce but I am begining the process of divorce. We do not have a child.Yes, I live in the U.S. I have not began to get individual counseling but I joined a church support group a couple weeks ago. The reason why I stuck with this marriage for 4 years is because first of all I received advice from others that God hates divorce and I would be in sin if I divorced my husband. The next reason why I stuck with it this long is because he keeps promising me that he is going to get out of the relationship with the OW and come back home to me. Every year he makes this promise. However, I decided that I don't want to continue with this. I don't know if divorce is wrong or right but I am willing to take a chance at divorcing him. I am ready to change and I am willing to get my own place but I am just so unsure of myself at times. I feel that it will be good for me to move into my own place and start over but I have mixed feelings.

Tania,

Okay...you received advice from others and took it at the time...makes sense to me. What did you learn? To study and investigate the advice...for God hates divorce except for infidelity.

So you learned you have the obligation, the responsibility, to take advice and find out if it's valid for you...your life. Great lesson. Give yourself permission to study and learn anything for yourself.

In this, you'll hear others' opinions as their own...so you can determine your own. Those people love you, love your commitment to your own integrity...and know how large of obstacles we can overcome in marriage, over time, dedication and awareness.

You were doing the best with what you knew then...now you know more.

And for his promises...now you have learned to respect better what others promise is about them, for them. When they act counter to what they desire, that's about them...their own self-deception...and when we lie to ourselves, we cannot tell the truth to others.

To expect them to tell the truth is silly, isn't? You learned that doing what you say you're going to do (how many times did you say this was it, you're leaving, getting a divorce and then didn't?) it can't be dependent on what your partner does...how he responds or not...has to be about you choosing directly from your beliefs, not from your emotions, doesn't it?

Our feelings come and go, rise and fall...they are signals to us...not something to decide "I feel therefore I think". You have a great example in your husband that living this way is full of pain, pressure, stress, fantasy and hardship, don't you?

You now know you are half of believing...you can literally choose not to believe your partner. I didn't think that was possible, btw. Was taught to not believe was to betray. We've been in recovery for nearly three years and half of that, I chose not to take what my DH said as the truth...I chose to honor what he said he was going to do or not do about HIM...not me. What he believed was his...and until he acted on his promises, I chose not to believe.

Had to get my part set...which required new beliefs, new mindsets and studying for myself...so I could know more.

And you learned that you had the choice to divorce all along. Your choice only. He couldn't make you choose to stay married or not, could he? Solely your choice. About you. Reasonable to me...we all get to where we have to either sit down in our own power of choice, or continue flaying in that dance where we feel powerless, helpless...as much a fantasy as his with OW.

Would you consider you are not unsure of yourself because of your WH's actions...you were unsure of yourself before, and before that...way back? This was the case with myself...and learning to love, understand and own my self, know I'm equal to all others (and that includes you), to KNOW I'm significant, whole, complete and marvelously made (God didn't make no junk)...changed every relationship I have...

Because I'm half of every relationship.

When you make your code to live by (healthy boundaries go around yourself), enforce those boundaries around yourself, you will begin to experience self-respect, confidence and esteem...you building it on your own stuff, your own choices.

Not through others' opinions, their actions and choices...your own. Then you will KNOW you can take care of yourself, have your own place (you already have a place in this world...this is you coming to understand how you didn't see it before)...and you can feel unsure of yourself and still KNOW you're sure of yourself, because you're sure of your beliefs and boundaries.

Mixed feelings...would you consider that this is the core of everything that has transpired in your life to date, including the last fives years?

Tell me, how is deciding your life from your feelings working for you?

LA